Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

[NorthSouthUK]

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

What is the sticking point?
If you’re prepared to go at 12 and he joins you later then it should be quite straightforward.

So you pay for everything, even his court cases🙄.

Did you have a house for him to move into?
House him and his child?

Are you the main breadwinner?

If you are then it tracks with just another woman being used by a man for childcare and housing for his child.

What a waste of your life.

At 10 with alternating christmases he is right to want to have his child for the full time you can choose to sit with your mum and dp joins later? As a child of divorced parents the constant shuffling and feeling left out of the other parents life is hard enough without a step parent deciding dad needs to sit with them in grief rather than have time together. He's not wrong for wanting a magical day with his child you are not wrong for wanting to support your mum.

Mmmm quite. I’m starting to go off him given these updates….

@Greatexpect "December is a long time away in grieving terms."

You honestly think an elderly widow should be more or less fine after 5 months? This is a woman who has lost the man she spent 60 years of her life with. She will barely remember a time when they weren't together. It's like being hit by an express train a hundred times over. Especially when (as per the OP's mum) you're in your 80's and frail with nothing but a short future ahead of you.

Well it sounds like this is the first Christmas together since the one that was cancelled due to some odd parenting choices? As that was cancelled then they had to fight for custody again then it was meant to be every other year. A child deserves to see both parents if at all possible. As the OP doesn’t particularly want to ‘put on a show’ and wants to be with her own mum it seems obvious they just need different things this year. So either the OP spends the whole day with her mum or the afternoon or something in the middle. That has nothing to do with her husband’s priorities for the day which must be his own child.

I'd stay at home for Christmas Eve - and make that a big thing with special meal and some presents, like they do on the continent. (if it's lovely, that could even become a new tradition in your household).

Then leave early in the morning to have the whole day with your DM.

Your DH is honouring the parent-child bond by having his DD for the day. You are likewise honouring the parent-child bond by supporting your mother - and being supported yourself - following your bereavement.

I'm afraid the fact that it's your SD is relevant. It's him who needs to honour that bond. You're obligation is to him - not your SD - and frankly this Christmas, your DM takes priority. (And if your SD was your own DC, the issue wouldn't exist - you'd just all go to your DM's together for the whole day)

You're not depriving his DD, because you're not her mother. If you weren't married, he would always be spending his Christmases with his DD without you there. It's still Christmas with his DD. You're not forcing something different on him.

You could possibly go after stockings on Christmas day, but personally I'd make the cleaner break (for everyone) by heading off early. Then you're not tempted/guilted to stay longer. And their morning isn't shadowed by your imminent departure. It's just a lovely father-daughter Christmas.

Dh joins you after 4pm

He’s not coming across well from this thread

I agree. His daughter will be with him for 4 days up to Christmas. We all have to do things we don't like sometimes and this is one situation in life when you would hope that your DH would support you.

Not sure this is a totally fair summary of the situation.

Why on earth did you put a 7/8yo in a pull up for one bed wet? That's insane and no wonder mum wasn't happy. She probably struggles to trust your judgement.

She doesn’t have to be ‘more or less fine’ but grief comes in stages and she might feel ready to visit her daughter and family. Or not.. hence the back up plan

I am not sure why people are saying he is so bad...from what I can see they made a choice the ex wife disagreed with about putting DD in pull ups (which I agree with was wrong). Ex then made life tricky so he had to go to court which is expensive (and maybe his finances have already been depleted through a messy divorce and setting up a new home with OP).
He cut off contact with his mum after she sided with his ex.

He would have had DD when OP got into the relationship and she would have made a choice then over whether it is worth pursuing.

I agree he shouldn't be expecting OP to run the show at Christmas time and she shouldn't need to be all out jolly, and this should be the case each year anyway where he pulls his weight. If that is the bigger issue then maybe that is a different issue and whether the relationship is working overall needs to be considered.

Spend Christmas with your mum.

Your husband can sort out Christmas day and dinner for himself and his own daughter. It's his year to do so and he's a grown up, so he should be perfectly capable of it, as he would have had to anyway if he hadn't re-married you to do it all for him.

My kids 11, 8 and 6 have celebrated Christmas on different days since they were tiny because I work shifts. None of them is traumatised. In fact, they’re chill, kind and totally fine.

Having Christmas differently this year is not going to cause this little girl to be traumatised. Pull yourself together.

OP’s stepdaughter doesn’t need everyone to set aside their own feelings to prioritise her completely. She needs a lovely few days run up to Christmas and then have a great day with her dad.

Spend the day with your mum. I can’t believe your DH is being a dick about this, rather than being supportive and sympathetic for your loss.

Their are so many solutions to this other than SD going home early .

This sounds like the best option.
You can spend a few hours with you mum then go home and spend the later evening with DH just the two of you.

I’m sure she’ll be over the loss off her husband of 60 years by Christmas 😬

This, but I’d bet the DH can’t cook for himself or his child so needs the OP there to ‘ make it special’ for his DD.

@Noras "We are only just into Autumn and levels of grief pass through stages. Mum might be completely different by December and then SD has lost a decent Christmas with dad."

She won't be completely different. She only lost her husband of 60 years a few months ago. In fact she'll never be OK again for what remains of her life. Yes, as a widow I know that grief passes in stages. Even after 11 years I still find an unexpected tear on my cheek in the supermarket or some random place sometimes. But we're only talking about months for this poor woman and (in case you've never experienced it) the first Christmas spent entirely alone after such a life altering loss is like a knife being plunged through your heart.

I was trying to do the math on that too. I feel like that's a very over the top reaction from OP & the dad, and I can understand why the mum would be concerned. Putting an older child back in pull ups can be hugely detrimental to both their thoughts of themselves and their toileting.

For what it's worth, I think your partner is right to prioritise his DD. The magic of Christmas only lasts so long. Can you not drive separately to your mum's, with you leaving at 2.30 after an early lunch, and him at 4?

Spend the morning with DH and his DC, then you go to your Mum’s. DH can join you after his DC goes home.

It really isn’t

That is not what I meant, and your grinning face is a bit inappropriate on a bereavement thread, don't you think?