Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

Let her learn for herself . They did you favour inflicting themselves on eachother .what a lovely secure relationship that must be.👀

DD is 20 leave her to it. The things you mention about OW not being nice are very specific to the situation she and XH were in at that time. It is no real reflection of her as a person or how DD will see her.
You haven't said how long ago it was but time has obviously passed. Just leave DD to find out for herself.

Slightly different but my children hadn't seen their father for many years, court ordered, at 18 they could. They asked questions and I answered them honestly but I never gave any information that wasn't asked for or an opinion that was unrelated. I wanted them to find out for themselves. As a result only 1 out of 4 actually has some sort of(limited) relationship with him and nobody can blame me for that.

Correct. I'd say, calmly "Well, I feel a person who betrays another person, lies to them, and cheats on them, is not a nice person." And then I'd just leave it, but it should give her some food for thought at least.

True though.

Understandably the OP is bitter but no need to drag daughter into it

Then why is the OP focusing on OW not being nice and not her ex being a bastard?? It was HIM who promised her " forsaking all others"

Where are you)( or OP) expected to have a relationship with this woman?

So did the ex husband

If it comes up again I would tell "look I will probably struggle to ever think of her as a nice person due to the way she behaved when I was married to your dad - they both hurt me a lot. BUT that was a long time ago and I am genuinely really pleassd for you that she's been kind to you and treated you in a way that means you can find her as a nice person and have a good relationship".

Not sweeping your experience under the carpet but also not making it all about you - this woman is now part of Dds relationship with her dad and it is an objectively good thing if it can be a positive experience for her.

This
Your daughter is an adult and can make her own choices

@Weeeheee I'm more concerned about the fact that your ex-husband went to a country which is a 10 hour flight away to start a relationship with someone else. The word "scammer" comes to mind. Though not an issue for you if you and your ex-husband now have separate finances.

I’m not sure what it would achieve. Your daughter knows what happened, and she thinks her father’s partner is nice despite everything that has happened. She’s told you how she finds her, not making an objective statement she expects you to agree with.

You don’t have to think of her as a nice or good person. Your daughter is entitled to think differently 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is a difference between acting with integrity & morals to being "nice" which is a surface pleasantry anyone can fake

You’re all adults, i’d let sleeping dogs lie, she’s never going to replace you because you are her Mum, not like that would be a worry for you i’m sure, don’t give her a reason to question you’re motives.

I’ve been the DD in this situation. Don’t say anything.

But the probability is that bad people will do bad things over and over and over again.

they may accidentally do a good thing once every so often.

nice people can make mistakes and they often learn from it.

people who cheat and break up families for their own self satisfaction aren’t good people.

They have a billion chances to make a decision NOT to hurt anyone, but they do it anyway. Making all kinds of bollocks up to justify it to themselves

The fact that your dd felt comfortable enough to say that in front of you shows you’ve been very child centred and taken the high road well so
far, I woudnt ruin it now

XH was fully at fault. My OP says this.

DD stated that she thinks OW is nice... That's the reason for the thread?

XH shittiness for cheating, and moving 10 hours flight away from his children, should be taken as fully acknowledged.

Cheaters are shitty people @BustyLaRoux . There's never an excuse and it's not just a good person making a bad decision. It's a series of bad decisions and bad choices and lies and deceit.

Instead of saying "I don't think it is nice to cheat", perhaps the actual point you want to get across would have more impact if you said something more like "Yes, she has nice manners, but remember that in big things she can't be trusted as she will always prioritise herself above you".

@BestZebbie Perfectly said.

We all know people IRL who are fun/interesting to be with but can't be relied on to have our backs. Sometimes they're family members!

You don't seem very nice tbh. Maybe that's what your DD means, that she doesn't insult or belittle women that have different opinions to her.

People can be really nice but sometimes do bad things. We are human.

Your dd isn’t the person to air this out to, she is well and truly stuck in the middle of all this. What is she supposed to do? Turn on OW and cause a rift between her and her father? It’s understandable you feel bitter, what XH did was completely shitty, but your dd probably wants a relationship with her dad and getting on with OW will be part of that unfortunately.

OW is nice to her, it could be worse. As hard as it is, be glad DD isn’t being iced out from her own family because of her.

I have a very good friend who had a series of affairs with married man. She had a ruthless streak, and when challenged about it, would say that if she wasn't with that married man, someone else would be for sure. In the rest of her life she was a loving, generous, kind, hardworking person and an excellent mother; also a loyal partner because, interestingly, she never cheated on a partner.
This OW may also have some lovely qualities that your DD has noticed. DD knows about the affair with her dad and can draw her own conclusions. I would say nothing and give her the chance to get to know the woman. It will be easier for her to maintain her relationship with her dad if she gets on with her.

Well we can disagree. I don’t think cheaters are necessarily shitty people. But you’re entitled to your view and I accept I’m in the minority. However your DD is an adult and doesn’t need you to share this view. Hurtful as it may have been, this isn’t about you now and there is nothing to be gained from sharing your view of this woman other than making your DD feel awkward.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do op. However, it’s not something for your daughter to carry. She will likely have her own feelings on the matter given her father’s betrayal of his family, but she’s trying to move
on with her life and part of that is coming to accept this woman. She can’t do anything about what her father did, nor change the outcome. Carrying anger and resentment towards him and the OW will only increase the burden.

I say this as someone who has had to deal with their mother’s bitterness towards their father when he remarried following divorce (not an OW scenario). It has utterly destroyed our relationship and I’m very low contact with her now.

"Bad person" is a pretty simplistic concept. We will all do bad things over and over again until we die, and good things too. Some people are repeat, compulsive cheats; some cheat when in the wrong relationship or during a particular episode, learn from it and don't do it again.

You can talk all day about why cheating is bad, but it doesn't oblige the daughter to dislike her stepmother. If she's not going to hate her father for it, the one who cheated on her mother, there's no reason to hate his wife either. She obviously does not wish to get drawn into this conflict and she's not obliged to.

Sometimes the cheated on spouse is no angel either; doesn't make cheating OK, but forsaking all others isn't the only vow you can break.

OP is free to decide her ex's wife is a Bad Person with no redeeming features at all but her daughter is equally free not to.