Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

You know what it is like to have been cheated on and lied to and the harrowing impact it has, yet you are advising this creature to not tell his wife and waste her one precious life on Earth with him? And sending him kisses? Have you lost your mind? He will do it to her again because he is scum and has even said he misses the affair and the woman he cheated with. Embarassing.

Two minutes later says he misses his affair partner LOL

If you love your wife why hurt her badly with a confession? You are not really giving her a free choice, after all, just forcing her hand into a decision to forgive, or divorce, or an unhappy sham of a marriage if she feels she will carrying on with theattoage for the sake of the children but without any trust between you . The thing is if you tell her, you will have to tell it all including that you still love and think of the other woman. Your affair woman will be the third person in your marriage. Telling her that you ended it because you love your wife more rarely makes any one feel better .

I think you must consign your thoughts about your affair partner firmly in the past.. You won't forget them but they will fade and the thoughts will come less frequently if you distract your self with other thoughts, and you will learn to live with them and hopefully use the experience to guide you away from from straying again..

I’ll say what I always say on these threads. If you know your wife wouldn’t have sex with you knowing, and you carry on having sex with your wife, you aren’t having consensual sex. You have circumvented her informed enthusiastic consent. Which makes you a…

And you miss the 24 yo. Yuk BTW. Tell yourself you won’t do it again but you will. You already are in your head. Can’t stop thinking about it, right?

Just leave. It happened for a reason, whether that’s because you’re a weak sad loser or because your marriage isn’t OK. None of that has changed.

What triggered the ending of your affair? Was it getting too intense emotionally from her side or yours to make you decide to call time on it?

Ignore people who tell you you’ll do it again- that’s not always the case (spoken from someone who did have an affair), however you do need to work out fundamentally why it happened so you can work on things with your wife.

I’m not saying it’s not a shitty thing to do, but if you really want to, you can work on getting back on track with your wife.

So, in summary, take it to your grave

The whole point of forums like this is to encourage discussion and allow people to express differing opinions, not to be rude or personally attack someone simply because their perspective differs from yours.
We can only offer opinions based on our own experiences and understanding of a situation. Every relationship and set of circumstances is different, and what one person feels is the right approach may not be what another would choose.
You’re perfectly entitled to disagree with me, just as I’m entitled to my opinion. Neither of us knows the full circumstances, so neither of us can claim to have all the answers or know what the right things is to do.

Perhaps that’s worth considering the next time you respond to someone. The ability to disagree constructively, without resorting to personal insults, would make for a far more worthwhile discussion.

Your wife deserves to know she's married to a lying cheating shit.

I’m amazed at the number that voted that he should ‘take it to the grave.’ Hell no. You are living a lie, OP, and compelling your wife to live one, too. I call that cruel at least and abuse if I am truly honest.

If this is a real post (which isn’t certain), the truth will come out. Though you are an excellent liar, you are not as clever as you think you are and you will slip. Then you will (both) have the betrayal to deal with and the weeks/months/years of lies piled on top. Do the right, honest thing and tell your wife who she is married to.

You have to learn to let it go and rebuild trust with her and encourage open honesty in the relationship.

Dont tell her that would be dumb. And if she ever hears or suspects anything…… deny, deny, deny. Even if she gets proof, deny, deny, deny.

But you need to sort your sh*t out. I have no doubt you’ll do it again and your wife and kids deserve better.

So gaslight her and deny her the opportunity to make her own informed choices.

That's abusive.

If he loved his wife he wouldn’t have lied to her and betrayed her for 9 months. That takes some doing. Imagine how many lies you’d have to tell so that your spouse was ‘none the wiser’. Those are OP’s words in quotes, and I think there’s a whiff of ‘aren’t I clever?’ about them.

I do believe their must of been something not right in your marriage for you to cheat in the 1st place as it wasn’t just a one night stand, it was a whole affair with feelings involved. No matter how dismissive you are, the majority of women cannot sleep with a man for 9 months and not feel deeply or emotionally attached to them.
you had a whole other little side life behind your wives back. If you truly loved your wife you would not of had a prolonged affair for so long. I think it is more you care deeply for your wife and realised you love the life you have with her. I think you need to actually sit with your emotions and thoughts, really think and decide what it is you want as opposed to what you think you should do morally. An ego boost is more a one night stand, a whole 9 months affair is much more.
you have already said you can’t stop thinking about the affair so you are definitely not over it no matter what you tell yourself.
once you are completely honest with yourself I do think if you want to stay your wife needs the respect to know everything and decide to either walk away or together you try and fix what was wrong in your marriage in the 1st place to cause you to cheat.

How would you feel if your wife had been shagging a 24 year old man for 9 months and was still sleeping with you? How can you ever trust the woman won’t tell her, whether it’s now or in a couple of years? Be accountable and let her make the decision on what she wants to do, she deserves the truth. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Sorry if this has already been raised. The OP’s story is incredibly similar to one from a female poster about four months ago. Am I allowed to link the thread? I remember the vote for her to take it to the grave was 74% There was so much support for her not to tell her husband. I think the affair had been going on longer. I will see if I can find it.

Lots of advice on this thread for the OP
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5544071-should-i-tell-my-husband-about-an-affair-that-ended-last-month?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

It seems strange that nearly all the comments are saying to tell her, but the voting goes the other way

Confessing all to your wife to make you feel better about yourself, is down right selfish. You salving your own conscious will break her heart. If you truly want to make a go of your marriage, why would you want to hurt your wife so badly? Ultimately, she might decide your are not worth the heartache and leave anyway. Is that a risk you are prepared to take. Your motives are self centred. TBH it sounds like she is better off without your kind of love.

I cannot believe the number of people who have voted not to tell her.

You couldn't keep you marriage vows. What makes you think you have the right to take away her autonomy. She gets to choose who she wants to be with. Tell her the truth you owe her that.

This response is absolutely right. Whatever decision your wife makes in the future will be based on lies. She will make decisions based on who she thinks you are and not who you actually are. You are a cheat and now you are a liar too. Your poor wife deserves to decide whether she stays with you or not, not your decision.

Men are so used to lying. This is why many women can't be bothered with marriage anymore. Willingly putting yourself in relationships where youre living a lie and being gaslit? Hell no. Despicable humans.

Agree, however it doesn't point to something wrong in the marriage. It points to something wrong with him, a lack of boundaries and the need for validation. Unless and until he addresses his reasons why, he isn't a safe partner

@BlueOinkYello
Stats (admittedly Amrican ) show
Data from the General Social Survey (GSS) and the Institute for Family Studies shows that young women aged 18 to 29 are slightly more likely to report having an affair than men in the same age group (11% versus 10%). 1]