not name changing......I am not sure if I should, BUT, why should I be ashamed????/

[Psychomum5]

I am still not sure if I am doing the right thing, but here goes, fully in........

I am having difficulty.

DH and I are, for the most part, very happily married. very, and for which I know I should be feeling very lucky for, and very fortunate for......BUT

we had a small (well, not so small really) problem 3yrs ago.

he did something with another woman, a paid type of woman.......but a woman that was not found or instgated by him.

he was working away a lot, he is the 'owner' of a building gang, and they had work away for which he employed people for.

now, one such 'bloke' was single (among married men) and this one night, brought this woma back to the digs.

I have no idea, in all honesty, how it all occured.......so I will not say as I could be lying or angry about and so exagerating.

suffice to say, DH did something, then caught something, and gave it to me.

now, to all intent;s and purposes, we have got over it, I was treated, we got councelling, and we are fine.........not least because we were and are happy, we have a fab family, and I can see us growing old together........all makers for a happy marriage.

BUT

the guy that started this was at the time sacked (on my say so) and DH promised to not go away to anywhere that I could not trust him for......until I was fine again.

all ok????

no.....the guy that (in my head) is the instigator, is back working with them again....and I am feeling like shit. I cannot get past this trust issue again....and DH has noticed me being unhappy..as have the kiddies, and me....I am stressed out all the time

I want to get past it, I want to be okay again, I want not to have to tell DH that this man working for them again has worked me up to this degree......

help me see sense again please

he - your H - probably doesn't realise what you did to keep things going, so this is why your first step is going to have to be to communicate this to him, somehow.

and look, don't let this sound like pontificating because everyone knows what a lush i was, but DON'T do that with a bottle of Dutch courage under your belt. i can promise you from experience that it's better to do this whilst sober.

by all means, indulge tonight, get some thoughts down, even on paper or in an email.

bullet points, whatever.

and then have a think about how to present it.

aitch......yes.....things were fine until DH said he was working for them again.

after this 'incident', they fired him and then have had several, not so good, workers working for them, the last one utter shite.....and so, when they heard that this bloke was looking for work they re-hired him. now, work-wise, this is fine and correct, me wise (marriage wise), not so dandy!

"it feels hard because it sounds like you assigned yourself a lot of his share of the blame in order to save your relationship".

I think that is probably very true, Expat.

I think you have taken a lot of pressure off your DH, Psycho.

And perhaps that allowed him to think that things were all fine and dandy - when clearly you are still hurting very badly.

I think you have bravely soldiered on, and the reappearance of this other man is just an insult too far?

or even show him this thread, which is a good suggestion from Aitch.

because as this and these feelings aren't going to go away, and well they shouldn't because they are yours and normal, then they're going to have to brought in the open.

and there is nothing wrong with that.

expat....he is asleep......no way this is coming out tonight!!!

and it is because he is asleep and I am on the wine that I am finally 'coming clean' on here.

I have felt shite now for about 3mths.....and TBH, has contributed to my massive PMT, and I am so fucking shit if it all that I need to get it all out........I feel like a hufe pusssssssy spot that needs to be sqeezed and has much crap inside. so, MN has finally got me!!! and no name change either as for 1, I want honesty which I feel is only possible on my name (IYGWIM), and 2, why should I name change......it is not me at fault after all!

oh psycho, i dont know what to say

i think expat, humph and aitch are speaking a lot of sense. hope you find peace soon xx

but there is no work-wise here, your dh is the boss. if he was another member of the team then there's nothing they could have done. but he's in charge, he said yes.
regardless of the guy's skills he should have been working like an utter bastard to keep him away. and no, it's not fair. but it's your dh's responsibility, not yours.
even in the OP you say 'on my say-so'. i know, i know, yes it was on your say-so, but if your dh hadn't caught somethhing disgusting off a prostitute would you ever have known? and yuck yuck yuck to this guy hiring a sex worker in the first place, btw.
i feel so bad for you, psycho, your dh did a bad bad thing, and you paid a heavy price emotionally and physically. and now the silly fucker's gone and let it all bubble back up again, without even thinking how you might respond. kinda suggests that he didn't really get the point in the first place.

