The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Glad your date with Tennis went well! And good for you for bringing up his comment

I’ve been a bit busy and this thread moves so fast, it’s hard to catch up! Nothing of interest to report in my OLD life, at the moment. Am barely online at the moment.

@Nosdacariad sounds like things are warming up with Tennis? How did he respond to your ‘big tits’ convo?

@Ilovelurcherswell done for getting back on the horse so gracefully!

Date with Me Christmas on Friday went well and we are seeing each other again today.

I haven’t heard from Mr History since Thursdays lame message, we are supposed to have a day tomorrow night. If I hear from me I’ll sack him off.

But this has changed my view on arranging more than one date at a time, because the comparison with Mr Christmas means Mr History’s lack of follow through hasn’t bothered me .

Im sitting in a coffee shop with a book feeling incredibly lonely.

I know Beardy Ex is in my house right now. Our house. I do badly want to go home and see him but I know it would fuck me up even more than sitting here thinking about it.

I dont think I'm in a fit state to be thinking about dating, but sitting around and not trying seems like holding onto the past somehow. I dont know what to do to move forwards.

Oh lovely, I am so sorry to hear this and I do really empathise.

For what it's worth I think you are being SO strong in staying away, even though your heart is clearly telling you to go see him, and I think you are doing future you a big favour from the sounds of it.

This too will pass! The pain will decrease over time, and you will feel happy again. But it just takes time.

Do whatever you can to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself in the meantime. Can you treat yourself to something nice from the shops? Get your nails done? Go to the cinema? Call an old friend? Whatever will help get you through.

We are all here for you. Xxx

Dating update - I am meant to have a date with Mr Nerd tonight but his last message gave me a major ick. He said "Hope you like kissing if we like each other. X".

Would anyone else find this icky? It just seems so childish, to be talking about kissing when we haven't even met. I find loads of blokes do this - ask "do you like kissing?" Etc. I mean, I doubt anybody absolutely blanket HATES kissing. But it very much depends on the kissing in question, and who is doing it.

Anyway, I replied that we would have to meet and see whether the chemistry was there, and that it's hard to predict, but I was sure we would have a nice time anyway. (I'm not remotely sure of this). And haven't heard anything since.

Should I assume the date is now off, due to my lukewarm response to the kissing question? I think I actually want the date to be off.

Should I message to confirm the date is off? Or would you assume it's off? And is this a ridiculous ick to have or would anyone empathise?

ARGH, sorry, I am ridiculously indecisive at the moment and I don't know why .......

I find his comment quite cute but each to their own :)

I called my sister, messaged an old friend, but there's nobody local I can be with. I might drive into Milton keynes and see my kids. They're at an event with their dad and would like me to go too. He asked if I was going to. Maybe it would be better for me to do it. Even if it means braving the crowds which I am slightly dreading in my fragile state.

Am I alone in wishing most weekends would hurry past so I can go back to work? At least I have a sense of common purpose and belonging, there.

It's been over a year. I never imagined I would still be so sad this much later.

I also find that comment icky but not sure why. Because I also complain that men don't make things flirty enough. He wasn't doing anything wrong by saying it but I wouldn't like it before a first date.

I think it just highlights that men usually know that they fancy you from your picture but us women rarely fancy men just based on a picture.

I wouldn't assume the date was off and I wouldn't call it off based on this comment. Give it a chance. It was just a clumsy attempt at avoiding the friend zone.

A year isn't actually that long. Give yourself permission to be sad. It's not as if you aren't taking steps to move on. You are doing all the right things. The feelings will take a while to catch up. Just keep moving forward at your own pace.

But maybe focusing on your life rather than jumping to dating is the solution here. Because I think dating can keep reopening wounds. And looking to replace the hole left behind by your ex, will continually remind you that the hole exists. Accept the hole exists, build around it by focussing on your talents, interests, career, family and friends. Eventually that hole will seem smaller.

That sounds like a good call - go and be with your kids and their dad (assuming you still get on well with him and his presence will be a comfort to you, rather than upsetting you further).

I have a tendency to retreat into solitude when I feel low, but actually when I do make the effort to force myself to be around people, it usually does help.

Don't put pressure on yourself - it's perfectly normal to still feel like this. There isn't a timeline for grieving relationships. Just hold on to the fact that it won't always feel this hard......

Wish I could do more to help. Xxx

@Clarabella77, @Thiswillbefun , thank you both so much for sharing your views. It's actually made me reconsider and I have messaged to see if he is still up for meeting tonight.

My life coach (who has quite a challenging style, but it works well for me) does say that I can sometimes be "the language police" and have a list of words and phrases in my head that make me cut potential dates off if they use them, which isn't really fair or reasonable because they can be totally normal things, said with the best of intentions. And maybe this is one of them.

I can't fully explain why his comment was ick-inducing to me - I think it was the fact that he is pushing the physical aspect of the relationship before we have met? But in a fairly innocent way I guess - it's not like he said "I hope you like giving head ....."

I'll give Mr Nerd a chance, anyway (providing he still wants to - of course) . It's only an hour of my life - what have I really got to lose?

And remember that nerds- delightful though they are - can often be socially awkward and this might just be a really clumsy flirt which you would find endearing if you knew him better and liked him.

I am so grateful for this community (and chatgpt). I am boring myself with my feelings about Beardy Ex, never mind other people

@ThreeMogsAndCounting nothing much to add except sympathy - and your poetry sounds an excellent way to channel emotions. Bon courage.

@Ilovelurchers I agree, the kissing comment would give me the ick too. Talking about kissing before you've even met sounds like he's going to try, whether you're ready or not!

Have a very neutral relationship with the ex H. Like cousins really. Familial kind of feelings these days, with an edge of irritation 😆
We co parent well, help each other to an extent. I suspect we'd be better friends if he wasn't scared of pissing off his new wife who sounds like a difficult character from what the kids have said. Oh well. That's the bed he made. Not my problem it has crumbs in it.

Hey good to see you 🍫🍩

He sort of absorbed it quietly and asked if it was off putting & I said yes.

He's very keen, generous, enthusiastic.

Not sure whether he has enough emotional depth for us to be compatible long term. By now I felt like I knew Planes inside out though I realise it was performative.

I preface this by saying I attach no moral value to sex at first date or eighty first but I'm trying not to sleep with him too soon after some stuff I read about vasopressin and oxytocin and how men & women respond differently to first sex.

It's probably boswelox x

@Nosdacariad thank you :) We've had a beautifully sunny autumn here so I've been outside if not working, but today it's raining, so Mumsnet time!

Your intel-gathering approach with Tennis is very wise. And it sounds like he has the ability to reflect, in addition to his other good qualities.

This is fab and multi dating achieved exactly what is was supposed to!🌟

Sending lots of love.

When the house is sold it will be sad and also so much easier for you 💐💐💐

I would not assume the date is off but how much effort will it be to get ready and go?

Is there a cut off by which you'll need to have heard?

I think it's the half in half outness of having him still in your life.

It must be horrible. Anything tiny you can do for yourself now will help a teensy bit, is there anything you can do? However small?

Then report back 😘😘😍

I get why it was icky, it comes over as entitled, if you don't kiss me it will be because you don't like kissing in general.

Like men have a right to your body if they get the formula correct.

It's never boring lovey 💙♥️💙

Does a food shop count?

Also chatting with my friend in Scandinavia who got properly screwed over by her ex, so it makes me pull myself together a bit, because she's been so stoic dealing with all her crap.

Yes! A gift to future you. Great job 🌟

You don't need to be stoic, but glad it helped.

What's your next little thing?