How do you meet your intellectual needs?

[IntellectuallyStarved]

Just that really.

I think I must have a really high need for intellectual stimulation. It's what keeps me feeling energised and I'm really feeling the lack of it and have been for a few years.

I was with my ex husband for 15 years and I know that our intellectual connection was really the only thing that kept us together. I've never really found that in anyone else. And I know that he hasn't either.

I'm in a relationship with a lovely man whose company I enjoy and have a lot of shared interests with but he doesn't have the interest or the ability to engage on a much higher level. Thats fine and I know no one can tick every box.

Before him, I dated a man who was far more interested in this but it didn't work because he was only really interested in being right and feeling superior to other people, which isn't what I'm interested in either.

My 28yo son and I have an intellectual connection and I know its something he similarly craves so we talk to each other but it still doesn't feel enough.

I have worked for 20 years in a professional career that can be very tiring and involves long hours and a lot of mental activity and hard work but it isn't intellectually stimulating and is becoming increasingly less so. I've recently left that and am moving into a related field which has a much wider scope for challenge. I hope!

I think i need to diversify so that my career is more varied and intellectually stimulating, which I think this move would be. But I don't really know where to start.

It's not that I want to sit around for hours debating world politics or have indepth discussions on 19th century literature. It's more that I need deeper conversations, I suppose. Although, I love listening people talk about topics they are passionate about even if I don't share the passion or have the knowledge in their specialism to engage at their level. Nor is it necessarily about intelligence. I suppose it's a true intellectual curiosity and a desire to explore ideas with someone else that I need.

I have a lot of acquaintances but few close friends because of various life stuff that has happened. I'm also autistic and my two closest friends are too which means we're not always very good at meeting up. I do have deeper conversations with them but they're few and far between.

And maybe it not even someone else I need. Maybe it's a need I should be meeting in myself?

So I'm just hoping there will be others who share this need and who can share what they do - for inspiration.

Thanks.

Of course you do, if what’s at issue is intellectual content.

Why though? As long as your own intellectual needs are met why the need to sneer at others for having 'lesser' interests. I know a lot of smart, intelligent people who have quite ordinary interests, my BIL is a consultant surgeon for example and is very invested in off road biking. This does not mean he isn't capable of having deeper level, meaningful conversations.
There are two people I know who I'd describe as intellectuals and they are a husband and wife, both in their 90s now. They are lovely and take an interest in anyone else's interests, rather than thinking they are superior in their intellectualism.
A few posts on this thread remind me of the threads where an OP lists signs of being middle class or having old money and several posters break their necks to show they are exactly that. It comes across most uncouth.

Well said 👏 something about professing to be an intellectual just feels really snobby and superior doesn’t it? All these posters scrambling to out-intellectualise each other! As another poster said on their reply to me “truly intelligent people don’t feel the need to brag about it”. It’s funny, i actually wouldn’t want to be seen as an intellectual, whether I was or wasn’t, because my view of them is snobby, patronising, stuffy fun sponges, who think they’re smarter than everyone else. But that’s just based on my own personal experience. I’m sure there are some nice ones! But there is a tendency among them to view other interests (like mountain biking) as inferior, when imo each interest is just as valid as the next. Fair enough, I can see how a discussion about astrophysics has the potential to go way deeper than one about mountain bikes. However, I don’t see how an interest in 19th century literature is superior to an interest in mountain biking. Just different

Agree. I’ve been following this thread for no reason than as it bloody irritates me. There’s nothing worse than any kind of snob. Particularly those that think they’re so much smarter than those around them.
If OP isn’t able to find contentment with her partner, and not able to give any consideration to whether HIS needs are being met, then she needs to do him a favour and leave.

However, I don’t see how an interest in 19th century literature is superior to an interest in mountain biking. Just different

i think reading and thinking and talking about literature springboard into wide and encompassing issues abiut gender, class and so on. It’s okay to feel intellectually unsatisfied by conversations or lack of with your partner. But it wouldn’t be necessary to express it that way to your spouse and it wouldn’t be okay to feel somehow superior based on something that’s largely genetic. It’s okay and valid to end an intellectually unsatisfying romantic relationship. I’m not sure how such a relationship would work long term once you’ve seen it? Isn’t it similar to differing sex drives that cause unhappiness, you can ignore it but eventually doesn't it create distance?

@Rubydobydo “There’s nothing worse than any kind of snob. Particularly those that think they’re so much smarter than those around them.”

