The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Hi ThreeMogs. I really really don’t think it is necessary to try and list the poor qualities in an ex, unless they really were a dud. I wouldn’t be able to for my ex either and it would make me feel sad to try. And that is a GOOD thing. It means he is a lovely person, who I didn’t “waste” any years on. I can be proud of what he and I had together. We didn’t work out for specific reasons, but those reasons are neither due to HIS faults or MINE.

I think sometimes, when you’ve had a nice relationship that didn’t work out, it’s not actually helpful to try and focus on the negatives of the person basically. You’re basically gaslighting yourself then that someone was a dick when they weren’t. You can be grateful for the happy times. It does, however, take a long time to get to that headspace. In the meantime, can you try and keep reminding yourself of the specific reasons you ended things? Focusing on this can sometimes help to stabilise thoughts when you’re upset at what was lost. While focusing on yourself and your happiness in this era. You’ll find your next era with a lovely guy who things will end up working with, whenever that era comes to you. Life is made up of eras and they don’t all have to be with the same person, and sometimes those eras can be friendship-focused, not relationship. It sounds like your open mic post that your smashing your current era!

This is such a kind post. Thank you.
I am doing my damndest to make the absolute most of my life, but currently doing it very much a la Taylor Swift - with a broken heart.

How's your day going? I dont want to be a thread hog with my misery.

For what it’s worth I think you are doing just fine, it will get easier and until then keep going 💐

@ThreeMogsAndCounting it sounds like your life is going impressively well.

I'm in awe of the stand-up!

It's not stand up - that really would be impressive! Im not that funny.
Its spoken word poetry. I thought I'd said 🤭🤪
Sorry!

I expect you did say and my brain failed me 🧠

This is such a lovely, thoughtful and wise post. I really love the idea of preserving happy memories of a relationship even if it doesn't end up lasting forever.

Not always easy of course. And it can take time. I have so many happy memories of my relationship with DD's dad, but it did take a long time, years in fact, for me to be able to really enjoy them.

This is lovely news, all of it - both the fact that you are doing more with friends etc, and also the fact that your relationship with Chef is blossoming. Making sure he arranges his share of the weekend dates is a good boundary to hold, I think. But it all sounds great - well done you! You should be proud of yourself - it sounds like you have handled the problems in your relationship with real compassion, dignity and grace.

Massive congrats to you for the open mic stuff and the work success - this is all brilliant news.

So sorry that you are struggling with your feelings for Beardy Ex right now. I remember when I felt very sad after a break up (which actually turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me - but that's another story) my life coach told me to picture the memories very small, and in black and white, so that I could still think of them but they didn't swamp and overwhelm me. Sounds a bit weird written down, but for some reason it really did help when the anguish was at its worst.

Does anyone else not really care if their dates happen? I think I’ve finally reached the stage where I’m still open to meeting someone but I’m just not too fussed how first dates etc pan out now, I must be over it or OLD tired 😂

That seems like a strength to me?

I hugely get this. Before a first date I am often secretly hoping they cancel!

In theory I would love to meet someone and have a lovely relationship with them. But all the stuff we have to go through to make that happen is HARD!

I get that. The less invested we are early days, the better really.

By the way, sorry I have been quiet over the last couple of days - I had a horrible experience at work. I made a small mistake (it really was so minor - I don't want to put it on here as it is too outing, but honestly, you would laugh if you knew what it was) . And a young man who is senior to me but not my line manager in any way absolutely bollocked me for this in a public, horrible and degrading way. It's really knocked me for 6 and I haven't been sleeping well. I have honestly never been spoken to like that by a colleague in all my 30 years of teaching ....

Since then I have been feeling like shit. I know I need to sort things out with Cricket - end things with him for good - but I just can't face any kind of drama. I feel like just curling up and staying in my bed, bascially.

I know it's ridiculous to allow the words of a man I don't even care about to impact me like this. But I absolutely hate this kind of thing.....

Sending you lots of love @Ilovelurchers xx

Hope you're feeling better. Please don't let this young pretender get away with that. Report him to your line manager or HR, he is well out of line. No one has the right to belittle you.

@Ilovelurchers so sorry. I hope the callow yoof gets what he deserves.

Union rep ? 😘😘😘

Unfortunately HR is not much of a thing in teaching and teachers are treated like SH1T.

Yes I believe so, I have a few friends in the profession and they all say the same thing. He sounds a right tosser that needs bringing down a peg or two.

Can you email him and say that having reflected on it you aren’t comfortable with how he addressed it and you don’t feel it was appropriate in public to do that. At least then you’d have something in writing?

@comingintomyown So glad to read your update! Great to hear it’s going well

@ThreeMogsAndCounting So awesome that you are on a roll! The relationship as change programme piece sounds funny and I have a feeling I would enjoy it! There will be a day where you no longer give two hoots what Beardy things about you, just keep focusing on your amazing self.

Yup, me! Haha. The last one I even skipped a Pilates class for. No more. Dates must fit around Pilates!

@Ilovelurchers Sorry to hear that. What a little toad. He must have terrible management skills to have done that, how unprofessional. Be kind to yourself. Don’t be in a rush to do anything for Cricket, he can just wait.

This is me. 💯

I have stopped.

But I also think it is worth pushing through that feeling if you want to meet someone. Ultimately what we are doing is meeting up with strangers. It is hard to get excited about that. It is a leap of faith. It's hard for someone new to compete in with an easy, safe night on the sofa. I never regret the dates when I go. I always try to make sure I go somewhere interesting so it's not just about the person. I used to see it like going to the gym. It's the consistency that gets results but you always want to skip a session.