How do you meet your intellectual needs?

[IntellectuallyStarved]

Just that really.

I think I must have a really high need for intellectual stimulation. It's what keeps me feeling energised and I'm really feeling the lack of it and have been for a few years.

I was with my ex husband for 15 years and I know that our intellectual connection was really the only thing that kept us together. I've never really found that in anyone else. And I know that he hasn't either.

I'm in a relationship with a lovely man whose company I enjoy and have a lot of shared interests with but he doesn't have the interest or the ability to engage on a much higher level. Thats fine and I know no one can tick every box.

Before him, I dated a man who was far more interested in this but it didn't work because he was only really interested in being right and feeling superior to other people, which isn't what I'm interested in either.

My 28yo son and I have an intellectual connection and I know its something he similarly craves so we talk to each other but it still doesn't feel enough.

I have worked for 20 years in a professional career that can be very tiring and involves long hours and a lot of mental activity and hard work but it isn't intellectually stimulating and is becoming increasingly less so. I've recently left that and am moving into a related field which has a much wider scope for challenge. I hope!

I think i need to diversify so that my career is more varied and intellectually stimulating, which I think this move would be. But I don't really know where to start.

It's not that I want to sit around for hours debating world politics or have indepth discussions on 19th century literature. It's more that I need deeper conversations, I suppose. Although, I love listening people talk about topics they are passionate about even if I don't share the passion or have the knowledge in their specialism to engage at their level. Nor is it necessarily about intelligence. I suppose it's a true intellectual curiosity and a desire to explore ideas with someone else that I need.

I have a lot of acquaintances but few close friends because of various life stuff that has happened. I'm also autistic and my two closest friends are too which means we're not always very good at meeting up. I do have deeper conversations with them but they're few and far between.

And maybe it not even someone else I need. Maybe it's a need I should be meeting in myself?

So I'm just hoping there will be others who share this need and who can share what they do - for inspiration.

Thanks.

I'm autistic and really miss intellectual stimulation. I have taught myself A Level History last year and have resorted to You Tube. If you look through a lot of dross there are videos I feel can help me.

I also would be very attracted to someone who can beat me at Scrabble. Where I live I seem to find stupidity everywhere, but maybe that's my brain.

This is me, but with younger children! My job used to be more challengin in terms of finding solutions to problems, but now it's more predictable. There is no career progression on sight, amd I thrive when given either a goal or a challemge. My brain is terribly understimulated.

My partner is smart, but far from intellectual. He has a quick walk through a museum and goes wait in a café whilst I spend hours feasting my eyes. He is very respectful of my interests and has great qualities though.

I used to attend more events/exhibitions etc but it's not as easy now mainly due to childcare and budget. I was doing a PHD (my second) on the side, but I'm thinking about a diploma/another MA to estimulate me, but also to potentially help with my career.

Funnily enough, I find yoga very satisfying - there is an element of control and progress that really resonates with my personality.

Following other suggestions with interest!

You sound like you have quite a lot of people to talk to - your son, and your two closest friends. If that doesn’t seem enough then I think your DH not being on the same intellectual level as you is more of a problem than you think. Some people may be ok with this, but some people just need their partner to be that person for them, no matter how many other people they have to talk to. It sounds like you’re the latter. I am too, and I separated with my partner because of it. I wouldn’t consider myself an intellectual but my previous partner was 10 years younger than me, and although we had lots in common and huge physical attraction, those 10 years of life experience he hadn’t gained yet became a major issue. Even though he was smart in many ways, I felt like he couldn’t emotionally (if that’s the right word), stimulate me because he just hadn’t gained the wisdom and understanding about the world I’d gained in the last 10 years. I realised I was always going to be ahead of him in that department (cos obviously I was always going to be 10 yrs older) so I ended it. It was the right decision. Your partner needs to ‘get’ you, and I think not being able to have a conversation about things you’re passionate about means he’ll never really fully understand you

When I retired I joined a choir which sings classical pieces in 4 (sometimes 8) part harmony. Sight reading new pieces has kept my brain active!