I agree. Genuine intelligence is often quiet because truly knowledgeable people focus on observing, learning, and evaluating rather than proving themselves to others.

Being intellectual does not necessarily mean showing off about it and considering oneself superior. It does mean taking pleasure in activities that engage critical thinking, that rest on previously acquired knowledge and is all the better if it shared with another/ others who have a degree of prior knowledge, or at least interest. I’m able to appreciate people who are not intellectually disposed and take pleasure in other stuff eg sports, and evening in the pub. My best mate at work is like that, I love her positive attitude and energy and problem solving outlook. It’s fine that we can’t go into eg the latest Booker prize novel or current affairs.

something about professing to be an intellectual just feels really snobby and superior doesn’t it?

I would agree with this.

Except that I don't think anyone on here has professed to be AN intellectual.

There have been a few replies from highly educated academics who are experts in their field and would undoubtedly fall into that category and who have said they don't need intellectual stimulation outside work/personal academic pursuits either, because of it. But, with respect to them, that's not what I was asking about either and isn't really helpful to the question I asked.

I started the thread because my intellectual needs aren't being met. Most people have understood exactly what I meant and shared what they do to meet their own intellectual needs.

Some people have empathised because they don't feel that that need is met by their partner either, who is probably the person most of us are closest to and share most of our time with and have shared what they do alone to meet their own needs (what I was asking). I love my partner and I enjoy his company and doing other things with him. I haven't criticised him and none of them has criticised their partner either.

I don't think any less of my partner because he isn't interested in deeper conversations, explorations or reflections because, as I have said, he has many great qualities that I love and admire and, as I have also said many times, I don't expect him to meet all of my needs. But it does mean that that need is unmet.

If OP isn’t able to find contentment with her partner, and not able to give any consideration to whether HIS needs are being met, then she needs to do him a favour and leave.

I haven't said I can't find any contentment with him.

Whenever I don't meet any of his needs, he is free speak to me about it or to meet them with others. Eg I have no interest in his favourite sport. I'm happy to listen to him when he talks about it but I can't contribute because I have absolutely no knowledge in or understanding of it and no interest in it either so that won't be changing. He meets that need by himself or with others.

When he does talk to me about it, it's a more like him delivering a lecture rather than having a conversation because I have nothing to say. It gives him an opportunity to share his thoughts, feelings and opinions but that is all.

All these posters scrambling to out-intellectualise each other!

I haven't actually seen any of that! People sharing their interests and how they meet those isn't 'out intellectualising' anyone. That was literally the point of the thread.

Genuine intelligence is often quiet because truly knowledgeable people focus on observing, learning, and evaluating rather than proving themselves to others.

Again, no one is trying to prove anything to anyone else. I haven't complained to my partner, I don't reject people as friends because I deem them to be 'unintelligent'.
I haven't mocked anyone or called anyone names. I haven't been provocative or tried to put anyone down. And neither has anyone else who understood the question and what I was asking.

Interestingly, people who understood the question, have understood what I meant by 'intellectual needs' and have responded usefully and helpfully and I've taken it on board.

People who have nothing to contribute in that respect have fundamentally misunderstood both the question and the term 'intellectual needs' and have resorted to name calling and mockery precisely because they didn't understand the question or the language.

As long as your own intellectual needs are met why the need to sneer at others for having 'lesser' interests.

And finally, you are right in this. No one should be criticising anyone for having 'lesser' interests. In fact, there are no 'lesser' interests. Just different categories of interest. And as long as your own intellectual needs are being met, it doesn't matter what someone else's interests are.

In fact, the very question I asked was how other people meet their own intellectual needs because mine are currently unmet.

Exactly.

could you join some groups? Book club etc? Local history group? astronomy?

I don't think it's intellectualism as such, so much as intellectual curiosity. My XP had absolutely zero interest in anything except cars. He was perfectly intelligent, but only had a superficial ability to discuss anything that didn't interest him and because of his lack of curiosity, he couldn't be encouraged to think about anything outside his sphere.

It came as quite a shock to be with someone who would just shrug and say 'dunno' when asked his opinion on something that most people would have a very strong opinion on. He was a very nice and kind man but couldn't see the point in, for example, museums or reading history.

That's so British. You guys have an anti-intellectual streak a mile wide running through your culture.

It shows up on Mn all the time -- those supposedly funny but actually appalling threads about stuff you didn't know until you were well into adulthood that include total ignorance of basic history and geography and biology, the regular threads that take it for granted that the proper way to read books is discreetly, on a Kindle, or donating or passing on each book after reading, in case visibly owning books might make you look as if you were 'showing off'.

