He brang my daughter's sex life in an argument - feel sick - what to do?? Handhold please

[SavageStoneAge]

Need to vent somewhere as can't talk to family and friends as it is so disturbing / disgusting.

I have been with "D"P for 2 years. It has not been plain sailing. He has been abusive to me, mostly verbal but really vicious things.

I said, in desperation really, that if DD (who's 23) told me her boyfriend treated her like he treats me I would tell her to end it. Because he just couldn't see how the latest thing he had said, to upset me, was so nasty.

He replied saying if "I had a son I would also tell him to get the fuck out [if son was treated badly by someone like me] but I would be a good father and not go out and get drunk with my son and let him fuck like rabbits with 2 or 3 men in a month. Thank God I will never be a father and I won't leave another monster behind 👹, who doesn't have a sense of reality 🥰🫶"

I just feel absolutely sick. It is true I have gone out with DD and had a few drinks. But she is 23!!!! And he knew she split up with her long-term high-school boyfriend, dated someone else, then ended up with her current partner, who's lovely. But what is freaking me out is the way he references my daughter "fucking like a rabbit". It's just so abhorrent to me. He's met her, and they've been cordial. And all the while he has been secretly judging her.

Also implicitly calling me a monster and saying I am leaving behind another one (IE, my DD).
I don't know what to do now. Every time I look at DD I feel sick thinking about what he has said about her. I had mentioned her relationship changes in passing because we are very close; but not in any detail.

Please, I need help with how to proceed. I am shaken and devastated. I am seeing him in a totally new light.

Cut up his credit cards and take photos so you have dated proof of you destroying them. Can you put his keys through his letterbox at a time he’s unlikely to be in? Or ask someone you know but he doesn’t to do it? Or post them? Not his problem if he can’t be bothered to pick them up.

And make sure you get your mother to block him and delete his contacts.

Lastly I fear revenge porn
Revenge porn is a crime. If he does put anything online go straight to the police.

Revenge porn is taken very seriously and he will go to prison. So glad you have realised he is a loser and getting rid.

I'd never tell her and I am not going to stay with him now. I was already ending things when he made those remarks about her. That was like the final thing that has made me feel like this is the right (((ONLY))) decision.

He makes me feel nauseous.

For those asking why did I put up with it so long?

I guess it was a combination of ...

• him being nice most of the time
• him saying he would change and then he would for a bit / for months
• boundaries being eroded gradually - he didn't say "hey I am abusive and have weird ideas about sex" on the first date.. It was gradual
• it being just the two of us for the vast majority of the time so my friends / family didn't see him much and then when they did he was on his best behaviour. Not seeing him when he was being nasty
• there were many legitimately lovely times we spent together
• me being a terrible judge of character / not good at reading people
• fear of being alone. Feel stupid admitting this because I am proud 😓 but it is true. My marriage ended horribly, exHusband rinsed me financially, a few dates went nowhere, etc.

I would recommend requesting a Clare’s Law disclosure, just in case there is some knowledge there about what you might be dealing with, and regardless of that if there is any behaviour that concerns you log it with the police. I know in some cases it’s best to leave one method of comms unblocked so you know what you’re dealing with and avoid him coming to you, and it can also be a good idea to make clear in a message that you wish to end contact (easier to then see if harassment is going on to police, should it come to that).

I guess I just wanted to vent and get perspective that what he said really is that bad. I do of course know this and I think PP is also right that he probably / almost certainly judged all women in this way. He is always referencing his "conservative" background.
Because I can't share what he said in real life because it is too upsetting for my friends and especially family to hear.

I have just said that things ended because he crossed a line. My family and friends do know about his sharp tongue and other horrible things he has said. So they know this thing was reeeeeally bad.

Also as I say I worry about revenge porn.

I would probably go to his address when he’s out and video yourself posting his keys and cards through his letterbox. For the revenge porn, has he actually already threatened you with this

Follow the advice you would give your DD

https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/online-safety/online-safety/non-consensual-intimate-image-abuse-revenge-porn/
Please read this and seek police help if you feel able.

Funnily enough during the dragged out argument we were having over text because I couldn't face talking to him I said I am not a dog you keep kicking and it comes back for more.

I feel utterly ridiculous for trying to reason with him; I really thought he had changed, we were talking about getting counselling for couples but I think it can actually enable abusive men because they just learn the lingo and we made a list of all the things we didn't like about each other and torn them up. MY LIST WAS DIFFERENT TO HIS THOUGH.

I had said stop saying mean stuff because you were mad but then as soon as I said I don't want him to come to hospital with me that was when he reverted to type. And I had only said that because he accused me of spending time with the exHusband I am so scared of which he knows was abusive to me.

Just leave him and block.

No we don't live together thank goodness. He was really pushing for us to move in together but I kept stalling as I felt if he moved in he would just take over.

You can’t stay with someone forever because you are frightened of what they will do. He’s a horrible, abusive POS and you deserve better than him. If he goes down the revenge porn route then you need to report him to the police.

Oh and I blocked his email too. Not that anyone sends emails anymore!!!!!!!

Just leave.

Abuse is NOT a relationship issue, it’s about power and control. This individual wanted absolute over you.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Your boundaries, likely already skewed by previous abuse, have been further eroded by this msn. Be on your own and do not enter into any further relationship until your boundaries are a lot healthier.

Enrol yourself into the Freedom Programme and read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Don't let him back in, no matter how nice and apologetic he appears.

Do not hesitate to contavct the police at even a hint of aggression or anything vengeful.

Ask for the Duty Sargent/Inspector if you contact the police.
Do not be afraid to contact them and report him.

Filthy bullies like him don't like being reported.

Would you do a Clare's Law request too?

You could send him a text, telling him you will leave his belongings at the Beautician's and ask he does the same with yours.

Tell him it is over and not to contact you ever again.

Well done.

Completely agree. Why do so many women seem so desperate for a relationship, no matter how bad it is?

Two years into a relationship that hasn’t been plain sailing and has resulted in ‘mostly’ verbal abuse, really what is the point? Relationships are meant to be about love, support, fun, companionship etc, not lurching from one argument to another being treated like rubbish.

Dump him.

He gave me flowers too... why do they always think this makes them look charming? For the same reason they think ignoring abusiveness and scoring a cheap stupid language point makes them look rational and superior?

No reputable couples counsellor would take on a couple where there was an abusive dynamic, though, for precisely that reason -- that it enables further abuse.

24 month relationship, no kids, not cohabiting... no need for couples counselling, just bin the nasty bastard.