not name changing......I am not sure if I should, BUT, why should I be ashamed????/

[Psychomum5]

I am still not sure if I am doing the right thing, but here goes, fully in........

I am having difficulty.

DH and I are, for the most part, very happily married. very, and for which I know I should be feeling very lucky for, and very fortunate for......BUT

we had a small (well, not so small really) problem 3yrs ago.

he did something with another woman, a paid type of woman.......but a woman that was not found or instgated by him.

he was working away a lot, he is the 'owner' of a building gang, and they had work away for which he employed people for.

now, one such 'bloke' was single (among married men) and this one night, brought this woma back to the digs.

I have no idea, in all honesty, how it all occured.......so I will not say as I could be lying or angry about and so exagerating.

suffice to say, DH did something, then caught something, and gave it to me.

now, to all intent;s and purposes, we have got over it, I was treated, we got councelling, and we are fine.........not least because we were and are happy, we have a fab family, and I can see us growing old together........all makers for a happy marriage.

BUT

the guy that started this was at the time sacked (on my say so) and DH promised to not go away to anywhere that I could not trust him for......until I was fine again.

all ok????

no.....the guy that (in my head) is the instigator, is back working with them again....and I am feeling like shit. I cannot get past this trust issue again....and DH has noticed me being unhappy..as have the kiddies, and me....I am stressed out all the time

I want to get past it, I want to be okay again, I want not to have to tell DH that this man working for them again has worked me up to this degree......

help me see sense again please

I know what you are thinking, a friend also said the same at the time.

tis hard enough with the thought of what he did tho, without trying to think about possible more!!!

oh i don't want to make it worse for you but it's what i would be wondering...according to your husband, does this guy know that you know?

so in reality, you are really as mad as fire with your DH still but have managed to cover it all up for the last 3 years (is that right?) by focusing all your rage on to the bloke-that-isn't-such-a-monster-as-you-hoped, and now you realise that all along you should have been more mad as fire with your DH because he was the one who cheated and infected you - is that right?

I don't know if you have had it out with your DH again but perhaps you should because you clearly have not got past it, just buried it. It sounds as though your relationship is strong enough to weather the storm, and you are right about the pus-y thing - unless you have a clean wound, with no pus left, it won't heal properly. So dig deep, get all the pus [rage] out and hope that heals the wound.

Good luck!

Sorry but you are lucky not to have been sued for getting this man fired over his sexual conduct. And your DH sounds like a piece of work as well: letting another man lose his job because your DH couldn't keep his dick in his pants?

oh god, cold light of day with a headache (too much wine drunk).....argh.

yes, I am still angry as hell, and yes, it is all caught up with the fact that this guy is working for them again. it has raised feelings that I didn't realise were still there, and my confidence has been knocked too. I am not liking these feelings, I really hate this......I know, logically, that this is not the other blokes fault......I KNOW that, and I do know also that it was not fair at the time how it was handled......altho, TBH, I am not sure how much was him being sacked as opposed to him wanting to go anyway as he also had to be told that there was infections involved.....he did not get off lightly either, and as there is only 4 of them that work together (and then, it was more a self-employed bunch working together as opposed to now as they have just become a company and so he is employed by them....if that makes sense?).

I guess that all this thread is to get my thoughts in a proper order.....I can talk to DH rationally (if that is possible knowing me!!), and tell him how I feel rather than just snapping all the time. I cannot ask for the other bloke to be got rid of, I know that, and I have to try and get past that.......I just feel so crappy about ME, and hate it.....really really hate it.

I thought I was over it, clearly not tho!!

BUT.........I love DH, I knw he loves me, and we do have a good marriage........we have a lot to hold onto and apart from this, he is a fab man, fab husband, fab dad......he made a mistake, a huge one, massive one, and got caught out. It should not define the rest of his life or mine.

sooooooo........hence.......I need to clean my wound and get on with my summer with us all

morning i think you have had some sterling advice, especially from expat and humphrey cushion.

i think a part of this is accepting you have to blame your DH and accept he made a concious decision to do something bad, which is hard to reconcile with the man you know as a wonderful husband and father.

please talk to him, being open and honest and forthright is the only way forward and if DH cannot take that, then that says more about him and his attitude to the marriage and what he did than anything else

Beautifully put, Psychomum, and the best of luck to you in doing just that. You are very wise and you deserve to be at peace with yourself.

