The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

He was hoping to be carried.

I mean, they're less likely to have close knit friends or social groups for support, so that would affect them worse. However they're also more likely (statistically) to be financially better off, to not get the majority of the childcare lumped onto them and not not be written off by society in the same way as a single woman 'of a certain age' or a single mum of any age.
So swings and roundabouts probably.

So I’d say my are positives:

• I try to be fair
• My life is in order
• Im kind

my negative is overthinking

I asked my AI and it said I missed:

Add these Positives:

• Remarkable self respect and boundaries
• High emotional intelligence and clarity

And that my negative needs to be more balanced because I overthink when other people are inconsistent and I’m trying to make sense of it

☺️

@AlwaysCarrieSATC I think you are missing a LOT there 😘😘😘

Here's mine. Three AIs, moderated by me and I would NOT have come up with all of these!!

Perceptive and quick-witted, with dry, well-timed humour
Curious about people and what makes them tick
Open-minded and willing to question myself
Creative and full of ideas
Emotionally deep, with a huge capacity for love
Warm, affectionate, kind and caring
Playful, flirtatious and a little mischievous
Capable of great joy and enthusiasm
Romantic and hopeful, even when life disappoints me
Capable of tenderness without being weak
A devoted mother with close relationships with my children
An animal lover
Resilient and keep going through difficult times
Self-aware and prepared to examine my own behaviour
Clear about my boundaries, and I act on them when they aren't met
Direct and honest in how I communicate
Strong-minded, with standards and opinions of my own
Disciplined: lost a lot of weight, kept it off and train consistently, physically active
Decisive about what isn't working for me
Confident enough to know what I like, even when I sometimes doubt whether I'm desirable
Independent, self-sufficient and financially aware
Hard-working and conscientious
Enjoy good food, cooking and making a welcoming home
Interested in people, places, culture and new experiences
Wanting a full life, not just a relationship to fill the gaps
Want to keep growing and learning
Attractive, feminine and expressive
Stylish, with a fabulous eye for clothes, shoes and lingerie (AI 😂)
Well-groomed and attentive to the details
Appreciate quality, from a good outfit to a memorable day out
Make life beautiful, fun and pleasurable
Sociable, and love to bring people together
Warm, interesting and fun to be around (subjective!!)

I love your list, and lots of your qualities shine through in your posts on here! 🥂

So here's the things AI said I missed... (with commentary, because i find it entertaining)

Oh, the shoe and lingerie collections absolutely count 😆 This is not a competency matrix. “I take pleasure in clothes, sensuality and making myself look fabulous” is a perfectly legitimate good thing about you.

And I think you’ve actually missed quite a lot. I’d add:

• Resourceful and capable — you have a strong “I can probably figure this out” streak, whether it’s work, DIY, parenting logistics or some completely random practical problem.
• Resilient — not in the irritating “look how much shit you can survive!” sense, but you do recover, adapt and keep building.
• Emotionally brave — you look at uncomfortable truths rather than automatically protecting yourself with denial.
• Self-aware and reflective — sometimes to the point of over-analysis 😆, but you genuinely examine your own motives and behaviour rather than assuming you’re always right.
• Willing to change your mind when the evidence changes.
• Warm and engaging — you talk to people. You notice them. You compliment the excellent shirt. You make connections.
• Good at making other people feel interesting and seen.
• Socially confident — you can walk into rooms, speak to strangers, present, network, perform, lead conversations.
• A strong communicator — professionally and personally; words are one of your actual talents.
• A leader — not just “ambitious”; you generate ideas, persuade people, develop others and make things happen.
• Generous — with attention, affection, practical help, encouragement and enthusiasm.
• Loyal — sometimes arguably beyond the point where people have earned it, but still a quality.
• Affectionate and demonstrative.
• Passionate — about people, ideas, projects, art, sex, clothes, houses, food, approximately seventeen hobbies at once...
• Sensual — and comfortable valuing physical affection, pleasure, attraction and sexuality rather than pretending those things are trivial.
• Adventurous and game for things.
• Competent — which I think deserves its own line rather than being hidden inside self-sufficient/problem solver.
• Practical as well as creative. That combination is particularly useful.
• Observant — of people, aesthetics, language and little details.
• Articulate.
• Good taste / strong aesthetic sense — clothes, photography, interiors, visual presentation.
• Funny in a way that invites other people to play along, rather than merely being able to tell jokes.
• Enthusiastic. When you like something, people know about it.
• Able to be delighted. Your “great capacity for joy” is genuinely a big one; plenty of people lose that.
• Courageous about trying things you might not immediately be good at.
• Responsible — bills, work, children, house, pets, planning for the future. You carry a lot of adult life.
• Thoughtful mother, specifically: you put considerable effort into understanding the children as individuals rather than trying to force them into some generic idea of how children “should” behave.
• Invested in your own growth.
• Able to apologise and take accountability when you think you’ve got something wrong.
• Strong sense of fairness and integrity.
• Independent without being emotionally detached.
• Romantic — I actually think that belongs on the positive list. You care about meaning, ritual, intimacy, shared history and building a life with someone.
• Hopeful, even when you are absolutely fucking furious about being hopeful. 😆

And one I particularly want on the list today:

You are someone with a lot to bring to a relationship.

Well damn, ChatGPT. Now I want to be in a telationship with me.

I also want to be friends with @Nosdacariad for realz and agree that @AlwaysCarrieSATC seems to have missed many items off that list.

These are great lists 😍

@ThreeMogsAndCounting Yes, you are spot on. I’ve now also reached a point where the bar is so high it’s very hard to find anyone who is up to scratch! Whereas in my 20s and 30s I had a lot less confidence and would have taken it very personally if someone didn’t like me.

