DH has just confessed to going on a date with OW

[Lighthouse35]

Long story short we have been married 5 years and have two little children. DH gave me the script at the start of the year, I felt him pulling away and he rewrote our whole relationship. I had my suspicions but we carried on for months until one Monday he announced he was leaving me. He disappeared that weekend and phone was off.

The Sunday morning he arrived at our home begging to come home. I carried on as normal for the kids sake and we spoke that evening, he told me he had gone out drinking with a mate and regretted leaving us. So months go by and I repeatedly ask him the truth as my gut feeling was telling me something wasn’t right. He stayed on his best behaviour and was adamant his story was the truth until tonight.

A really good job opportunity came up near to where he claimed he went drinking that night. The whole thing was brought up again and he finally confessed that he had met OW at Christmas work do in December, we’re texting on and off until he finally met her on a date in may , the weekend he disappeared. He claims he felt guilt, left her after the date and stayed at a hotel by himself as he’d been drinking. Then came home to us the next morning. He had actually traveled 2 hours to meet her. I just can’t quite believe it. He has mad at me for digging and saying are you happy now? He’s not acted remorseful at all. I just don’t know what my next steps are. I know that no one is perfect, we all mess up but he made me think I was crazy for months. Any advice?

What woman leaves a hotel room because the man can’t get an erection? That’s such a male thing to say.

I really don’t see the point of speaking to the woman, it’s not her that you are in a relationship with. Surely the way he’s speaking to you now gives you all the information you need.

Agreed @WonkyIvy there’s definitely more to it. Something happened. He’s admitted that they were intimate. That’s enough.

What are you hoping she will say that can make you feel differently about this?

I don't think an affair automatically has to mean the end of a relationship but if he can't accept responsibility, then this is dead in the water.

I feel an absolute fool for the last 6 months where I’ve begged him for the truth. More coversations have been had while he’s on lunch break and I’ve stayed firm that he leaves the home and stays somewhere else tonight. He’s slowly starting to stop blaming me and said he felt disgusting and seedy, couldn’t go through with sleeping with her, knew it was all wrong and has now said he will put life 360 on so I can see where he is at all times. What life is that? I don’t want to track someone. He’s panicking and trying to think of ways to rebuild my trust , but how the hell can that happen? He runs to another woman when life gets tough. I don’t understand. Heads saying I need to leave him , hearts saying what about the family.

Heads saying I need to leave him , hearts saying what about the family.

You will be teaching your children that good relationships have boundaries, that accepting crap because "family" is not healthy. Imagine if it were one of your children coming to you with this, what advice would you give them?

He thought that if he turned nasty towards you and blamed you, that you would cave in and shut up about his cheating. Now he's seeing that it hasn't worked, so he's now pretending to be all sorrowful and regretful. I'm sure that he has his good points but this is a man who is a liar and a cheat.

I'm sorry if I missed it, but have to confided in anyone? You could send him on his way while you speak to a friend or family - don't be complicit in covering up his nasty little secret. I posted earlier on that I was in the same boat as you so I do feel a lot of sympathy for you but you have to send him packing.

It isn’t you that’s thrown a spanner in the works, he wasn’t thinking ‘what about the family’ when he told you he was leaving you so that he could drive two hours to meet and fuck a woman he had been carrying on with for five months or when he was having a go at you saying it was all your fault and you made him unhappy and that you drove him to it or when he lied yet again saying she wasn’t at the hotel and then she was nut he did fuck her.

So you have two young kids, life got a bit hard and off he went to find another woman. And then, he blames yo ufor that, lies to you about it, blames you some more and then finally is showing SOME remorse (spoiler -it's not real, it's just fake because his attempts to gaslight and blame you are not landing as usual).

Not much of a catch is he? What happens next time life gets hard? or a pretty woman pays him some attention? or you dare to ask him a question he doesn't lke?

I'm really sorry OP but he's shown you who he is.

Any advice?
Divorce him and take him for what you can, that is what I would be telling myself. ❤️

I’ve told him I want to speak to her to get her side, is that stupid

There's no point. You have no way of knowing whether the person you're are speaking to actually is the woman and you have no way of knowing if they're telling you the truth. There's nothing to be gained. It won't change the situation.

So instead of apologising he got angry and blamed you? I'd fuck him right off. If he doesn't show you love, loyalty and respect, you owe him none in return.

What a wanker. He's feeding you crumbs to keep you sweet, he's realised his chickens have come home to roost, now he's playing mind games with you, to keep you on side. "darling you can check my phone, darling I'll keep life 360 on so you can track me". Missing the barn door point, that if he'd not fucking cheated, in the first place, none of that would be necessary! Let him get angry. I wish you would get angry, OP, it's obvious your mind is all over the place, who can blame you?
However, your family will suffer if you let this go, imo. IF you're prepared to give him a chance, it should be on the strict proviso, that you attend marriage counselling. I sincerely doubt he'll agree to that, given his attitude towards you, thus far. Don't let your children see you walked all over, by this selfish shit heel of a man. It's hard now, by my god, a few months down the line, you'll feel liberated. Xxx

Oh the bargaining - he'll put Life 360 on. And the first time he wants to do something he shouldn't he'll just switch it off and claim bad signal/out of phone battery etc.

