The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@CleverOpalBalonz @SortingItOut I totally agree with you.

However, based on my limited knowledge of her, I do believe she's a problem. And I've been out with blokes who leaked bitterness. He doesn't do that, he just.. is preoccupied by the past/her behaviour.

For context she had a very long-term affair and had planned to take their child away with her AP. She's also partial to class A but, again, this has raised qu's for me recently about how complicit he was during their marriage. He strikes me as pretty clean living apart from liking a pint or several.

He seems more obsessed with her family though and how they behaved (equally terribly by all accounts). And i finally lost it with him and told him he needed to move on and stop banging on about it all. He flatly agreed with me and said our time should be about us two. It's been a long old time.

@ThreeMogsAndCounting @Reginablitzing I'm sorry, it takes time and it's hard. I hope you can find something nice to distract yourself with while you ride this out. I found the pain of missing my ex went in cycles, each time was a little less painful. And knowing they're with someone else will help break those mental ties.

@Lilaclane I have to agree with @SortingItOut and @Nosdacariad - anyone who refers to their ex as a witch is showing you what kind of person they are. Which at this early stage, is helpful for you.

@Nosdacariad has Tennis shown initiative in organising other meet ups? Or is it down to you each time? That would irritate me. Or is he perhaps leaving the ball in your court (sorry!) because he doesn't want to look too controlling/over-keen, do you think?

Is he usually more organised or would he normally message the evening before?

If this is different to his normal behaviour I think you should he concerned.
If this is him can you speak to him about scheduling of dates and that you like to have all the details locked in at least 48hrs beforehand

@ThreeMogsAndCounting @Reginablitzing we have all been through this and it's so horrid.

Please tell us as much as you want to about it. Sending virtual hugs 💐💐💐

@Lilaclane sorry I'm so cynical. If SHE is taking class A drugs has HE tried to get the kids 100%?

Do you see what I mean?

Also he sounds like he needs therapy for that break up. You are not his therapist and honestly, this one needs chucking back or at least parking until therapy has been had xxx

@SortingItOut @Chocolatefreak he is usually great. I will tell him as you suggest 😁

Instead of going back on the apps for distraction!!

But even if she is a nightmare he shouldnt talk of others like that...especially an ex..and not to someone he is dating.

I think being preoccupied with her family is not healthy and I'd be inclined to walk away.
It sounds like he hasnt healed from the relationship breakdown and is still holding on to all the things he perceived they did wrong.
I know its hard to move on sometimes but he doesnt sound like he has let it go yet.

I like what @Nosdacariad said about some people might want a relationship but aren't actually any good at it.

Together six years, engaged, joint mortgage. Broke up just over a year ago.
I have two kids, lost of good friends but none that local to me, close relationship with parents and sister, I run, go to the gym, have lots of creative hobbies, one of which has a social and performance aspect.

Im living in the joint house with my kids (from a former relationship, not his) amd fixing it up to sell before the fixed term runs out. He came over a while ago to check some of the electrics out and was going to come back and finish them. I emailed to ask when he was planning to, but also to say that I couldn't be here, because seeing him here in our home was too painful.

Sorry, can't remember what else you asked.

Stay away from the apps......!

I have stupidly messaged an old FWB who contacted me 6 months ago to check in....back then I was in a relationship-lite so we had a chat and moved on but now I'm single I'd quite like to see him!
I bet he's probably in a relationship or dating which would just be my luck

Great minds! I asked him why he didn't go for 100% custody (currently it works out roughly 50/50) and he said he didn't want to blow up his son's life entirely by removing him from her. I hasten to add that she's a recreational user (apparently). But it did occur to me that he was/is too weak willed where she's concerned. And where I'm concerned apparently!

What's weird is that he will never say he loved her or admit to any feeling other than being angry about what she did.

Thats sounds incredibly tough and there is no closure yet due to the house.

I'm pleased you've got quite a full life going on.

Do you think it was the bit about you not being in the house when he comes over as its too painful?
If he ended it he might feel guilty that you're still hurting and is keeping his distance.

Is he an electrician or could you get someone else in? I know it costs money but then you are not waiting in suspense on a reply from him.

Oh yes. What am I doing to heal.

Saw my therapist in the early days. Talked to friends a lot. Wrote a lot. Still write when I need to. Talk to chatgpt. Exercise. Meditate occasionally. Keep busy. And getting this house ready to sell so i'm not surrounded by ghosts and lost hopes.
I take care of myself and my looks and health. I work damn hard. I parent and keep busy. If you have any other suggestions of things that would help I am all ears.

