The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Reginablitzing, shall I distract you with an update on my bewilderingly static and yet simultaneously confusing love life? Then at least you can see that things could be worse! 🤣

I'll go iron by iron, even though most of these aren't really irons in the proper sense.

Mr Cricket - after our first shag on Sunday, when I invited him over, wore an LBD, cooked an Indian meal from scratch including home made naan, and generally pushed the boat out, he has only just now - 6 days later - got around to actually asking me on another date. Well, he hasn't even done that really. He has asked me if I am free Wednesday evening.

I have asked him what he has in mind. I am much of your opinion on Tennis, @Nosdacariad. I will only go if the date itself sounds enjoyable. Because I am honestly feeling quite underwhelmed by him and his lack of enthusiasm at the moment. Maybe sporting Irons are no better than their vehicular counter-parts.

I am effectively being exclusive with him at the moment though no conversation has been had - but to be honest my enthusiasm is dwindling and if things don't pick up soon, I might call a halt. It's a shame as he is great company in some ways - but I want romance and to feel desired!

FWB - is out of the country. He refused to ever go abroad the whole time we were together, despite me practically begging - I truly believed he wouldn't leave his dog - that's what he insisted (he is one of those dog owners who is never parted from their dog, so it was plausible). Then his best mate who lives in France offered to pay his flight and put him up, and off he fucks like a shot. It's actually pissed me off. He's a fucking leech. But it's also reminded me how right I am not to pursue a relationship with him.

DD's dad - despite all of your wise counsel (once a cheat always a cheat etc) I am still haunted by a lot of what ifs about how happy the three of us could be as a family. So I am actually seeing him one to one next week when DD is away on a trip. This is NOT a date. But I do intend to find out where is head is at and get clarity. If he does want to try again that obviously will be a huge huge thing and I would have SO many questions, things to consider etc. But first of all I just feel like I need to know what he's thinking, and that I can't properly move forward in any direction until I do.

Even if he declares undying love, nothing will happen that night - I am planning the evening to make that impossible. Because it would be such a huge thing, it has to be approached with great caution.

Iron in the Wild!!!! This is a new one, though I think I briefly mentioned him in an earlier thread - he works in a model store near us. DD likes building and painting models, so we go in fairly often and once did a free workshop in there, and she has for a while been saying she reckons he fancies me. And today I must admit, it did seem that way. Guys in hobby shops are always friendly, but he does seem to speak differently to me - and I remembered last time I was in there and he was letting his colleague go for lunch early, and did it in this massively performative way like he was giving the guy a kidney, and kept looking at me as he did it. (I know that anecdote makes him sound like a knob, but actually it was also kind of sweet). I find him really hot, and if things go tits up with Cricket I would be very keen to date him - but how does one possibly turn this kind of passive acquaintanceship into a date? I did think about putting my phone number on a piece of paper, giving it to him and just never going in there again if I don't hear from him - but is that predatory? If a guy did that to a woman who worked in a shop, I might think it was a bit creepy?

So that's my love life in a nutshell. A bunch of confusing, annoying guys doing nothing, basically, and probably none of it will lead anywhere. Fuck my life!

(But I have a job I love, a great daughter, lovely family and friends. Fuck my love life is more apt - the rest of my life is pretty damn fortunate!).

Update - the "date" Cricket has invited me to is "you could come to mine". Not even any reference to a standard Tesco pizza!

Could it be more low effort? Feeling a bit used, actually. Maybe I am being stupid and over sensitive, but if he thinks I am just going to come round and jump into bed with him whenever he can make time for me in his busy schedule, he's got another thing coming......

I'm actually relieved that my feelings towards him were already quite ambivalent - otherwise I'd be feeling pretty deflated right now .....

@Reginablitzing I hope the sadness passes and you find a way to have a lovely evening to yourself and fall in love with your own company.

@Ilovelurchers thanks for the update. It's a shame Crickets has turned out to be disappointing. I sometimes think effort can drop off after a first shag. My own update is more of a shit show and may make you feel better.

I deleted Hinge because I am burnt out with all the chats and coffee dates.

After some recent drama with unavailable but attractive men I decided to resume things with Mr Cyclist. I cancelled a third date with him because I was busy. He is keen, does everything right but something is lacking for me. He is keen to resume the third date next weekend, so I will give it another chance. I feel I owe it to myself to try because I have a clear addiction to men who don't want me but pursue me anyway. (See recent drama).

