The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Ilovelurchers I'd normally tut a dick pic but I would like to see the solid gold cock 😁🍆

Yes agree with that. You’d think he’d pull you closer not push you away totally after a death. It’s a him issue.

Fuck. Just got hijacked by Google photos. I have been avoiding the memory compilations on the whole, but this one popped up with the title 'selfies' and a thumbnail of me with one of the cats on my face and I thoight I'd open it. First photo that shows up was a selfie of me With Beardy Ex pressing his cheek up against mine with his arms round me and both of us grinning like loons.

Im sitting at the kitchen table while yhe kids get their lunches ready for the week and trying to hide how upset I am.

Fuck this.

When am I going to stop missing him and get the meh like I do about Mr Certainty. That would be so much easier and more convenient.

He's coming at the weekend to do the remaining house maintenance thi as required and im going to have to find something to do with myself out of the house for six hours. It feels like a clock ticking down. I would desperately like to stay and see him but I know if I do it'll wreck me for weeks. Im still recovering from last time.

It's so hard @ThreeMogsAndCounting

Anything you can do right now?

5 minutes outside wrapped up warm?
A hot shower?
A cup of tea?

Sending love 😘

Oh I am sorry to hear this. As the wise and lovely @Nosdacariadsays, do some self care if you can - treat yourself with the kindness and love you so thoroughly deserve.

This may sound like a weird suggestion, but last time I was really struggling with break up grief and flatness I staffed doing jigsaws! I picked some up from charity shops dead cheap - and they really helped to sooth me somehow - I got the idea from my brother, who started doing them on his therapist's suggestion when his depression and anxiety were really bad. They are very soothing, and sort of gently draw your focus away from the pain. Some easy kinds of craft, like simple knitting or even colouring type crafts, can do the same for me.

Thinking of you, lovely. This too shall pass! Xxx

Mr Cricket hasn't read the message I sent last night, which he will have seen was me asking him if he was including dinner in his "invitatuon'.

Fuck him. Feel very used, and I thought better of him to be honest. I shared my home, my food and my body with him. He's fully entitled not to want to pursue things (I wasn't certain myself) but I am owed more than silence. I would never have ghosted him.

I need to get back on the apps, I guess. I think I last went on after my first date with him, so it's been a while....

For all I know he is dating several others. And to be fair I never asked him for exclusivity. I am more annoyed with myself that I stopped looking for others - I could have some nice dates lined up right now too distract myself!

Bloody, bloody men. Never mind. I'm just glad that I always had some ambivalence towards him - I was never fully ready to commit. My instincts were clearly serving me very well! I'll listen to them harder next time.

I decluttered a small cupboard and a drawer today and had a nap because I seem to be fending off a bug. Now watching structly frim under q blanket and hoping the kids finish uo what they need to do without me riding them.

I was hot and cold all night, tossing and turning. Think I'll be wfh tomorrow rather than dealing with the 90 minute commute.

What a dick. But yes, you were ambivalent for a reason.

Don't waste another thought on him. He's not worth it.

I'm so cross on your behalf!

While you've been off the apps there should have been a refresh of available men so time for a swipe-fest ♥️💙♥️

The decluttering and the nap will really have helped though it may not feel that way yet.

Great job and I hope the bug doesn't materialise 🌟

@coolpattern So sorry to hear that. The loss is so hard when it felt like something actually had genuine potential. It sounds like he had some deep issues going on, I hope you aren’t blaming yourself.

I agree with trying to find something else to focus on in the short term, easier said than done I know! For me that’s been exercise. I also found it a good exercise during my last breakup to make a list of 10 things to do that I would enjoy, anything from going on holiday to enjoying a coffee in bed with a croissant. Then focusing on how I could make those things happen.

Yes that’s a pretty poor show not to reply. Do you think you would still meet him again even if he does reply? Such a shame, he sounded like such a good ‘un earlier on!

