not name changing......I am not sure if I should, BUT, why should I be ashamed????/

[Psychomum5]

I am still not sure if I am doing the right thing, but here goes, fully in........

I am having difficulty.

DH and I are, for the most part, very happily married. very, and for which I know I should be feeling very lucky for, and very fortunate for......BUT

we had a small (well, not so small really) problem 3yrs ago.

he did something with another woman, a paid type of woman.......but a woman that was not found or instgated by him.

he was working away a lot, he is the 'owner' of a building gang, and they had work away for which he employed people for.

now, one such 'bloke' was single (among married men) and this one night, brought this woma back to the digs.

I have no idea, in all honesty, how it all occured.......so I will not say as I could be lying or angry about and so exagerating.

suffice to say, DH did something, then caught something, and gave it to me.

now, to all intent;s and purposes, we have got over it, I was treated, we got councelling, and we are fine.........not least because we were and are happy, we have a fab family, and I can see us growing old together........all makers for a happy marriage.

BUT

the guy that started this was at the time sacked (on my say so) and DH promised to not go away to anywhere that I could not trust him for......until I was fine again.

all ok????

no.....the guy that (in my head) is the instigator, is back working with them again....and I am feeling like shit. I cannot get past this trust issue again....and DH has noticed me being unhappy..as have the kiddies, and me....I am stressed out all the time

I want to get past it, I want to be okay again, I want not to have to tell DH that this man working for them again has worked me up to this degree......

help me see sense again please

i think it's not you who needs to see sense, psycho... seems like you've been v reasonable already.

(said while broadly agreeing with lulu however sometimes life sucks and people lose their jobs and if he's good, he'll work elsewhere).

lulu......I am honestly not wanting thins man to take all blame.....DH is to blame as much!!!

this is why I am posting......I am feeling shite about it, I want him gone, I know I am not fair in thinking that.

please help!

to be fair, psycho. dh is totally to blame. the other guy wasn't doing anything wrong, as a single man.

maybe you need to address why there is still a lack of trust at some level, and work on that, rather than firing this man? i am sure dredging up all the memories is painful, but you can comofrt yourself with the fact you worked hard to make it work and stuck through it.

am off to bed now, but i really hope you sort things out and feel better

i am trying to help!!

really, i am

Sorry psycho I understand why you'd be pissed but I'm with lulu and feel sorry for the other bloke. Your DH did it not him, its all your DH's fault - not part.

However, it happened he was fired and I totally agree that your DH shouldn't have re-hired him as he should have been doing EVERYTHING to keep you.

You are angry with the single guy because his actions compromised your happiness and your marriage. He may have been single, but his actions were still sordid and you have good reason to not want him around your DH.

i feel for the other bloke as well.

dont see why a single guy should be made to pay for your husbands mistake. he was married, he fucked up, he should not make someone take the punishment of his actions.

Lulu, the point here is that I don't care about the guy who brought some nasty diseased prositute to share with his buddies. I care about the OP who has lost her peace of mind.

Should the guy write for advice to knuckleheads.com, I'm sure everyone would feel terribly sorry for him and flame our friend psychomom...

yes, I am angry, very angry, but I was then and I got past it, but he is back on the scene (well, the one I am probably irrationaly blaming), and so the feelings are back, clearly meaning I have not really gotten over it (to my shame).

I got the thing beginning with C.

I am still fucked off (see, I said it...I am stilled (FUCKED* OFF)!!!

and I want not to be....

Psycho - Have you told him how upset it makes you feel?

luckysalem.......not as yet.

I did say (when he told me that they had re-hired this bloke) that I was not happy.....but he does not realise just how unhappy I am. I guess really that I was blaming this guy more than I was blaming DH, and in my head, it was all centered on this guy and as long as he was not about, I was safe, if that makes sense?

I hate feeling like this, I really do.....it is 3yrs later, I should be over it.....

shouldn;t I??

kerry....noooooo....not even thought about tests like that

Pyscho - I hate to say this but a relationship is built on trust and right now you obviuosly don't trust him (although this is hidden, I think through your hatred of the other guy)

You need to deal with it - both of you.

why should you be over it? i think you've moved on admirably. and dh has a sight too much, imo.

I do tho, unless this other guy is about.

only if this other guy is about.....why is that???

I hate this.....I try to be ok, try to be normal, thry to be happy........and all I can think about is this sodding bloke sho in all honesty did nothing worng!!!!

or HepC.

that one can take ages to show up.

and he's lucky he's married to you and not me.

because if he tried to pull the, 'it was him, he was the instigator!' stunt i'd have kicked him out even faster for not just owning up.

Bcos the other bloke reminds you of what he did. You therefore in my opinion aren't over it, just buried it! And that's not a bad thing as such as it's a big thing to get over (something I would never be able to do, so if DP cheated I know that would be the end of us)

You both need to discuss this. Tell him honestly how you feel.

your dh was in the wrong for doing what he did, he sacked the guy to pacify you. (let's leave the ethics of that to one side).

now dh has let this guy back into your lives when, let's be honest, he didn't need to. of course it's going to shake you.

expat, he did own up....as soon as he realised he got something, he owned up....and to be honest, back then, I walked out to a friends.

we worked things out tho, as there are our kiddies and I was terrified of the future without him but believe me, it was not all sweetness and light, we had to work bloody hard, and onlu now can I really talk about it (altho with my invisible friends).....

I am finding it hard at the mo tho, and am feeling shite and shouting far too much, and still trying not to tell DH (which maybe I should, so he can reassure me in some way)

Tell DH its winding you up. Don't hide it or it'll cause more of what you already have.

I hope things sort themselves out for you.

you HAVE to talk to him about this... it's just that you don't want to hear dh say that it doesn't matter (when it does).
you're flamey's pal, aren't you? she's a clever friend, what does she say?