I saw Mr Casual, the guy I have been hooking up with casually for best part of a year, the other week, despite attempting to end it in June. Nothing has changed but I feel a bit more detached at least. He has no interest in me beyond what we have.

I have a guy in real life who I have had a flirtation with for a long time. Last year we kissed when drunk but transpired he wasn't single. I avoided him until the other week when it happened again. I know that is terrible and I told him it couldn't go further but when I see him he looks at me longingly. I will be avoiding.

This is why I don't deserve a relationship. I have a horrible pattern of developing feelings in situations that won't ever become something real. Hence why Mr Cyclist gets another shot (even though I feel like I am stringing him along).

@Clarabella77 you DO deserve a relationship!

@Ilovelurchers this will be on my tomb...or at least a t shirt

sporting Irons are no better than their vehicular counter-parts.

FAB U LOUS 🌟

Google "modern handkerchief drops" it's what you need for craft shop guy

Cricket...I think that deserves a tumbleweed 🤫

Thanks for the distraction.
yes i too have a job I love and am good at. I
have good friends. Last time I was single I met my good friend and we hung out all the time. But now she has children and a partner and it’s much more difficult.

Tea and easy telly
I’ll cook a veg curry for visiting dd
im trying hard to hide my misery to her but she bought me a gift and I cried ! As is her tough live way she said what you crying for 😂
And yes gifts to future self is a great idea.
so moisturise sleep if I can and sort the house out. Get my stuff from his :( but there’s loads

I'm not a fan of Mel Robbins but one thing stuck.

What would you do if you knew you would meet your final and greatest love, your happy ever after, in three months' time?

Do that xxx

Thank you for all your kind comments.
@Ilovelurchers how has this one to one come about? That’s potentially good sign. Tread carefully anyway

Oo I love that! I’d make sure I was the best version of myself. I have anxiety issues and having therapy for cptsd. So really immerse myself in that process so im better mentally. And make my home a sanctuary. ATM I arrive home and sit outside in my car for ages before I can go in.
I’d also go have fun with friends.

that fits in nicely with gift to future self.

You DO deserve a relationship. It's not as if you are choosing to develop feelings for flakey or unavailable guys out of some kind of malice! Unfortunately, the heart wants what the heart wants - and it's not the only part of our anatomies that sometimes has a mind of it's own where "unsuitable" guys are concerned!

It's clear you have reflected and identified a pattern - which isn't easy and is actually the first step towards breaking it - so give yourself some grace for that! And by giving Cycling a second chance you are taking a positive step towards trying to break the pattern ....

I think you should go into it with an open mind and heart, but also, don't feel like you have failed in some way if you DON'T develop an attraction to him. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there, and however nice and however suitable a guy might be, you just can't force these things.

I think you should see it as a win regardless - the fact that you have identified an unhelpful pattern and are working to change it sounds like a really positive step to me! Xxx

@Ilovelurchers Thank you for taking the time to write all that. You are right, and I have made some progress in how I assert my boundaries even if I can sometimes be a bit wobbly in holding them.

Onwards and upwards! I do have a belief (and it may be a cop out) that no matter how smart it sensible we are as humans, when it comes to sex and attraction it can bring out the animal in us, and we just do stupid shit!!! 😅 (See nearly every man, ever. 😅)

Bless you lovely - I hate the thought of you sitting out in your car not even wanting to go into your home. I really hope the therapy works for that - you hugely deserve not to feel like that!

Have you ever tried, or would you consider, hypno-therapy? It's helped me enormously in the past to be able to detatch from emotions that were ultimately really hurting me. It's strange - it can put you in a place where you are still intellectually aware of the emotions, yet able to function and feel ok despite them - it's like it breaks their power over you. Helps you move forward when you feel completely stuck.

You need a good practitioner though - there are a lot of charlatans out there, sadly!

I suggested the one on one, but I was careful to give him an easy out if he didn't want to meet. Strangely he didn't reply to my message suggesting it for days, so I assumed it was a no (which would have been an answer in itself really). But then he got back and suggested an evening.

My absolute priority is doing the best by my daughter - so I will not risk any kind of reconciliation unless we are both willing to do the work to make sure it works this time. For the last few months we have vlveen sort of weirdly dancing around each other (not literally, don't be alarmed!). And it's upsetting my peace in a way. I feel like we need total honesty, so we can both move forwards, whatever the answer is.

If he does want to try again, I would probably suggest a few sessions relationship counselling before we even started anything physical.

But look, I am getting ahead of myself. There will always be love between us, and a certain spark of attraction, but he may well feel there is too much water under the bridge for anything to happen between us now. And he may well be right!

