not name changing......I am not sure if I should, BUT, why should I be ashamed????/

[Psychomum5]

I am still not sure if I am doing the right thing, but here goes, fully in........

I am having difficulty.

DH and I are, for the most part, very happily married. very, and for which I know I should be feeling very lucky for, and very fortunate for......BUT

we had a small (well, not so small really) problem 3yrs ago.

he did something with another woman, a paid type of woman.......but a woman that was not found or instgated by him.

he was working away a lot, he is the 'owner' of a building gang, and they had work away for which he employed people for.

now, one such 'bloke' was single (among married men) and this one night, brought this woma back to the digs.

I have no idea, in all honesty, how it all occured.......so I will not say as I could be lying or angry about and so exagerating.

suffice to say, DH did something, then caught something, and gave it to me.

now, to all intent;s and purposes, we have got over it, I was treated, we got councelling, and we are fine.........not least because we were and are happy, we have a fab family, and I can see us growing old together........all makers for a happy marriage.

BUT

the guy that started this was at the time sacked (on my say so) and DH promised to not go away to anywhere that I could not trust him for......until I was fine again.

all ok????

no.....the guy that (in my head) is the instigator, is back working with them again....and I am feeling like shit. I cannot get past this trust issue again....and DH has noticed me being unhappy..as have the kiddies, and me....I am stressed out all the time

I want to get past it, I want to be okay again, I want not to have to tell DH that this man working for them again has worked me up to this degree......

help me see sense again please

Hmm, call me tomorrow if you need to....

All the emotions you have described sound pretty normal to me. And you know I know what I am talking about

squridle.......I will....I must...I got to let this all go!!!(and yes, I do understand!)

yes, I am flame's pal, but she went thro this all before with me, and got me thro, no fair to rake it all back up again!!!!

if he owned up, then why did the subject of this chap being 'the instigator' even come up?

would have been a moot point, when the person who was in the wrong takes responsibility for his actions.

and you didn't work it out.

because the issue is still there and, as Aitch pointed out, he hired this guy back.

and even now, you're trying not to tell your spouse.

that's not working it out, that's burying it.

Broadly I agree with Lulumama's comments.

But your DH agreed to sack this man as part of the deal Psychomum and he struck in order to repair the damage to their relationship.

Leaving aside whether that was fair or not, it was part of the agreement.

And now her DH has rehired this man, despite knowing how unhappy it would make Psychomum.

That stinks, frankly.

I do think that Psychomum is directing her anger at the wrong man, but he is symbolic of this horrible episode in their relationship, and the fact that he is back on the scene is bound to be upsetting for her.

I feel for you, Psycho, I really do.

Your DH owes you better than this.

ive delibertely not read any other answers before i give you my opinion- for what its worth its over its past its done its gone dont dredge everything up.

the bloe did not force your dh to do it your dh for whatever reason did it and hes paid a hefty price with respect from you.

the man who was sacked might be a bloody good worker he might be earning your husbnd and therefore your family decent money.

you have to let it go you cnnot carry this laying of blame to man who is of no consequence to you.

let it go is my opinion.

I disagree with 'you/I have to let it go'.

No, you don't and you can't so what is the point.

I disagree with your letting it go with respect to your H, not to the employee in question. Because that employee did nothing wrong - he wasn't married. He didn't put a gun to your DH's head and force him to consort with a prossie.

But your H allowed him to be used as a patsy and now expects you just to swallow it all down and move on.

He needs to know it doesn't work that way.

YOU need to quit feeling guilty over 'dredging it all up again' or not 'letting it go' or any other thought process you're using just now to denigrate your own, perfectly normal feelings.

And BOTH of you need to get to a relationship counsellor asap.

Because sometimes you need to see a repair person to help fix things.

and this is why I ask you all......to get the feel of where I should be in all this.

let it go

rake it back up

blame the worng person

all that and more really!!!!!

