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The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

910 replies

Ilovelurchers · 04/10/2026 17:01

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

  • Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 12/10/2026 22:14

Nosdacariad · 12/10/2026 21:42

Sorry @Ilovelurchers

He sounds like a wet lettuce.

Just blocked a guy pretending to be a "lawyer" when he isn't. Some of the fibs even my dogs wouldn't believe.

You know, reflecting on it a bit, I can see some real positives from ending things with Cricket:

A) when I see my dd's dad for our chat, I can be completely honest about my feelings towards him and how we might move forwards. I felt very conflicted about having this chat before, as it didn't seem fair to be saying to an ex "there are parts of me that sometimes wish we were still a family" if I was seeing someone else, even in a fairly casual basis as it was.
B ) both of my closest platonic male friends have invited me to do stuff over half term - spa with one, day out in his city with the other. Again, I had a degree of confidence about spending a one on one day with a man if I was dating someone. (Especially the spa TBH, even though I think of then both as brothers ....)
C) when FWB comes back from France, maybe I can have him over for some recreational fun....

I may as well enjoy my freedom while it lasts, hey? It actually feels quite good that I have enough in my life that losing a potential relationship opportunity doesn't seem like a totally depressing failure.....

(Though ask me tomorrow and I might eat differently - I tend to find my mood goes up and down in situations like this).

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 12/10/2026 22:15

Ilovelurchers · 12/10/2026 22:14

You know, reflecting on it a bit, I can see some real positives from ending things with Cricket:

A) when I see my dd's dad for our chat, I can be completely honest about my feelings towards him and how we might move forwards. I felt very conflicted about having this chat before, as it didn't seem fair to be saying to an ex "there are parts of me that sometimes wish we were still a family" if I was seeing someone else, even in a fairly casual basis as it was.
B ) both of my closest platonic male friends have invited me to do stuff over half term - spa with one, day out in his city with the other. Again, I had a degree of confidence about spending a one on one day with a man if I was dating someone. (Especially the spa TBH, even though I think of then both as brothers ....)
C) when FWB comes back from France, maybe I can have him over for some recreational fun....

I may as well enjoy my freedom while it lasts, hey? It actually feels quite good that I have enough in my life that losing a potential relationship opportunity doesn't seem like a totally depressing failure.....

(Though ask me tomorrow and I might eat differently - I tend to find my mood goes up and down in situations like this).

Conflict, not confidence. I had no confidence about it!

OP posts:
Nosdacariad · 12/10/2026 22:34

TBH Lurchers I'm in awe of all you do.

I did your job for 30 years and all I was fit for at the end of the day was to slump on the sofa 😘😘😘🙌👏

Reginablitzing · 12/10/2026 22:43

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 12/10/2026 20:10

Glad it’s not just me! Not hearing at all today has left me a bit unsure 🧐

Me too. I just asked mr sweet to turn notifications on cos it was frustrating me - the lack of pace.

BoxOfCats · 12/10/2026 23:20

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 12/10/2026 20:07

I have a new iron Mr History, date arranged for next week so we will see. I hate when a date is a week away 😬 don’t know why really think it’s just the waiting game.

How do you all feel about messages before a first date? We arranged the date within a day of messaging but now his messaging has tapered off (it’s only been 3 days since we matched but nothing from him today)

I feel like a mid week and then weekend check in would be ok?

I don’t love messaging so personally I keep it mini my once a date has been locked in.

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 13/10/2026 06:45

Ilovelurchers · 12/10/2026 21:30

Ooh, good work - what kind of date is it?

I know quite a few people tail off with messaging a bit once the date has been booked in. For me that's not a red flag, but I prefer it if there is some messaging at least, so that I know for sure they haven't just changed their mind and ghosted (I have had that happen a few times too).

It’s just a drink in a local pub near me, but he does live 1.5 hours away so is making the effort to travel.

Im sorry about Cricket, so frustrating, but you deserve someone better x

Thereisalight4 · 13/10/2026 07:21

ThreeMogsAndCounting · 12/10/2026 18:52

Chatgpt and I have been arguing over whether a grade 2 listed house is worth the building restrictions and how non negotiable an en suite is.

It feels marginally less futile than whether a fish photo is a deal breaker or not 😏

Fish photos are automatic deal breaker for me as ex-husband was into fishing and it was so dull

Incidently seems much less common hiking seems to be the new fishing but I don’t mind that and pictures are nicer!

Reginablitzing · 13/10/2026 07:57

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 13/10/2026 06:45

It’s just a drink in a local pub near me, but he does live 1.5 hours away so is making the effort to travel.

Im sorry about Cricket, so frustrating, but you deserve someone better x

I’ve had messages from men an hour or so away and I rule them out. Am I over thinking l? I jump several steps ahead and think I don’t want someone moving in with me and they’re too far away.

Nosdacariad · 13/10/2026 08:56

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 13/10/2026 06:45

It’s just a drink in a local pub near me, but he does live 1.5 hours away so is making the effort to travel.

Im sorry about Cricket, so frustrating, but you deserve someone better x

The travelling is a great sign. 🌟 to him.

