How would you feel/react if a new man said the following about your body after sex?

[honkytonkwoman]

(1) "It's too bushy." Said about easy-to-guess bits, which I had (I thought) trimmed very neatly the evening before.

(2) "Your clitoris is not very easy to find."

(3) "Ooh, your legs are a bit stubbly - you need to Immac." Said, again, while cuddling in the early hours of the morning, and at the very early stages of grow-back - I'd shaved the morning before, less than 24 hours previously.

I want to know how others would respond or react to this, before I say anymore. Thanks.

for the newly single/had a long break from dating:
youdidnthearitfromus

hesjustnotthatintoyou

thegame

essential reading, IMO!

or just read Dan Savage's column, Savage Love.

Agree with dittany and expat. Seriously it's not what you would call usual behaviour.

You don't get him, we don't get him, he is coming across as odd, tactless, sexually inexperienced and self indulgent. In a very short space of time. Its not a winner.

Hello HTW. Just read this message. Just to add my thoughts:

1. Don't be hard on yourself that you didn't spot this behaviour. It is easy for any of us to look at other people's situations and see them for what they really are. Much harder for us to do this when we are truly emotionally tied up in something. We have all been there and not told somebody to F Off, or dumped them in a dignified fashion and it is truly wonderful for you to get all this advice and do it textbook style!!! If only we could all go backwards and do the same for some of our own relationship nightmares!

1. You are right to say that you don't have an issue with being too sensitive - the majority of women would of course be upset if somebody they cared enough about to sleep with twice said the comments you mentioned. You are correct that it is how you deal with it that matters. Get those barriers up to this kind of behaviour!

Thanks for tips, expat and others. Have already had one of those books recommended. About to do a book order anyway, so will sling a few more in the basket.

Bizarre as it seems, a letter is very him. He's old-school, doesn't do technical, it's all fountain pen script - so from what I know of him, it doesn't seem that odd; seems to fit the "charming gent" mould. BUT I'm not getting sucked in - panic not! I can see all the crap lurking beneath the surface. I feel a bit passive aggressive not responding at all TBH, when he's gone to the "trouble" of writing. But I can see it's the way to go and if I get labelled with that one too, again, it's not my problem.

What an adventure! God, this tentative foray back into the world of dating after a looong break (I was a teenager when I met my ex-partner) is an education.

BTW sally, he was quite defuzzed - seeing as you ask. I don't mind this in a bloke, a little bit, as it makes certain pursuits easier. But he was decidedly sans hair all over, in quite a preened sort of way - and I tend to prefer a more rough-around-the-edges, hirsute man. Come to think of it, I do remember him saying something along the lines of, "Don't you think it's more hygenic [to remove hair downstairs]?" And I said, "Er, no. Hair is there because it's meant to be there. And what makes having it unhygenic?"

So, judging by several posts, the alarm bells should ring when an outwardly good catch is still single at 48. This raises other questions along the lines of at what age does being single in and of itself represent a warning sign? And are any single men beyond a particular age worth hooking up with? Spill the beans, you lot. expat - you must have something to say about this.

Honky Tonk this is sooo funny. I feel like some kind of voyeur on an episode in my youth.

He sounds like a total wally but I'm sure it's been intriguing for you stringing him along. Lets hope he lands on the shores of bald pubes soon and realises what a desert it is.

I hope you find a real man soon (i'm sure you will!!!)

I had a rather abusive and controlling exh who was rather precious about sex and seemed to like everything I was not and ultimately used it to avoid sex. Men like this will if left to their own devices will destroy you.

Fast forward to last year, met up with exbf who appears to have no issues whatsoever with my body and also gives compliments (shock horror).

Was discussing this with my friend when we were away on girlie weekend this year and I told her I would never ever express any negative opinion about my body to any man. We are just not going to go there.

So any crap like this guy has been spouting would have been dismissed pronto. All his issues nothing to do with you.

Also surely there is a basic etiquette when you sleep with someone and he has crossed the line completely.

I am thinking that you will probably receive a text message from him in the next 4/5 days because he wants a dialogue with you. He probably has ants in his pants waiting to hear what you think about his letter.
Very glad you got rid of him HTW.

yeah, i think he's got some issues with pubic hair.

has he ever been married? in a long-term relationship he just got out of? kids? why'd the last relationship/marriage end? multiple divorces? did the long-term relationship or marriage end because of her infidelity (i avoided men like this like the plague if the split was relatively recent because they tended to still harbour some really strong emotions about this)?

in general, however, i found that if they were over 40 and never been married and still single, there were some pretty valid reasons for this.

just in general, not all the time of course.

