The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Yes, that's it I think. And I am not sure I even DO like kissing, as an activity in general.

There have been certain men I have enjoyed kissing. I like kissing FWB. I could kiss him till the cows come home, actually. It's utterly divine.

But I have probably had more bad kisses than good in my life, truth be told.....

Anyway, he is up for the date, so we'll see how it goes. I slightly suspect I may know on sight he is not for me.

If so, I will stay for an hour and go home, and just be proud of myself that I have jumped back into the dating game so quickly after the disappointment of Cricket, and the whole DD's dad debacle.

(He is still giving mixed messages, by the way. I kind of suspect he has things just as he wants them now. I am single, so he can spend time with me whenever he likes on his term. While freely dating and shagging and doing whatever else with the OW.

Time I imposed a boundary or two, I suspect!)

I hope you have a great time on your date - 🌟 for going.

💯 time to set some boundaries around your daughter's Dad. Protect your heart 😘😘😘

I had a good howl in the car . Called my mum on the way home. Now im about to eat a ham salad sandwich, which is the first vegetables I've had in some days. I also have the kittens a snack in the hours they'll come snuggle with me while I watch horrific serial killer dramas intl my kids get back.

I have also turned all the newly working lights on and off and have inspected the fire that was wasndisconnected and allowed myself to be gently excited about putting the replacement one in now and redecorating the sitting room.

Absolutely this. You don't deserve to be someone's back up option

Ah @ThreeMogsAndCounting thats really tough I understand, just have to get through it 💐

@Ilovelurchers do go on the date and see for yourself you never know

@Nosdacariad sounds like Tennis is coming along nicely

So I met exiron and we had a lovely walk. I did wonder if I would feel any kind of spark or have thoughts along the lines of the one that got away but I didn’t. We chatted about our respective long distance relationships and it was interesting to hear he likes seeing his GF once a month or so rather than me who doesn’t like it. Anyway it was a nice few hours and hopefully to be repeated from time to time. The downside was remembering what it’s like to chat full throttle without the constant language issues the upside was remembering Mr Chef is very dapper and hugely sexy to me.

Is is sad that I want to text a guy who I can't stop thinking about and ask him a question which I know he knows the answer to so i can talk to him again 🙈

Good to have your house back.

Serial killer dramas sound diverting.

What about some kind of ritual to reclaim your space? Even just lots of fresh air?

It's normal💐

How would you feel if he didn't reply or was cold?

Do you want to feed him your valuable attention?

I dint feel I need to thankfully. Its full of my stuff, my kittens, my smells. Its my space and I feel a bit better now its in the past and I dont have to dread something upcoming.

Im just exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally.

Im in the office tomorrow. Which will be good.

Fuck. Its just started raining and I haven't got the sheets off the line. Buggrit millennium hand and shrimp.

Nos has nailed it

@ThreeMogsAndCounting I don’t think a year is that long to feel over your ex, if the connection was strong and given he is still in your life. I think you can give yourself way more slack. Just keep focusing on doing things for you, ideally things that focus your mind in other directions x

I so need to do this. Did we come up with a verb for what men do when they subtly manouver us into a harem-member position?

I very much think that what I thought was him perhaps being genuinely interested in actually rebuilding things, was in fact him liking having me at his beck and call for fun days out, emotional support etc..... All very much on his terms, I might add.

And that man loves a harem! Even when we were married he was drowning in female besties - some that I liked too, but many who would be extremely caustic towards me, blank me to my face etc etc. (I'll never know how many he actually shagged, but I suspect quite a few).

And now here I am, pretty much filling the same role.

Healthy, hearty food is good - it will lift your mood. I know eating can be the hardest thing to do when you feel low - I have had times when I actually can't swallow due to the emotional pain. But it really is a great way to look after yourself - you deserve to have good food inside you!

You also deserve kittens - they are the best! (My neurotic cat is standing on my stomach as I type this, silently conveying her agreement - she's nuts but I wouldn't be without her). I think there has been actual research done to prove that stroking/cuddling a pet has a positive impact on physical and mental health?

And getting excited about redecorating also sounds like a really positive step.

You are doing so well. Just getting through the day would be a victory - but you've shopped, you've eaten well, you've bought joy to kittens.....

And this pain WILL pass. Xxx

It's human nature!

