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The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

910 replies

Ilovelurchers · 04/10/2026 17:01

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

  • Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 09/10/2026 22:14

ThreeMogsAndCounting · 09/10/2026 21:14

This made me properly actually laugh out loud for real.

I dont know why I am so averse to the fish thing. Mostly because it just seems so silly.maybe I should give them a chance?

I am having an enjoyable evening and o thoight I would share my evil glee with you all.

In between the break up with Beardy ex and going back on the apps I briefly dated someone who, to avoid having to give a very complicated backstory, I will call an old friend, aka Mr Certainty. It didnt last very long as it turns out he was much better in the 'friend' role than the 'boyfriend/partner' role.

Anyway. We live near each other and commute on the same train. So far we'd managed to avoid bumping into each other, but this week we ended up in the same carriage, which I didnt realise until we got to the station. I smiled and said 'hi' as I went past him on the stairs and I have never seen anyone look so horrified. Tonight he sent me a text asking for clarification as he thought we were no contact and did i want or need something and why couldn't I just be straight with him.

Honestly I have got an entire evening's entertainment out of replying ' nothing I want or need, just don't wanna be rude' and then discussing the whole thing with my bestie.

Honestly, what a twerp. If you want no contact don't message asking about no contact 😆😆😆

I admit this may not be as funny when you don't know the whole backstory, but its cheered me right up!

This IS funny - so he wanted you to actually ghost him n person? Just look straight through him as if he wasn't there?

In reality he obviously actually leapt on having even an fraction of an excuse to contact you. Methinks the iron doth protest too much ......

OP posts:
ThreeMogsAndCounting · 09/10/2026 23:16

Ilovelurchers · 09/10/2026 22:14

This IS funny - so he wanted you to actually ghost him n person? Just look straight through him as if he wasn't there?

In reality he obviously actually leapt on having even an fraction of an excuse to contact you. Methinks the iron doth protest too much ......

My bestie and my AI agree with you. I knew he is a bugger for overthinking but I cant believe a simple smile and 'hi' got him stewing so much he needed to message me.
Thankfully I got the ick after our last interaction so he doesn't get to me at all.

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 01:19

Back from a date with tennis.

His housekeeping puts mine to shame. Dinner was tesco pizza and strawberries. He did not wave me off. He did inform me that I have really big tits.

SortingItOut · 10/10/2026 05:41

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 01:19

Back from a date with tennis.

His housekeeping puts mine to shame. Dinner was tesco pizza and strawberries. He did not wave me off. He did inform me that I have really big tits.

Oh wow, how are you feeling about that date?

I wonder why men are so coarse? I'm not a rude at all but.....

Ilovelurchers · 10/10/2026 07:53

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 01:19

Back from a date with tennis.

His housekeeping puts mine to shame. Dinner was tesco pizza and strawberries. He did not wave me off. He did inform me that I have really big tits.

Hmm ... . Was that how he put it? If so, that's pretty bad (I think - I guess some would mind it more than others).;

(I am now trying to figure out whether there is an acceptable, polite way to tell a date she has big tits...... )

Was it a luxury pizza - Tesco Finest or something? Or just a standard one?

OP posts:
ThreeMogsAndCounting · 10/10/2026 07:53

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 01:19

Back from a date with tennis.

His housekeeping puts mine to shame. Dinner was tesco pizza and strawberries. He did not wave me off. He did inform me that I have really big tits.

Errmm....
Your post doesn't really convey your thoughts on this, but the lack of information comes across as information in and of itself....

Im going off Mr Steampunk. After the first couple of days he's not really down much curiosity or interest in me. It's more like he's enjoying having someone to display himself too. Nothing major, just no real questions, despite being explicitly told to ask me some (he's on the autistic spectrum so I thought I'd try some directness) and it's kind of a deal breaker for me. I want someone who is fascinated by me - especially in the first few days!
Next!

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 09:03

SortingItOut · 10/10/2026 05:41

Oh wow, how are you feeling about that date?

I wonder why men are so coarse? I'm not a rude at all but.....

It gave me the ick.

I noticed this happened with Planes, I would get the ick (eg finding out he was going on an evening out with the ex over the road) and it would fade. I'm not sure I should let it fade.

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 09:07

Ilovelurchers · 10/10/2026 07:53

Hmm ... . Was that how he put it? If so, that's pretty bad (I think - I guess some would mind it more than others).;

(I am now trying to figure out whether there is an acceptable, polite way to tell a date she has big tits...... )

Was it a luxury pizza - Tesco Finest or something? Or just a standard one?

