The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Lilaclane I think there’s a few issues going on. He doesn’t sound like he’s healed from the affair. I always think an affair is the worst way to treat someone. The breakdown of trust is just so immense. It requires a lot of work to get over and I suspect he isn’t there. It sounds like he’s still quite entwined with her family also, I’m still on good terms with my ex’s family however I’ve had little expectations of them since we broke up and am just pleased we’ve all wanted to keep things positive. The drug issue and not fighting for his child is another issue. How old is the child, there’s all sorts of issues such as is she using when she has the child? Are the drugs kept safely away so the child can’t get to them? Are there other drug users around the child? How and where is she buying them? No way as a parent would I be happy with ex using and not doing anything about it.

Oh and I hear you about the high standards comments from friends. Why shouldn’t we have high standards just because of our age. I think those comments come from people who can’t be on their own. I’m quite happy on my own but would like to meet someone IF they add to my life. If they don’t then why would I want them around.

i started my online dating profile a couple of nights ago, I’ve had a decent amount of likes - how many is normal??? But none from people I’d be interested in. I just don’t think I’m giving anyone a chance to even get to the potential chatting stage. Is this what happens when you’re new to it all? It’s either - I don’t like motorbikes so no, he has a photo of his child’s face on his profile no, topless photo no.

For context, I was with my ex for 20 years, 10 of those I’d say weren’t happy. I didn’t date before ex. I’ve always had very low self esteem for someone so picky so I think that is what is actually going on.

Oh definitely be picky. And fwiw I agree with you about children on profiles. It's sort of ok if they've obscured their face, but i still don't entirely like it and ones where the child is basically the centre of the dating profile gives me the proper ick

My ex went on and on about one of his exes (she lived over the road). Playing second fiddle to an ex is no fun.

Ignore likes, men often swipe right on everyone, regardless of whether they're 300 miles away or whatever.

You might like to look at Burned Haystack dating method.

Bare chests and kids in profiles are a no from me, as are pics with women in them - yes these guys are so tone deaf they will post their ex on a dating site!

yep. he won't admit to being fixated on it but he is. a friend of mine couldn't believe that Lax still lived in the same property that they jointly owned when they were are couple - and that he wouldn't be chomping to move on (as everyone is suggesting he do). Friend was indignant on my behalf given the woman has a set of keys and has let herself in on occasion, thankfully whilst I've not been around.

What makes this easier for me is knowing that 5 years from now he'll still be in that property with its nightmare neighbours, bitching about how hard done by he was/is and pushing 50. I will hopefully be on to much nicer things.

@Nosdacariad Thanks I’ll look into burned haystack dating method.

@Lilaclane That is odd. I’m in the old family home, I bought ex out and it’s perfect for the kids. But within a week I’d made sure he didn’t have a key and have put very strong boundaries in place to stop him coming into the house, well I’ve tried but he sometimes doesn’t follow them. If I could have afforded a similar sized home around here as what I’m in, I would have moved for a fresh start. And if the kids weren’t so attached. Like you say, he’ll be hung up and bitching about his life for years to come as he isn’t accepting the issues, you’ll be onto bigger and better.

I have come across a few profiles today where they are clearly with an ex and either have their whole or half their face left in the photo 🤯

Also so many selfies lying in bed or with a pillow half over their face 🤮

Honestly I’ve only been back on the apps a day and it’s annoying AF already

It’s giving me some stories to tell though. There was one man who had a fully dressed woman tied up in rope demonstrating his kink. Oddly I’d read a smutty book on that kink recently so I found it helpful to visualise 😂

The photos of them in bed are a massive turn off “Do I want to wake up to that? No”. It’s also so obvious that some men are using photos from 15 years ago. One fella even had a photo dated 1998 on his profile. It’s so hard work.

I finally blocked Mr Lax. A further message from him would have achieved nothing and the wisdom on this thread - and elsewhere - has given me the prod I needed. Onwards to more dubious and hopefully fun/hilarious dates with men who have less baggage than Heathrow.

Looking forward to discussing these with you all and now I can read your updates instead of wallowing.

Well done 🌟

Hi all divorced, done quite a bit of dating but had a break from the apps for a few months but wondering whether to go back on - does hinge still require a lot of writing?