To be honest psycho, i'm not convinced...i'm sure that your DH is all of the things you listed but the chances of that encounter being the first are pretty minimal...the blaming the other guy is just a red herring.

My FIL has a very similar job and did the exact same thing to my MIL (STD and all). This is a very common situation for men working away in the industry.

I will try and tread very lightly here, but I do think that this other man is a bit responsible here - he brought a sex worker back and it sounds like he finished and then said to her DH you should have a turn - go on no one will know blah blah blah. I do know similar men like that - Go on do it - you poof ect ect. Yes maybe her DH should be strong but I don't think women really understand how all reason can go out of mans mind when there is sex avaliable.

Oh and lulumama I am not sure it would be a concious decision. The best way I ever heard it put was that God gave man a Dick and a Brain, but only enough blood to power one at a time.

This guy is just the mirror up to your feelings really. He didn't force your DH to be unfaithful. He may have egged him on, but I doubt he was in the room at the time, and this sacked guy didn't make vows to you. Your husband did.

I think you need to let rip with your husband. The one thing you asked of him in regard to this infidelity, he has disregarded your wishes. Get angry with HIM. I don't think you should end your marriage if this was 3 yrs ago. And the only misdemeanour.

But this guy is in your head I think the witness to your humiliation. As you see it. Your husband is the dickhead for humiliating you.

I hope you can work it out though. Let him KNOW how angry you are with HIM. And be angry with the right person.

Poor you Psycho. I think you have had some great advice and now need to leave aside the "whose fault was it" issue and concentrate on geting yourself to feel better.

My partner and i hav a great relationship, but we had a small issue that threatened to rear its ugly head all the time and break us. (his ex and his lack of trust as she had an affair). So before it did break us up, we went to Relate. Just the once, paid £40, sat for an hour with a woman who listened to us both and then said her bit. I was the best £40 we have ever spent and would def do it again if needed.

Try it Pycho, it really helps. BTW, loked at your pics, what a beautiful family you are. Hope you all find peace and enjoy your summer.

Right, S is a fab husband and a fabulous dad and he does make you happy. This is just an understandable blip. You will feel like you are with this all being raked up again...it's normal.

What he did was wrong, you know that and most importantly he knows that. I saw what you went through when you found out about all of this and had we lived closer, you would have seen that I was exactly the same when C did it too. And I often feel as you do now, even 4 years on. C hasn't done anything since to make me feel like this, but I do have the occasional wobble (one of them will be next weekend)

Our lives are way too similar (bar the extra 2 children ), you know that, so you know I know how you are feeling right now. It will pass, I promise, but that's not to say it won't make you wobble again.

C and I are happy...most of the time and he is a very good man (he showed me that again last night...another thread will be up soon) and I love him...you and S are the same. They made a mistake...granted a bloody awful and stupid one and one that hurt us both very deeply, but they saw that hurt and hopefully they will never hurt us again like that.

Tell him exactly how you feel. You don't need to get angry, you just have to be very matter of fact about it. He may not be able to do much to help you stop feeling like you do, that might just take some time, but at least he will understand how you feel.

Men are so different in how they deal with things and if he is like C he will think 'This was 3 years ago, you should be able to trust me by now' They don't really get it sadly, but it doesn't mean they don't care.

Anyway, I know what I am trying to say, it's probably a bit garbled.

Thinking of you lots and we need to get together very soon.

I can only echo what so many others have already said and express my sympathy for having this awful thing raked up again.

