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TW DW Is this a genuine apology from a husband to his wife, or is he mainly talking about himself?

346 replies

Quitebulesky27 · 01/11/2026 05:05

Two days ago, my husband physically hurt my jaw during an argument. I already suffer from chronic TMJ problems. He pushed me onto the floor and forcefully pressed my lower jaw backward with both hands. I heard a cracking sound, experienced severe pain, and struggled to move my jaw normally for hours.
While I was crying and struggling to speak because of the pain, he repeatedly shouted that I was faking.
Our daughter became frightened and tried to pull me away to safety. Because moving was hurting my jaw, I eventually managed to shout, “STOP!”
The moment I managed to speak, my husband started laughing, jumping up and down, and shouting, “See! You’re faking! Look, she’s faking!” He even called our daughter’s attention to it.
We didn’t speak afterward. The following day, he sent me this message.
This is his exact message:
“I was wrong about that. Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did.
I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less.
And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrong
Because the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale.
I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.”
I would genuinely appreciate independent, honest opinions.
When you read his message, do you see a sincere apology?
Does it demonstrate empathy and accountability toward his wife, or does it seem primarily focused on his own feelings?
What do you think about the fact that he doesn’t mention mocking me or accusing me of faking in front of our daughter?
I’m not looking for people to automatically agree with me. I want honest opinions about what this message communicates and what it leaves out.

OP posts:
Baldrapunzel · 01/11/2026 06:43

OP, kindly and to answer your question, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Just get away from this violent, abusive, misogynistic thug, and protect your daughter.

TeaCupTinsel · 01/11/2026 06:44

No, it's not genuinely remorseful.

“I was wrong about that. Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did.I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less.And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrongBecause the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale.I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.”

It centres around 'I', 'I was, I wish, I didn't mean, I am, if I said, inside of me, I swear, I never'
He calls it an 'accident' except it reminded me of the musical Chicago's 'Cell Block Tango 'He ran into my knife ten times'. How does someone forcefully push your jaw with both hands 'accidentally'?
The whole thing smacks of him giving himself an alibi and proving it was an accident. He doesn't care for your wellbeing.

He then has a pity party for himself talking about being 'drained of strength' (well, he clearly wasn't when he was shoving you onto the floor and shoving your jaw with both hands), 'consumed by despair' centres himself into the one who is wounded and upset and reframes him as the victim. The 'low morale' is almost justifying his actions, making it seem like he is in a bad place and he has issues with his mood and mental health.
The last declarative is just hyperbolic and ridiculous 'I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.' Is he even religious? Was he thinking of divine punishment and 'God' when he was actively hurting you and abusing you in front of your daughter? He was the 'source of your pain', he IS the 'source of your pain'. It's such utter self serving bollocks but I think you know that.

This man is abusive and dangerous. He's a danger to you and your daughter. One day, he might snap and you aren't around...your daughter might be instead.

You need to report him to the police and leave him. Your daughter may be 19 but she is still witnessing domestic abuse and that causes immense damage.

I really really hope you have the courage and strength to leave him.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 01/11/2026 06:45

He’s sent that message so that if you take any action against him he can show it to whoever and say ‘it was an accident and I was sorry.’

It wasn’t an accident. He didn’t bump into you. He held you down on the floor and hurt your jaw specifically because he knew it was would cause you the most pain possible. For God’s sake leave him.

OneNewLeader · 01/11/2026 06:46

The fact it’s a text suggests it’s performative.
You need to leave this violent relationship. If this is the first incident, and this is his ‘apology’, it won’t be the last.

He decided to push you, violence is always a choice. You seem focused on the wrong thing here.

powershowerforanhour · 01/11/2026 06:49

Sounds like the barely coherent ramblings of a dangerous madman to me, with just enough low cunning to pretend it was an accident. If anyone is faking, it's him.
Toaster analogy upthread is accurate.

Phoenix1Arisen · 01/11/2026 06:50

I hope your daughter goes to the Police in her own right, with or without your knowledge or consent!

