DH has just confessed to going on a date with OW

[Lighthouse35]

Long story short we have been married 5 years and have two little children. DH gave me the script at the start of the year, I felt him pulling away and he rewrote our whole relationship. I had my suspicions but we carried on for months until one Monday he announced he was leaving me. He disappeared that weekend and phone was off.

The Sunday morning he arrived at our home begging to come home. I carried on as normal for the kids sake and we spoke that evening, he told me he had gone out drinking with a mate and regretted leaving us. So months go by and I repeatedly ask him the truth as my gut feeling was telling me something wasn’t right. He stayed on his best behaviour and was adamant his story was the truth until tonight.

A really good job opportunity came up near to where he claimed he went drinking that night. The whole thing was brought up again and he finally confessed that he had met OW at Christmas work do in December, we’re texting on and off until he finally met her on a date in may , the weekend he disappeared. He claims he felt guilt, left her after the date and stayed at a hotel by himself as he’d been drinking. Then came home to us the next morning. He had actually traveled 2 hours to meet her. I just can’t quite believe it. He has mad at me for digging and saying are you happy now? He’s not acted remorseful at all. I just don’t know what my next steps are. I know that no one is perfect, we all mess up but he made me think I was crazy for months. Any advice?

Id be concerned about the 'you drove me to do it' bit as well. Sounds like he wants compliance. ...That because you were behaving like that, that's what he did so you need to be more careful again..

He's been having an affair and now she's probably dumped him, I agree with PP.

I know how you feel because exactly the same happened to me a long time ago, OP, it was just as I was giving birth to our third child. Men like this do not improve. It took me years to get rid of him but I did it in the end. I'm so sorry, I still remember the pain. Start making plans and see a solicitor.

What would speaking to her actually achieve?

He lied when he left and didn't give you the real reason why.

He lied when he didn't tell you about it when he moved back in.

He lied when he told you he didn't go to a hotel with her (you know that for certain now).

And even if you believe his latest story (no-one would, of course it's another lie), he was naked in bed with a naked woman and couldn't maintain an erection, otherwise he would have had sex with her.

Speaking to the woman involved won't change anything. If she confirmed he did have sex with her, is that really any worse than what you know has already happened; the lies and being in a hotel bed with someone other than his wife?

Oh and he 100% did sleep with her, that's why he's DARVOing you. He'd have no reason to be angry with you if he had nothing to hide. His back's against the wall....

Who cares what she says?

He's a cheater, he's lied to you, for months

Now he's trying to get away with telling you as little as possible

He thinks telling you he has ED is less bad than the truth! Christ alive.

He's not sorry. He will do it again as soon as he can find a willing victim

Get rid.

This poor excuse of a man will always make you sad and unhappy - do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?
Also he will probably get worse in his attitude and treatment of you.
You’re young enough to begin again and be happy, you deserve better.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Your husband is drip feeding you information. My own ExH did the same thing about his first affair. Originally they only went out for a drink, then it was drink and a kiss, then the hotel got mentioned - but like your husband - he 'couldn't perform'. Turns out they did sleep together.

He's angry with you because you're making him feel bad. He's blaming you because otherwise he'd be the bad guy and he can't have that.

I wish I'd dumped my husband after the first affair. By taking him back I think I was showing him what I would tolerate. Ten months later he left for the second affair partner. Best thing that happened to me.

Op there’s no guarantee the OW will tell you the truth.

OP, I wouldn’t waste your time speaking to her. It’ll only upset you. She’s not obligated to tell you anything, so you shouldn’t trust anything she says. I would focus that time on being with your children or a solicitor.

Don’t even entertain feeling to blame, this man’s brain is in his pants - he prioritised that over everything - that’s on him.

He shagged someone else (or at least tried to shag some one else) gaslit you about it for months and is now being an angry abusive cunt about it and blaming you.

There is no coming back from this, he is not even sorry, he wants YOU to be sorry for forcing him to put his dick in another women because you had his baby and were stressed. Bastard fucking twat!

Please get your ducks in a row. Can you afford to seperate? I would maybe get some legal advice on the down low until you have an idea of a plan. You could play along with making it sound like you would consider continuing the relationship to give yourself some time to get shit sorted, try to get hold of finacial records if you can and make sure uou have access to your own money that he can't empty. Xx sending massive hugs.

So, he's unfaithful and it's your fault. That's what he's saying? You need to get angry, OP and call your family and friends and help you get out of this situation, as it isn't going to improve.

His confession is not even a proper confession, though it is true the OW doesn't want to have anything to do with him after their one night stand.

He left you for her and she dumped him because she wasn't planning a future with such a loser, would be my guess. I wouldn't phone her. I would tell him it's over and he can find somewhere else to live while you divorce him.

You don't have to put up with his shit.

This. He's a pathetic liar and a cheat. Good job you found out who he is after 5 years. Bin him off.

