DH has just confessed to going on a date with OW

[Lighthouse35]

Long story short we have been married 5 years and have two little children. DH gave me the script at the start of the year, I felt him pulling away and he rewrote our whole relationship. I had my suspicions but we carried on for months until one Monday he announced he was leaving me. He disappeared that weekend and phone was off.

The Sunday morning he arrived at our home begging to come home. I carried on as normal for the kids sake and we spoke that evening, he told me he had gone out drinking with a mate and regretted leaving us. So months go by and I repeatedly ask him the truth as my gut feeling was telling me something wasn’t right. He stayed on his best behaviour and was adamant his story was the truth until tonight.

A really good job opportunity came up near to where he claimed he went drinking that night. The whole thing was brought up again and he finally confessed that he had met OW at Christmas work do in December, we’re texting on and off until he finally met her on a date in may , the weekend he disappeared. He claims he felt guilt, left her after the date and stayed at a hotel by himself as he’d been drinking. Then came home to us the next morning. He had actually traveled 2 hours to meet her. I just can’t quite believe it. He has mad at me for digging and saying are you happy now? He’s not acted remorseful at all. I just don’t know what my next steps are. I know that no one is perfect, we all mess up but he made me think I was crazy for months. Any advice?

@Wildfairy - i understand that is how OP is using the word. But this was way beyond merely “a mistake”. A mistake is buying tea instead of coffee or forgetting to get milk on the way home. It’s playing the wrong note on an instrument. A mistake might, at a push, be very drunkenly kissing someone else on a night out then immediately walking away. This was extended and intentional. Calling it a mistake is to massively downplay what he actually did. It’s way beyond being simply a mistake.

You said it yourself: he's not remorseful about what he has done and what his behaviour has done to you. And you now know that he's a serial liar who found it acceptable to lie to you to the extent that you began to doubt your own experience, causing you harm despite the fact that he is supposed to love you and care about your well-being. The basic building blocks for restoring a relationship after an affair simply aren't there, because he is not even willing to try to do the work to stop cheating and restore trust. The most likely remaining options are to stay together in a kind of business arrangement "marriage" or housemate/coparenting situation and teach yourself not to care about his romantic/sexual life, or to split up and figure out how to divide assets, manage living arrangements, and split custody of the children.

lol..you don't need advice. But if you want to continue being a doormat, just continue..

Any advice? Err, see a lawyer. Find your anger and ditch this lying, cheating gas-lighting twat. Stayed in the hotel on his own? He is insulting you by thinking you are stupid enough to believe this. Jeez.

This is excellent advice.

@Lighthouse35 I almost never say it, but please LTB. You and your children deserve so much better.

Right. He left you before he’d even met her a second time? There are a million ways he could’ve managed to get away for a night without raising suspicion.

It all went wrong for whatever reason and he come crawling back expecting you to be grateful.

Urgh.

Sorry you’re going through this @Lighthouse35 .

I think he did stay in the hotel room by himself because the OW once meeting him in person sober after the Christmas do excitement had faded binned him off…
He then realised that actually he wasn’t some Gods gift to women and better get home sharpish so that he could carry on his nice life.
He didn’t go all that way and realise he had made an awful mistake, it didn’t pan out how he wanted to be slunk home.
You will never be able to trust another thing that comes out of his mouth and he’s not even sorry, he’s blaming you for snooping!
If you can manage without him then I would get rid, if you have/want to stay with him for now I wouldn’t be having sex without condoms if you want to be intimate and making steps to be able to not need his input because sadly I think he’ll do it again.

No remorse = big problem.

He’ll do it again

I can't say if this is the first time he has done this but I can say with complete confidence that it won't be the last. Somehow he will always make it your fault. You have to decide, is this how you want to live.

What are you staying married for honestly.. and you have kids. This is a terrible example to set to his/your kids. You should get rid of him!!!

HE is getting angry and saying are you happy now? What an absolute nasty piece of work. Find your own anger. "No, im not happy now you cheating piece of shit. I dont believe your pathetic story about being alone in a hotel for a second. Get your stuff and get the fuck out of the house" That would be my response and a lot more besides.

So he was mad at you for finding out the truth? He's not a guy you can trust anyway, he thinks as long as the wife doesn't know, then it's fine and that you ruined that script by digging..

Your kids are small though and being a single mom of 2 small kids is no joke. Is he supportive of the family otherwise? If so, maybe you should put on your practical hat and just manage the situation for now. You could be making your own plans and just observe his behaviour without comment.