I want to let it go....I got thro it before, and I worked damn fucking hard at it, and TBH, got the worst fucking deal as I also ended up with an OP after, altho that was on the cards anyway, the infection made my body worse (altho that it done and gone now).....

I am propbably using you all now to let go of some of this.....I keep it all in and it eats away at me, and I don;t like the me it is eating away at......and DH probably does know that I am unhappy as his comments are probing in the right direction!

Right now, psycho, you're letting yourself take all the responsibility for this.

And you can see that is not working.

expat, you are right.....yes, I am blaming me a lot.....why, if I was not doing something wroung in the first place, should he have done this?????

i totally agree with Humphreycushion, your dh has welched on a Really Really Important Marriage-Saving Deal. oh god, psycho, i feel for you, really i do. because from what you're saying, somehow you're placing the onus on yourself to suck this all up.

You may never know why he did that, Psycho, and he may not even know himself.

And that is something you will have to make peace with.

But right now you are putting all the blame for all the feelings over this on yourself. It's not going to work because it's not right.

And feelings like this do not have a statute of limitations on them, so quit beating yourself up for having them.

exactly, expat. poor you, psycho.

aitch, yes, blaming me lots.......and the other bloke, and DH to some extent (and christ, how I tell other women that DH's are the blame in similar situations)....

I guess, right now, I blame myself for being angry when I think I should not be....IYGWIM

we got thro this, so DH thinks......I am not so sure now tho

please no-one think tho that I am wanting to walk away from DH....I do not.

I am still happily married, I am just finding me hard right now, and finding the right way thro this for me and DH, and most especially, the kiddies!!!!

I think perhaps you are trying to protect your DH from your hurt, Psycho.

But your hurt is completely natural, and the re-hiring of this man reopens old wounds.

I think it is sad that your DH hasn't realised why you are unhappy and stressed.

But spell it out for him.

None of this is your fault.

I think you need to speak to DH. the other man has taken the focus of your anger, he isn't the one to blame for your marriage trouble. You have worked really hard to get over this and maybe your DH thinks it is behind you. It isn't but your DH doesn't know that

Speak to him, tell him this has brought back just how much he hurt you. Your anger is on the wrong person.

And is it really necessary to be so scaremongering KM? I would imagine the gum clinic would have counselled this couple and fwiw you don't need to be careful around blood products with the DC, they would only be at risk from sharing needles, sexual intercourse and BF. No need to make this couple feel even worse!

you didn't get through it, because it's still here. it's still an issue.

time passed. that's what happened.

and that's different from having gotten through or worked through something, because working through something leaves you with some sense of closure and peace.

so really it's not surprising that you are having these feelings, you had them all along, they were just hidden under hte surface because it was too painful and scary to really deal with at the time.

but the point is that they are still there.

and at this point, it would probably help A LOT if you and he saw a professional to really and truly face this.

but you'll need to leave guilt in the waiting room, because it's not yours to begin with.

but it's DH's fault entirely, not yours, not the guy's. what would upset me is that dh has re-emplyed the guy. what the fuck is he thinking? that it all went away?

i don't think that this means the end of anything, btw, it's a man thing, he probably isn't getting it, or at least is sticking his head in the sand. who knows, his gangers may have been putting pressure on him to bring this bloke back? but nothing's a good enough excuse for dh to even begin to potentially start to open this can of worms up again?

what about letting him read this thread?

right, well, this thread has proven one thing...I can stop balming me, and start talking to DH more.

why does it all feel so hard tho????

it feels hard because it sounds like you assigned yourself a lot of his share of the blame in order to save your relationship.

it's understandable, but it's a stop gap and as you see, stop gaps are temporary and very easily disassembled.

you poor wee thing. i think expat's right, blaming yourself was probably what saved your marriage at the time and very admirable in a weird way. but your dh has majorly fucked up by putting this back in front of you again. och, i'm so sorry for you, it must have been so much better before you found out this guy was back on the scene. at least then you could keep your head in the sand.

you speak a lot of sense expat........work you magic on me please!

would you consider showing dh the thread?