How do you meet your intellectual needs?

[IntellectuallyStarved]

Just that really.

I think I must have a really high need for intellectual stimulation. It's what keeps me feeling energised and I'm really feeling the lack of it and have been for a few years.

I was with my ex husband for 15 years and I know that our intellectual connection was really the only thing that kept us together. I've never really found that in anyone else. And I know that he hasn't either.

I'm in a relationship with a lovely man whose company I enjoy and have a lot of shared interests with but he doesn't have the interest or the ability to engage on a much higher level. Thats fine and I know no one can tick every box.

Before him, I dated a man who was far more interested in this but it didn't work because he was only really interested in being right and feeling superior to other people, which isn't what I'm interested in either.

My 28yo son and I have an intellectual connection and I know its something he similarly craves so we talk to each other but it still doesn't feel enough.

I have worked for 20 years in a professional career that can be very tiring and involves long hours and a lot of mental activity and hard work but it isn't intellectually stimulating and is becoming increasingly less so. I've recently left that and am moving into a related field which has a much wider scope for challenge. I hope!

I think i need to diversify so that my career is more varied and intellectually stimulating, which I think this move would be. But I don't really know where to start.

It's not that I want to sit around for hours debating world politics or have indepth discussions on 19th century literature. It's more that I need deeper conversations, I suppose. Although, I love listening people talk about topics they are passionate about even if I don't share the passion or have the knowledge in their specialism to engage at their level. Nor is it necessarily about intelligence. I suppose it's a true intellectual curiosity and a desire to explore ideas with someone else that I need.

I have a lot of acquaintances but few close friends because of various life stuff that has happened. I'm also autistic and my two closest friends are too which means we're not always very good at meeting up. I do have deeper conversations with them but they're few and far between.

And maybe it not even someone else I need. Maybe it's a need I should be meeting in myself?

So I'm just hoping there will be others who share this need and who can share what they do - for inspiration.

Thanks.

I hear you. My DH is not an intellectual. Picture this: is in bed side by side, me reading a Spanish novel in the original, him engrossed in his mountain biking magazine. Previously I was in a relationship with a guy who spoke at least 3 languages and had a big cultural hinterland. However he was untrustworthy, unfaithful and emotionally quite cold. So I accept the deal and find outlets elsewhere. I have a dear cousin whom I meet up with regularly and we have stimulating conversations, discuss books, go to concerts. Same with my best friend. DH and I give each other space to do what we like. But of course, it would be better if we shared a love of books and ideas. One thing I do is to be unapologetic about my choices , I spent too long in the company of philistines to want to water down or hide my tastes . I find it’s quite a British thing to be embarrassed about seeming intelligent or cultured.

I hear you. I read a lot of books, but also my DH has started taking an interest in things like US politics that we can have good conversations about. I get The Economist and The Week and he reads them.

You don’t get everything you need from one partner so as long as he doesn’t belittle you, you can read, listen to Radio 4 and go to literary events yourself or with another friend. It is a bit of a conundrum though. I’m in two book groups which helps.

Could you study something part time? I take a variety of evening classes, it’s great to use my brain in an entirely different manner than in work.

Or find (or start) a suitable book club? One focused specifically on the kind of reading and discussions you are interested in.

Snap but German language book and car magazine!

I'm doing a part time MA to fit alongside full time work, and I have a book club which is just me and a brainy friend. We read a chapter of a book every 2 weeks then meet to summarise and discuss it. Would either of these work for you ?

Could you study something part time? I take a variety of evening classes, it’s great to use my brain in an entirely different manner than in work.

I'm considering doing another Masters degree. Probably through the OU. I haven't had the capacity to until now because of work. Lots of evening and weekend work which didn't leave time for a lot of life's basics let alone anything else! I'm hoping that a change of career will free up some time!

Yes, the part time MA is definitely something I'm considering.

I know I gave literature a mention in my post but its not really specifically about reading or joining a book club.

I like the idea of an informal one with another friend. My son and I do similar and recommend books but its not just reading.

I'm just craving deeper conversations on anything at all!

