The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Oh God, had forgotten, in the short time I was off them, how mental the apps are.

Matched with a guy on Hinge, sent him an opening message. Then closed the app to do a few other things. Just went back on, maybe two hours later, to find he had sent three messages, the last one saying "I suppose no answer is an answer - are you now regretting matching with me?"

I haven't done anything wrong, have I? Bin, right?

🗑 the psycho.

His next message will say

"My ex was a psycho"

Turned out I actually had about three who had said the same kind of thing.

Jesus Christ, the entitlement!

I know I just need to get my mindset back into the whole thing, and then I will be alright about it again.

I have a couple of lovely colleagues. One is mid thirties, one mid twenties. Both recently single and back on the apps. Both beautiful, intelligent, hard working, lovely women. Both facing exactly the same kind of nonsense we are......

It's a tough, brutal dating world out there....

It's easier with the ones who out themselves early (but no less depressing!).

Just an update from me too as you helped me so much earlier! Well done to everyone for going out there and doing your best and for the support to all of us in this thread! I went out with Mr Physics five times over the last week. We ended up having sex, my first since my separation. He is honest, caring and intelligent but is 10 years' older than me and I don't see this going forward as a relationship. He is also recovering from a break up and I feel we are somehow in a similar situation, i.e. wanting emotional and physical intimacy but perhaps not with each other. Mr Lawyer, the guy I first went out with (the one with the many texts and the really long first date) started texting me again after my failed attempt to ask for clarity. He offered me advice about a work situation, discussed politics (his passion) and sent me photos (I fell in love him with him again) from his trip to our common country of origin. Today was my birthday and even though he had asked me a week ago about the precise date, he didn't text me happy birthday. So I am now staring again at the prospect of utter sadness and wondering how I can stop this from hurting me so much.

You all may have been right about Mr rugby. After a promising start ive heard nothing all day.
Not sure i have the tolerance for this.

Spent the evening editing a video for one of my poems, one about Beardy Ex. Not very keen on the editing tool i used. The transitions are a bit horrible. Might nip on my work laptop tomorrow and do a better one, but the audio is good and publishing that poem has been very cathartic.

@Summertime2012 I'm sorry you are so sad. Please come here and talk to us if it helps.

Which are you saddest about? Or both?

Glad you focused on you - great job doing that 😘

Yeah sports themed irons...

Of we had a Mr Golf we could call him 9-iron iron.

Thanks so much for the kind words @nosdacariad. I feel it is so difiicult to manage my emotions about Mr Lawyer. When he shared these photos from his trip, I was so happy and was hoping that he would remember my birthday the next day..When the day passed and he didn't, I felt more or less bereft. I know it's completely illogical but it seems that logic has gone out of the window for me this period. It reminds me of the times when I was in love in my youth but it was not reciprocated, which happened quite a lot, and somehow has scared me in a way that I feel unlovable when it comes to romantic relationships. I took the step of starting counselling though this time to get a better sense of how to deal with these feelings and all the other things that are happening in my life at
the moment. I assume it's the uncertainty with this person that is fuelling my anxiety and while I understand I would also benefit from a slower pace given my life I can't seem to find a way to take such connections as they develop organically.

Wonderful women, I need aon quick advice. I am out shopping in a local town and there is a busker performing who is both amazingly talented and fucking gorgeous (to me - a bit grizzled and would not be everyone's type). About my age or a bit older I would guess.

I gave him some coins and he smiled at me - I realise this is zero evidence of anything, but he has a lovely smile!

It just occured to me that I could write a note with my phone number on it, throw it in his guitar case and run away.

Would that make me look completely insane? Am I completely insane? I think I might be ovulating - it's so rare for me to strongly fancy a stranger these days, but this feels really intense.

Be honest, what do you all think? X

Do it! What have you got to lose x

@Ilovelurchers I can see this was an hour ago but I'm also saying do it!

@Wynter25, @Kaltenzahn do you really think so? I have got the note ready, with a fiver wrapped around it. If he is still there when I walk back for my train in about 10 minutes I think I will.

The most likely thing is I will never hear from him - but at least I can feel I have gone for it!

I wonder if it happens to hot buskers quite a lot? 🤣

Do it and if I’m too late I hope you did it

I didn't do it .... But for good reason. He had a little sign with details of his socials so people can follow him, and on Facebook it seems pretty clear he has a girlfriend.....😥

Nontheless, I am proud of myself for having the courage to go for it, and pleased to realise I can still feel sheer, I-would-jump-your-bones-right-now lust for a total stranger!

Now I just need to find a man like that who is also open to dating ....

On which note, I have a date with Mr Nerd tomorrow night. I am not sure whether chemistry will be there or not - it's so hard to tell from photos. But the only way I will know is by pushing myself back out there.....