JLou08 · 01/11/2026 06:52

No, it's not sincere, he's saying it was an accident. That was no accident.
Even if it was the most sincere apology and he felt awful it wouldn't be enough.
He has caused trauma to your child as well as hurting you. It is so, so unforgivable. You need to report him to the police and keep him away from you and your child. He is a dangerous man.

Isitmyluckyday · 01/11/2026 06:53

powershowerforanhour · 01/11/2026 06:49

Sounds like the barely coherent ramblings of a dangerous madman to me, with just enough low cunning to pretend it was an accident. If anyone is faking, it's him.
Toaster analogy upthread is accurate.

Succinctly put.

disturbia · 01/11/2026 06:55

Quitebulesky27 · 01/11/2026 05:22

I appreciate your concern and thank you for responding. I understand why you feel that way. What I’m hoping for is an honest opinion about his message. Do his words show genuine remorse and empathy, or do they focus on his feelings? I’d appreciate your thoughts on what he acknowledges and what he leaves out I wanted to add my daughter is 19

His message is not genuine don't fall for it he realises he could be arrested and charged, bailed away from your address, you could obtain a non-molestation order etc so he is sending you this message to avoid all this. It is typical domestic abuse behaviour to be violent then appear to be very sorry.

waitingforlifeonmars · 01/11/2026 06:56

He hasn’t acknowledged exactly what he did. He is minimising it. He is focussed on how he feels - ie trying to gain sympathy from you for his feelings which could also be interpreted as blaming you for making him do it and making him feel bad. He does not seem upset or care how it has affected you. It’s not an apology it’s an attempt to make you feel sorry for whatever he feels you did that resulted in him being violent with you.
Report it to the police as dv - start the record with them now. This will get do much worse for you. Please leave him.

Starlight7080 · 01/11/2026 06:56

No remorse. Just a man attempting to cover his tracks and hope you dont escalated the situation and report him to the police or leave him.
He obviously knows he can control you by sending a weak msg pretending he regrets it. I suspect this is not the first time he has hurt you.
You should leave and get your child therapy in the hopes she doesnt think this is normal behaviour in a relationship. And inturn put up with an abusive relationship herself. It doesnt matter that she is 19.

Floristian · 01/11/2026 06:58

What really bothers me (as a survivor of DV) is that you're so focused on the wording of a message. It doesn't matter what the words says, it doesn't matter whether it's genuine, which of course it isn't. He's done such a job on you that you are looking for the apology (because then his behaviour can be excused) rather than at his appalling violence.

I'm not going to comment on his actual words, they are irrelevant. My XH wrote a long letter of apology, I screwed it up, put it in the bin and carried on with police action against him. I'm no superwoman, it wasn't the first time he'd assaulted me and I know his these men manipulate. But my god I'm so glad I did that time, we deserve so much better.

You need to get help to leave. This is no life for you, nor your daughter. Speak to Women's Aid today. Please.

Wadsworthy · 01/11/2026 06:58

Of course it’s not a genuine apology.

Remorse is not an apology.

He’s trying to set up evidence to try to demonstrate he’s not actually a violent abusive man. He’s pretending that his violent assault on you was an accident

It wasn’t an accident. He is a violent abusive man.

You need to go to the police and have him arrested. He is violent and dangerous.

Fifthtimelucky · 01/11/2026 06:58

I don’t think it matters whether the apology is genuine or not. The fact is that he is a very violent man.

As others have said, you should leave him.

Applesonthelawn · 01/11/2026 06:59

You seem very focussed on the message rather than what he did to you, which I think may be due to your judgement being affected by years of this man's treatment.

But since you ask, no it does not express the kind of awareness that an apology requires. He may well feel awful in the moment but needs to analyse his behaviour in every moment of that interaction and understand why it is neither normal nor safe, and why it makes him a deeply unpleasant and dangerous person. An apology requires him to understand how vulnerable and hurt he has made you feel and why you may feel unsafe ever being around him. He should be thinking about what is best for you and not wallowing in himself.

None of that is forthcoming. He's totally wrapped up in himself. The only way forward is to leave him.