My ExH gave me his work Blackberry to help rebuild my trust after his first affair. Then I caught him sending flirty emails to affair partner number two and arranging a meal out with her when he told me he was going out with his (male) boss.

I hate to be so cynical, but I think the first affair is the hardest for them and if you 'accept it' and work on the marriage then there's basically been no downside for them. Which makes the subsequent affairs much easier for them.

If he hadn't left for the second affair partner, I probably would have taken him back again 'for the kids' and been entirely miserable.

Six months after he left, I met my now DP and we've been together for 13 very happy years.

You're worth so much more than him OP

He's a complete scumbag.
And given he's cheated and then made you feel crazy for 6 months, followed by how he has blamed you and told you it was your fault, you drove him to it and he asked you were you happy now I would take everything he's saying about rebuilding your trust with a grain of salt.

We see on here all the time men like this want you to forget about it as soon as possible, he won't give you time to process it, he'll decide you should be over it once he decides, if you have a good day and then something crops up about it again he'll ask why you're ruining the day and why are you bringing this up again when things were fine, he will also make out you're controlling if you're worried about him going drinking or somewhere where he might bump into the OW is.

He's trickle truthing and this is not the whole story.

You're not going to get the truth from the OW. Don't contact her. Your husband is the problem.

Get STI testing. You can't trust a liar with your sexual and reproductive health.

Get your ducks lined up. Copies of financials, get a lawyer consult so you have information what a divorce would look like for you.

Your husband is tricky. He's going to try different ways to get you to rugsweet this and that will make infidelity more likely to happen again since he won't address the root causes. He's tried blaming you, now he's trying a bit of transparency with you tracking him but not full transparency and openness like telling you everything and open phones and starting therapy to see why he was willing to risk his marriage for an affair. He'll turn on the waterworks. Soon it will be how long are you going to make him pay for one mistake.

But remember one thing. This guy is not on your side.

I stayed after my ex husband cheated, lasted another 14 months, the children and I are far happier now, at that point we had being married 18 years, together for 20, you deserve more x

The ED claim is such a classic. It's designed to:

• make it seem more likely that he is finally being honest with you because he is admitting to something 'shameful'.
• make you think that he loves you so much that even though his mind was momentarily weak, his body wouldn't let him betray you.

(I couldn't find the vomit emoji but I wanted to put it here)

Yes, I agree @Ferrissia . My ex made the same claim when he was caught out. I later had a strong reason to believe that it was yet another lie.

My main issues are he planned to meet the woman while we were together, then left me and met her to sleep with her. He keeps saying how depressed he was and how he just had enough of his life. It clearly didn’t work out so he came running back and rather than telling me the truth, made me look a fool for months.
Hes acting impulsive now, it’s sunk in this is real that he’s now at his parents house with his belongings and having to tell them. He’s even just changed his mobile number now to prove to me and he’s downloaded the tracking app and shared it with me. The fact my marriage has come to that I just can’t believe it.

Yes you are right OP.
Meeting up with this woman for sex wasn't an impulsive act. He went through the classic behaviour of a cheater: pulling away from you, rewriting your relationship. He was having an affair with this woman while you were looking after his very young children.
And he has displayed all the classic behaviour of a man caught out in his deception: NOT remorse. Just anger at you. Just lies.
I dont see how your marriage can survive this. Because his main focus is damage limitation for himself..

I can just imagine what self pitying bullshit he's fed his parents. Who have you got, supporting you, through this? Have you confided in anyone, OP?
Seeking relate counselling to try and fix your marriage, would be a far more productive use of his time, rather than changing his number. That smacks of "I can't trust myself not to respond if OW contacts me". He's offering you piecemeal, trying to wheedle back in, whilst has the fucking audacity to say you drove him to it. He's an absolute wanker. He just wants to come back home, be looked after, and not deal with the shit he's put you through for the last 6 months.

Absolutely this.

I’m quoting myself here. I was the first one to comment. And having read your updates, I still think I’m right. More will emerge op. I’m so sorry.

It’s telling that he still only thinks the actual sex act is the line not to cross. Arranging to meet, booking the hotel room, having the date, taking their clothes off and attempting to shag her are apparently all ok 🤷‍♀️

Any advice??

get rid!

Heads saying I need to leave him , hearts saying what about the family.
What family? He's already destroyed it. You can never trust a liar or someone who blames you for their bad choices (look up DARVO, it's a classic abuse move).

Leave the nasty, manipulative PoS. He's not worth a single tear and your child is better off not having him around 24/7.