Night in police custody

[fireflyblue]

I’m so upset writing this, I’m still shocked at what’s happened and don’t feel ready to speak to anyone in real life yet.

last night my boyfriend and I had an argument, he was verbally aggressive and started to make me feel scared that he was going to assault me, I phoned the police - which might sound extreme, but I really did feel like it could’ve become physical at any moment.

After I called the police I went upstairs and waited in the bedroom, 3 officers arrived quite quickly. 2 of them came upstairs to talk to me and 1 stayed downstairs with boyfriend. I was explaining the situation to the 2 offices when shortly after the 3rd officer came upstairs, he said that my boyfriend had said that I’d assaulted him by punching him in the face 4 times and he had marks on his face.

I said this was completely not true and that he must’ve marked himself when I was upstairs. I showed them my hands which had no signs of hitting anyone and said that surely if I’d hit him 4 times I’d have marks on me from where he’d defended himself or tried to restrain me. The office said that given his allegations they’d have to arrest me.

I was taking into custody at about 9:30pm and was there for 18 hours. It was the most upsetting experience ever, I’d never even been inside a police station before yesterday, I didn’t have a clue what to expect (other than what I’ve seen on tv), I was scared at what could happen and also in utter disbelief that I was being treated like a criminal when I’d called them because I thought I was at risk of being assaulted. The cell was freezing cold with a bright light on all night, I had to wear a grey tracksuit and lay on a mat with a thin blanket. I wasn’t offered a drink for about 10 hours, no food, obviously no access to my phone which was upsetting as I was supposed to be picking my children up this morning from their dads. I just sat on the mat for all those hours, pretty much crying the entire time other than the 40 mins when I was with the solicitor and having the interview.

The outcome of the interview was no further action, I was then released after the paperwork was completed.

when I turned my phone on, immediately there was a call off boyfriend - he told me
how he hadn’t slept all night and was upset and didn’t mean for me to be arrested and that he hoped we could work through things.

I then got an uber to his house - to collect my car and belongings that were still there, when I arrived he was dressed smartly, I asked where he was going and he said to have a pint with his mate to relax.

I’d had the worst day of my life and was an emotional wreck and he felt he needed to relax!!! I told him I never want to see him again and drove home.

I’m home now and just so so upset - my boyfriend lying and having me arrested, the way the events went with the police, being in the cell for all those hours which felt like torture, the worry over not being able to contact children and then finally the lack of compassion from him when I was released, not that I wanted to spend time with him, but him arranging to go out with mates while I was still in a cell is so insulting.

I don’t really know why I’m posting :( reading this back I can’t believe what’s happened

You’ve blocked him, keep him blocked. If he turns up at your house don’t open the door, if he has keys ( I hope not) you’ll have to change the locks. If he turns up put your phone on record, go to upstairs window and tell him to leave, you’ve told him you don’t want any contact, do not come here again. Say it calmly but firmly, no threats, no shouting. If he won’t go, call the police , you have evidence of what was said and how it as said. Don’t get into any arguments or answer respond to anything the says .
my abusive ex threatened to report me for the most horrendous ( entirely fictitious) things, I’d have been suspended from work, possibly never worked in my profession again , could have been questioned by police. I was terrified which was what he wanted. It’s terrifying and I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. You might even have to take court action against him but one step at a time, don’t be tempted back by pleas or promises. Best thing I did was run for the hills. And get support from somewhere, Women's Aid maybe is a good place to start.

They don't make you change your clothes when you're in police custody overnight.

Oh ffs stop with the victim blaming, she had had 2 glasses of wine.

OP I sincerely hope you never have to have any contact with your ex bf again. He sounds a bloody nightmare. If he comes round to yours, do not let him in.

Op stop stressing about social services turning up and try and move on with your life.
My ex wife beat me up leaving me with a black eye.
The police weren't interested one bit never mind social services. She is a teacher as well and was worried if I reported it she would lose her job but again nothing happened.
The lack of support for victims of domestic abuse and also people in danger as you felt you were is just not available. I learnt the hard way not to trust the police. Hopefully you have learnt the same lesson.

I'm so sorry you've been through this. Please don't go back to him. Someone who makes false allegations that could have serious consequences for you is not someone you can safely trust. Take some time, lean on people you trust and focus on yourself and your children.

Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

Im going to play devil's advocate here.

IF you had left his house and gone to a hotel, what would be happening now?
Would he have sweet talked back into 'your good books'? Would uou be questioning your own version if events? Believe you had over reacted in leaving?

Although it has been a horrendous night for you, you are in a better position than continuing blindly in the relationship. You know his true colours, you know you deserve so much better.
Ive been with my DH for 32 yrs now and not once, not even for one second have I ever felt fearful of him. You are lucky to be out of that relationship, please do not unblock him please do not go back x x

Just remember what he did and how you felt locked up if you ever feel like getting back together.
Can you imagine going back to him then if at any time you argued he would know that you would be afraid to call the police, as if you did he would turn it on you again with the likely outcome they would belive him again as you are on record. Stay strong.

Does he have keys? If so change your locks. Also get a ring doorbell and cameras installed if you can afford it. Make that report as the police suggested.

Do what the police said was an option and ring 101 to organise getting the true account of events on record. Screenshot the messages he sent so you have evidence that he thought you could work things out.

I’m so sorry this happened.

You should contact specialist lawyers, you may have a claim for compensation. Don’t submit a complaint until you’ve spoken to them.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. It must have been an absolute nightmare. Please consider counselling if you don't shake the after-effects very quickly.