What are the downsides to texting him - I am assuming this is maybe a guy who has hurt you before?

If you give more context we can share our thoughts, for what it's worth - but ultimately none of us will judge you whatever you decide to do. We've all been there! X

Oh, and I had to postpone Mr Nerd, after all that, because I have come down with either food poisoning or a bug. Was out with mom at the cinema (my bff cancelled - we work together and I probably have what she has!) and I had to come home early.

Which makes the cat standing on my stomach even more painful! But obviously she's a cat, so I have to allow her to do whatever she deems necessary at any given moment in time. Am trying to gently encourage her to lie down at least so her weight would be more evenly distributed. But she seems happy standing for now......🙄🤣

Oh get well soon Lurchers.

I think hoovering suits 😁

Aww. She's just trying to take care of you!
Give her face rubs, then slowly lower your hand towards you so she has to bend forwards to keep getting scritches!?

My son stole both the kittens when he got home, but DD sat on my lap and let me kiss her all over her face.
Which is hilarious because she's almost the same height as me now but she still has the softest cheeks. We're cuddled up watching Grease together - her inaugural watch! I love that they're old enough to share things from my youth with them now.

How old do you reckon you'd need to be to watch Dirty Dancing? Probably got a coupla years to go...

Oh no, fee letter soon!
Sounds like standard cat behaviour!

Well after getting so excited about Mr West, whom I matched with and gave my number to on Saturday night - I didn’t hear anything further from him. It’s now Monday morning. So unlikely to hear from him again at his point I think! Argh!

@Ilovelurchers oh I would get a serious ick from the kissing comment - although I'm quite particular about that kind of thing! Personally I can't find someone attractive unless I like their personality so I don't like that chat early doors. If a man talks about kissing/sex prior to meeting, when we don't even know if we have chemistry, it makes me feel like they're more interested in me as a collection of orifices rather than as a person. But as others have said it could just be a clumsy attempt at flirting so don't write the poor man off after one comment.

Shame about the hot busker but good for you for being brave enough to (almost) make a move!

@ThreeMogsAndCounting don't be sorry lovely. A lot of us are in somewhat similar boats or we have been in the past. This is a safe, judgement free space where we can have a bit of a moan, get it out of our systems then go back to kicking ass in the real world!

Oh bugger!

Bloody Hell...... It's always the ones we like the most that do this too. I can match with 5 guys on a super-swipe evening, and you can guarantee that the one who REALLY piques my interest is the one who will never message, or message that night then never be heard of again.

At least you are fancying people other than Charismatic tho, that has to be a good sign! That's what I felt with Hot Busker - finally, some evidence that I could still get it up (metaphorically speaking) for a bloke I haven't previously been married to/cohabited with....

How old is DD? I tend to ignore ages certificates and go with my guy if it's a film I know already - my daughter has always been relatively mature for her age so we watched a fair few 15s, possibly even a couple of 18s (tho I can't remember details) when she was a very young teen to be honest with you...... That said, I can't remember Dirty Dancing too well so no idea in this instance - is it relatively explicit sex scenes you are worried about?

Watching one of your favourite films with your dd is such a lovely bonding moment - and your dd sounds like she is growing into a lovely considerate and caring young woman, just like her mom! Xxx

DD has domestic violence and abortion themes but this is not a comment on appropriateness ♥️💙♥️

How are you feeling about Tennis overall now? And is it going in the right direction?

The sex thing I believe suggests that evolutionary biology encourages us to bond more closely to men first shag, and has either the opposite effect on them or no real impact at all.

This was true for me when I was younger, but I have to say the opposite seems true now - my first shag is often also my last shag these days, from my own choosing! Whereas in some cases it has made them seem to like me more - I think possibly because I am freakier in the bedroom (with my pierced nipple etc etc) than they expect me to be, given my self presentation and relative shyness and their own joun-the-dots stereotyping.....

My personal advice on this one (which should never, I repeat NEVER, be heeded, because of its source!) is to shag as soon as feel the desire to (as long as he's clearly feeling it too and making that known in a way that pleases you). Not a second sooner, not a second later. Life's too short to miss out on potentially great sex I think - but also way too short to waste any of it havi g sex with anyone you aren't really in to. I think my experiment, hoping it would make me fancy Cricket more, was a predictable mistake, and one I will try not to make again.......