The idea that being clever is either a matter of hiding it or 'showing off'. Because that's the worst thing you could do, right? Be unapologetically clever and well-informed? 🙄

There are a few book clubs locally. I haven't had time/the capacity until now to really consider it. I see them suggested a lot on here but I don't really know what to expect of one.

I did join a local astronomy club last year but the meet ups were repeatedly cancelled so I left in the end. They advertised monthly meet ups but in my year of being a member, I think they held two!

I've done a fair bit of reading in the.past on local history, which is fascinating. A local history group would be nice. I'd really like to find one on local folklore. I'll look into that.

Great suggestions, thanks.

I have been a member of a number of groups over the years that have met a creative need (music/dance/performance). Unfortunately, those fell by the wayside for various reasons, which is a shame because I got a lot out of them at the time.

I did join a group over the.weekend that will meet a spiritual/intellectual need so I'm excited about getting started with that.

My partner and I have looked into starting dance classes together. We found a couple but the distance was too great when I was working in my previous role due to the hours I needed to work and I was just too tired at the.end of the day. That's probably something we could revisit.

Not intellectual necessarily but there is a lot to learn! Unfortunately, I have two left feet but hey ho.

A quick Google search suggests there are a few local folklore groups. So time to do some deeper research!

Do you have a local university. @IntellectuallyStarved? The one closest to me has a folklore department that runs regular screenings and lectures open to the public. (Also the art history and history department, schools of Eng Lit, architecture etc. Look them up on Instagram. I've found Instagram very useful as a way of keeping abreast with cultural things happening locally -- start following art galleries, theatres, different university departments, film societies/festivals, accounts dealing with local history, folklore etc.)

I've also gone to some Seed talks locally -- many of their events are also online. Quite a bit of folklore, as well as psychology, neuroscience, literary/cultural history etc.)

https://www.seedtalks.co.uk/tickets

Good idea. I'll take a look!

ETA: I've just had a quick look and there are a few I'd be interested in! Thanks!

“That's so British. You guys have an anti-intellectual streak a mile wide running through your culture.”

People who show off how clever they are come across as arrogant and lack humility.

Given that this is a public and anonymous thread that specifically asks others to share how they themselves meet their own intellectual needs, which necessarily requires people to also share their specific areas of interest for context, and to which there is no obligation to contribute (millions haven't), can you point out where anyone has been arrogant or 'lacked humility'?

Or even been showing off?

Not everyone needs to be part of every conversation or discussion. If you open a thread and it doesn't interest you, you're not required to contribute.

I think book groups can be very variable - some just meet up and chat and have a glass of wine, some actually discuss the book. Then, if the latter, what books do they choose? If it's all crime or romantasy only non-fiction, things you wouldn't usually read, will it suit you? Bookclubs are good because they can get you reading things you wouldn't normally have picked up, and that is a good thing, but if they are always choosing things that aren't to your taste, rather than once or twice a year, then it's probably not the club for you.

But no one clever needs to show off. Cleverness shows, inevitably. As does chippy anti-intellectualism. I mean, if you think someone having visible books in their house is a sign of 'showing off', what does that say about you? Why are you threatened by it? Do you think it's showing you up?

Thank you. That's always been my thought about them.

Someone I know said they read The Housemaid at hers, which isn't the sort of thing I would want to read at all.

“Someone I know said they read The Housemaid at hers, which isn't the sort of thing I would want to read at all.“

Ha! and you say you’re not a snob. Why not consider what that book might contain that appealed to such a wide audience? What makes some fiction successful and others not?

And I am in no way anti-intellectual. I just live in a world where I appreciate the contribution of all.

I did read it afterwards because I've since met a few people who did enjoy it. I thought, why not, maybe I'm missing something and, tbh, I sadly haven't, until recently, often had the time etc to devote nowadays to the type of literature I actually really enjoy.

The story itself was enjoyable enough to while away an evening or two but it was very simplistic in its style and language and the characters were underdeveloped. It was a completely unsatisfying read, if I'm honest.

But I didn't want to say that because I know lots of people did enjoy and do enjoy that style of writing and type of book and my point wasn't to criticise anyone who has enjoyed that book or similar just to say that it isn't for me, which is reasonable.

So I don't need to consider why it appeals to a wide range of people. It's not worthy of that much consoderation, tbh. I'm not one of them so that's all that matters to me. And that's fine.