TW DW Is this a genuine apology from a husband to his wife, or is he mainly talking about himself?

[Quitebulesky27]

Two days ago, my husband physically hurt my jaw during an argument. I already suffer from chronic TMJ problems. He pushed me onto the floor and forcefully pressed my lower jaw backward with both hands. I heard a cracking sound, experienced severe pain, and struggled to move my jaw normally for hours.
While I was crying and struggling to speak because of the pain, he repeatedly shouted that I was faking.
Our daughter became frightened and tried to pull me away to safety. Because moving was hurting my jaw, I eventually managed to shout, “STOP!”
The moment I managed to speak, my husband started laughing, jumping up and down, and shouting, “See! You’re faking! Look, she’s faking!” He even called our daughter’s attention to it.
We didn’t speak afterward. The following day, he sent me this message.
This is his exact message:
“I was wrong about that. Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did.
I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less.
And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrong
Because the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale.
I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.”
I would genuinely appreciate independent, honest opinions.
When you read his message, do you see a sincere apology?
Does it demonstrate empathy and accountability toward his wife, or does it seem primarily focused on his own feelings?
What do you think about the fact that he doesn’t mention mocking me or accusing me of faking in front of our daughter?
I’m not looking for people to automatically agree with me. I want honest opinions about what this message communicates and what it leaves out.

His apology is not genuine, it is all about him, not about you.

Copy the message to a trusted friend for safekeeping - in case he deletes it from your phone.

Can you drink, talk and eat normally? - it sounds like you will have an injury. If you are examined by your GP / Minor Injuries Unit or dentist - you have to mention the forced trauma and assault - and it needs to be documented for your sake. Don’t understate the cause or use the word accident.

No his message is not genuine remorse. He has violently attacked you and realised he could be imprisoned for this and is trying to put himself
in a better position. Please report him to the police, call Women’s Aid and go to A&E to have your injuries checked. Also make an urgent GP appointment on Monday morning. My GP took the domestic abuse I experienced very seriously and i don’t think it was as serious as yours. She was very helpful and supportive - to the extent that she saw me on another occasion when she didn’t have any appointments but she was
doing paperwork and said she would see me immediately when she heard it was about my domestic abuse.

his message is pathetic, the fact it's a text message and not a face to face apology is appalling. he might be sorry, and he might be sorry the next time and the time after that...

The message calls his actions an accident, which they were not. I'm sure he 'sincerely' believes some self-protecting tale about not meaning to cause so much pain, or not having actually planned to attack you before it actually happened.
But the only kind of sincerity that would even begin to help in this situation would be if he interrogated this self-protecting belief and accepted the fact that he is a violent abuser.

I'm only focussing on the message because that is what you asked from us, @Quitebulesky27 . The attack you described was awful and I think that you should leave him.

No, it isn't a genuine apology. He is covering his arse by mentioning he hurt you with words, not that he physically hurt you, which he obviously did.

I assume he thinks either you or your daughter are going to report him. Which you 100% should. He deliberately hurt you (particularly somewhere he knows you already have issues with) then took great delight in laughing at you in front of your poor daughter.

He is a dangerous man and you need to contact the police and get him out or leave.

His message was all poor me and an attempt to get ahead of what you do next. He cares not one bit about you.

Am so sorry, I hope you and your daughter are both OK. He needs to go.

Yes to me looks like an apology..yes he will do it again and yes he might be sorry again..I have no idea why you are asking this question rather than getting to safety and happiness elsewhere

No that’s not sincere, he’s an abusive vile cunt and you need to start making plans to free yourself of him. Police and woman’s aid mainly woman’s aid will help. Is this his first assault on you?

This man, your husband, the man who should love, and protect you, deliberately hurt you, to exert his dominance over you, then calls it "an accident". He's exacerbated an injury, he knew about. Just take a step away, and re read your original post, please, OP. This, is abuse. The apology, is not genuine. This will happen, over and over again. Please, please, speak to someone, either a trusted family member or a friend, or a DV charity, to start making preparations for you, and your child, to leave, safely. Forgot to mention, report this, to the police. Today.

In answer to your question no, that's not a genuine apology. He's trying to justify what he did. However you are focusing on the wrong thing. Whether he apologised or not doesn't matter. He shouldn't have been violent towards you in the first place. I'm not sure why your focus is his apology. Your focus needs to be to remove yourself from his violence. And your daughter too.

Doesn’t matter if what he wrote could be construed as genuine empathy or apology. The fact is that I was horrified by what I read in the first sentence of your post and my advice to you would be to get out NOW. Involving your 19 year old daughter in his tricks speaks volumes too. You’re not safe currently and it sounds like you’re in denial about how dangerous he is. In answer to your question - no he has shown no empathy, remorse, apology or anything that you can cling to to convince yourself that he’s a good man underneath it all and is probably just stressed. Would he have done the same and sent the same text to a work colleague or one of his mates (if he made it out alive)? If your answer is no then you know what to do and what many on this thread are suggesting strongly that you do.