Maybe the best way to look at this is that, horrible though the experience was, and very unfair, it was the quickest way of finding out who this man was. He was clearly someone who should never have been around either you or your children, but it may have taken you years and quite a bit of emotional damage to find that out. He's done you a favour by shortening that period and lessening the possible damage

But please do take the police's advice and lodge a report about his behaviour leading up to your arrest and his false allegation. Then move on and enjoy a wonderful Christmas with your family without this toxic man in your life.

You’ve been through so much. OP I would file a complaint against him, just so it shows SS you’ve taken it seriously and have nothing to do with him. Also if not for you, for the next woman he does this too. So there’s evidence and honestly the police taking you away that night is a blessing. Could have kept you more safer than you could have been there.

This!! What an evil man. Get rid of him and definitely don’t spend Christmas with him.

How old is he??

Please don’t change your mind and go back to him because of Christmas plans. In fact make completely different plans with your children so there’s no chance of bumping into him.

OP, the abuser claiming that the victim abused them is a classic tactic. I think it might be in the book WHY DOES HE DO THAT? which is about violent, angry, abusive men.

I am SO glad that you told him where to go and left. I really hope you stick to it. He sounds utterly awful, first for scaring you that much and secondly to hit himself and then lie to police, and have you arrested! Bollocks is he upset that you were arrested. If he was that upset, he'd have confessed to the lie as soon as it became clear that they were going to take you into custody.

I don't know what you can do except move on from it. It's really, really unfair. Can you afford a few sessions of counselling?

These people are like poison. My son had a relationship with a woman who made the most unbelievable assertions when he broke things off with her. He had a similar experience to you but because he was a man it got dragged on a lot longer. He was very lucky not to be convicted - not because he'd done anything at all but because the police were very willing to believe the complainant's fantastical tale. She practically stalked him afterwards. Like you, he'd never ever had any interaction at all with the police before - not so much as a parking ticket.

Thankfully, after this he was totally cured of any lingering feelings he might have had for this woman and would have crawled over broken glass to get away from her. I suggest you adopt a similar approach.

He had a new partner afterwards and she stood by him through the whole thing. I am profoundly grateful for that. They are no longer together but are still close friends.

If that man was that concerned about you he would have turned up prepared to bail you out. He knows you didn't assault him but he had the presence of mind to hit himself in the face a couple of times, and lie to the police without compunction. He is then is going out drinking and enjoying himself rather than apologising to you till his lips bled.

I suggest you lock down your social media and block him on everything. He is dangerous. He seems to lack any moral compass. If he has a key, get new locks. I'd have have a Ring door thing installed if you don't have one already. Change your passwords if he would know them or be able to guess without much difficulty.

It’s common sense. I work in health care and a situation like that where children are in the family, not necessarily at the actual event, would be flagged for safeguarding and social care.

@SouthernSeaGlass talks of him bailing you out if he were decent but I've just checked online and, assuming that you are in the UK, bail don't become a thing until someone has appeared in court. Not that OP will go to court, of course.

Stay strong OP & do not let him back into your life.

Funnily enough, I was just thinking on the police’s part, this is one sure fire way of making sure a woman decides not to call them next time, because of the fear she’ll be locked up again.
I know everyone is saying they followed process, etc but this in these circumstances doesn’t appear to me like they handled it in the best way. I know people will disagree with me but I can’t help picturing a woman get 10 lumps knocked out of her by a man who knows she won’t be calling the police again because he can make them believe him rather than her.

Make sure you keep him blocked and do not fall for any apologies he may try to make. The fact he was off out with his mate when you returned from 18hrs in the cell, says he is not sorry. What an absolute arsehole. Make your christmas plans with someone else and keep your kids away from someone you feel the need to call the police on during an argument.

Thank goodness he’s an ex. Imagine the power imbalance now he knows he can frame you like that. Chilling. Never be near him again.

He should be charged with wasting police time. However just leave it and concentrate on raising your beautiful children.

Also be careful, op - my partner who was very similar to yours (gaslighter, would very cleverly wear me down and attack me where it couldn't be seen) always tried to worm his way back, but only in ways which couldn't be proven. He'd then turn it onto me when I inevitably reported him to the police, saying things like he was "defending" himself, and I'd end up getting the reprimand.

If your ex had the mindset to hurt himself while you were upstairs (so he knew the police were coming?) and then say YOU did it to him, he is capable of anything. My ex wasn't going to stop until I was in prison, and I'd literally done nothing wrong. It was only because I totally stopped associating with him that nothing else happened to me. He was very, very clever and such a good liar. He had CAFCASS, the police, and even some of my friends fooled.

Be very careful from now on. If you go back to him, you'll end up in a cell again but it's up to you what you do. Take my advice and don't see him again.

I would say the police did wrong - have they learned nothing from the Vikram Digba case - if you called them then they surely there is a recorded call of a distressed woman. To get there then accept the claim you assaulted him. Are you 6 ft and do weights?? I mean it's ridiculous they believed him and also put your children at risk by not letting you make arrangements for them.
I would speak/write to your MP. Any women's groups and complain to the police themselves.
Which police force was this - they said this happens all the time - that needs discussed in Parliament - that when women call for help the other is believed.

We have such a tick box society that no police person dares to use common sense. Go to the papers but that gives you more stress.

Why wasn't there a way of just getting you home. Obviously the fight would stop if you were in different places.

Your ex is an abusive shit bag. I'm sorry this happened to you and sincerely hope you never have contact with him again.