You're right. It's the preoccupation (underscored by last weekend) that I can't tolerate. He has many reasons to speak ill of her due to her ongoing batshittery. But I've come to realise, with sadness and frustration, that he is fixated on his experience of that family and can't/won't behave well enough to be my boyfriend.

On a separate note, I feel stupid for putting up with this for so long. But I'm sure many posters here will relate to that feeling of meeting someone who is SO GOOD is many respects. And yet if you have the best cup of tea in the world, and there's a little fleck of shite in it.. It's still a shitty tea.

I know that your partner having an affair is really horrendous and not something he can get over quickly but he doesnt need to talk to you about it.

I wouldn't read anything in to him not saying he loved her as clearly he did but again not something he should talk to you about.

It sounds like he is lacking in emotional intelligence and is offloading to you when he should be enjoying the dating.

You've done so much which is great to read. Sometimes its just time that helps heal.
I do think being in the house you lived in is so hard when you're healing.
When can the house go on the market?

I'm with you on the feeling stupid for putting up with poor behaviour for far too long.
I've just ended a relationship-lite and some days I want to kick myself for everything I put up with....

Since its ended I've realised where I fell back into bad habits and reverted to type so I'm hopeful that when I'm ready for a new relationship I'll be better prepared.

I'm currently reading SexureLobe by Julie Merrino and will also re-read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl as that helped me so much when a relationship ended 4 years ago.

I highly recommend the latter book if you tend to pick men who are emotionally unavailable

Solidarity. I have read Nat Lue's book and I wouldn't say I go for this type. On this occasion I have just put up with a boyfriend-lite rather than someone who goes to bat (haha!) for me as I over-indexed his mitigating circumstances and good points. Easy to overlook when someone is reliable, interested, initiates plans, spends multiple days with you at a time, you share interests etc.

I now realise I am deserving of much better things and I've dimmed myself in this area as well as others like my career etc. I think I've also bought into the trap of friends telling me how hard it is to date at this age and how important it is to be understanding because life isn't straightforward. But I think that's giving too much good grace to sub-par behaviour when I have high standards in every aspect of my life. In sum: we need to stop excusing shitty behaviour - however sympathetic we may be - and start walking away from it.

You can tho get crazy exs. My partners ex is one. He never said it. Just the way shes been with me.

Sorry it should have said Secure Love but I'm typing on my phone and have fat fingers!!

That's been exactly my problem, every time there was an issue I analysed it and put it down to his childhood, his attachment style and everything in between but what I forgot to do was ask how it all made me feel and do I want this long term.

I've started following this guy on Instagram and this post really resonated with me....
https://www.instagram.com/p/DeLp5_REm2b/?stkn=djhnd2c2cmlxeGsx

So my answer to that would be what if his child comes to harm while she's high?

That's a weak excuse from a weak man.

IF the drugs story is true

I agree that some ex's are 'crazy' but its not for a person you're dating or is your boyfriend to slag them off to you.

It shows what kind of person they are if they can do that.
Better to keep their mouth shut and talk to their own friends or a therapist.

I hate unkindness

Yes i agree also. And glad hes never slagged her off.

Shes not worth even being mentioned tbh.

Like i dont mention my phycho ex (kids dad) i had therapy and friends for that.

100%!

I had a right time with my children's dad, but i certainly did not sit there bad mouthing him in the early days, not even ip to the year mark. It was only when DP was more integrated with the children and their arrangements he was then privy to how awkward their dad could be, and whilst I talked about why we broke up in the earlier days it was factual and not name calling or drama.

He made his own mind up about him over time whilst collecting/dropping off the kids lol

I'm aiming for early Feb. It's a good time in the housing market and gives me a deadline to work towards with fixing the obvious issues (damaged paint, dodgy light fittings, hole in the wall where a fireplace was, manky bathroom lino) and also trying to freshen up the paint and garden where needed. I have, thankfully, done three of the four major things. Once the fireplace is sorted it will only be semi major things 😏

Great point well made. I don't even think he could answer that.

And whilst I wouldn't say he's nasty or unkind about her (more like factual, grumbling) I'm sick to the back teeth of her having a seat at the metaphorical table.

When people have challenged me about whether him having a son/dating men with kids is an issue I've always said no. I never expect/want to be number 1 to someone with a child; plus my (normal) life is full and rich as is. But I do have an issue with someone so enmeshed and mixed up about his previous relationship and despite what he says, it clearly goes beyond logistics. I am finally done.

Totally get this. With my ex we just talked all the time about anything and now the men on old are impatient and game players and it’s so frustrating. I want my head to be filled so there’s no room for him.