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Original poster

Do I tell DD she's not nice?

461 replies

Weeeheee · 16/10/2026 11:44

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

OP posts:
AuroraBloom · 16/10/2026 18:23

I'd tell your daughter she's free to form her own opinion on the OW but she was not a nice person towards you.

WhereAreTheTrueGreens · 16/10/2026 18:33

OW is probably nice to your DD and very, very nice to your XH.

Her behaviour towards her husband and you and your husband's towards you and her husband was appalling but that doesn't mean she cannot be 'nice' towards others. Just shit standards around relationships and low morals but that's a different thing.

BinNightTonight · 16/10/2026 18:34

Your DD is an adult, so i would probably say something like oh really, she wasnt very nice to me. Or maybe I wouldnt, I dont know!

My ex left me for a colleague and moved to her town (he worked away at times) which is 5 hours away from me and his baby at the time, now toddler. He has nothing to do with our child. I blame my ex wholeheartedly, he made all of these decisions. But yeah, I blame his girlfriend too, she 100% knew he had a partner and a baby of less than a year old. Regardless of the lies he told her, she is aware hes moved with her 5 hours away from his child and doesnt see him, I think she's awful too. Of course my ex is to blame, but its naive to think SOME affair partners are completely innocent, when they categorically know about the family.

Original poster
Weeeheee · 16/10/2026 18:38

shuggles · 16/10/2026 17:30

@Weeeheee I'm more concerned about the fact that your ex-husband went to a country which is a 10 hour flight away to start a relationship with someone else. The word "scammer" comes to mind. Though not an issue for you if you and your ex-husband now have separate finances.

That gets filed under

"Not my problem"

OP posts:
Original poster
Weeeheee · 16/10/2026 18:42

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2026 17:52

The fact that your dd felt comfortable enough to say that in front of you shows you’ve been very child centred and taken the high road well so
far, I woudnt ruin it now

Just found this.

Thank you.

I've tried to.

OP posts:
marmaladepoodle · 16/10/2026 19:32

shuggles · 16/10/2026 17:30

@Weeeheee I'm more concerned about the fact that your ex-husband went to a country which is a 10 hour flight away to start a relationship with someone else. The word "scammer" comes to mind. Though not an issue for you if you and your ex-husband now have separate finances.

🤣 it's weird to automatically assume this. Do you not think people fall in love across actual borders and continents, and have done since the dawn of movement?

Anyway sure, perhaps the exH is scamming her 😂

shuggles · 16/10/2026 19:44

@marmaladepoodle 🤣 it's weird to automatically assume this. Do you not think people fall in love across actual borders and continents, and have done since the dawn of movement?

I'm bemused as to why you think this is weird when the scenario I described is the default, not the exception. If a foreign, exotic woman shows interest in a man on a dating app, only a class A idiot would think that's not a scam.

EmmaB1309 · 16/10/2026 20:31

Why don’t you ever mention what a shitbag the man was in all this?? Presumably DD still has a relationship with him? If so, why shouldn’t she have one with the OW? Or doesn’t she know it was an affair? If not, then yes, at 20 she probably ought to know the truth. If so, and she is choosing to try to get on with the OW than that’s her choice and you should hold your tongue, galling as it must be for you.

essexmam89 · 16/10/2026 20:40

She’s old enough to know the distruction they both caused , let her carry on rotten fruit always falls by itself

Ilovewatchingthedrama · 16/10/2026 21:12

You ARE bitter (with good reason). The choices he took are 100% on your xh - he could have said no at any point on that journey. Your dd is an adult and has to work out a way to have a relationship with her dad in some shape or form and that will involve a relationship with his new wife - let her. I’m not being flippant here but get some therapy to help you work through your feelings. No matter how old your children are they should never be dragged into your relationship problems and made to pick sides.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 16/10/2026 21:14

I'm not sure having an affair necessarily means she won't be nice/friendly with your dd. I know she did a horrid thing, but it doesn't define her entire personality forever (imo). Is she a trustworthy partner, probably not, and good luck to your ex h but for your dd that isn't what's required anyway. She presumably is wanting a friendly and comfortable albeit fairly distant relationship with a step mother - she's not going to become her best mate or trust her with her deepest secrets, she just wants a friendly chat and for it to be easy to see her dad. That's all she means by "nice" - I don't think it's a good idea to lecture her about all the sordid details tbh. What good would it do/why would you?

Rightieoe · 16/10/2026 21:16

I don’t think being angry or bitter are bad things.

Why are we so accepting of people hurting us in the worst ways and the societal expectation is for the injured party to continuously act with the upmost grace and understanding and accommodating that betrayal in every way possible.

it doesn’t sit right with me, there should be consequences for such shitty behaviour.

SquirrelGG · 16/10/2026 21:20

Doppe · 16/10/2026 11:48

I couldn't hold my tongue in your situation tbh. I think you've summed it perfectly in your OP " A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person". Nothing wrong with telling her that.

Surely a 20 year old is capable of working that out for herself?

OP I think you should just hold your tongue and let your DD get on with it.

worldshottestmom · 16/10/2026 21:22

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 16/10/2026 21:14

I'm not sure having an affair necessarily means she won't be nice/friendly with your dd. I know she did a horrid thing, but it doesn't define her entire personality forever (imo). Is she a trustworthy partner, probably not, and good luck to your ex h but for your dd that isn't what's required anyway. She presumably is wanting a friendly and comfortable albeit fairly distant relationship with a step mother - she's not going to become her best mate or trust her with her deepest secrets, she just wants a friendly chat and for it to be easy to see her dad. That's all she means by "nice" - I don't think it's a good idea to lecture her about all the sordid details tbh. What good would it do/why would you?