That's verbatim. I'm not a prude either but it would have been more acceptable if he had said something complimentary with it.

It was a standard pizza😂 however this is the peak of culinary effort I have experienced from a man since DH died.

However I'm not sure it matches the "I'll cook you dinner" line 😂

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 09:09

ThreeMogsAndCounting · 10/10/2026 07:53

Errmm....
Your post doesn't really convey your thoughts on this, but the lack of information comes across as information in and of itself....

Im going off Mr Steampunk. After the first couple of days he's not really down much curiosity or interest in me. It's more like he's enjoying having someone to display himself too. Nothing major, just no real questions, despite being explicitly told to ask me some (he's on the autistic spectrum so I thought I'd try some directness) and it's kind of a deal breaker for me. I want someone who is fascinated by me - especially in the first few days!
Next!

Good choice!

I think my new position on Tennis is I'll go on dates if they are appealing and convenient 😁

AlwaysCarrieSATC · 10/10/2026 09:38

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 09:03

It gave me the ick.

I noticed this happened with Planes, I would get the ick (eg finding out he was going on an evening out with the ex over the road) and it would fade. I'm not sure I should let it fade.

Oh no that’s disappointing for you, tennis sounds like a nonchalant Norman 😞
onwards and upwards

Ive been chatting to some new matches but they all have the conversational skills of a potato so I’m not bothering to reply anymore

CleverOpalBalonz · 10/10/2026 12:09

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 01:19

Back from a date with tennis.

His housekeeping puts mine to shame. Dinner was tesco pizza and strawberries. He did not wave me off. He did inform me that I have really big tits.

This has really made me laugh.

CleverOpalBalonz · 10/10/2026 12:12

Why do men think this is a good way to speak on a date? Or that it’s ok to “cook” a ready made pizza. I would be so disappointed.

Ilovelurchers · 10/10/2026 14:03

CleverOpalBalonz · 10/10/2026 12:12

Why do men think this is a good way to speak on a date? Or that it’s ok to “cook” a ready made pizza. I would be so disappointed.

I agree. This might sound weird, but if I honestly couldn't cook I would at least buy a luxury pizza, or maybe order in a takeaway one?

Was food the main purpose of the date, or were you watching a film or something?

OP posts:
Reginablitzing · 10/10/2026 15:06

Pizza is very low effort.

in really struggling today. I can’t stop thinking about stuff.

and I think I’m too vulnerable to meet anyone irl. It’s funny that men don’t seem to care about issues at the start. They brush over that. I’ve been deadly honest and it doesn’t put them off. But then.of course these things do become an issue later. I hate where I am right now.

ThreeMogsAndCounting · 10/10/2026 15:12

Reginablitzing · 10/10/2026 15:06

Pizza is very low effort.

in really struggling today. I can’t stop thinking about stuff.

and I think I’m too vulnerable to meet anyone irl. It’s funny that men don’t seem to care about issues at the start. They brush over that. I’ve been deadly honest and it doesn’t put them off. But then.of course these things do become an issue later. I hate where I am right now.

Edited

What sort of stuff are ruminating on? Is there anything you can do that will distract your brain? I find certain TV series can occupy me enough most days that my brain stays away from the painful stuff for the most part.

If you need company, though, we're here.

Reginablitzing · 10/10/2026 16:00

ThreeMogsAndCounting · 10/10/2026 15:12

What sort of stuff are ruminating on? Is there anything you can do that will distract your brain? I find certain TV series can occupy me enough most days that my brain stays away from the painful stuff for the most part.

If you need company, though, we're here.

I think I need company.
I cant concentrate on tv. Not even traitors!
Just about ex. And being alone. Feeling really sorry for myself. Sorry to be so miserable.

Kaltenzahn · 10/10/2026 16:41

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 09:03

It gave me the ick.

I noticed this happened with Planes, I would get the ick (eg finding out he was going on an evening out with the ex over the road) and it would fade. I'm not sure I should let it fade.

Oh gosh, that date doesn't sound like a winner! I think the ick is there for a reason - you might be able to look past it but if it's bothering you early days (when everything should be sunshine and romance and great sex) I reckon it'll resurface later down the line.

This only applies if you actually feel the ick - if you like someone enough you can be aware of something that might put you off in a different context but if the person is great enough what would be an ick just washes over you. Talking about "The ick" sounds a bit silly but I do believe it's just a symptom of a greater incompatibility that can present in quite funny/trivial ways.

