Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

Sure, but what you don't have the right to do is dictate other people's perception of and relationship with these people, especially when it would affect things like their relationship with their other parent.

You've done your calling out and you're no longer in a relationship with him. That's your remit. Your daughter's life and relationships are not.

(Why the fuck did they want to know his sex website username?)

She's not a step parent.

What I'm reading from this is that you think I shouldn't say what negative information I know about a given individual to people I care about?

If DD was associating with a convicted criminal, I should say nothing?

(A number of reasons...disbelief, shock, 1 drunken request to see XH performing - that night was hilarious fun!)

She's not a convicted criminal, unless there's more to this you're not telling us. And your daughter knows the negative information. He told her. She has made a decision and she doesn't want to be a part of this conflict which doesn’t involve her. And no, you don't have the right to try to force it. Her relationships are not in your remit.

(Wait, you mean he was the one in the videos on the site??)

I'm pretty sure anyone would feel the same as you OP. All this rise above it is just bollocks.

It does involve her though.Her dad moved 10 hours away from her.

He's a giant piece of shit, but moan to your friends, your therapist.

This is her dad. She's stuck with him. She's stuck with the OW. You get to move on.

I don't think OP needs to rise above it, although there will come a point where you wonder what point it serves, because the ex and his new wife don't care and aren't bothered. I just don't think OP should be trying to influence her daughter's relationships and perceptions to satisfy her grievance. The daughter knows everything and doesn't want to be involved on that level. She shouldn't then be dragged into it and essentially made to choose between her parents. OP can do what she likes with herself.

And she's made the decision that she still wants a relationship with him, and by extension, his wife. She knows this, and she's made her decisions. It really doesn't matter if others don't like it.

It matters to the OP. Don't her feelings count for anything?

Your daughter almost certainly will have had a hard time coming to terms with the fact her dad is shit and had an affair etc. If having the new wife in her life isn’t terribly awful for her then that’s a win. Leave them to it.

Now would be the time to work on what happens when future events occur when you all need to be in the same room. You need to plan for graduations, weddings etc so that you’re prepared to rise above your feelings and put on a brave face for the kids. I was in this exact situation (my dad left my mum for the other woman when I was 18) and every event was filled with fear that my mum would ruin the occasion and cause a scene.

All your mums fault then? Put up and shut up.

Yes, the OP can have all the feelings but she needs to let them out to her friends or a therapist. Her young daughter has had enough of a burden placed on her with her dad’s behaviour and I don’t think the OP should make that worse.

Most people, by far, do not approve of cheating. I'm sure your 20 year old daughter, as an actual child in the family this occurred in, does not need to have it explained to her that it was wrong, selfish, hurtful, and so on. Listen mama, EVERYBODY already knows that so don't worry that there's any chance your daughter does not!

Personally, I would want to go along and see if it's possible to twist both their stupid heads off with my bare hands alone hahaha. However... I think we should focus on the important issue at this point, which is how do YOU want to look, in the eyes of your daughter and everyone else who knows you?

The classiest, most elegant look is to say NOTHING. The trash has been taken out and you are on to better things so why would you want to revisit that ickiness? Or, at least save it for your best friend only or your therapist.

Your daughter has been hurt by this enough already. (And I was that child, so I know). If you talk negatively about any of it- your ex, his affair partner, your former marriage, cheating in general - keep in mind that you will be hurting her further. Gah, I'm getting an icky stomach just thinking about it. Talking about it to her is dragging her into her parent's mess even more than she already had to be. It will hurt her. Therefore, I say do not go there.

Think of it like if some guy, oh, I don't know, say accidentally went dookie on the floor. And some icky woman zoomed straight over there and ate it. See, it's like that. We all get it. You don't need to do a thing. But if you do, well then it's like you got in there and, um, tried to grab the dookie or something. Hahaha. Hope this helps. Don't worry, you don't have to pay me hahaha. 💩

While her dad gets to do what the fuck he likes.

Well actually, my dad shouldn’t have had an affair but he should have left her many years before as she was awfully financially and emotionally abusive but that’s not the point.

My dad and step mum behaved awfully to have an affair but the affair wasn’t my fault so at age 21 when I graduated it’s not fair that was ruined because my mum couldn’t get through 30 minutes being near them.

Yes he’s clearly a massive nob, I’m not saying the OP shouldn’t have the feelings or shout about it but the daughter is 20. That’s young and she’s probably sad about the whole thing (I know I was). Sometimes we have to prioritise our kids and not have them as our therapists.

Why should she? The OW should have stayed away from your graduation.

I think I’d have just said “I hope you’re right” in a tone that expressed slight concern that she might not be. If I was asked to explain I’d just say something like, it’s too early to tell, I’m sure she seems nice, time will tell, but I hope for your sake you’re correct. It’s enough to suggest you have concerns which might make her more wary but without actually bad mouthing her which might look like bitterness. It also suggests your concern is for your DD rather than getting back at OW. Also bear in mind you have no idea what lies your XH had been feeding the OW about you, or what her previous marriage was like. Quite often nice gullible women jump from one unpleasant husband to another. She might have finally realised her ex was a piece of work, and thinking you were as well she’s wanted to get with XH thinking he was the real deal and they both deserved to move on together away from nasty exes. Obviously over time she’ll realise XH is no better and will possibly also realise you weren’t the nasty woman he’d made out you were. Maybe you’ll also realise she’s actually nice but gullible. Alternatively she might indeed be a nasty woman but I’m sure your daughter will work this out in time since she’s already had the sense to work out XH wasn’t so great. Sounds like she’s a sensible judge so trust her to work it out.

Sure but her daughter is her daughter, not her therapist, and also her father's daughter and that relationship matters too. And the daughter's own feelings matter as well.

Parents should not expect their children to be their foot soldiers in their grievances or their therapists. It's possessive and manipulative and I've never known a child who didn't hate it or come to hate it.

Why should my mum have got through my graduation without causing a scene? Because it wasn’t about her. My mum was already remarried by then so really could have managed to ignore them and get on with the day.

Marriages break down and some people are awful, having affairs, being abusive etc etc. That doesn’t mean you should do your best to screw up your kid’s lives.

My children are young adults and I’d certainly
have a chat about ideas like niceness, agreeability, and goodness. If you don’t, who’s going to? They’ve got to develop their judgement and surely their own mother is a suitable person to discuss ethics and morals with.

I think the OPs daughters dad and the 'lovely'other woman had a hand in fucking up her life.

If she says “oh my gosh don’t you think OW is so nice” then let loose. Anything else is not asking for your opinion and you don’t need to give it.

Don’t put your own daughter in an awkward position just to get a dig in against someone who won’t even hear it.

Let your daughter make up her own mind about her step mother. It really is none of your business and it is very unkind of you to try to influence your daughter’s opinion of this woman when she has a chance of a genuine relationship with someone who is important to her father.