Welcome! No more than the other apps 😁

February is not too far away which is good.
And you're super woman for getting all that sorted!

How can we get you through the next few months?
Has he taken all his stuff from the house?
Can you change anything small to make it more your home than 'our' home? I know some people change their bedrooms round and get new bedding.

Oh wow, that's such decisive action. Well done!
Onwards and upwards.

When I ended things I did mine as a knee jerk reaction (to something that overstepped a boundary) and felt great about it for a few days and then reality hit and the grief came.

I had similar recently. I think it's normal to second guess yourself when you're the one who decided.

I've come to realise that just because I'm grieving and I'm sad doesnt make it the wrong decision...

I met up with the ex a few weeks ago to discuss things and see if friendship could work going forward - lets just say it ended really badly and I 100% know I made the right decision. It put me back in a sad state for a few days but I've come out the other side.

And this came up on Instagram today which is a really helpful reminder - www.instagram.com/p/DeQEllTDx68/?img_index=4&psln=eDRxMzNrbnBhNXRi

Bless you. Yes. All his stuff is gone. I redecorated my bedroom immediately - that was the first DIY I did.
I got kittens this summer which have helped immensely - new family members that are part of me-and-the-kids family only.

I fell asleep before 9.30 last night and slept through u til 7am. Maybe I was tired and that's why I felt so broken yesterday, or maybe the brokeness made me tired. Who knows?
I appreciate this thread so much.

A funny thing I was musing on recently... when i was dating in my teens and early 20s, before I met my husband, I remember strongly feeling like "will anyone want me? Will they think im good enough"

Whereas now it's very much the opposite where I am 98% convinced I'm a fucking catch (because nobody is perfect) but I'm wondering if I'm going to find anybody who's good enough.

And i think that's part of why dating is so crap in your 40s and onwards, when you know yourself and your worth. Because you know there's bugger all you can do to increase the chances of there being some9ne good enough for you out there, whereas when you're younger and convinced that you're the issue you do at least feel like if you just dye your hair/lose the weight/get a better job/change your clothes etc that might help.

There is, at least, a peace in knowing you are not the problem.

Anyone want to play a game where you list all your good qualities and you're only allowed to put one negative or counter balancing thing in the list? Let's demonstrate what a fucking incredible group of (mostly) women we have on here!

Let's play, though I may struggle!

Yes I’m up for playing it too!

I feel like everyone I’m meeting is either really insecure and so are trying to use dating apps to boost their ego or are so hurt by their breakups they aren’t over it and are too scared to try again, or are so self involved they just want someone to fit in the cracks of their life.

I honestly feel like guys just don’t do as well as women post breakup / divorce?

Ok. I have written my list, but there's a second part - for those of you who use AI on a fairly regular basis write your list in here, post it, then paste that lost into your chatgpt or similar and ask it what positive qualities about yourself have you forgotten. I would love to see your AI lists too, if you're comfortable sharing. I'll post mine in a bit, but for now....

Intelligent and quick witted
Quirky and playful
Funny
Great capacity for joy
Huge capacity for love and emotion
Caring
Curious and interested
Open minded
Physically fit and healthy
Strong
Good figure
Attractive
Well groomed (this matters because i expect the same from my partners)
Gainfully employed and solvent
Ambitious
Hard worker
Self sufficient
Creative
Problem solver
Good cook and baker
Wide ranging interests and hobbies
Strong social network and social life
Good mother
Fabulous dresser with good shoe and lingerie collections (what?! I see this as a positive thing about me!)
Kind
Caring
Confident

Or is it just that they're looking to dating and potential new relationships to fix that rather than going away to heal first?

I definitely think there’s some of that and they buy into an idea that Wonder Woman is going to appear from a dating app and solve all their problems and be magically perfect.

Bit I also thing there’s just massive lack of self awareness and accountability. I don’t think people have to be fully healed to date etc but I do think they need to own their own BS. The last guy I dated said he wanted to meet someone who had their life together etc but his life was the most chaotic shit show I’ve ever seen 🤷‍♀️

It's funny because I was just wondering in a society that centres men, do they suffer less from break ups than women?