The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

It really does feel futile sometimes, doesn't it?

@coolpattern sorry you're feeling so down. Good for you taking yourself away. Is there anything you fancy doing in Prague that he wouldn't have enjoyed, or that you couldn't do with him in tow?

No patience i think from them.
I think I’ll stay on pof. I don’t like the idea of unmatching

Good work lurchers 🌟 and @coolpattern Praha! How lovely ♥️💙♥️

So many guys match and then don't follow through with anything - I have a feeling some guys just swipe right on everyone to see how many matches they get, then do their selecting afterwards?

It's annoying tho, it renders the whole swiping process somewhat pointless in my honest opinion!

Prague sounds like a great call - I have never been but it is high on my list of places I would love to go.... I think you should be massively proud of yourself for practisinf excellent self care! You really are treating yourself as you deserve to be treated, and that's brilliant. I hope being somewhere so lovely and interesting really helps take your mind off the sadness, once you get into the swing of it .....

It was a wierd one, to be honest. Mom bought up my dating. She firmly believes that DD's Dad should not get to inhabit this fantasy world in which he imagines me basically there as this handmaiden, waiting in the wings, ready at any point to entertain him or listen to his problems,, leading a celibate existence and focusing solely on helping to raise our child - while he in contrast gets to enjoy his relationship with OW and whatever other women he may be dating/shagging/flirting with at any given moment.

So she started talking about men I have been dating (I am open with DD about it although she doesn't meet them so there is no problem there).

It was interesting to see his reaction - he was basically extremely negative about all of them! For example, mom told the story of Mr Cricket not bringing me anything when he came over, and DD's Dad leapt on this and appeared outraged - he kept bringing up how bad it was, and how I "deserve so much more" . (He actually said that).

I guess it's normal to feel protective over someone you were once married to? FWB is a bit like this too - he never thinks anyone is good enough for me.

But part of me feels, if these guys apparently rate me so highly, why aren't they the ones stepping up, treating me like I (apparently) deserve? I am sick of being everyone's bit-part handmaiden - I want to be the main character in somebody's life!

So better boundaries is what I need. People treat you as carelessly as you allow them too - I know this. I am getting better at actually living by it, certainly with new guys I meet, but it's still a work in progress where certain men from my past are concerned.

I

@Ilovelurchers your mum sounds like a legend.

I agree you've not met anyone good enough yet but I wonder if ex and fwb are being dogs in the manger?

What kind of better boundaries do you need?

Well it is finally going to happen……14 months since my last one
i have a date lined up for the weekend 😀

That's great! How long have you been chatting? Let us know how it goes!

Congratulations! 💐🍾🥂 I hope it's worthy of you.

What's planned?

Morning everyone 🙂 I’ve been keeping a bit of a low profile lately because I feel totally fatigued with OLD after a solid 6 months of it. Plus my confidence is in my boots atm.

Between Hot PT basically saying I’m too old (even though he made the first move) and Mr Handy making me feel like I was punching above my weight. And another guy I was messaging recently who said (and I quote) “you’re hot but you’d be super hot if you took fat jabs”….. I really need a break.

Im back on the thread today catching up and reading updates but I’m not going to contribute at the moment because I feel it may add to my dating fatigue, so apologies in advance that I’ll not reply. I’ll probably check in again in about a week to catch up on how everyone is getting on.

Good luck everyone 😘

They really are .....

But I think in a way I encourage it! I need to be less of a handmaiden/harem member. Any man who rejects me even once, should fuck off and not be worth my time, really. (Apart from the need to co-parent with DD's dad, of course).

Exciting! Well done you. Xxx

Oh, lovely. We miss you, but totally understand. It's good to know your are still broadly OK - I have been worried. The one that said that about weight loss jabs is an utter cunt and I would like to inject his fucking eyeballs! (Sorry. That makes me so angry tho. How dare he?)

You know it's them not you, I hope. You are amazing and so lovely. Xxx

What the actual?

Another man ( no doubt a real Adonis!!) telling a woman how much space to take up and how to handle her body.

Did you report him?

💐💐💐

@Ilovelurchers do you want us to hold you to account on that boundary? 😘😘😘

Morning, date 6 or 7 with tennis last night.

I do fancy him now. Maybe my type (overweight and or unfit) was the problem?

How is everyone else getting on?

@NosdacariadGreat news! You give hope to us all :)

That is fantastic! Really pleased for you. X

That's great!! And I really admire your approach of giving people a real chance.

That’s amazing! What was it that did it for you in the end, do you think? Wondering if I should apply this approach of persistence.

Well, I'll be back in a week no doubt blubbing my eyes out 😂

He has said a couple of not great things which he accepted challenge on, he has been consistently kind, attentive, generous.

He is trying quite hard to sleep with me but in a way that feels very safe.

As for looks, having got to know him better I realise he's wiry/muscly not just skinny.

I would NEVER say anything about that to him though (a la Planes).

Just catching up after a very busy week!

@Ilovelurchers Hope your dates go well this weekend! Although I’m most keen to hear how things pan out with Mr Paint. Is he a bit nerdy? Bonus points from me if he is…

@NosdacariadReally pleased to hear that things are going well with Tennis, 7 dates is a pretty good run! How long has it been now that you’ve been seeing each other? You seem to be taking your time which is quite understandable after plane wreck…

@empirebiscuits12So sorry to hear your update, what an absolute tosser. Who the hell actually says things like that to a potential romantic partner?! I hope you don’t take it to heart. It’s definitely a him problem.

Updates from me…

Mr Charismatic is away surfing for the long weekend here. I haven’t seen him in 5 weeks now… On the one hand I’ve been away/busy too but I’m not really feeling like much of a priority. Have told him it would be good to see him before my surgery next Friday. If that doesn’t happen, then I guess I know where I fit priority wise.

Mr Bay continues to message me, he’s away on holiday so we still haven’t met yet. Not sure it will be possible before my surgery given he lives 2 hours away. So timing might just not work out…

Have a new iron from Bumble, let’s call him Mr Page. He didn’t message for a few days but popped up again apologising that he’d had his kids so not much time, but that he was very keen to get to know me. He seems interesting and smart. Thinking of suggesting to meet next week.

I am starting to wonder whether I should have given Mr Cricket more of a chance - was four dates really enough? And maybe I made a mistake in having sex so soon. I had really hoped it would kick-start some feelings of real desire - intimacy. In fact, it very slightly repulsed me..... Not that there is anything repulsive about him, so it's hard to explain. It was doing things that are really intimate with someone I didn't feel intimate with. I am usually ok with casual sex though.... I dunno. Anyway, it is what it is.

But I do really admire your process of taking your time, letting the connection grow naturally. And it certainly seems to be working! And he is obviously really keen! (Just as he should be - that is very much what you deserve, wise, funny, intelligent and kind woman that you are ....)

Disappointing from Charismatic. I think sometimes it's when we really need people that we find out who they are .....

I know you will feel so sad because you like him so much, love him possibly, but the great thing is that you have carried on your dating life, you haven't just been pining alone for him..... Give yourself a real pat on the back for that. Because this would feel infinitely harder if you had put everything else on hold for him. (Believe me, I've been there, so many times.....)

Do you have anyone in real life who can support you before and post-surgery? I am worried about you. God, I wish we all lived in the same village sometimes, and when one of us was struggling there would always be someone who could pop over with a bottle of wine and a lasagne ......

A village with a great coffee place, walking spot, and pub, so that we could all take our first dates there (depending on preference of date) and the others could arrange to be on hand, and step in at an agreed signal if the iron started getting out of hand......