Anger, Husband, Pregnancy

[AnyaLavrov002]

Am I in the wrong to be furious at my husband. He is refusing to pay for my close friend to have IVF because in his mind she waited 10 years too long to try! We're wealthy, it won't affect us financially and it will give my friend what she so desperately wants with her husband.
He has outright refused despite the fact we live in a beautiful home with some beautiful land all paid for. It is not a financial thing so I don't understand the spitefulness. I adore him, he has given me and our four boys the world but I cry for my friend.
I was stupid and told her we would pay before speaking with my husband, she is excited and I don't want to crush her dreams! He has refused to speak about it for two days and has stayed in his games room with the boys. My friend is 36 years old and time is not good for her.
She had one IVF cycle on the NHS and it didn't work, her and her husband don't have fertility problems or none that was discovered. I want her to have what we have and cherish so bad!

This. We're you day dreaming Op that it all works and forever more this woman introduces you to new people with " And this is X ,she helped us fulfill our dreams" and everyone weeps ( attractively of course) and gives you a little round of applause.

Surely this can’t be real? You’re insane to think it’s okay for you volunteer to pay for your friends fertility treatment without discussing it with your dh first. (And yes I’m someone who has had fertility treatment). It’s such a huge moral responsibility and carries such huge implications, not just financial. What if it doesn’t work? Are you just going to keep funding cycles? How will you cut her off at some point? Or do you just keep going? What if it turns out her eggs / his sperm isn’t usable and they have to use a donar, or is this already a thing? What if it all blows up in your face? It’s all just very weird and you haven’t thought it through at all.

I don’t understand all the judgemental replies. Are all these comments writing off all motherhood age 36 and over? If so my DC, myself, my mother and my grandmother shouldn’t exist.

@AnyaLavrov002 what you’ve tried to do is lovely and compassionate. Does your DH ignore your opinion on other matters, financial or otherwise? It doesn’t sound like he is taking the idea or partnership very literally. More than his unkind views on motherhood I’d be concerned about his disempowerment of you - silencing your opinion with his shutdown and dominating the financial decision.

Yes, you are wrong to be furious with your husband. You should never have made the offer to your friend before consulting him - I would be furious with you if I were your DH. How wealthy he is doesn't come into it and as others have said, what if it doesn't work? Is your husband expected to keep funding the IVF? What if it doesn't work at all, what an incredible waste of money.

You have 4 children. Even if you literally have a million lying round in spare cash as opposed to tied up in property or other assets, wouldn't you be prioritising giving them the money ahead of a friend?

Your children are clearly used to a very affluent lifestyle. A million split four ways won't go as far as they would like towards a similar one for themselves.

I dont think you are a control freak but you should have discussed it with DH before making such a big commitment. As PPs have said, it could take several rounds to become pregnant if at all.
You obviously pledged this out of care and compassion for your dear friend but I do agree that you shouldn't have jumped the gun x

Your DH is not the person who's behaved badly here.

This seems like a very odd thread! Is this for real? Are you actually the friend?

She would never be able to afford to do the same for you if she can't do it for herself so that's an irrelevant statement.
Sadly no one deserves to have anything they can't personally afford. If you were buying a friend a car out of your own money ( not your husbands) then that's a decision for you and is a physical object you can gift and is entirely achievable in a specific time frame. Gifting the dream of a baby to someone else is not within your power. IVF is rarely 1 and done so how many cycles are you funding? If you think its cruel to fail to fund 1 at all then how much crueller would it be to say no if the first 1 fails/ works but only a chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. You are trying to gift someone a dream that may not ever be possible for them. It will probably destroy the friendship.

It probably won't give your friend what she wants, you know - IVF usually doesn't work.

What next - you tell your friends your DH will pay when they have a car breakdown / need a new boiler / have a painful medical condition and want to go private / whatever else?

He's supporting a family of six (pretty generously by the sound of it) - he's entitled to get ticked off when you take the mick. It's normal for a married couple to act like all money is their money, regardless of who earns it, and to be used for the benefit of the whole family. It's not normal for the lower earner (or non earner) to think they can hand out the other person's earnings to their friends.

Very foolish to offer money you don’t have individual control of. Your husband has every right to be annoyed. But if what you’re saying about his reasoning is true, then he’s not a particularly nice person. He’s judging your friend for trying to start a family at what he considers the ‘wrong’ time, ie too late. If this is his only reason for not financing your friend’s IVF, if he would have done so a few years ago, then I would be wondering how I had been married to such a controlling arsehole without noticing before. It’s not as if she wants money to buy cocaine or run a brothel.

