The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I think do it! I have always enjoyed recreational sex, and if you have that mindset (I know it's not everyone's cup of tea) then I think life is too short to miss out on really great chemistry, even when it's only a one time thing.

The very worst that can happen is that he will say, no, that's not for me. And in a weird way that would be a compliment, as it would probably imply he didn't trust himself not to develop feelings ....

I'd definitely go for it in your shoes. X

This is great news! Even if it doesn't lead anywhere, first kiss post-separation is an important milestone in your healing journey. Be proud of how far you have come - well done you! X

@PinkNeonSign I'm sorry your meeting with the kids didn't go to planned. Him leaving without telling you really isn't on - I would be pretty annoyed by that! Was his DC anxious/upset or just bored/disinterested?

I'd be quite wary of someone pushing for a blended family situation if you or the kids aren't ready yet. My ex talked about wanting to be a real family and ignored my reservations - turns out his idea of a real family meant me cooking dinner and reading to his DC in the evening while he went out "networking" drinking with his mates from work .

Talk to him. Tell him how you would be comfortable moving forward and see if that's something he can be happy with. Will you get an opportunity to talk face to face any time soon?

I'd probably want to mix it up to check that the connection works across a range of contexts. But, your comfort levels are the most important thing at this stage - don't do anything that doesn't feel like it would be enjoyable for you. X

@Zara445 I agree with Lurchers, I'd mix it up a bit if you feel comfortable with that. I love a walk but I also like to know early doors if the chap is willing to make a bit more of an effort. After two walking dates I'd definitely want to try an evening date. It's fun to get dressed up and I find it more conducive to flirting. We're all different though so don't rush into anything you don't feel ready for. Good luck whatever you go with!

@Lilaclane the ex is a witch. Is she? IS SHE? Or is that how a woman ends up when he has driven her nuts?

I feel I’ve maybe missed the boat because I already messaged earlier. What should I do? Wait for him to come back to me first (if he does)?

Im having major problems with Tinder at the moment because it’s showing me men from the Manchester area, which is a couple of hundred miles from me. I’m also getting a lot of likes from men in that area, it’s driving me mad! I’ve made sure to set it to my own city but it persists. I think the gods have decided I shall remain single. (Or maybe I’m destined for a date with the devil. Bet he wouldn’t turn down a one-night roll around!!)

Have you got it on passport mode?

Please be careful, people you are casually dating shouldn't know where you live x

i can't deny that this thought has crossed my mind

very good questions. i've asked myself both a and b and the answer is no and yes respectively. I don't think my baseline happiness can be maintained by someone who doesn't/won't ever behave in a romantic way. It's like going to a buffet and leaving feeling peckish...

When things are good and we're connecting I feel very much in love with him. But his clumsy and emotionless behaviour activates my prey drive. Right now I'm struggling to think of a redeeming feature, but the thing that's kept me stuck is the fact he has many good points. Anyway, I've laid it all on the line and get 'i'm sorry i've upset you'. weak as piss. i would encourage my friends to aim higher but need to take the advice myself.

All this talk of cricketers has made me want mine again, purely for escapism, no complications, no feelings, no expectations! Looking back, it was fun, I got over invested and wanted more than he was willing to give but I’d not do that again!

OK, so I would send something like this (but I am prone to reckless behaviour on occasion - I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I haven't).

"Or, I am free on .... (Insert date here). If you fancy it, I could come over to yours/book a hotel room in (insert location) (whichever you feel most comfy with depending on if you feel ok going to his house), bring a bottle of wine, and we could just enjoy our connection for what it is.

Let me know if you are up for this, but if that isn't your style I totally understand and will wish you all the best!".

If he doesn't respond or makes a lame excuse, I would leave it there - that would be my last ditch stand for the shag. And I would hold my head up high whatever happened - we have sexual needs just as much as men do, and there is zero shame in expressing them. You are both single, both fancy each other - why the Hell not?

If he says no, I would put it down to lack of confidence on his part, or possible dodgy views about women who are confident about their own sexuality - either way, no loss.

But you may get a great night out of it.....

Just to clarify, the bits in brackets are for you, not what I think you should put in the text! That's probably obvious. Bascially I think you should be decisive about the date and time. He may find your clarity and assertiveness a real turn on! If he finds it off-putting, that would suggest to me he has dodgy views about women and you are better off without him, as that kind of man is usually a disappointment in bed, apart from anything else.....

At risk of sounding like AI - some people have good intentions about being in a relationship but lack the capacity for any emotional depth. Could this apply here?

Morning all. Getting a little irritated by Tennis. It may be that I'm tired but we are supposed to be going out tomorrow but have no location.

I have prompted.

I just feel bored.

hello everyone.
ex has started dating someone and I’m gutted.

Im so sorry. Have a hug.
I need one, too, today.

I would absolutely agree with this. I’m sure right now I would come across as a witch to ex but he’s just infuriating. There’s also absolutely zero feelings there, the issues that led to the ending of our marriage (from me) are now magnified because he’s avoidant so I’d tread carefully believing his side of this.

I’m sorry 😞 That must be hard

I feel so sad this morning. It's like finding someone to chat to where there's some possible potential is bringing up the early days with Beardy Ex, and how all consuming that was, how amazing and special and I don't want to compare, but I cant help it and it just feels like loss and grief.

And I want to be over him and I don't know how. I had to send him an email about the house three weeks ago and he didnt reply, so i sent a follow up and he still hasn't replied and the catastrophising part of my brain is making up whole scenarios where something happens to him and I have no 'right' to be there, to be affected, to show my feelings, because technically I ended the relationship. Its so stupid. I feel so stupid and I just want to move forwards.

Maybe I should just stay single and not try to find sex or love if its going to stir up all these feelings each time.

How you are feeling is perfectly normal.
You need to be kind to yourself for a while as this is all part of the grief when a relationship ends.
Have you got anything good planned for the weekend?

@Lilaclane Anyone who claims their ex is psycho, a witch or anything else negative needs to be dumped immediately.

Dating is about showing your best side and if this is his best side heaven help when you see his worst side.

Its unlikely to be true and if she has been 'difficult' I expect he drove her to be like that.

Even if its true its very unkind and I think kindness is so important in a relationship.

My ex husband was a complete nightmare in my marriage but I never talk negatively about him to anyone except my best friends!

With bells on. Sometimes I think he's not into me, then I think he is probably like this with everyone/doesn't have that depth or range. I don't think he's a bad bloke. But I think he's a very bad partner.

Sorry I can't recall the details...how long have you been split? How long were you together? Do you need to communicate about the house?

You may still be in the middle of the grief of the relationship ending so be gentle with yourself. What have you been doing to start healing? Are you sitting with your feelings and embracing them or are you trying to shove them down and pretend they don't exist?
What else do you have in your life? A job? Friends? Hobbies?