All these intellectuals that have posted here…I’m curious as to what makes you consider yourself an intellectual?…as opposed to just someone who’s interested in history and likes reading? Do you think you can be smart without being intellectual? Isn’t being intellectual more about your interests? I think I’m smart, but someone who considers themself intellectual would probably say I’m not, because I don’t read books, I only know the basics about politics, and I know very little about typical intellectual subjects like art and history. I’m passionate about music though and know a lot about it, I’m good at debating, and I enjoy existential and philosophical conversations with my partner where we wonder about all sorts of things. I’m never going to bust out an obscure quote from a 19th century writer and try to pick it apart though!. Have to say, the intellectual people I’ve met in my life have generally been quite snobby, and considered themselves smarter than everyone else. They also tend to always like to be right. Not saying every intellectual is like this, but there are definitely a fair few about

I just recently did an MSc and I make apps mostly in my spare time. I like trying all the ai 'side hustles' on YouTube. I like learning the processes the best and easily get bored when I've done that, but it's fun all the same and sometimes makes back what I've spent!

Both my DH and I have a grammar school education but I pursued learning and have sought it ever since, and he took a more practical path and now has an intense knowledge of his own area of expertise. We have our own interests, our own beliefs, all very much respected, but do converse intensely on the most random of subjects , even after 35 years together.

I find it incredible that some posters appear to be thinking of their partner in less than respectful terms through the accusation of intellectual weakness. Surely respect, mutual appreciation and the ability to move through life together should be fundamental to a secure relationship.

If you are not getting stimulated in any way, it’s your individual responsibility to seek a solution. Not burden your life partner with doing that for you. If you’re that unhappy, then perhaps seek all elsewhere.

Have you thought about having games nights with partner?

Something to get the brain thinking like Catan?

You could each seek out a new game, could just be a new card game, or chess and improve together.

Buy weekend papers and talk about the articles, do the puzzles.

Intelligence can manifest in many ways, H is a football fan, not fanatically, but has a favourite team, we have many conversations about power, money, corruption, influence about football, he enjoys my point of view is different and there is no ignoring football is worldwide a huge industry (and with it all the philosophies of modern living lie somewhere).

I was updated recently on the latest “rap beefs” via the youngster, it was fascinating.

It’s not all football and rap, we can apply our thinking to (largely dreadful) 19th century poets, or the history of the atom, how the crowds around Van Gogh’s Starry Night directly relate to the mental illness he was suffering when he painted it.

What I am trying to say is something doesn’t have to be “high brow” to be intellectual.

I think the essence of intellectual fulfilment for me applies to the here and now not just reading and learning from books or courses, and that fulfilment can flow from anything really. Most people have enough intellect for deep enough thinking, it’s like anything you start small and expand from there.

Develop an obsession, if you aren’t feeling engaged or challenged that can help, feeding and satisfying a curiosity is probably the most fulfilling thing anyone can do regardless of how intelligent they are and it doesn’t necessarily require other people. Try an area you know nothing about if you want to learn something.

Talk to people you don’t actually agree with, with an open mind. I know some extremely clever people and they often spend a lot of time having conversations with people who agree with whatever they say and it’s not actually an intellectual challenge.

DH is very clever, a lot of the stretch he gets is from sorting out thorny issues at work, he actively likes doing difficult things and solving them, so work is a big one imo.

I do think there’s something to having someone on hand that you can introduce a topic too and get a thoughtful response to pretty immediately. It’s why I chose DH, but no one person can fulfil everything for you and a lot of the things I’m interested in are my personal interests.

Both my husband and I are highly likely audhd. We have a child diagnosed so that process highlighted it to us.
I'd say we match eachother well on intellect. Some different things so a nice ying and yang. What my husband wasnt developed in was emotional intelligence to be able to have deep conversations and curiosity. It was all functionality conversations which for me was ever so boring. Mixed with actually (this surprised me) low confidence to explore new topics.

Whilst a multitude of things led my husband to therapy what emerged from it was a new ability to have deep conversations ! He realised growing up as a boy/man he was only ever socialised to have either functional conversations or it was a argument of right and wrong. Throw in some learnt avoidance from parents he had learnt to shut down once at a point in a conversation. He felt my deep conversations were threatening and a attack on him not a bid for connecting on a deeper level.

So none of this might be relevant to you op at all. But worth a ponder for you or anyone else who may relate.

“Have to say, the intellectual people I’ve met in my life have generally been quite snobby, and considered themselves smarter than everyone else.”

I agree. Some of them are insufferable bores!!

@IntellectuallyStarved though I kind of agree with this "Thats fine and I know no one can tick every box", I think it's OK for you to have non-negotiables in relationships.

My non-negotiables are that they have to be hilarious, have a very high sex drive, and be able to intellectually stimuate me.

A Liberal Arts course might be worth looking at.

Because he has very many good qualities!

I think you've sunmed this up really well.

Especially this part

My partner is smart, but far from intellectual. He has a quick walk through a museum and goes wait in a café whilst I spend hours feasting my eyes. He is very respectful of my interests and has great qualities though.