You know that this guy isn't the main issue here - you've admitted that (though I don't think he's totally blameless - to "egg on" a married man is pretty low, even if DH is responsible for his own actions at the end of the day). However, rightly or wrongly, when this all came to light, one of the things which you and DH agreed on was that this guy should be asked to leave (legalities of that aside).

And now ...... the goalposts have been changed. DH has gone against what you felt comfortable with, without discussing it with you first (for example, he could have sat you down, acknowledged how brave you've been about this, acknowledged how much he appreciates your forgiveness etc, but talked about it with you from a business point of view) and, IMO, his behaving like this implies a certain level of arrogance regarding your history and the part this man played in it - which is bound to shake your confidence and threaten the trust you have in him. In some ways, it might be perceived that, in his eyes, by re-employing this man, he thinks that "enough" time has passed for you to have "forgotten" about what happened, or that he's spent "enough" time being contrite and, again, in his opinion, it's "time to move on".

Obviously, I don't know what's in his head and I may be wrong, but I do know that if I was in your shoes, I'd be feeling as if DH had decided that it was now time to let bygones be bygones - and I'd feel that it was not HIS place to decide when I was ready to view what had happened totally neutrally. Indeed, I am not sure that I could ever think of such a thing without feeling hurt - though I accept that with time, with counselling, and with support and understanding from the person who hurt me, it is possible to think about it less.

My gut instinct is that you're feeling so awful about this because DH, and not you, has, in a roundabout way, effectively said that that chapter is closed .... and no further "consideration" needs to be made towards it. If that makes sense ? YOU were the one who was hurt - YOU therefore need to feel in control regarding anything which might remind you of what happened ..... and by hiring this man without your agreement he has taken that control away from you. From a business perspective he might be doing the right thing, but from an emotional perspective, he's being incredibly thoughtless in the way he's gone about it.

You have got to talk about this with him. you will go mad stewing on it.

there you go Psycho, I did it

so many messages and kind words. thankyou all......thankyou. this means so much to me, and helps me get my feelings in order a bit better.

and, you have all made me a little tearful too, TBH! I have felt quite 'argh, what have I done' all day......feeling as tho I would come back to a thread that would have made me feel very ashamed of being so open maybe....no idea why, just a thudding heart feeling tho IYGWIM.

squirdle, thankyou lots. yes, you are very true in what you say, and you remember all this so well.....and the support we gave each other, you were wonderful and still are (when we actually get time to meet and speak!!!)

catsmother......yes, it is the lack of acknowledgement that is biting at me. and the way I feel he seems to have moved on from all this. Men I know are different to us (as flashman said!), and maybe he thinks it is all over and done. We, as women tho, carry feelings and memories far too much at times.......

no, not 'far too much'. that's putting the blame on yourself again. you must stop it.

and tbh i think flashman is talking shite. that 'only enough blood to power both' sounds like a stupid excuse made by men who don't want to keep their cocks to themselves, tbh.

fuck off Aitch - I might not know about the parenting stuff - but i do know men - and if a shag if on offer the vast majority would give it serious thought - esp. if they don't think they will get caught. And I would further add I do not think there is a huge amount of mental consideration. And with this I am talking one night stand where it is just pure sex no string nothing.

excuse me? why so aggressive, flashman?

you didn't make that saying up, it's been said many times by many men (and women who don't like to hold men to account for their behaviour).

imo and ime it's a line spun by men who don't like to keep their cocks to themselves... that's all. you should consider apologising, i think, and mind your manners in future.

It always surprises me when men proudly state that they are incapable of turning down sex.

Flashman, you are out of order.

I never claimed i made it up if you actually read it again I said "The best way I ever HEARD it put was that God gave man a Dick and a Brain, but only enough blood to power one at a time." I first heard it by Robin Williams

I never ever said it was an excuse - I am not excusing the behaviour. But it is still a true fact there are not many idiocy that a many would not consider where Sex or Money is involved (and me that is not original either, but it is still a valid point)

I near said it proudly - it was a statement of fact.

Huh?

And Aitch I will apoligise when you do. You could have put No flashman, I disagree because......, not that I am talking shite!