Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

You’re brilliant. 🤩

How is it OP’s mess that her husband cheated and left her for OW ?

This is easy to say if it's never happened to you, but far too simplistic.

Only read OP's posts.

I think in your situation I would tell my DD that I found it hard to hear how nice she believes OW is. She's old enough to understand that lots of people got hurt.
You can say that it's fine DD has her own relationship with OW, but apart from practical matters you don't need to hear the emotional side of things.

I'd find a good friend to off load to.

You asked for opinions, but clearly don’t want any that don’t agree with you. So, why ask?

Yes... given your posts saying that the DD knows the facts around the situation... I would just take her comment that OW seems nice... as she was civil and pleasant to me on the phone, ie she wasn't rude or nasty to me...

Which is reassuring seeing as your DD has to go to the wedding.

I think overall its better to say nothing, but another pp said that if your DD starts telling you too much about OW and you don't want to hear it.. then calmly and without sounding too bitter you could say Please DD, I'm glad things went OK, but I'd rather not hear about her. And talk about something you both enjoy instead.

That's really all the attention the OW and ex deserve. The big day will soon be done and dusted and in the past x

Instead of saying "I don't think it is nice to cheat", perhaps the actual point you want to get across would have more impact if you said something more like "Yes, she has nice manners, but remember that in big things she can't be trusted as she will always prioritise herself above you".

A lifetime is a long time. I was the dd's age here when my dad cheated with the OW. I didn't speak to him for two years. He's been with her for over 30 years now, longer than my parents' marriage.

Ooooh, I like that.

Thank you.

Interesting response.

You did read that my first sentence agrees with you, right?!

At 20, DD is old enough and mature enough to come to her own conclusions about individuals she encounters.

She is also entitled to do so.

She clearly has maintained a relationship of some sort with the father who cheated on her mother and moved far from her to be with the mistress. She probably has some need to keep up a feeling that she's still loved and appreciated by all the people in her life.

Hopefully she has her own fully operational moral compass, and will not consider her father's behaviour, or this woman's, something to emulate.

I'd keep shtum, in your shoes. When a man or woman marries the person they cheated with, they create a vacancy. Even if DD hasn't yet seen the reality of the people whose wedding she's going to, she probably will some day.

Of course tell her! And you should blame her equally as much as your husband.Not from a "girlcode, we stick up for women and would never betray one" viewpoint, but because they are both cheaters, so both awful people.

Point out you can never trust a person like like. Anyone who would do this will hurt her at some point. Maybe not today, but one day.

It's YOUR personal experience with OW which is embittering you. Because you do sound very bitter.

My partner's mother broke up the family a few decades ago when she left for another man. My partner and his siblings weren't even teens yet. It was apparently a huge mess with a lot of knock on effects.

Years later when I met my partner, I met this guy as she was still with him (until his death a few years ago). He was absolutely lovely. My partner clearly got on with him, but his siblings (and obviously my partner's dad) hated the guy, never accepted him, and would tell anyone in earshot what a creep he was. No accountability for their mother though, who could have chosen to stay. 🙄 Especially as she left after only knowing him a month!

Your daughter may well get on with this woman, and it's none of your business if she does. If she has anything about her, she'll make up her own mind anyway.

As the child of parents who are divorced and remarried with plenty of tears on the way

Leave it ! It's absolutely not for your daughter to carry your sadness and trauma at anything that happened in your marriage

She is entitled to build a decent relationship with her fathers new partner

The import of your comment in its entirety is not the same as that of mine, as I’m sure you’re aware. I’m saying that most people are complex and cannot be characterised as any one thing.

That’s really not the same as They might make you a cup of tea unexpectedly. And lie to you with their next breath. Not all bad.

You clearly want an argument.

I can't be bothered as it's not helping me with my DD.

Back in your box love

I don’t think that’s a reasonable response to anything I’ve said on this thread. You clearly don’t want any help with your daughter that isn’t advice to say what you want to say. It’s unlikely to have the result that you want, but back in my box I shall get.

You do sound bitter. Let her make her own judgement. She is perfectly capable of deciding whether someone who breaks up a marriage is a nice person or not. You don’t need to convince her one way or the other.
I cheated on my exH. I am a lovely person as it happens. Do I regret cheating on my exH? Yes. Did he deserve it? Also yes. Does it make me a bad person? No. Does it mean I didn’t exercise good judgement? Yes.
I guess what I’m saying is bad people do good things and good people do bad things. I don’t think it’s as simple as: she had an affair as therefore must be not a nice person. All you’ll do is sound bitter.

What absolute nonsense. You don’t know anything about that woman. How can say with such conviction that she will certainly hurt the DD one day.

You sound bitter and want to keep going on about it. Your DD knows what the OW and her DF did together - she knows you will be hurt - she's an adult after all and can work these things out herself. She doesn't need you to keep pushing your narrative.

I wouldn’t tell her outright but I would say to her that you find it upsetting when she talks about her.
Having been in your DD’s position I can say that it is so difficult to get your head round things like this - knowing your Df is not a nice person for a start. She’s probably just trying to work through her feelings and is probably trying to get a sort of normal father daughter relationship back.

My ex partner's ex wife is a nice woman... sociable, good company, easy to talk too, good sense of humour... she's still a bloody awful Mother for walking out and leaving her children for another man, when they were 4 and 6 years old!

My point is, the OW might be nice, she could be the life and soul of a party, give money to charity, rescue kittens, but still be the type of person who chases married men and cheats on her husband!

I'm presuming your daughter is aware that your husband had an affair? If so, she's stuck in the middle between you and her Dad. Your ex husband is marrying this woman, regardless if your daughter likes her or not. Therefore to maintain a relationship with her Dad, she's going to need to be polite, civil and tolerate the OW for his sake. Perhaps she's trying to make the best of a crap situation.

Be indifferent if your daughter mentions the OW. Don't put your daughter in the position of having to take sides.

I don't think anyone who cheats on their partner is "absolutely" lovely.

Adulterers are selfish and frequently lie, it goes with the territory.

Doesn't mean they can't be nice when it suits.

I really don’t think you should say anything OP. I had a number of step parents in my life and whichever parent on the other side would be icily cold whenever the ex or the new step parent was mentioned. Both my parents seem to think that they were being polite enough but it was an awful atmosphere and resulted in me effectively having two entirely different lives where I couldn’t speak about anything I did with the other parent. We were teens and young adults with all this going on as well.

I would attempt to take the high road and think “good, I’m glad she’s being nice to my daughter as it’s frankly the least she can do” and be kind to your daughter if she does want to talk about her.