How did I not see this? What a cunt.
Block, delete, move on.
The ambivalence was probably your intuition protecting you from getting in too deep. Be proud of yourself and respect those wonderful boundaries of yours.

@Nosdacariad I am well thanks, how are things going for you? I’m chuckling at Gemini calling planes a scrub!😂

I’m still on holiday in Oz with my friend. Our resort in the Sunshine Coast is on a popular running route, meaning countless topless fit men run past us every day 🫣😄 I can’t say I’m complaining! Still messaging Mr Bay who is responding enthusiastically. And wondering when I will next see Mr Charismatic - our busy schedules mean that by the time I get back I won’t have seen him for a month!

Glad you're having a fabby (well deserved) time.

I'm jealous of the hot joggers 😁

Well done on the decluttering - that's another great way to distract yourself, and it also gives you a tidier drawer at the end of it, so it's a win win!

Sorry to hear you aren't well, though. There seems to be lots of viruses doing the rounds at the moment - so many kids off at school, and staff - and if you are coming down with something that won't be helping your mood, either. WFH sounds like a good call - and remember, if you wake up feeling worse, it's perfectly valid to ring in sick. Restinf and allowing ourselves recovery time when unwell is another important part of self care, and I think those who have the option to work from home often neglect this and try to "soldier on". But if you're poorly, you're poorly. Please be kind to yourself! Xxx

@Ilovelurchers eurgh, I'm so sorry. What a disappointment. To use your wonderful phrase, you are the prize, and fuck him if he can't put effort in and see that.

Also 4th date - don't give it a second thought!! I'd say that's absolutely fine.

@Reginablitzing I had EMDR last year and it changed my life. Stick with it x

Been trying to catch up and sending love to all.

Small and maybe not great update from me...

I spent the day with a friend this week who told me something Mr CS said to her when I took him out with my friends a couple of weeks ago. Very outing, but let's just say it's a lifestyle compatibility I didn't realise the extent of.

I of course decided the best thing to do was get rip roarlingly drunk and call him. We were on the phone for an hour, I can't remember everything I said and he reacted badly, very defensively, which I didn't like. Then I called my friend crying.

He's apologised for a couple of things since and we've been chatting lightly over the weekend. We're meeting tomorrow and I'm trying to keep an open mind about whether he will a) change this part of his life and b) if I can live with it if he doesn't. Neither of which I'm too sure about. And now my friend dislikes him.

Sigh. Being a grown up is RUBBISH. I've absolutely fallen head over heels for him.

ETA - of all people, The Fireman popped up when we were still arguing the next day. Why do they sense these things?!

You're so right. Its especially challenging because I'm the only person who does what I do at my org and ive just launched a new project that's still got bugs to be worked out and content to be added and i bloody love my job and the people I work with and I actually look forward to working, but not if I'm struggling like I am today. Fingers crossed I'll get a good night and wake up feeling better. I can at leastnpace myself and take it slow if I'm wfh. Not so much if I have to take into central London.

So. Now im curious. In broad terms. What do you all do for work?
I'm in communications, currently at an international org.

Ok - you can't leave us hanging like that? Is he into ethical non monogamy? A heavy vaper? A secret weekend lycra lout (aka cyclist) ? What's the lifestyle incompatibility?!

Fireman has radar!

Oh bugger. Mr CS has a downside. I get it's outing but I hope it's legal and not too offputting - or if it is then I hope you're able to do what's right for you xxx

I talk to people and write stuff 😁

Fabulous!

Sounds like a great job

I'm a teacher - I sadly don't have the option to WFH. I absolutely love my job - my career and my daughter are the two things I have got right in my life. Oh, and good relationships with family and friends.

Everything else is a fucking disaster, mind! 🤣

My mind went straight to drugs or BDSM!

You obviously don't have to tell us. Hope it's something you can work around. Or if you can't, I hope you can make peace with moving on....

I guess at least you know, now. Only the truth can set us free .....