If your DH sacks him for "bringing a woman back and letting me sleep with her" or somesuch... can he be done for unfair dismissal?

If this guy hasn't done anything wrong AT WORK - with his skills he's been employed to use, how can you fire him - legally speaking?

then you're in the right place.

you've stopped pretending and opened up here.

that's a step in the right direction.

he's sleeping, you're getting it out here.

good, because you know you'll have to get it out with him and hopefully after coming on here you're going to be able to do that from a much calmer standpoint.

and it'll be hard.

but how hard is what you're doing now? how much is that costing you and your family?

it sounds like too much, IMO, and so another tack needs to be tried, preferably with you and he getting some real help to deal with this.

lewis......they were all (at that point) self employed......DH is in the process of making it all a LTD company....so in that sense then, I think that it was all ok (ish??)

yes, am purging well tonight.

can I call them (him - DH) a fucking cocksucking arsewipe??!!!

amphibimum.....thanks. x

it's a fucking cocksucking arsewipe thing to do, psycho, so fair play to call a spade a spade with regards to such behaviour.

thankyou!!!

at least I get to let it all out here, and stop being so angry at everyone at home, which is how I have been feeling.

my poor children

know its no use but am sending big hearty squeezy hug things (and thats only coz i know you in person) and a big stiff drink. and some chocolate cake, with no milk in it.

I think the other man will become almost irrelevant once you and DH get this issue properly out in the open.
He is a symbol of the stupid mistake that DH made.

I can quite understand why you want him to get the hell away from your DH though.

ta amphibi........and the choc with no milk is much needed

altho, with milk........nah, won;t go there, not keen on trying to top myself even if it will be with good things in my belly!

hey lady, no talk like that ta v much .
you will be O K.
you need to stop blaming yourself and start communicating and fixing the problems.

Psychomum. I wanted to add something to some of the other comments on here, I hope you don't mind.

As others have said, it was your Dh's responsibility, he did the dirty and was not coerced into it, but, think of it this way. If Dh had not caught something and passed it on to you, you would most likely never have found out and he could've done one of two things...he could've thought ' phew! I'll never do that again, that was stupid, I have jeopardised my marriage' or he could've thought 'hell! I've got away with that and I'll have some more'. He had to tell you because of the STI, so it gave you the choice to sort it out or not. Thankfully, you are(obviously)a strong couple and got through it.
The employee should not have been sacked - no two ways and I guess he could have yelled 'unfair dismissal' which would've made it all much messier and possibly public.
Psycho, you are a beautiful woman. You have 5 beautiful children with your Dh. He would be crazy to do anything again whether extra marital or paying for a service. Let it go. Let it go and trust that your Dh will never get into that situation again, with or without that man around or any other.
You are very lucky. I'd give my right arm to have the relationship you so obviously have with your man.x

well.....lets say that today is the day that I met him for the first time (and the reason for the thread too, as I have been spitting nails all day)

I have never met this bloke before.....he has been an ogre in my head (not rationaly, but hey, what woman would be in my shoes??). and today, I had to go on site for reasons not needed here. and there this guy was, and I had to speak to him to ask him to go find DH. and he looked normal.......so...in my head, this monster is not a monster so how can I have a tantrum (as that is what I feel I will have) on DH, about a bloke who is really wuite stupid, but not blameless.

DH is the blameable one.......and I want to stomp and kick and swear.....and....and .......argh

Oooops! I don't mean with your man!

ok, do you know for sure that this other guy definately brought the prozzy back? Could hubby have spun a yarn to make himself look a tad more innocent in the whole thing? What proof do you have beyond his word?

mrsmaceroon......none beyond how he was when he had to tell me. and I believe him. (fool maybe, but I do, and that, for now, is enough in all this if you understand).

amphibi........no.....not really talking like that, tis just angry (YKWIM!)

solo...gotcha and I understood!!!

aitch and expat, thanks.

hmmmm