Would you continue dating a man who has a child he doesn't see?

[VelvetPetals11]

I’ve recently started seeing a man in his late 20s and there’s something he told me that’s left me feeling quite conflicted. I’d really appreciate some opinions.

Sorry, this is going to be a long one, but I wanted to include as much detail as possible so people have the full picture.

We both live in the US, although he’s originally from the UK. We’ve only been on one date so far, but it went really well. He’s a little shy, but lovely to talk to, has a good job and seems to have his life together. We have loads in common, similar interests and values, and seem to want the same things in life. I genuinely haven’t met someone I’ve clicked with like this in a while.

However, during our date he told me he has a son back in the UK who he hasn’t seen for six years.

Obviously that caught me off guard, so I asked him about it.

He explained that when his son was conceived, he was in a really bad place. He was severely addicted to alcohol, drinking almost every day and regularly blacking out. His mental health wasn’t good either, and he wasn’t remotely ready to become a dad.

He said the relationship with his ex wasn’t particularly healthy. Apparently she’d often spoken about wanting a baby, including saying she wanted one so she’d never be alone, and had told him she didn’t think she could get pregnant.

He said looking back at that time is difficult, especially because he was drunk so much of the time. But he didn’t accuse her of trapping him or anything like that.

One thing I did respect was that he said he doesn’t believe in speaking badly about someone he once loved, even if things ended badly. He acknowledged that he’d made plenty of mistakes himself.

Anyway, they separated, she eventually got into another relationship and told him she didn’t want their son knowing who his biological father was.

He never went through the courts to try to establish contact, which is probably the part I’m struggling with most.

His explanation was that he was in a terrible place mentally at the time and was frightened of making an already complicated situation worse. He later moved abroad to start a new life, and between getting sober, rebuilding his life and establishing himself in another country, the years went by.

He also worries that suddenly reappearing in his son’s life after so long could potentially cause more harm than good, especially if his mother is against it.

However, he told me he’s been thinking about his son a lot recently and is looking into speaking to a solicitor to understand his options and whether trying to establish contact would be in his son’s best interests.

He does pay child maintenance.

He also told me he writes birthday and Christmas cards and letters to his son, even though he can’t currently give them to him. He keeps them in case his son ever wants to know him in the future.

He also puts money aside in a separate savings account for him.

When he was talking about his son, he became noticeably quieter and seemed genuinely upset about the situation. I didn’t get the impression he was proud of how things had turned out.

He’s now been sober for five years, has a good career and seems to have completely turned his life around.

We also spoke about what we want from life. He said he’d love to get married and have a family one day, but wouldn’t rush into having children. He’d only want to do that in a stable, loving relationship where both people were completely ready and genuinely wanted it.

He made it clear that he doesn’t see his son as a mistake. He just wishes the circumstances had been different and that he’d been in a better place when he became a father.

So this is where I’m torn.

On one hand, I really like him. He seems kind, thoughtful and genuinely lovely to be around. We have so much in common, and I admire the fact that he was upfront about something that obviously doesn’t paint him in the best light.

On the other hand, he has a son he hasn’t seen for six years, and I can’t pretend that doesn’t bother me.

I know people can change, especially after overcoming something as serious as addiction, but I also wonder what this might mean if we eventually got married and had children ourselves.

Would you be willing to look at the person he’s become, or would the lack of contact with his son be too much of a red flag?

Would you continue getting to know him?

I’d really appreciate some honest opinions.

Seconded. Abuse is inherent in addiction. There is often extensive concealment of the addiction (part of the abuse) so the real extent of the problem is often hidden from the partner until a crisis forces it into the open.

Blaming the man for leaving when he made it clear he didn’t want children is pretty wild too.
Surely it is up to both to try not to get pregnant?
This is just pure one sidedness.
If reverse misogyny is a thing it’s saturating this thread.
The woman wanted a baby with an alcoholic with big mental health problems it’s pretty clear she has her set of issues. A great mother I very much doubt.

At least the guys gone away to try to get better from his problems.
The woman decided to cover them up by having a child and because she didn’t want to be alone.
That’s not selfish though, course not.

You were the first person to mention violence and abuse. You spoke of your fear that it would happen to this man's Ex and child if he didn't leave. Then you spoke of your own personal experience.

I agreed with you and pointed out that it is the most common dynamic where you have a mentally ill, addicted man and a pregnant partner, newborn child.

The fact he's a gaslighting fucker who hasn't done a thing for his kid since the child was born is also pertinent.

I’m pretty sure I said ‘violence between them’ not just directed at her.
The woman was desperate for a child to cover up her own problems.
Just about the most selfish thing you can do. That’s normalised and accepted sadly while absent fathers are scum.
My own experience was that my mum was quite violent towards my father and after he left she was let’s say a very heavy drinker without being what I’d call an alcoholic but they were both not happy, partly due to quite a big age gap.
When this selfish woman in the op decided she wanted to have a child there was no scenario that could be good for that child.

You know nothing about her except she is solely responsible for the child and has been since he was born.

You also know the father of her child is a mentally ill alcoholic who lives thousands of miles away and has never had anything to do with his child. But is now using him to gaslight single women in the country he wants a green card in.

The guy has LOSER running through him like a stick of rock.

Lots of people who don’t want kids nonetheless step up when they actually have one, particularly if they recognise their own carelessness was the cause of the pregnancy.

Reverse misogyny isn’t a thing, but good try. You’ve vilified the mother who - again, is parenting her child apparently without complaint and without any wish for involvement from the man who didn’t want the child - despite knowing nothing more about her than that she wanted kids and her partner had issues, the extent of which may well not have been apparent to her.