You clearly have a giant chip on your shoulder.

Yeah, I’m probably an insufferable bore. I spent 17 years studying a subject from undergrad level to PhD and then years teaching and tutoring all levels up to postgraduates. Things like critical thinking, evaluating evidence, identifying and exploring resources etc have become tools I use not only in my professional life, but also in my day-to-day interactions with the world. I know what I do and don’t know, and freely admit it when I’m dealing with something outside my areas of expertise. I seek out and learn from people who are experts in their own field. I know how to assess someone’s level of knowledge and understanding.

The thing that tries my patience is when someone with a very limited level of knowledge and understanding claims a level of competence, expertise and/ or authority about something that they do not possess. It’s the Dunning-Kruger effect, and I have had to learn that people really don’t know what they don’t know, and over-estimate what they do know. I’ve learnt to keep smiling and try not to judge when they tell me I clearly don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s not my job, outside my professional sphere, to teach people, or to help them see the limits of their own knowledge and understanding. People are as they are, and you have to appreciate them for what they are.

My social circle includes people of all levels of education and intelligence, and I accept them all for who they are. But it’s true that those with whom I am closest are those who have a wide range of interests and a genuine understanding of their own limitations. I’m guessing that people who think I’m an intellectual snob don’t choose to socialise with me anyway.

Genuinely sharp and secure people rarely feel the need to announce how smart they are.

Yes, I used to do that, too.

Maybe that's something to think about doing again. Like you say, sight reading keeps your brain working. There are so many great ideas here.

Music used to be such a big part of my life.

I've played in orchestras, gigging bands and sung in choirs over the years. And I arranged a few songs for a former friend's a cappella group at one point. All of which fell by the wayside as work became more demanding.

When I was a teenager, I used to really enjoy realising figured bass lines and scoring them.
I've just lost so much of myself over the years!

I completley agree.

I don't want someone who listens to me and then agrees with me. I think I said earlier that I feel like I'm sometimes delivering a lecture when I talk to my partner.

He listens and agrees with me but thats not a discussion or a debate. I like talking to people I can learn from or who challenge me to think. Or who'll question what I'm saying not just to clarify their understanding but because they have an alternative perspective.

I’m passionate about music though and know a lot about it, I’m good at debating, and I enjoy existential and philosophical conversations with my partner where we wonder about all sorts of things.

You enjoy this because it meets your intellectual needs.

I think I would probably struggle in your situation, although, on the other hand, I'm also the partner who's become a bit dumb! DH and I are both academics, but between work, family life and perimenopause, I honestly feel as though I have very little intellectual energy left.

That said, I think previous posters who questioned what it actually means to be intellectual have a point. Perhaps it's worth reflecting on what exactly you feel is missing. Do you miss exchanging knowledge and facts? Having conversations with people who can articulate ideas in interesting and thought-provoking ways? Or connecting with people who can reflect on their emotional experiences and relate them to something broader?

For example, now that I'm middle-aged (and surrounded by academics at work), I'm much less interested in simply acquiring more knowledge or facts. I get plenty of that through work and the internet. What I really enjoy is listening to people talk thoughtfully and deeply about their experiences, whether at work or in other areas of life, and connecting those experiences to wider social processes. I also increasingly value emotional honesty, perhaps partly because it's something I sometimes struggle with myself.

Of course, that's a very personal definition of what makes a conversation intellectually stimulating. And in a way - finding an outlet will depend on what exactly you feel that you are missing in your relationship.

767786alsk

All of it really.

My profession (or at least in my workplace) has changed over recent years and using your brain is almost frowned upon. They don't want independent thought. They want limitless work horses who will conform without question and follow highly prescriptive approaches.

So I got nothing from that by the end.

I'm moving into a different but related field which will allow for greater thought, problem solving and creativity.

Do you miss exchanging knowledge and facts? Having conversations with people who can articulate ideas in interesting and thought-provoking ways? Or connecting with people who can reflect on their emotional experiences and relate them to something broader?

All of it really at the moment!

Like I said, ive had some good ideas from this thread. I think I'd also become 'a bit dumb' because I had no outlet for it so had just suppressed my needs for it a bit.

It's not that I don't have anything to meet the needs just that what I have currently isn't enough and I really needed other ideas.

I can relate to this :D

I tutor post grad students who are doing their masters or doctorate by research. I also run an online antiques business. That keeps me on my toes as well as bringing in the ££££.

I have a relative who rarely goes out and watches TV all day. That would drive me mental.