I’ve just started a new professional qualification. It interweaves nicely with the day job so doesn’t take a huge amount of time, but reflecting on the prescribed reading keeps my mind working quite hard, even when I’m doing other, less intellectually challenging stuff. It doesn’t have to be an MA - mine will achieve chartered status in a year or so, which is a nice thing to have on my CV.

Quick thumbs up for the OU. When I retired I did a BA and an MA with them. If you can afford it, go for it. (There's a certain amount of F2F contact, but I also enjoyed the online forum discussions and interactions with my tutors.)

Also, there's so much else intellectual stuff online. For example, check out the Linnaean Society: https://www.linnean.org/the-society/building-and-collections

They do brilliant (free, live, online) lunchtime lectures which get posted afterwards here: https://www.youtube.com/user/LinneanSociety/videos .

Oh, and these people are good: lifelong-learning.ox.ac.uk/ Maybe try a weekend course F2F?

Good luck!

Yes but the reading is a springboard for the conversations. It’s easier to say “let’s meet to thoroughly discuss this interesting book” than to say “let’s meet to have a stimulating conversation”.

Once you have established your group of people you might find the need to read the book first wanes.

Thanks for those suggestions!

Yes, I got my BSc, masters and a professional qualification at traditional universities but have done a couple of diplomas out of interest through the OU. It's great! I'd highly recommend it to anyone.

Thats a good point!!

Hurrah! Yes, it certainly was when I studied with them. 😁

Met DH at university. I’m bright but he’s far smarter than me. He has a balanced view on most things. He’s opened my eyes to so much.

Oh, and these people are good: lifelong-learning.ox.ac.uk/ Maybe try a weekend course F2F?

Some interesting looking lectures there too.

Yes, I chose DH because he’s as clever as I am, though in a slightly different way. I couldn’t be married to someone who wasn’t. I’m an academic, so colleagues also well-informed and analytical, and my friends are generally clever, in various ways. It’s a large part of what draws me to people, when combined with benevolence and curiosity.

My partner says the same about me, which is nice and I appreciate that he is interested and open to listening/learning but it feels more like I'm delivering a lecture than having a conversation and it lacks depth and stimulation for me.

He does sometimes ask questions but they're more to clarify his own understanding than challenge or contribute to a discussion.

Which would be fine if I just enjoyed the sound of my own voice but I don't.

I envy you!

It's the analytical thinking I miss.

I struggle with this too, thanks for posting OP.

My job doesn’t really challenge my brain in that way, possibly a course would help, and I might look into some of the suggestions on this post.

I don’t have a partner, but looking back, my ex’s haven’t really fulfilled this side of me either.

I couldn’t live with someone who couldn’t beat me at Scrabble. It’s a good bellwether for intellectual capacity!

We are both critical thinkers so I think that helps. We like to question things and both take an interest in current affairs. Him mainly politics whilst my interests are more low brow but he comes to me with his theories and I have to say they’re hard to argue against.

I think we all need someone to bounce our ideas off and get an objective response. A considered response. It doesn’t have to be agreement. Set out your theory and I’ll probably learn something.

DH is very academic, although our discussions these days revolve around extracurriculars logistics and holiday planning. But it's always been important to me that my partner is intellectual.

I've kept an almost on-going cycle of postgrad/undergrad study on the side since I left ft education, in a range of subjects. I started another STEM undergrad degree last month with the OU as it was my last chance to get SLC funding before they switched to Lifelong Learning.

Any specialist book groups near you? My local library does book groups for romance, scfi, poetry and translated works. The local business group as a business book club too.
Also look at some volunteering work. Charity Boards, local government groups, lots of opportunities out there to put an analytical and curious brains to work and discuss things. I love responding to Government Consultations, its becoming a hobby!
Its hard when you are on a different wavelength to your loved ones, so you need to find other outlets for yourself.

Not that I've seen. I'll take a closer look.

I've done quite a bit of volunteering using my particular expertise but I will also look for other opportunities.

Good idea, thanks and I'm glad you get so much from it!