I suffered fertility issues for almost ten years and I wouldn’t expect this nor would I accept. It would create such a power imbalance in your relationship. IVF can costs tens of thousands of pounds and you’re still not guaranteed a baby at the end of it.

YABU to promise this without your husband being on board. I would be furious if my DH made such a big commitment to a friend without talking to me first. If you’re so set on this is there a way you could pay out of your own money and leave your husband out of it?

Looks like you are going to be funding her IVF yourself! Why would you make such a promise without consulting your husband first? You might be well off but it could still cost 20k for IVF if repeated goes are needed.

You are in the wrong here, offering before you had actually discussed it with your husband, who by the sounds of it would be expected to fund it from his money. Do you generally spend other people's money like this without asking first?

This. I struggled to conceive with each of my 3 children, and once hypothyroidism had been identified and medicated for, there was no obvious cause. Equally my DH had really awful sperm analysis results 12 years ago (which made us assume ICSI would be the only way) and yet I had 5 pregnancies, resulting in 3 children, all conceived naturally, even if they took 16 months, 12 months and over 3 years, respectively. I was 33, 35 and 43 when they were born. This is all a bit rambling, but I just mean to say your friend should resign herself to childlessness just yet. I also know a couple of friends who had natural second pregnancies after needing IVF for their first. Life is a funny thing.

I can't imagine anyone, male or female, who wouldn't be very annoyed that their spouse had offered to fund something so expensive without consulting with them first. Nothing to do with "not very modern" - even if it is joint money one couple doesn't promise a huge sum without discussion.

You are very wrong to be furious. You want to play lady bountiful but your DH, and your friend and the rest of us are living in the real world. Your friend will 100% have not expected you to gift this and will understand your DH not doing. It's only you whose on another planet.

So take the anger out of it and wrap your head around the very normal fact that your friend will manage her own fertility issues and it's your job to be there to support her, not to wave a magic wand that might not even work.

Money in such amounts can easily ruin friendships anyway and you're already letting it cause issues in your marriage. Try to see the bigger picture instead of getting indignant thinking just because you're rich you can do whatever you want.

Why should OP apologise for talking to her husband at all? Are there some out of bounds topics that a wife should never suggest to her husband? A marriage is exactly that, a partnership ; OP you are not wrong for asking your husband, just like he is not wrong for saying no. Not wrong but not nice either if he is as comfortable well-off as you make him to be...Unless you can come up with the money yourself, then I am afraid you will have to come clean to your friend and explain you may have spoken in earnest but cannot fulfill her dream. As an aside what a lovely friend you are, it is rare to truly cherish and nurture a 32 year old friendship :)

Pay for it out of money you earned @AnyaLavrov002 you DH is objecting to you promising his own earned money on your friend which is his prerogative.
I think it is lovely you want to help your friend but you can’t force your husband to feel the same. One round of IVF wouldn’t be too expensive for you to find yourself but if you spend money that your DH has accumulated then it could cost you your marriage.

You have four kids, just give her one of yours!

I was a single parent for several years. I went from having a financially reasonably comfortable life to watching every penny. Friends gifted us furniture and handed down clothes to me and my children. It was all kindly meant but I hated having to be in that position. It completely changed the power balance.Your friend would be in a far,far more awkward position if you gift something at that level of cost. What if they need more tests than normal or other 'add ons' that cost and cost and cost.Is she going to have the horror of asking for more from you ( your husband) or trying to scrape it together herself she's on this roller coaster of hell.

Judging by how immature OP's responses are, I suspect her husband does not think it would be a "financial drop in the ocean".

On paper, I could be considered a millionaire, but I consider myself comfortable, not wealthy. Practically, it means I own a nice (but normal sized) house and I can afford a holiday abroad every second year. I certainly could not afford IVF for a friend!

Your DH thinks your friend has left it too late and he may be worried that you would want to keep paying for many rounds which would be very costly. Find out what one round of IVF would cost first and you might find you can come up with it yourself or say to DH what if we just paid for one round and if it does fail then that’s it.

I would give her the money.

They have had one round on the NHS but have decided they can't afford one round of IVF themselves? No credit available, not able to take out a loan, no help from parents on either side, no savings at all? I assume they both work. Are you sure both of them really want a baby? I understand it is expensive but most people do have some options if they really want something. Asking/accepting money from a friend is usually the last resort. It sounds a bit like they are thinking 'we won't risk our own savings but if Anyalavrov's husband is paying for it then why not give it a go?'

@AnyaLavrov002 You are very kind OP and I'm sorry for some responses you have gotten here.
Look, why don't you just tell husband that you have decided to finance ONE round of Ivf for your friend with YOUR money. And that he take the same amount and donate to a charity he supports/spend it on a hobby/gifts/whatever.