Some proper dicks on the apps tho, aren't there? One tried to phone me, and when I didn't pick up (told him I was out) he said "Ring me before 6 today".

Just like that. An imperative. Go fuck yourself, I am tempted to reply. I wonder who these men think they are, giving orders.....

Had date with mr football - he was late but not his fault, seemed like a really nice person not ugly had quite a good chat but I am not sure I am feeling it - thinking maybe suggesting a 2nd date in case it’s a slow burn -
Also yesterday and this maybe be related mr lamb situationship on and off - mainly off -‘nice December - I suggested he came round yesterday evening and he was oh don’t know what i am doing so messaged let’s just leave it and havnt heard from him since - which is probably a good thing but just feel really sad.

This sounds really self aware and I am glad you are doing counselling.

I can relate. I have also told myself a narrative my whole life that I am unlovable. But recently I have been able to shift that narrative slightly even if these old wounds occasionally reopen.

One thing that the past 18 months of online dating has shown me is that there are men who seem to be attracted to me and want to keep seeing me. I just don't always feel the same. So that has challenged that narrative and what I have discovered is that it is me who chooses to stay in the situations where feelings are not reciprocated, which feels like a harder problem to solve!! 😃 But a sign that my self esteem and awareness is improving.

So I am glad that you realise that not getting a happy birthday message is NOT evidence of how loveable you are. But it may mean misaligned expectations which neither makes him a monster, or you unloveable. We bring so much into relationships, don't we? It's rough at times.

Sorry to hear this re. Mr Lamb - apologies if you have already explained this, but how long have you been seeing him? And what are your feelings about him - I assume that as you call it a situationship and you are dating others, it's a FWB type set up?

Are you happy with that, or would you like it to be more? I think FWB can be so tricky to handle. I have an FWB currently and it works well, but only (I think) because we were together "properly" for 5 years which was in many ways a disaster - so we both know in our heart of hearts that trying to be exclusive just wouldn't work for us.....

But I think if you have never tried exclusivity with the person, and there is lots that you like/find attractive about them, then the fact that you are in a sense keeping each other at arm's length (emotionally if not physically) can be confusing and hard to deal with....

That's obviously only my experience, and I know some on this thread have non-exclusive relationships/situationships that work really well for them. It's such a personal thing, I guess.

It's completely normal to feel like this and please don't beat yourself up about it in any way. I get sad if a normal friend forgets my birthday, let alone someone I have romantic feelings for .....

Ib many ways there is a real positive to take here from the fact that you realise your worth, and that actually, you have every right to expect someone you are close to to recognise your birthday - it's the very least you deserve!

Ideally, what kind of relationship would you like to have with Mr Law? And do you see that ever happening? And if so, what would have to change?

Sometimes we feel anxious for a good reason and it seems from the little you have said that you are more invested than he is.

That's not an easy place to be, a lot of people on OLD aren't there for a relationship in the traditional sense, despite what they say.

I hope Mr Lawyer comes good, but if not there is sommeone nicer round the corner 😘

Do it! Did you do it?

Please message him back something snotty then block x

Lovey it's time to slide Mr Lamb gently 🗑wards.

You can be in a non traditional set up and still value peoples' time 😘😘😘

So mr lamb met him in dec and we had a what I would call a fling great dates, loads in common and lot of sex but the issue he is still living with his ex- now I know people do say well maybe she thinks they are still together but I don’t think this the case - however despite saying on numerous occasions he want sort out his domestic situation nothing has happened - I decided by Feb it wasn’t going to work - and have dated a bit since the. but we stayed in touch and about 3 weeks ago he came round and we had great sex and kind of thought it might be a semi regular thing.
however I did tell him I was going to still date and he hasn’t come round since - he is busy with work and I am very deliberately not rearranging my life around him - so I am not it’s anything really

Sounds like the chemistry between you both is really good, and it's so hard to think clearly when that's the case.....

But I am getting the feeling that he maybe wants things all his own way? Wants you to be exclusive with him while he continues to live with his ex, a situation you clearly aren't comfortable with (and for very good reason - I was non-exlcusively seeing a guy who "lodged" with his ex about a year ago, and started to become suspicious, and have since found evidence that makes me 99% certain they are still very much a couple - and honestly he seems like the sweetest, most honest, least likely to live a double life guy you could ever imagine ....)

You are setting your boundaries in an admirable way, and it looks like he isn't ready to step up and respect them. Which is totally gutting - I get that. You really do deserve better though.

But it's so hard to move on when your heart is hooked on somebody else. Chemistry and great sex are almost designed to mess with our common sense, I guess .......