AnotherVice · 01/11/2026 07:01

His words or lack of them are COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. And just because your daughter is 19 doesn’t mean he couldn’t kill her too or at the very least, she has already been utterly traumatised for life. You need to never see this man again after today. Also, go to A&E as it sounds like he could have broken your jaw. Get it fixed so you don’t have a lifetime of pain. (I’m a paramedic btw so please trust my medical and safeguarding advice).

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2026 07:01

OpheliaNightingale · 01/11/2026 06:42

He has put in writing that it was an accident to cover his tracks. Should you seek medical attention and his crimes come to the attention of health care professionals, they would need to safeguard you. This could involve a police report. That is his motivation for this ‘apology’. You must make plans to get yourself and your teenage Daugher away from this highly abusive male. Show your daughter that this is not ok so she makes better choices for herself.

Exactly.

Zero empathy. Zero accountability. Completely distanced from what he did to you. And self pitying. It’s all about him.

This was very carefully worded to manipulate you into a) not reporting him and b) making you believe he is remorseful when he is not.

whippersnapper55 · 01/11/2026 07:02

I'm so sorry that he did this to you, and in front of your daughter 😔

First of all, it wasn't an accident and he knows it, so he's lying for a start - that is not genuine remorse. Secondly, nowhere does he say 'I'm so sorry for hurting you and terrifying you both', it's all about his feelings and doesn't acknowledge yours.

Thirdly, it doesn't matter if he were genuinely remorseful - domestic abusers often express remorse afterwards - until the next time.

You need to contact Women's Aid for some help and support. https://womensaid.org.uk/

I know it's scary but you need to make a plan to leave this man safely. He has hurt you and he's dangerous. If you can't do it for yourself, think of your daughter and what she has witnessed. You don't ever want her to think this is ok.

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://womensaid.org.uk

UserName00747 · 01/11/2026 07:02

He will express the same remorse the day after he murders you.

Planesmistakenforstars · 01/11/2026 07:03

If you saw a man push your daughter to the floor and then follow that up by forcebly pushing her jaw so hard he jars it loose, would you be scared for your daughter? What would you want her do to? Feel that for yourself, and do that for yourself.

You are in danger. It will be worse next time. And one day there won't be a next time.

Sally2791 · 01/11/2026 07:06

His words are irrelevant, that’s why I ignored them in my first post. His actions should tell you all you need to know. Please take heed.

Lampsandlightsandotherthings · 01/11/2026 07:06

An apology in blood is not enough, he’s an abusive man. Leave, if not, you are both neglecting your child, and that is also abuse.

ItsNotMeEither · 01/11/2026 07:07

You seem to be very focused on the quality of the apology, rather than the behaviour itself.

Here’s what I wonder though, assuming your 19 year old DD belongs to you both, is this honestly the first time he’s shown you any sign of aggression in all that time?

If you’ve been together 20 years and he’s never shown a sign of aggression before, then get him to a GP. This could be an early sign of cognitive decline.

I suspect though, that it’s not the first red flag he’s given you though and that you’ve probably excused other behaviour before, as long as he gets the apology ‘right’.

He could give you the best apology possible and be sincere, but that’s still not the issue, actions speak louder than words!

DD being 19 doesn’t make things better, it just means whatever you and your partner do, teaches her what to expect from a future partner. Would you want your own DD accepting that sort of behaviour from a partner?

Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2026 07:07

It uses the word "if" but he did hurt you and he hurt you physically- not just words like his message mentions.

What has he said to your face?
Is this a performance message/cover his arse message ?

It seems a dramatic avoiding the situation (could be talking about any incident) apology.

Notimefor · 01/11/2026 07:10

Quitebulesky27 · 01/11/2026 05:27

Just to clarify something in my original post, my daughter is 19 years old. I wanted to mention her age so there isn’t any misunderstanding. I’m particularly interested in everyone’s honest opinions about my husband’s message, including whether it demonstrates genuine remorse, empathy, and accountability.

No it doesn’t show real remorse or empathy.