Nosdacariad · 13/10/2026 08:58

Reginablitzing · 13/10/2026 07:57

I’ve had messages from men an hour or so away and I rule them out. Am I over thinking l? I jump several steps ahead and think I don’t want someone moving in with me and they’re too far away.

No you are not overthinking.

You know what suits you.

Tennis is 45 min away and I find it a bit much.

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 13/10/2026 09:14

Reginablitzing · 13/10/2026 07:57

I’ve had messages from men an hour or so away and I rule them out. Am I over thinking l? I jump several steps ahead and think I don’t want someone moving in with me and they’re too far away.

I think it’s whatever your personal preference is, I don’t mind driving and so it doesn’t bother me too much, but it does mean you can’t just meet up for a quick coffee etc at short notice which is a definite down side

ThreeMogsAndCounting · 13/10/2026 09:15

On the plus side you're not bumping into them in the co op after it's all gone wrong, so that's a bonus... 😏

empirebiscuits12 · 13/10/2026 09:16

I was in a relationship with someone who was a one hour drive away and it was fine at the time. But then my next relationship he was 4 miles away, and now I wouldn’t go back to anything more than about 15 miles. But that’s just me personally, everyone is different ☺️

Nosdacariad · 13/10/2026 10:35

ThreeMogsAndCounting · 13/10/2026 09:15

On the plus side you're not bumping into them in the co op after it's all gone wrong, so that's a bonus... 😏

Had this with Planes. Un ideal.

ThreeMogsAndCounting · 13/10/2026 12:01

Nosdacariad · 13/10/2026 10:35

Had this with Planes. Un ideal.

Mr Certainty lives 2 roads away. It's rubbish.

empirebiscuits12 · 13/10/2026 13:11

ThreeMogsAndCounting · 13/10/2026 12:01

Mr Certainty lives 2 roads away. It's rubbish.

Oh dear, I’d hate this. I live in a big city so almost never bump into ex’s x

Nosdacariad · 13/10/2026 16:56

empirebiscuits12 · 13/10/2026 13:11

Oh dear, I’d hate this. I live in a big city so almost never bump into ex’s x

TBF I was in a pub in "his" village but I was going there ten years before he ever did so he can't keep it in the split 😂 also if he ever stayed out of the pub he wouldn't have seen me 😁

BoxOfCats · 13/10/2026 20:17

So Mr Charismatic hasn’t been in touch since last Friday. We often go a day, sometimes even a week between messaging, but I’d replied to him on Saturday and messaged again Monday and… no response. Not sure what is going on but it’s out of his usual pattern so I’m not feeling great about it.

Mr Bay asked if I’d bought anything on my trip - I mentioned a new sarong - he said he’d love to see a (pg rated) pic if I didn’t mind sending one. I got a very enthusiastic voice note in reply, telling me I look amazing. So that was nice. However I’m still on holiday, then he’s away for a week - so will be at least a couple of weeks before we can actually line up a meet in person…

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 13/10/2026 20:25

I have a date arranged with a new iron Mr Christmas this weekend. This is a new one for me because I’ve never arranged dates with more than one person at a time before? So I suppose I’m looking for a “that’s ok”

Kaltenzahn · 13/10/2026 20:42

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 13/10/2026 20:25

I have a date arranged with a new iron Mr Christmas this weekend. This is a new one for me because I’ve never arranged dates with more than one person at a time before? So I suppose I’m looking for a “that’s ok”

Definitely ok! If you're on the apps it's pretty much expected that you'll be dating/talking to a few people at the same time at the first date stage.

How far in are you with your original iron? Around the 3rd date mark I would probably initiate a chat to make sure we were on the same page re multiple dating (or not!) but then this is all a bit hypothetical as I've never had an iron from OLD make it past date 2!

Kaltenzahn · 13/10/2026 20:44

@BoxOfCats very disappointing from Mr C. I hope you're having a fabulous holiday though, the irons can wait!

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 13/10/2026 20:54

Kaltenzahn · 13/10/2026 20:42

Definitely ok! If you're on the apps it's pretty much expected that you'll be dating/talking to a few people at the same time at the first date stage.

How far in are you with your original iron? Around the 3rd date mark I would probably initiate a chat to make sure we were on the same page re multiple dating (or not!) but then this is all a bit hypothetical as I've never had an iron from OLD make it past date 2!

It’s first dates with both!

Clarabella77 · 13/10/2026 20:59

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 13/10/2026 20:54

It’s first dates with both!

Totally fine. I do it all the time.

Although I did have to tell a white lie when someone I was chatting to once asked me when my last date was. I didn't want to say I had two coffee dates with two different men the previous weekend. They were both unsuitable but it's not a good look. That guy cancelled on my anyway!

(one of the reasons I have stopped online dating was I was hardly liking anyone so therefore giving everyone a chance and inevitably they were wrong. Not advisable).

Kaltenzahn · 13/10/2026 21:05

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 13/10/2026 20:54

It’s first dates with both!

Oh that's completely fine! Don't worry about it at all. Have fun!

Nosdacariad · 13/10/2026 21:17

@BoxOfCats sending hugs for MrC situation.
It'll be plan B then? Mr Bay?

@AlwaysCarrieSATC positively recommended by Kate Taylor.

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