Thank you all for listening to me bang on about this, and for sharing your words of caution. This is indeed a situation in which I cannot be too cautious!

That's such an interesting question!

It's probably a sign of my appalling values, that I would pay for FWB to come away with me to some secluded villa in the South of France with a hot tub, and have as much sex as we possibly could. Hugely varied sex as well - he is the only lover I have ever had I have been able to be totally open with about my every fantasy!

(Just to stress I wouldn't be paying him actually for the sex! But I would pay for the holiday as there is no way he would go halves. And he'd love the sex - I have never met anybody so open minded and with such an epic libido!).

Mr cricket doesn't deserve you. You went to all that effort, of home cooked food, dressing up etc, and he didn't even turn up with a bottle of wine and some flowers, now he's invited you to his, with absolutely no effort, and he will probably be wanting a roll in hay with you. He's a prat, you deserve so much more.

@Ilovelurchers Urgh, that’s sooooo disappointing re Mr Cricket. Honestly what a poor show. You deserve a lot more thought and consideration than that! I just wouldn’t even bother replying for a few days at least…

@Nosdacariad Also disappointed to hear about Mr Tennis. I can’t imagine ever inviting someone over (least of all a date) and serving a ready made meal of any kind, let alone a pizza. I must admit as well that if a man can’t cook it’s a massive turn off for me. Probably because my ex of 10 years was a terrible cook and I got very tired of doing 95% of all food prep!

@Ilovelurchers what is apalling about you a single woman having sex with a single man? Not a thing 😘

@BoxOfCats how are you?

Tennis can cook he just chose not to because it's too complicated cooking for a vegetarian 😱

He has suggested a grisly pub half way or a better pub nearer him for tomorrow. I went to him last night.
I've said I'll be too tired and maybe next weekend.

Oh I struggled with this for months, especially coming back after work or if I knee the kids weren't going to be in.

I dont even think about it now whoch shoes how far ive come, but i remember that dread well.
I got chatgpt to give me some mantras. The one that worked the best was "ive come back home to the life I'm bulding"

Thank you - that actually bought a few tears to my eyes, so maybe the whole thing is bothering me a bit more than I thought!

It was disappointing that he turned up empty handed - he"s pretty well off too so I doubt it was the money - he just couldn't be bothered to pick something up - which is rude I think.

And now to be just suggesting I come over - no mention of dinner, drinks, a film, anything ..... The clear message I am taking is that he sees it as a booty call.

I was pretty complimentary about his sexual performance - it wae decent to be fair but also I think it's important and kind to reassure a new partner - so perhaps he thinks I was so impressed I will go to any lengths to have another go on him......

He is very mistaken!

@Ilovelurchers you have such a lot going on. Is it a bit overwhelming?

Maybe time to rest and restore? 💐♥️💙♥️

Did you reply to 🏏?

I’d consider hypno therapy actually. I could do with taking the edge off the intensity.

But yeah finding a good practitioner is key. I’d travel for a good one.

You are right of course.

Generally I feel pretty positive about my attitude towards recreational sex these days - but I think the feeling that Cricket has potentially now relegated me to casual shag status because I had sex with him on the fourth date is working a bit corrosively on my subconscious - I am imagining him feeling slightly disgusted by how enthusiastic I was, and it feels a bit shaming of I am honest.

(And I realise that a) I don't actually know he thinks that, and b) if he does it just proves he's a misogynistic loser.)

That's interesting re. Tennis' pub suggestions. How calculated do you think it was - do you think he has reasoned that by naming one close to you he might appear respectful/considerate without any risk of actually having to put himself out, because he knows you won't choose the grim pub? Or is he the kind of guy who will happily drink anywhere, and probably doesn't realise how off-putting the pub closer to you is?

Either way, good boundary work there from you - well done! X

Yes my kids are in their 20s and it’s only youngest that comes home every few weeks. So it’s tough abd lonely. And I work an hour away.

that’s good you don’t feel this any more! Hopeful.

If cricket has done that as you suspect, it's entirely on him.

That's what you would say to me if roles were reversed ♥️

I don't think thought has gone into the suggestions really. I think it's just what he fancies doing 😁 eta Tennis. But actually both.

Tennis also suggested going to his again and tbh the thought of going back to be groped again is not that enthralling. Which tells me he's probs not the right person.

I have described my relationship with dc dad as a tree with deep roots but the branches have grown apart. It got me through some dark times.

Relationship counselling sounds v sensible.