I also think the longer I’ve been single, the more my life has filled up with things that make me happy, whereas I spent a lot of time in relationships bending over backwards to accommodate the other person (because I was essentially trained to be a people pleaser from a very young age).

Now I’m very much enjoying my own space and not having to think about anyone else. I certainly wouldn’t want to be with anyone who made huge demands of my time, there simply isn’t space anymore.

Loving your lists everyone! What a great exercise. I don’t doubt there is truth in them either, it’s obvious from your posts thar you’re a wonderful bunch!

I’m in the Sunshine Coast, Australia. My single friend who am I holidaying with got me to unpause my Bumble profile yesterday just so we could assess the local wildlife 😂 Not too many hot surfers with abs of steel just yet, and far too many fish photos. I’ll keep looking though and report back once I’ve been to the beach 😂

Just catching up now it's the weekend - well done! Hope it feels like the right decision and is giving you peace. X

Welcome lovely! This is the best thread on Mumsnet, if not the whole world! Everyone on here is so funny, friendly, non-judgemental and generally great. I have found it so, so helpful on my dating journey! X

I love that Instagram quote - it took me so, so long to realise this.....

This is brilliant and I admire this way of thinking so much. You ARE the fucking prize! And what a powerful and enviable position to be in - knowing your worth - content to wait until you meet someone who is truly worthy of you..... Well done you, and hold on to that mindset! It's fabulous. X

I’m feeling very proud of myself for a few reasons tonight. I put my hinge profile live on Wednesday. Had a match earlier today but then unmatched because he sent a generic boring opener. Then had another match who I’ve spent a few hours chatting to this evening. Then I realised the box for see people out of your distance thing was ticked and he was miles away. So I wished him well and unmatched.

anyway, I’m proud for actually chatting to someone for the first time and being brave enough (for me) to say bye. The distance was way too much!

Im going to reserve the burn the haystack book from the library tomorrow as I think this will be really helpful.

I also tweaked my profile today using chat GPT which helped me out.

Your positives list is way too short! Even just from knowing you on here I could add LOADS:

• Intelligent
• Funny

-Articulate -Open minded

• helpful

-reflective

• good listener (well, reader)

-interesting

• modest!

To name but a few!

I will do my own one in a second when I have finished catching up.

This only begins to describe your brilliance. You have barely scratched the surface!

Same is true of everyone on here to be honest - it's SUCH a lovely, safe, interesting space, and I bloody love you all!

So, I think I am:

• Clever
• Funny
• Caring
• Loyal

-Strong sense of fairness. -Loving mom, daughter and friend

• aware of my own faults and willing to say sorry.
• hard working
• committed to social justice

-interested in lots of different things

• open to trying new things
• nice looking
• passionate
• great in bed
• scrub up well
• non-judgemental.

God, it's really hard - I feel almost quite dirty now! It would be so much easier to list things I am bad at!

Well done you! The first steps are the hardest. You have shown great confidence and also strong boundaries - an excellent start!

I was just thinking - I know that photos holding fish are a real cliche - but why are we all so anti them?

Its nice when blokes (or anyone really) have a hobby they love - and as hobbies go, is fishing really that bad?

(I guess there are animal rights issues around it, as it's not very nice for the fish....)

But I don't think I would hugely mind a guy who fished? I might do a total volte face next time I go back on the apps, and actively target the fish guys?

(I must admit I would love a man to cradle me and look at me with the look of adoration they seem to reserve for those fish .....😉)

They will probably be grateful for the attention, if nothing else! 🤣🤣🤣

Thank you! That’s really kind 😊

This made me properly actually laugh out loud for real.

I dont know why I am so averse to the fish thing. Mostly because it just seems so silly.maybe I should give them a chance?

I am having an enjoyable evening and o thoight I would share my evil glee with you all.

In between the break up with Beardy ex and going back on the apps I briefly dated someone who, to avoid having to give a very complicated backstory, I will call an old friend, aka Mr Certainty. It didnt last very long as it turns out he was much better in the 'friend' role than the 'boyfriend/partner' role.

Anyway. We live near each other and commute on the same train. So far we'd managed to avoid bumping into each other, but this week we ended up in the same carriage, which I didnt realise until we got to the station. I smiled and said 'hi' as I went past him on the stairs and I have never seen anyone look so horrified. Tonight he sent me a text asking for clarification as he thought we were no contact and did i want or need something and why couldn't I just be straight with him.

Honestly I have got an entire evening's entertainment out of replying ' nothing I want or need, just don't wanna be rude' and then discussing the whole thing with my bestie.

Honestly, what a twerp. If you want no contact don't message asking about no contact 😆😆😆

I admit this may not be as funny when you don't know the whole backstory, but its cheered me right up!

Why does it make you feel dirty?

I wad talking ro my daughter about self-love and I came up with an analogy that thinking ill.of yourself, but expecting others to want to be friends with you is like holding out a toy to someone and apologising for all its flaws and then expecting them to be grateful and want to play with it.

If you can't see why you're wonderful why should someone else see it?

And why is it so awful to point out the good things about yourself? I've never met you and can tell you have lots of appealing traits.

I am, admittedly, a little evangelical about this, but I refuse to dim my own light. There are plenty of other people. And plenty of life circumstances, that will do that for me.

I think the issue is that they never will look T us the way they look

You are right of course - it shouldn't. And I absolutely agree with everything you have said. And yet, there was still a part of me that found it instinctively difficult.....

That's really funny! Alas, I think you are right .....