The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

You might well find you only need a small number of sessions, or even just one - it can be so effective. I am not saying you would be fully "cured" then - which of us ever is? - and there would still be more work to do - but maybe just one or a few sessions with a really good hypnotherapist would kind of shift the darkness - or at least significantly reduce its power over you - so the light could start getting through? (Sorry, that's a weird way to put it - that was the visualisation my hypnotherapist used and it was SO powerful.)

Unfortunately the one I used isn't practising currently or I would PM you the deets - but I am sure if you started a thread on here for recommendations when you feel ready, you would get some good ones. And I also think with any kind of therapist or counsellor, the very first time you chat to then you kind of get a strong instinct as to whether they are a good fit for you.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself lovely - and keep posting on here - we will do our best to cheer you up, or even just sit with you in the dark tines. Xxx

We really do a number on ourselves dont we

Youre kind, lovely and hopeful post has really made me cry.

I have been hiding generally and then I thought I’d try posting here and iim so glad I did

It is a really lovely corner of support.

I havrnt done hypnosis for ages. I needed EMDR because I had a series of very traumatic things happen in short succession, including SA just after my relationship ended (from a old friend id gone to for support) and that was so so helpful.

Sorry for all the typos. Super tired and being very carelss

That's hideous.

What a betrayal 😱 I can't imagine how that affected you.

Compliment is essential if commenting on size!

I’m so sorry to read that x
awful thing to happen to you.

yes it’s emdr thst im having. And similar to you I had a succession of things happen in a short space of time which affected me deeply for decades. Then this thing with recent ex has pushed me further.

What a truly horrible thing to happen to you - I am so sorry you went through that. Xxx

We're all glad you did too! Your support, kindness and helpful observations are a huge asset to the thread - and I am so pleased you feel you are getting support as well as giving it. Xxx

Morning 🌞 Tennis coped well with me saying I wasn't going for either option.

Have you replied to Cricket @Ilovelurchers ?

Morning everyone, I’ve been withdrawn and sad for weeks since Mr K dumped me. I’m absolutely gutted and have cried everyday for the past few weeks. I don’t understand how we went from having such a wonderful and close relationship to me being frozen out after the death of his friend. I’m trying very hard to remember that he wasn’t perfect and some things annoyed me, but he had the most potential of any of my relationships post divorce.

Welcome to all the new names, I’ll work on familiarising myself with your irons and stories but sounds like we’re all very much in the same boat, so much love to give.

@Nosdacariad @Ilovelurchers I’m so disappointed in the low level of effort your new chaps are giving you. I wonder also if the impending winter makes people want to stay home more, but I’d certainly prefer more effort than a frozen pizza.

@coolpattern how long were you seeing Mt k for? I think it’s the sudden switch that’s most hurtful. The coldness.

I am so sorry to hear this. Try to hold onto the fact that it will get easier in time. Time is a great healer, but she's no anaesthetist .....

I asked him what kind of thing he was thinking, and whether I should have dinner first. He hasn't opened the message! He would have been able to work out the content from the preview tho (it was a very short message).

Presumably he thinks it's unreasonable of me to expect food, and his solid gold cock should be enticement enough!

(Sorry, he's just really pissed me off. He must assume I am really desperate!).

He won't think you are desperate. He was very lucky to experience that date with you.

It's just his true character revealing itself now.

Sending lots of ghost hugs and sorry you're so sad.

I'd feel the same if it were me - please talk it through with us if it helps 💐💐💐

What an arse, unless he has a very very good reason for not replying!

Will you leave it there?

Eta also what @Clarabella77 said.

What a dick.
you are worth more effort

Ah i'm so cross for you. A couple of weeks ago, Mr Lax, offered an at home dinner invitation (he's actually a good, thoughtful cook and cooked for me on many occasions), but then volunteered he 'couldn't be bothered cooking'. I had the same reaction as you. Well, I can't be bothered attending!

You deserve effort, intrigue, organisation and tonnes more than a boxed pizza - especially at this early stage. And it's no reflection of you because you're obviously not desperate. If he's dropped his effort on that basis then, well, what a plank. He won't improve. These types never do!

Urgh that’s so disappointing I think you are fair to be annoyed by that

I’m so sorry this sounds really difficult sending support 💐. It’s so hard to accept that people can just be so cold and self absorbed xx

Thank you, just six months but we were frighteningly similar and it felt so right. I feel a right fool. X

Thank you lovely one. I’m not sure if he completely played me but I feel so bitterly disappointed and I think he had avoidant tendencies. I just need to stop thinking about him constantly xx

Absolutely no need to feel a fool on top of the natural sadness.

It's very very likely that what you experienced was real and genuine, and you did everything right. This death of a friend has triggered some sort of fear and doubt about continuing a serious relationship. That's a him problem. It doesn't negate or undo the feelings you shared with him or your value as a potential partner. Please remember that.

I totally get that. I'm like that with planes who Gemini says is a scrub 😂

It will fade, and everyone at their own pace I think.

Have you any lovely things to look forward to? Any projects or outings?

I know it can feel not worth it because you probably want to plan things with him while simultaneously being cross and upset.

I felt like I couldn't plan my future because I had started seeing my future with him?