HTW, in terms of my post the alarm bells ringing have nothing to do with being single at his age. Having said that, even if he is single, you would expect that he would have had several long-term, significant relationships by now.

I'm going to be all judgey judgey now but honestly, he was talking about fanjos in terms of hygiene?! On a date?!? Sounds like he's one step short of calling sex dirty TBH.

Now if he'd been talking about fanjos being sexier with less hair, although still tactless, is still preferable to the hygiene angle IMO.

You shouldn't be having to write any of this stuff, cos it shouldn'ta happened!! You should have had a great shag and be on another a hot date right this minute

You are right Dittany, a "gentleman" would never comment on a lady's undercarriage in a less than flattering way, if at all!

And a gentleman would not see fit to write such a personal letter. What does he expect, that you will write back and say "Thanks for telling me all about myself, now I see how hung up I am on, er, your body issues about my body"!?

Time to get yourself a new school gentleman if this is all the old school offers...

that guy is gonna be single forever

some men are just meant to be - i remember one loser looked me up and down and said 'you're slightly overweight (which i'm not at all) and your ears stick through your hair (guilty as charged -gives me a cute liv tyler in lord of the rings look -blame my dad's genes lol).

I actually felt sorry for him cos i knew that his objectification of me was caused by a lifetime's wanking over porn . loser loser loser.

utter twat.

He's laboured full of self-righteous indignation over those 6 pages...sap!

Can hear his teeth grind with frustration if he thinks you never read it!

I hope you manage to carry through the non-reply thing. I agree he sounds, if not a complete loon, then certainly obsessive and that is something you'd want to avoid. He probably will make contact: I'd thank him for his letter if so, tell him it made interesting reading, and that you would now prefer it if he did not contact you again. But let him initiate that.

As for being unmarried at 48, doesn't always mean nuttiness. My bro has just got engaged for the first time at 52, and this is partly because he mas major self-esteem issues from a childhood with undiagnosed dyslexia in an otherwise very academic family, and partly because he had his heart very badly broken in his early 30's and gave women a miss for a very long time. he is very very happy and that's lovely to see ;)

have just skimmed thru this thread, and agree that this guy will be single all his life. if it wasn't your legs / pubes, etc that were "wrong", he'd find something else that didn't suit him.

Don't worry about finding someone better than him, in all my days I've never had comments like that from any man, and you sound much better groomed than me!

ok so you read the letter to satisfy your curiosity, fair enough.
be he doesnt need to kow you read it.

i would not respond and if he ever asks you say, oh that letter well i put it in the bin, as i think its best we stop dwelling ad just draw a line under this.
the rapidly change the subject, oh did you see x on tv last week, or whatever

he will be seethig esp having written 6 pages

hehehe you get the last laugh

well done your getting there.

btw my dh goes on sayig i need a trim down there,and that all women have brazillians these days. i say i will do mine when you do yours
i only do the bikini line when we go on holiday the rest of the time its au natural for me.

hehehehehehe pmsl at all these posts

he wrote the letter to get a reaction and to pat himself on the back for being (in his mind) sooooo clever and sooooo able to communicate his feelings

how very lo-ver-ly of him to give you sooooo much of his time

he will be achingly desperate to hear back from you ... that's what all such narcisists do ... they long to hear/see/know that they can elicit a response ... fuels their super-egos

truthfully, i doubt you'll be able to help yourself .... its too tempting and frustrating ... and we all enjoy getting the last word in (even tho the only person that ever does that when there's a narcissicist involved is the narc)

so if you absolutely must then I'd just take the sanctimonius high ground of " I was astonished that you spent so much time thinking about me to warrant 6 pages of a letter after we had only had sex twice and I thought I had been clear that we just aren't compatible I must've made quite an impact. I am so grateful for your insights and wisdom and will certainly think through your advice. Good luck with your next relationship although having experienced your superior knowledge of women Im sure you don't need any such well wishes from me."

I doubt he'll be able to figure out you're being sardonic ... he'll be too busy preening himself in the mirror and saying 'oh aren't I special"

but he'll be saying that TO HIMSELF for a long time .... meanwhile you'll 'finish' this without any obvious recriminiation/bitterness he could cite at a later date to all and sundry and you'll be kicking up your heels and wiggling your beautifully=pruned bettyboo for a much worthier bloke ...

The only thing I'd send him is a link to this thread.

i cant find our dick?.... oh sorry its on your head!
WHAT A FUCKING KNOB!

Sorry wrong thread! X