Tell him to Go Fuck Himself

You're not his doormat. So don't act like one, please. He should be fighting to keep you, instead he's berating you.

That's not love and it's not respectful.

What on earth is there to salvage other than your self respect and worth?

Sounds like OW got cold feet or didn't want to be promoted into your position, so he ran back to you. You know that you can't trust him, you also know that he had sex with her. Nobody is perfect, you're right, and everyone does make mistakes but those mistakes don't usually involve lying and cheating on your wife.

Your husband hasn't told you the truth, and is continuing to not tell you the truth. He's giving you a narrative that suits his purpose, with the story coming out in dribs and drabs. Even then, my guess is that it still won't be the full truth.

If course he's blaming you, it's far easier for him to blame you, than accept responsibility for his own dire behaviour. No one put a gun to his head and forced this woman onto him. He made choices, he just doesn't want to be accountable for those choices.

Honestly, OP, your marriage is over. Your husband isn't willing to be completely truthful, there's not a glimmer of him being remorseful or wanting to salvage the marriage. Instead he's casting blame in your direction, angry and resentful of the fact you now know.

As for speaking to the OW, what's that going to achieve? He'll just tell her what to say to you...and that's assuming she's even willing to speak to you. Did she go willingly into the bed of a married man? Or did your husband spin her a line, and made her believe he was single/divorced/separated? Is she married? I don't think you'll get to the truth by speaking to the OW.

You need to gather as much financial information as you can and make an appointment to see a solicitor. What is your housing situation like? Renting? Mortgage? Do you work? You need to start thinking with a practical head. Your husband is no longer on your team, he doesn't have your interests at heart, let alone best ones. You need to tell someone in real life, so that you have some emotional support. Don't cover up for his behaviour, you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Sorry OP. I am not sure if I could forgive infidelity or not. But it's much much harder to when -

• someone is lying to you. At this point, what does it matter if he could or couldn't perform, if he messaged someone for months and met them with the intent of sleeping with them (btw he will be frantically messaging the OW now to get her story straight). He lied to you for months and months about this and is only telling you the truth by degrees
• someone betrayed you when you were at your most vulnerable
• crucially the other person doesn't acknowledge their part in the issue, and aren't putting any steps in place to work on this for the future

How fucking dare he blame you for everything. When you have a young baby, life is difficult for a while and relationships take a back seat as (both) parents should be pouring all their energy into the baby. So he was upset that all the attention wasn't on him, boo fuckimg hoo. What did he do to try and sort the situation. Did he try and get you some more help so you had some free time? Did he speak to you about his concerns? Did he suggest date nights or counselling to try and get your relationship back on track? Did he get therapy to try and come to terms with the change in his life? What rational person thinks 'oh I know, I'll shag a random, that will improve things with my wife and children'?

He lied to you. Repeatedly.

Maybe he’s telling the truth now. Maybe not. It doesn’t matter. Either way, he was intimate with another woman. Planned. It didn’t turn out the way he thought so he ran back to you.

You and the dc are the back up plan. I’m sorry to be so harsh.

He was willing to throw away everything you have for a shag in a hotel room. And now he expects you to be grateful he came back and shut up about it.

The marriage is dead. You can carry on, limping towards the bitter end. Or be decisive and end it now.

I would suggest the MN classic “get your ducks in a row”.

Ah love you know what happened. I’m so sorry.

Why would you need to speak to her? This man has lied, cheated, and gaslit you, OP for months. He's now pissed off because you've found him out, and the cheeky shit is blaming you?
Why put yourself, through the indignity of speaking to the OW, she wasn't the one who shit all over your marriage vows, although she knew he was married, so she's still a c*nt for going there, imo.
OP I know you are all over the place. Please, please take it from someone, who has experienced an almost identical scenario 8 years ago. Do NOT let this selfish, cheating, shit heel of a man, mess with your head and denigrate your self esteem, any further. If he gets away with this, he'll keep cheating. You, and your children, deserve so much more. Sending love x💐

This. All of this.

That's awful, I'm so sorry OP. The whole situation would be really hard to get past. Take some time to process it all before deciding what you want to do

Same happened to me. Twat shagged another woman on the day my whole world fell apart. She took great pleasure telling me 2 months later. He dumped her because he needed me to look after him after quite a serious accident. Less than a year later, after I'd thought we'd patched things up, he cheated with another woman, lied, blamed me for pushing and pushing because I knew things weren't right. Best thing ever when we did split.

DARVO

@Lighthouse35 "I’ve told him I want to speak to her to get her side, is that stupid?"

Yes my lovely, it is. You don't need her side, do you. Your DH slept with another woman and it probably wasn't just this once. The more angry they are, the more they've got to hide. I know, same happened to me. He's lying through his teeth and treating you like a fool. Nothing the OW says will ever alter that.