This. I think you're hurting OP in the sense that you don't want to feel like she will prefer this person to you, and she won't. She is probably being friendly for the sake of amicability and nothing more. If she bangs on about her being nice again I would say no more than "nice people don't ruin marriages" and leave it at that, or maybe not even say it at all. There's not much need to, though I know how frustrating it is to have to hold your tongue at times like this.

If you start acting out and being negative towards OW, depsite having every bloody right to, your DD will see you as malicious and her as nice in present day. We don't want that. Smile, be nice, when she brings her up; "that's lovely dear". Be the warm, safe space that your DD knows and loves. She will grow up to see what that thing is in her own time, and she won't want any part in it.

juicelooseabootthishoose · 16/10/2026 21:26

Imagine the conversation with her in 20 years when she thanks you for never making her choose. Sometimes the pennies drop for people over time and its best not to force that as it so often unfairly backfires.

The best thing for your daughters well being and mental health is to maintain a relationship with her dad. If that involves visiting for two weeks at a time due to distance and cost she needs to get along with his partner. So the early green shoes is a positive thing but there is a long way to go yet

This will at times be utterly galling. And you will have holes in your tongue. But how the adults all behaved in their relationships to one another is not the childrens concern-even if they are now young adults themselves.

Abricot1983 · 16/10/2026 21:31

Move to another playing field where you treat these things as side issues. Moving on is the healthiest situation.

Macinae · 16/10/2026 21:32

worldshottestmom · 16/10/2026 21:22

This. I think you're hurting OP in the sense that you don't want to feel like she will prefer this person to you, and she won't. She is probably being friendly for the sake of amicability and nothing more. If she bangs on about her being nice again I would say no more than "nice people don't ruin marriages" and leave it at that, or maybe not even say it at all. There's not much need to, though I know how frustrating it is to have to hold your tongue at times like this.

If you start acting out and being negative towards OW, depsite having every bloody right to, your DD will see you as malicious and her as nice in present day. We don't want that. Smile, be nice, when she brings her up; "that's lovely dear". Be the warm, safe space that your DD knows and loves. She will grow up to see what that thing is in her own time, and she won't want any part in it.

Edited
Show quote history

This 1000 times over.

TheDreamyFinch · 16/10/2026 21:33

Weeeheee · 16/10/2026 11:44

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

I was the DD in your situation 30 years ago and it’s a really hard place to be. She will know about the OW and the reality of who she is. But you have to just put up with it if you want to be close to other family members.
It is a very hard place to be. Also as I have got older I have got far less tolerant tbh. Still polite. But only putting up with it because of her control over my dad.

AuroraBloom · 16/10/2026 21:35

The Ops daughter should have some sort of understanding of her mums feelings towards the OW. She might be her mum but she's also a woman who is allowed to be pissed off about the way the OW treated her.

Shirke · 16/10/2026 21:37

cheezncrackers · 16/10/2026 12:23

I'm shocked that a 20-year-old can't work all this out for herself, unless this information has been deliberately kept from her. If the latter, I would stop doing that. It's time she knew the truth. She is an adult.

Surely you treat people as you find them not on what someone else says.

Original poster
Weeeheee · 16/10/2026 21:38

Rightieoe · 16/10/2026 21:16

I don’t think being angry or bitter are bad things.

Why are we so accepting of people hurting us in the worst ways and the societal expectation is for the injured party to continuously act with the upmost grace and understanding and accommodating that betrayal in every way possible.

it doesn’t sit right with me, there should be consequences for such shitty behaviour.

You're on my page.

I'm not a subscriber to the common MN themes of

" Be the bigger person"
" Retain your dignity"
" Rise above it"

And the worst one...
"The best revenge is a life lived well"

If a person has been a shit, you tell them to their face that they're a shit and you explain why, with detail, their shittiness to anyone who asks the question and wants the answer.

XH hated that I told so many of our friends his sex website user name after they requested it.

I fundamentally disagree with not calling out abhorrent behaviour.

OP posts:
Easterchicken · 16/10/2026 21:41

I feel you haven't mended from the betrayal

I agree though anyone who embarks in an affair when they are married or the person they are with is married is vile and deserves nothing but the worst in life

AuroraBloom · 16/10/2026 21:41

I would expect loyalty from my daughter, Especially if her dad had fucked off with another woman.

MumOfPercy · 16/10/2026 21:44

I would like to think that my children would be treated respectfully and nicely by any partner of their father. Regardless of what happened to you, or her, or her ex or your ex.. that’s not DD’s business and if she likes her, then let her. Just be thankfully she’s getting a step parent that puts in the effort.

renovationchoas · 16/10/2026 21:45

I think I wouldn’t say that OW is definitely not nice to your DD or anything that makes it sound as if she has to hate her for your sake, because it is important that she knows she is able to make her own choice and you don’t want her having to play both sides. It does make her life easier if she gets on with this woman and it is easier to get on with someone if you don’t believe they are evil.

I’d say something more like “obviously, I’ve got good reason not to be keen on her myself, but I am really glad that she is being nice to you”. She can be being nice to DD and not be a nice person - if she is nice to DD, does it matter right now? DD will make her own mind up about her in time.