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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh left me early this morning

305 replies

lou33 · 31/01/2005 10:34

that's it really

took his credit card, and went. Wouldn't tell me if he was coming back, refused to take his mobile, told me to tell the kids what i wanted.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 01/02/2005 00:35

Hunker munker that is fantastic, i have a huge grin on my face. will email you tomorrow with more praise after i have posted it. wonderful

tigermoth · 01/02/2005 07:38

lou, what a time you've all had! I am astounded at your dh's mother. He must be a star to come out of that childhood as sane and as lovely as he is (by all accounts).

I am really glad you are talking and that he is back. It must be a big thing for him to give you his blessing about going back to Thailand.

I don't want to pile the guilt on, and realise how important it is for you to go away, but are you absolutely sure your dh will be fine (and stick around) all the time you are away? From what you've said, he is really stressed at the moment and February 8 is only a week away. If there's a fight going on inside him between his generous, loving nature and his own insecurities and stress, it could be hard for him to remain consistent. I'm not saying don't go, but could he join you? I realise this will cost money and may be totally impractical, but is there any conceivable way you could both fly out? even if he goes later than you and joins you out there, just so you could share some time alone, work through your feelings on the tsunami together?

anorak · 01/02/2005 08:39

Lou, I'm so glad he is back. From all that you've said, I think he does love you, and he does want to be married to you, but he is close to a breakdown and desperately needs help and reassurance.

I read what you said about counselling. I understand, but do you think he could face psychotherapy, which is not at all the same as counselling, and is wonderful for people who are hurting because of things that happened to them in their childhoods.

I too wonder if maybe you should postpone your trip. It sounds like he is trying to be unselfish about it when in fact he desperately needs you around. I would hazard a guess that it is more the safety issue that worries him than not trusting you - after all, he has suffered bereavements, this illness of his mother's, your having two fits recently, and the tsunami. Is is any wonder he doesn't want to let you out of his sight, poor guy! It shows how much he does love and need you.

dinosaur · 01/02/2005 09:30

lou, have only just seen this - I'm so glad your DH is back and you are talking.

My DH had a very bad relationship with his mother, and sadly even when she was very ill she rebuffed his efforts to contact her and died whilst they were still estranged . That and a whole lot of surrounding family issues have really taken their toll and have left him angry and bitter. I hope things work out better for your DH and for you.

Flossam · 01/02/2005 09:41

Lou, beginning to think a name change to something like turtoise is in order. Only just caught up, so sorry you had such an awful day yesterday, hoping things are looking brighter this morning and that you and DH are refreshed and ready to have a good old heart to heart today. Sending you lots of hugs. xxx

fairyfly · 01/02/2005 09:52

My x found out when he was 15 by one of the village girls that he was adopted, she was laughing at him and he presumed he was just getting wound up. When he went home he asked and they told him it was true. The thing that confused the sutuation though and really messed him up was they told him his aunty was actually his mother. The complications that came with finding out his cousins were his sibling and vice versa were unbearable for him. From the moment he found out he was told he must lie to everyone and not let anyone know. Until i met him he carried this secret, seeing his cousins, brothers , sisters and holding all of this in. His adoptive mother wouldn't talk to him for years as she felt threatened, she is not a very nice lady at all.
The first date i had with my x he cried and told me all of this and ended up punching a wall.
The point of telling you all this is that he never came to terms with any of it, he began to push people away and became angrier and angrier. I couldn't do anything to help. I saw the pain of rejection in him constantly but he began to run away from it, he became incredibly hard and his motto was put yourself first because nobody else gives a crap. I think it is incredibly important you husband comes to terms with these issues as they eat you away and can turn you into a monster. So glad he is begining to share and talk to you but a lot of it is going to have to come from him. I couldn't help my x with his issues as he didn't want to help himself, he still doesn't. I know that only he can sort it out so. I hope your husband gets to that place before he carries on making rash decisions.
As for thailand, like he does, you have to sort out whats right for you in your own way also. That is all we can ever do at the end of the day, protect are own hearts and heads and hope that the ones we love do the same.

Original poster
lou33 · 01/02/2005 09:54

thanks dino

i can understand what you are all saying about postponing my trip, but i wont. Dh may be having a bad time atm, but i am too, and this is a last chance for me to try and regain some sense of balance again. If i don't go now i know it will never be quite the right time again, as there is always something else cropping up. We don't have a support system in place for dh to come with me, otherwise he would have come at the outset, am going alone because we know we can't do it together, and one of the reasons he came back was because he knows how badly i need this.