I knew my ex wasn’t good with money; what I didn’t know was that he had a spending addiction running to tens of thousands of dollars a year, because he worked very hard to keep that a secret from me. The OP’s date may well have been concealing the extent of his issues from his ex, as is incredibly common in addiction.

Did you put your back out with that stretch lad?
🤣🤣🤣

I've read your later posts, OP. I was i initially inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt on the basis that everyone deserves a second chance. But you now say he wants to move to the US permanently. In my mind that is totally incompatible with parenting a child in the UK. For me, it'd be time to move on.

I just wanted to add to this observation that this has been noticed since the Ancient Greeks documented their societies. It was probably much the same before that, too. Young people like to form their own ideas and many of us forget how wild those can be and how frustrated this makes us. There are always some people, old and young who are outliers and their behaviour is more extreme than that of others.

Further, I have noticed that mothers almost always see themselves as parenting, whether or not they are in the same physical space as their child.

"Further, I have noticed that mothers almost always see themselves as parenting, whether or not they are in the same physical space as their child."

Why are you just criticising mothers? Have you not noticed any fathers doing this too, or is your noticing restricted to women? Given that this is a thread about a man who claimed the best thing he could do for his child was sod off thousands of miles away, it's interesting that you're now criticising mothers who are not "in the same physical space as their child".

Apologies @Acalmerkarma , I realise I've liked several of your posts on this thread and you've made some great points. I'm just feeling very sensitive to criticism of women who are presumably doing their best for their children in difficult circumstances, after reading pages of it on this thread. The troll on the thread has really wound me up.

I can't have explained that very well.

I was trying to say that I think that when mothers are away from their children, such as shopping or at work, they still see themselves as actively parenting. This was meant to be complimentary as I feel (at least from my own experience) that whether my children are at school, at home or wherever they might be, I am still responsible for parenting them. I have friends who seem like good parents who think similarly.

In case the other part was unclear, I was trying to show that people have always remarked on how the younger generation is more problematic than they were in their youth.

Don't worry, I keep trying to disengage from the thread too because it's a giant trigger, but it is drawing me back in!

Actually, it makes all of us ‘right’. This is more a case of differences so there is no sense going on a full tear down on another poster because their experience is the polar opposite of yours.

This does absolutely make sense. I'm sorry for misreading you! I agree with you that parenting continues even when you're not actively doing something specific with or for your child.

This thread has been extremely triggering for me too. I also keep telling myself to ignore it, stop looking at it, but then here I am back again.

I hope you have a calm and happy week 💐

I was trying to say that I think that when mothers are away from their children, such as shopping or at work, they still see themselves as actively parenting.

I think it is the same for men who take on parental responsibilities too. As a working mother, I would work overtime just so I could get the DC the drama classes or summer pony camp they wanted. I think fathers must surely do the same? (The good ones).

You have had one date with him. He sounds as though he has overcome great obstacles in his life and you have a lot in common with him. Why not just enjoy the relationship for what it is now and get to know him? There may be things about your past that he finds uncomfortable, it will come as a surprise to many Mumsnetters but women are not always perfect and overcome struggles themselves to lead a better life.
take your time, be cautious before you make up your mind. Stop running to meet trouble.

I'm pleased, it was a comment made in appreciation of good parenting, although I have seen this being an attitude of mothers rather than fathers! That might say more about my experiences though!

I think this thread has triggered a lot of us because it lays bare some of the attitudes used by men, against women. It is enough to make anyone angry.

I hope you have a lovely week too 🌷

Why on earth should she complain when she wanted the kid and then blocked his dad from seeing him?

His ex sounds much more manipulative than him.
Sounds like the best thing he could have done for him and his son was going away.

Who said anything about the mother complaining? No one. Meanwhile the dad who abandoned his kid, is whining like a pissy wee bitch to women he dates.🙄

He mentioned he had a kid and then explained what happened.
He talked about his addiction.
He could have said nothing if he was such a bad man, could he not? Op would never find out about his son or his addiction.

I had an alcoholic father and it was worse than no father imho. It is not just what alcoholic parents do- the mood swings, the passing out in the bathtub, the vomit, spilled drink, and empty bottles and cans, the decisions to play loud music or trash a room at 3am on a school night, the ignoring you, driving you when they are drunk. It is also what they do not do. Alcoholic parents are often neglectful- they forget to feed you, they cannot be bothered to keep a clean or tidy home, they do not do laundry, they never walk you to school, they forget to collect you from school, they never show up at school for any parent evenings or plays and you don’t want them to because they will be there with the stench of alcohol coming off them in waves and be bumbling around, too loud, and too fake jolly.

The man in the OP did the right thing staying away at the mother’s request and now he has got himself sober and employed he is doing the respectful thing to request contact via a legal firm to the mother instead of just gate crashing their lives.

Except hes not contacted anyone. He's THOUGHT about it, maybe, but managed to sort out a move to the US when sober. For himself. He's a waste of space from every angle.

I would not want this man. I feel sorry for OP thinking she does.

He moved to the US to get the fresh start before he got sober. Moving is less effort than beating an addiction.

Besides getting sober does take years. I would not classify an alcoholic as sober until their time not drinking anything was at least 2 years.

He later moved abroad to start a new life, and between getting sober, rebuilding his life and establishing himself in another country, the years went by.

It is ok you would not want to take the risk and date this man. But OP really likes him and I think proceeding with caution is a good option for her. They are both very young and the one thing people do is they change. Some change for the worse, others for the better.