You could sleep in separate rooms, if that works out, it may not either and leave down the emotional hat for now. Keep going with the kids and plan your next steps. It will make a big difference having everything in order so you can leave smoothly.

And disengage with him emotionally/argument wise except what you have to. Observing will tell you more too. And find someone to talk to too and get it all off your chest. You need a breather/support for yourself during this. Sorry this is happening

I suspect the reason he came running back is that he thought he'd lined up his next relationship and she backed out.

I'm so sorry OP, it's not easy to end a marriage when you've got young kids but you must be feeling like you'll never trust him again. The lying, deception and gaslighting you is next level and he's not even remorseful and trying to blame you for wanting to know the truth!

If I were you, I'd be getting your ducks in a row and seeking legal advice. You deserve so much better than him.

Thank you it’s just confirmed how I feel. He slept on sofa and took some belongings with him this morning to work. He’s rang me multiple times
on his commute, not to apologise, just still mad at me. Saying that I had drove him to do it, I made him unhappy at the time as we were arguing a lot. We had just celebrated our 1 year olds birthday, life was stressful and busy but I never even thought about another woman. I know this isn’t about me, it’s all about him as a person. He’s blaming me and that’s hurting me even further. More has come out, he’s told me he did go to the hotel with her, but couldn’t “perform” and told her he couldn’t go through with it so she left. He slept there alone. I’ve told him I want to speak to her to get her side, is that stupid?

Dump him. You do not gain anything from having this man in your life.

HE CHOSE to have an affair over 5 months and now he is angry at you ? He spent the night with her and she binned him so he came crawling back to you. Like hell would i put up with that. Get rid, you and your children deserve so much better.

I’m so sorry, he’s an arsehole. It’s not stupid to want to know the truth, and what you do know already is that you can never trust him again. Maybe think on it a bit, and prepare for the idea she may not want to talk to you.

I feel like you have all of the information you need in terms of what to do in your relationship. But I understand how not knowing has its own difficulties.

Yes it is stupid, of course he shagged her. You’re not likely got get anything out of her.

He is drip drip dripping the script. How predictable he is.

No, I wouldn’t bother speaking to her. Just make plans to separate.

You know the other side, don't waste your time asking her.

Whether or not he could get an erection is neither here nor there. He had that intention, lied to you and his erectile dysfunction makes no difference to the situation.

It is so pathetic that he appears to be thinking his ED should be a "get out of jail free" card.

What a limp dick loser.

Cut your losses (not much to cut it seems) and move on to bigger, better things

The fact here is whether he slept with her or not, (which I think he did) he still was messaging her, he still booked the hotel and he still met up with her to sleep with her, that says a lot. He was prepared to cheat on you and his disgusting excuses he has given you is the nail in the coffin. I don’t understand how this has been turned on you and how you have made him angry when he had every intention to have an affair and cheat on you and even went through with it by booking the hotel etc. Some of these men I read about literally blow my mind 🤯 the audacity of his attitude about this too is just unbelievable.

I don't understand what you'd get out of speaking to her - the information he's given you is bad enough!

So your H tried his absolute best to cheat on you.

He flirted for months, set a date, booked a hotel. Enjoyed the date, took the woman back to his hotel, kissed her, touched her naked body, possibly had oral sex with her, spent the night with her. But because his dick didn’t get hard, he’s claiming that’s not cheating??

BS.
A) he probably did fuck her, he lied about everything else, why not that?
B) there is waaaaay more to cheating than an erect penis going into a vagina. This man has gaslit you for months, made you feel like you are going made. Messed with your mental health, potentially your physical health (have you had an STD test btw?)

Dump him and tell everyone that he’s a failure, a failure at marriage, a failure at monogamy, a failure in the bedroom and a failure at lying and cheating.

Even putting everything else to the side, why would you want to be with anyone so useless and angry?

It's up to you what you do, OP. People do overcome infidelity. I have a friend whose marriage survived her year long affair!

You would probably benefit from some time and space to breathe. I wouldn't rush into anything. I would disengage from your husband for a while and take time for yourself.

Don't believe anything he says about the reasons for it. He has to justify what he did in his mind. This is why people who have cheated behave the way they do, ('The Script'); they are cornered by bad behaviour that they need to make sense of. Do not listen to anyone who tells you 'once a cheater, always a cheater'; it's simply not true.

I wouldn't waste your time speaking to the OW, I would spend that time doing things that make you feel good.

If you and your husband love one another and want the marriage to work, you can do that.

Whatever you decide, all the best!