Anger, Husband, Pregnancy

[AnyaLavrov002]

Am I in the wrong to be furious at my husband. He is refusing to pay for my close friend to have IVF because in his mind she waited 10 years too long to try! We're wealthy, it won't affect us financially and it will give my friend what she so desperately wants with her husband.
He has outright refused despite the fact we live in a beautiful home with some beautiful land all paid for. It is not a financial thing so I don't understand the spitefulness. I adore him, he has given me and our four boys the world but I cry for my friend.
I was stupid and told her we would pay before speaking with my husband, she is excited and I don't want to crush her dreams! He has refused to speak about it for two days and has stayed in his games room with the boys. My friend is 36 years old and time is not good for her.
She had one IVF cycle on the NHS and it didn't work, her and her husband don't have fertility problems or none that was discovered. I want her to have what we have and cherish so bad!

She's made bad decisions though so it's not a matter of deserving.

Do it from your own money I guess is the only way to proceed.

yes me. Spent my whole life childless. Nobody "deserves children"

this thread is one of these
OP:AIBU
MN: yes
OP: no I am not.

I actually can't imagine being in the friend's position and agreeing to accept this amount of money. It makes me wonder if the friendship is mostly rooted in OP being very generous.

Pay for it out of your own earnings? What a ridiculous post.

Got to admit if money was not an issue I would fund one attempt. I’d be clear that that was it. So not necessarily yabu

However I do agree that you should have spoken to your husband first, that was hugely disrespectful to him and you need to sincerely apologise. You have put him in an awful position tbh and he’s rightly very angry.

Your friend also needs to go for counselling before anything else… to come to terms with the fact that she may never have her own child and if she wants to consider alternatives to being a mother or not.

Why is she having IVF if neither of them have fertility problems? How did she have IVF on the NHS if this is the case? She's either lying or you are.

Because you are. massively overstepping, taking the piss out of your husband.

Lucky old you. I'm skint, would you like my details.

I don't blame him!

You were absolutely out of line offering money that isn't yours on something that will probably be a total waste of time.

This can’t be real.

Dear OP,

only came to thread now, have only read your posts. I understand your disappointment. I am not sure this is about IVF.

The question is at what point do you have to be in agreement on how to spend your family income, whether it is for fun, life essentials or charity. He might be the one bringing most of it it, but it is still be family money, which can be spent to a certain extent by either of you without asking for permission. Or does your DH expect to have the final word because he is bringing in the majority of it?
No one would argue if you alone decided to spend on a drink, a t-shirt, something charitable like buying a big issue. Obviously one partner should not just go out an buy a ferrari, loads of expensive jewelry, ...

But where is limit? 1 % of the monthly income? Or are there just some things both have to agree on, like which political parties to support?

I don't know the answer in this case.

Hi OP! 👋
I haven't RTFT just your replies.

i understand that you wish to help your old pal, which is very noble but you can't promise such a big financial gift without checking with your hubby first.
If my husband promised his friend a large sum without my knowledge I wouldn't be happy.
Anything like that (regardless of what the money is for) should be agreed together.
I think you acted rashly in that respect. 💯

Moving forward, has she explored other options?
Would gestational surrogacy (a surrogate carries pals egg, fertilised by her DH sperm) be an option at all?
Would you be a gestational surrogate for her? 🤔
@AnyaLavrov002

I think you’re upset because it turns out your husband’s values aren’t what you thought. People will happily talk about redistribution of wealth, tackling inequality etc. but in reality don’t have the generosity to see that through.

We recently gave our old car to an acquaintance who needed one and couldn’t really afford to buy. We’re not massively high earners but secure and further in our careers whereas she is a young single mum just starting out. We probably could have sold it for 1000€ but in the end, you should live your values. It was a joint decision with DP - I think you were wrong not to check first - but I knew he would agree before I suggested it.

I’ve been surprised at how many people are surprised we gave the car away. Tbh I thought helping out the next generation was just what people did if they had the means. That’s the example our parents set us. I hope she’ll do a similar thing once she’s in our position.

Christ don't give her ideas. IVF is hard enough but surrogacy is a whole other level of ethical considerations. She'll be promising her eggs and womb to friend next without a thought for how that impacts on the friendship and existing family.

Fertility issues are a minefield and these things need a great deal of thought and sensitivity, not the kind of unthinking promise over coffee the OP favours, thinking she's all heart and getting furious with anyone who sensibly disagrees.

It’s called unexplained infertility. It’s most likely that there is a problem but it’s not something they can diagnose with the basic tests, or is more of a ‘hidden’ cause that they can’t test for. So on paper everything looks fine but in reality it’s not.

Lots of things can be true at the same time.

• she can be a nice person that you’ve known a long time and want to help
• infertility is absolutely awful
• you have, as a couple, money to spare
• offering to spend large amounts of your joint money without any discussion is reckless and stupid
• your DH has every right to say he’d rather not spend it this way, and every right to be upset that you offered without a discussion

the posters saying they think you have been foolish are not making a value judgement on your friend’s worthiness, your friendship or discounting the pain of infertility, they’re saying that you’ve been hasty in offering to pay without a proper discussion with your DH.

With your hubby on this you should of discussed it with him before telling your friend you's would pay for it

As someone who couldn’t start trying till 36 and then took 5 years to conceive I think it was a lovely generous offer. Why shouldn’t someone use their wealth to get help those around them, what a pleasure. Sure maybe it’s your husbands family money but you married him surely it’s now your money too. Does he give you a budget or anything g? (I dunno how high wealth works) but could you take it out of your own budget?

It's always easy for someone who doesn't earn the money to be generous with it, because they don't really appreciate the graft that usually goes into that and are just used to having things given to them. That's fine between you and your DH if that's how you roll, but you can't give away money that he has earned without his agreement. Of course he is not happy about this.

😂Or perhaps put your husband forward as a donor , it won't cost anything .

@AnyaLavrov002 surely you could get a £8k no interest credit card? Any handbags to sell? It's possibly a months interest on the money you jointly have? I can see why you'd want to do it. It's actually just like any of us would treat a struggling friend to a decent meal/night out, or a perfume. If he would have given the money when she was 26, but won't at 36, that's cruel, but a lot of men think churning out a baby is nothing, because they don't have to do it. I'd make it work so you can help.

If you’re rich rich and can afford it without a second thought I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable to offer to help your friend of over 30 years. I think it’s natural to want to help if you can, it’s horrible to see someone you love suffer.

However, I don’t think it’s as straightforward as it may seem initially, IVF isn’t always successful and you may feel obligated to offer further funding or there could be resentment if they have to stop due to money with no baby at the end. I don’t think you were wrong to offer full stop but think it would have been wise to take a pause and think it through before offering in the moment.

I don’t think you are a control freak. I do think you’ve been extremely foolish in your actions. Put your DH and your family first. Don’t carry on with this ridiculous mistake.