And as i have already said i think it will be good for both of us to have a decent length of time apart and think about our relationship. He won't abandon the kids while i am away, it may even be good for him to get to learn how to use strange creations such as the washing machine.

maybe it sounds selfish, but i have spent 17 years putting others first, even during my own stressful times, so it's bad timing maybe about the trip, but the point of it is not a solo holiday which can be done at any time, but something that has to be done now, to get me feeling better. If i don't do that then i know i wont have the strength to try and continue fixing our relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
lou33 · 01/02/2005 09:57

posts crossed, thanks ff x

OP posts:
fairyfly · 01/02/2005 10:00

All i was trying to say in a roundabout way before i went off on a tangent is, i took on too much responsibility taking on my x's issues. I should have noticed when i needed things, it was all about him and in the end i completely lost my identity, confidence.........In all of that time i should have protected myself also. So i fully understand why you must go to thailand, he has to decide what to do to sort his head out, then you can support him with that.

Original poster
lou33 · 01/02/2005 10:08

that's pretty much what i think

i don't feel i can put my own problems and feelings away , and concentrate on his properly. I need to focus on mine for a bit, then maybe i can help him.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 01/02/2005 10:12

Yes im trying to think of something my counsellor said, it was brilliant a metaphor of why you cant help anyone until you help yourself. But i can't so pointless comment

nailpolish · 01/02/2005 10:12

lou i dont think you are selfish to still go away, it might do you ALL good.

Original poster
lou33 · 01/02/2005 10:14

thanks you two.

might also do him some good to face his insecurities about me and see that i will come back

OP posts:
tigermoth · 01/02/2005 10:19

Lou, fair enough. I can see your heart is set on going to thailand, and you need to do this before you can do anything else. If postponing the trip is going to make you feel awful, you will be in an even worse state to give support to your dh. And of course your needs are just as important, too.

Have you thought about making plans now for something nice for you and dh to do when you come back, so it gives him something to focus on? Or can you find ways of making life easier for him while you are away (sorting out some evening babysitting, loading the freezer with readycooked meals, whatever) Or could you write him a letter telling him how much you love him, posted to arrive a day or so after you leave? Sorry if I am teaching you to suck eggs.

Original poster
lou33 · 01/02/2005 10:23

thanks tigermoth

i've been doing that anyway wrt dh coping, although i do feel that he wouldnt and doesnt make any effort for me like that when he goes away. But i have been stockpiling food, organising for the kids to go and play with friends. One of my friends has offered to have them all over for lunch as well. Have organised the kids to have school dinners instead of packed lunches, so he doesnt have to worry about getting them ready, and will write him step by step instructions on how to use the wshing machine.

OP posts:
tigermoth · 01/02/2005 10:35

you seem to have it covered, then. I guess you can keep in close touch while you are away by email and mobile phone so he can picture what's happening with you. Didn't you win a flash new phone in a mumsnet competition? Will you be taking it?

Original poster
lou33 · 01/02/2005 10:53

that wasnt me, though my phone does have video and photo facilites. And i can email call and msn him too

OP posts:
piffle · 01/02/2005 11:23

lou hugs hugs hugs, am hoping things come the right way up for you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chandra · 01/02/2005 11:37

Lou, I'm glad he is back and you are working in improving the things. I know you are very busy and have so many other important things in your mind, but if you have a chance there's a book called "Why men don't listen & women can't read maps" that explains why when we deseperately need to talk things out, men only want to be alone. It may help a bit.

I understand about your DH feeling you could betray him while away, he loves you (as he loved his mum), but that loved woman who he trusted so much failed him, so please be patient with him, or better said, be patient with you both. There are so many traumatic things going on, it would take time, but one by one they could be overcome.

By the way, in respect of the Tsunami, there's a book called Overcoming Post Traumatic Stress, would it help a bit? it's a self-help guide.

Many hugs to you both

Original poster
lou33 · 01/02/2005 11:42

thanks chandra

OP posts:
hub2dee · 01/02/2005 11:57

Remember those water sterilisation tablets then, o determined travelling one.

When you are there do you hope to visit different regions, or certain particular places, or visit certain orpahanges / schools etc. ? I think I remember reading that you had lots of contact with some people you were going to be staying with who lost their home / hotel...

leahbump · 01/02/2005 12:00

Lou- haven't chatted before but have been following this threadb and am glad that things are progressing in a more positve way than they might have done.

I just wanted to say that the book chandra manetioned is also very entertaining to read, dh also enjoyed it! It definately helped because we both read it!!

I will be thinking of you on your travels- hope that you find some 'balance' and that your dh does too.

Blu · 01/02/2005 12:03

Lou, still thinking of you.

I feel v heartened for you both that the things he said, and the things you are acknowledging, 'make sense' - i.e they fit the map. His awful outburst about your clothing for the pub fits his anxieties about your going away, and his memories of his mother's affairs. All the other jigsaw pieces fit, and you are both being honest.

My thoughts are with all of you.

I can well imagine you feel anything but strong.

XXXXX

whymummy · 01/02/2005 12:11

glad you're going ahead with the trip,wish i could come with you we made a few friends on patong beach,they had a bar close to the beach ,i'd love to know that they're ok,anyway good luck with everything
xx

wilbur · 01/02/2005 12:19

Lou - I'm so sorry you are facing such difficult times. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

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