For what it's worth I wouldn't be impressed by that date. Not everyone is a good cook (I'm not!) but for gods sake at least get some sides and a nice pudding. Or get a takeaway. Not waving you off is poor and the comment about big tits boggles the mind.

I only know you through the thread but I think you deserve far, far better than that effort.

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 16:45

CleverOpalBalonz · 10/10/2026 12:12

Why do men think this is a good way to speak on a date? Or that it’s ok to “cook” a ready made pizza. I would be so disappointed.

It's because they expect us to fall at their feet at the slightest effort!

Kaltenzahn · 10/10/2026 16:45

Reginablitzing · 10/10/2026 16:00

I think I need company.
I cant concentrate on tv. Not even traitors!
Just about ex. And being alone. Feeling really sorry for myself. Sorry to be so miserable.

Don't be sorry! We've all had our moments when we come on here feeling a bit low. Have you got anyone you can call in real life to pop round with a bottle of wine and keep you busy for the evening?

I find it easier to keep my mind still when my hands are busy - do you have any crafting hobbies? Could you cook something a bit more complicated this evening to take your mind off it (and treat yourself while you're at it)!

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 16:48

Ilovelurchers · 10/10/2026 14:03

I agree. This might sound weird, but if I honestly couldn't cook I would at least buy a luxury pizza, or maybe order in a takeaway one?

Was food the main purpose of the date, or were you watching a film or something?

He CAN cook. He can also make pizza from scratch. He says it was because he didn't know what to cook because I'm vegetarian (apparently the only vegetarian in existence).

Eta dinner was the purpose of the date

If only there was a handheld computer where one could type a few words and choose from thousands of easy vegetarian recipes for free...

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 16:57

Thank you @Kaltenzahn I have decided I will only go on future dates with him if they are fabulous and convenient.

@Reginablitzing sending love 💐💐💐
What if you accept that tonight you may feel rubbish (I'll be about if you want to chat) and you give yourself a few little things that you think you might need, knowing that they won't stop you feeling rubbish but you need them anyway?

You know what you need but...

Hot bath/shower
Clean sheets and nap
Guided meditation on you tube
Lots of tea and easy telly
Send a message to someone (not dating related)
Give a gift to your future self (get something done or ready)

I realise this might be easier to say than do xxx

Ilovelurchers · 10/10/2026 17:03

Reginablitzing · 10/10/2026 15:06

Pizza is very low effort.

in really struggling today. I can’t stop thinking about stuff.

and I think I’m too vulnerable to meet anyone irl. It’s funny that men don’t seem to care about issues at the start. They brush over that. I’ve been deadly honest and it doesn’t put them off. But then.of course these things do become an issue later. I hate where I am right now.

Edited

So sorry to hear this, lovely. Is there anything nice you can do to take your mind off it?

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 10/10/2026 17:05

Reginablitzing · 10/10/2026 16:00

I think I need company.
I cant concentrate on tv. Not even traitors!
Just about ex. And being alone. Feeling really sorry for myself. Sorry to be so miserable.

No need to say sorry. You have every right to feel whatever you feel. Life can be bloody brutal at times.

Just remember, what you are feeling now will not last forever. You will be happy again.

Sometimes, just weathering the storm and getting through the day is a massive achievement, and something to be really proud of.

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 10/10/2026 17:07

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 16:48

He CAN cook. He can also make pizza from scratch. He says it was because he didn't know what to cook because I'm vegetarian (apparently the only vegetarian in existence).

Eta dinner was the purpose of the date

If only there was a handheld computer where one could type a few words and choose from thousands of easy vegetarian recipes for free...

Edited

That's a shit excuse! So he can make pizza from scratch but only if it's covered in meat? It was beyond his capability to not put meat on it?

Makes no sense......

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 10/10/2026 17:08

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2026 16:57

Thank you @Kaltenzahn I have decided I will only go on future dates with him if they are fabulous and convenient.

@Reginablitzing sending love 💐💐💐
What if you accept that tonight you may feel rubbish (I'll be about if you want to chat) and you give yourself a few little things that you think you might need, knowing that they won't stop you feeling rubbish but you need them anyway?

You know what you need but...

Hot bath/shower
Clean sheets and nap
Guided meditation on you tube
Lots of tea and easy telly
Send a message to someone (not dating related)
Give a gift to your future self (get something done or ready)

I realise this might be easier to say than do xxx

These are lovely self care suggestions. Xxx

OP posts:
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