The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Thanks so much @Clarabella77. The way you put it resonates so much with my experience too. While I deeply enjoy friendships and feel I can relate to others in a meaningful way, I don't fall in love easily and when this has happens I treat it as something more than extraordinary in my life. I think this stems both from this feeling of not being loved enough even in my childhood and that I am looking for a deep connection that is worth putting my trust in it in a way that won't hurt me. Perhaps this is why I wasn't ever into casual relationships. And when I finally meet someone I understand I can fall in love (and I feel I am prett good at understanding this) I give myself to this in a way that can be perhaps quite all-consuming (for myself mostly, not for the other hopefully as I tend to be quite guarded for fear of rejection). And I saw what you said with online dating too, quite a few of my dates wanted to meet up again, which I guess is evidence to the contrary in terms of what we think of ourselves. In the specific case of Mr Lawyer, I think I am trying to anticipate the rejection that I fear is coming because I want to be prepared for this but in doing this, I end up hurting myself more than he could have hurt me.

I think the key thing is to build your self esteem up enough, so that someone's feelings for you (or lack of) are not a referendum on your worth. Then you will be able to give in a way that is appropriate for the situation without the horrible fear of being crushed by rejection. It's the difference between internal Vs external validation. People for whom validation comes from within are far more able to reach out and give.

Yeah that exactly it great chemistry and he is lovely in lots of ways - and @Ilovelurchers thanks for saying about the boundaries I am not sure I have been that good with them but yet - anyway decided to message mr football and see if he fancied a 2nd date and he came
straight back saying yes - and referring to a couple of things I mentioned I was doing this weekend so that was nice

Thank you @Ilovelurchers. When I discussed initially with Mr Law, we had both explained that we are not looking into moving together with someone at least in the mid-term because of our childcare responsibilities. My life is pretty complicated personally as I travel a lot and in this case, we also live 90 minutes apart. This is why I knew that I could not see him every day and I felt and still feel I could live with that because also of the strenght of my feelings for him. But I haven't explained this to him of course in those terms because I don't think I can bring this up without knowing first what he feels about me. And I truly believe him when he says his life has been very complicated recently, so I can only wait and see, it seems.

@Summertime2012 Im just like you in many ways and always fell headlong in love. It was so annoying to discover I still did at almost 60 and I hated the limerence this time round as well. Your situation sounds complicated and not ideal for a budding relationship - wait I don’t remember you may have been seeing him a while.

It’s interesting how much thinking we all do on behalf of relationships like @Clarabella77 says we bring so much to them and when you don’t feel it coming back it’s lowering. Like you also say though self validation is essential to hold one’s head high through it all.

@Ilovelurchers , @Nosdacariad and @Thereisalight4 as well - sorry I can’t remember all names - we are all so reflective on men, their behaviour, second guessing stuff but I bet the fuck they don’t spend a fraction of the same mental energy on it. More fool us maybe.

Im meeting an ex iron tomorrow morning for a dog walk and quick drink in the pub. I saw him twice a year ago, I was his first date since losing his wife not very long before and he quickly realised it was too soon. I really liked him intellectually and thought attraction would have grown off the back of that. Anyway I knew he might fancy a walk so out of the blue I texted him last week, he’s seeing someone on a long distance basis too so I’m comfortable meeting him. I was teasing Mr Chef that I would get him out on a hike at some point and he’s not having any of it so I told him I’d find someone else to go walking with then ! It would be great if Mr exiron could be friends and go out with his dogs from time to time I just really want male company a bit more and Mr Chef is so fucking absent. I do find the busier I am the less I think about him.

@Nosdacariad sorry if I missed it are you going out with Mr Tennis tonight ?

Wishing everyone a lovely evening x

@comingintomyown I hope you have a great dog walk 😁

Yes I'm out with tennis in a minute to mystery venue...hope there are no golden arches 😂

What you say about all the thinking we do is bang on. The whole decentreing men agenda can definitely teach us something.

I'm always very impressed by people posting here who have full lives.

Which makes me wonder how @msjinks is doing?

Ugh.
I put kink friendly on one of my profiles and I've had one dude just latch onto that. When insaidnindont actually talk about aex with strangers he seemed to take it in good humour, but came back asking what I wanted to know?

Like, seriously mate, do some of the heavy lifting yourself will you? I asked you a question when we matched which you never actually answered

Ew. Honestly, some guys just seem to have no clue!!

@Ilovelurchers I’m sorry about your ex cancelling on you. It does sound like you were grieving the loss of a dream more than anything else - so perhaps it’s better that this has happened now, before you got too wrapped up in the idea of getting back together. You sound incredibly resilient though - I admire that you can pick yourself up again so quickly after something like that!

@Nosdacariad Hope the date with Tennis went well and that he put some thought and effort in!

I have a new iron Mr West who I matched with on Bumble last night. He’s actually the first person I’ve matched with all year who I feel genuinely quite excited about. I’m a bit at a loss for what to do - I ended up messaging him last night with my number suggesting he add me to What’s app to message me and arrange a meet. Now I’m wondering if that was too full on! I guess we will see if he bites.

No from Mr Charismatic all weekend. Haven’t seen him in over a month. Wondering if he is back to dating other women… Am not going to double message him or chase him. It is what it is.

I have been thinking about the lovely @MsJinksroo. Really hope she is ok! ❤️❤️❤️

And good luck with the mystery date - how exciting! 🤞🤞🤞

That's hopeful news about Mr West - even if he doesn't turn out to be the one, the fact that you can feel that level of excitement may be a promising sign?

So sorry about Charismatic - I know how much you like him. But well done for not double messaging, and generally keeping your boundaries high!

(Not that I think double messaging is always that bad - but if it's something you personally don't like doing, it's good that you are sticking to that, IYSWIM!). Xxx

My experience is that some men just seems to think that the fact you on a dating site means that you want to have sexy talk straight away - I normally say I am not up for it and then when they almost inevitably do it again unmatch - it’s useful for filtering

So this morning I went on date number 3 with Mr Cyclist. Pleasant enough but confirmed he is not the man for me. He is just too passive and it's as simple as I just can't see myself wanting to see him every weekend.

Anyway tonight I am sitting on the sofa watching strictly and Mr Casual messages out the blue, angling for some spicy chat. In the middle of that Mr Cyclist pops up asking what I am up to next week. 😬

Feel like a heathen. 😅

@Clarabella77 , Graham on Strictly 🤣

I missed Graham! Got distracted by the spicy chat. 😆

Ahh I feel your grief of that life.

The rest of your oust is marvellous! All positive steps.

It's good that you have got some clarity on Mr Cyclist.

Was the spicy chat invitation from Casual a welcome one? X

I think developing thick skin is the most important.

@BoxOfCats it was lovely. He's doing ok. I told him about the "big tits" comment.

Mr West has potential ♥️💙♥️

Following!

@Eesha good to see you how are you?

Yes, it's part of our dynamic. And I wasn't expecting it.