He doesn’t actually say sorry in his message.
It’s very self absorbed and doesn’t come across as genuine,

It’s not a symptom of a healthy relationship to be injured by your partner in the way you describe. I hope you find safety from this man, DV always starts somewhere.

Excellent advice

NO, @Quitebulesky27 , it is NOT a genuine apology. You live with a violent man who probably dislocated your jaw and should be arrested and charged.

You do not push someone's jaw back until it cracks. There is never a need to push anyone's face in that way. He did not check that you were hurt. He insisted you were not, despite an adult bystander's fear that you obviously were. His message is not an apology, he is arse covering now. Go to a hospital, get your jaw x-rayed and tell the hospital how it happened.

I don’t suppose you’re still reading but the thing is, a man who will hurt you like this is not going to make a genuine apology with your feelings in mind. Their ‘apologies’ are to deny what happened, gaslight you and justify the situation to themselves. Someone who loves you should not do this. He doesn’t love you. He is dangerous. You are asking the wrong questions. you need to leave.

the message doesn’t matter although yes you’re right, he manages to make it all about him.

You can’t stay with a man who attacks and injures you, mocks you and accuses you of faking pain.

All in front of your child, she will likely be traumatised by this.

Get yourself and your child somewhere safe

To be clear, this is what’s happening to you.

The message does not admit he did something terrible for which he is ashamed and remorseful and trying to reassure you that he will ensure you are safe from such actions in the future. Instead he is denying it by calling it an accident and then talking about his wants not your needs.

What he did, and his lack of acknowledgement of his actions, means you (and probably also your daughter) are likely to be on edge around him — specifically when he is not being agreed with/obeyed/pandered to. That is no way to live or encourage your daughter to live.

His message does not say his denial of your pain and his glee were appalling and he is shocked by his own behaviour and understands that you need to be sure of your own safety and support system so you and your daughter do not suffer daily effects from whatever was going on with him at that time.

I guess the key is whether or not you want to be part of whatever route he now has to take to address his issues/with you. If you let him stay will he take any steps? If you make him leave, will he take any steps?

I hope you and your daughter can ensure you don’t lose sight of what he did and how he behaved and act accordingly. You’re at the point many women get and choose the short-term easy option of minimising what he did and maximising belief in his declarations — which usually lead to serious long term problems.

I really hope you and your daughter can ensure you live a life free of fear or coercion from this — or any — partner/parent.

Also, what would you say to your daughter if someone did this to her?

Get away from this brute NOW....

He sounds deranged. He could kill you next time.

I would be horrified if you were one of my friends and you were in this relationship.

Never mind the text, this man is highly dangerous and you need to get away.

im so sorry your husband was violent abusive and assaulted you and thta he is now gaslighting you by saying it was an accident and he is sorry.
His apology is about minimising the consequences of what he did to you for himself.
I think you are asking for opinions because you know deep down it is not a genuine apology.
If a man did this to a your 19 yr old DD what would your advice be to her?

By asking if your DH’s apology is real, you’re already on the road to excusing him. Of course he wants to look good - that’s the script.

Look at what he did. To you and in front of your daughter.

There is no excuse for it. None.

Go to the police.

How you now OP. I hope you’re still reading even if too overwhelmed to post.

you’ve had 5 pages of people telling you to get out before it escalates more.

what has he done in the past? This is not a first time abusive act, this in itself is an escalation.

is he genuinely sorry, No but it doesn’t matter either way, it won’t stop it happening again.

getting out is hard, the first thing you have to do is work on your own headspace to understand the danger you are in.

You are genuinely focusing on the wrong thing. You do need to go to a&e now before it gets too busy with Sunday sports injuries and tell them the truth.

Anyone with empathy would not physically abuse somebody by pushing their jaw to the floor and then mocking them afterwards. Who cares what his message says, it doesn’t sound empathetic, remorseful or like he’s taking accountability but even if it did actions speak louder than words. It doesn’t matter what he says now after the event, the reality is he was physically abusive, he didn’t feel or act on any of those things at the time and the likelihood is he physically hurt you again if you don’t leave him.

He has crossed a line and the fact he did it in front of your 19 year old is awful. What would you say if she had a partner do this to her, would you be agonising with her over whether he was remorseful? I hope not, I hope you would tell her go get away immediately and you should be doing the same. I’m sorry you’re in this situation but don’t teach your DD to tolerate the same, if you can’t leave for your own sake leave for hers.