Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

[NorthSouthUK]

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

Personally your mum would feel better around people and moping is not good for her so I would probably be a bit more forceful - she will have a bedroom to retire into to cry and people will understand. I remember just bursting into tears on Christmas Day the year after my dad and
my mum died but it’s good to be around people as long as they understand. Otherwise she will just sit there in misery and reminisce. She is doing that every day anyway.

Sadly this is her new reality.

Does she get grief counselling or any help?

Go to your mum at 4pm for the evening.
It's highly unlikely she will want to ruin the day for a 10 year old child, so won't thank you for doing so.

Odd that you alternate your mother and his child anyway - make a new tradition of having everyone together.

I would prioritise your mum and leave DH and DSD to it. If he can’t get why you’re doing that, it speaks volumes about him. He doesn’t need to get why you’re doing things and why you feel a certain way. DSD is 10, she’s old enough to understand why it’s happening.

You put an 8 year old in pull ups because she wet the bed?
WOW!
No wonder her mum stopped you seeing her.

christmas Day with your child is incredibly precious. I wouldn’t be asking my DH to give up 4 hours of it for any reason. Especially not to sit miserably in his MILs house. December is a long time away in grieving terms. Leave it for now and agree with your DH that you’ll try to persuade your mum to come over and experience some of the magic that is having a child there on Christmas Day. If not, you will head off after you’ve spent the morning with them and go to your mum and he can join after 4.

I disagree with moving DSD out. Christmas is a special day for kids and the meal / crackers and pudding are part of the fun of childhood

Also it’s early days. By December mum might be more resilient and able to mix.

Dont let SD down she will remember it. 10 is a young age still.

It might do mum good to think of others as it might motivate our of grief. Losing a husband is cataclysmic after such a long time but she needs to remain in this world or she might give up. Happened to my father in law and he died exactly a year after almost to the day. he was just buried in grief.

Go to your Mums on Christmas Eve, your husband can join you after his child has gone home. If he can't see that you need to be with your mum then he doesn't have a heart.

You put a seven year old in pull ups ?????? Because they wet the bed ?????? That’s wild !!! Children wet the bed for lots of reasons don’t think it warrants a pull up !!!

I'd go and spend a few days, which would include Xmas day, with your mum, leaving your DH to spend his quality time with your SD.

Wait what? You put your stepdaughter in pull ups? What a bizarre drip feed.

Your stepdaughter is not responsible for her arguing parents or bereaved stepmother. The biggest priority here is your husband creating as lovely as day for her as possible, particularly after the shambles the last time. You can decide what that means for you, but your husband must prioritise his child here.

The ex-wife being difficult isn’t relevant to the situation at hand. If anything, it makes it more important that your DH prioritises his DD.

So it looks like the SD is traumatised - bed wetting could he a sign of that.

She is the child in all this and everyone else including your mum is the adult.

I'm not sure what you mean. I was responding to someone who said they shouldn't spend the day "wallowing" to suggest that sometimes that is exactly what grieving people need to do.

You put a child of 7 in pull ups because of a once off bed wetting?!

It's really sad how many people think the best way to solve problems in human relationship is to just get rid of the relationship. From what I read online it seems like more and more people are willing to "cut off" significant others - family, friends - at the first sign of difficulty or disagreement. I guess it makes for a quiet life, but I think it indicates how far we have gone down the path of losing the skills we need to live together as social animals.

It really doesn't need to be a fight.

His daughter is, and 100% should be, his daughter.

Yours is, and 100% should be, your mum.

So yes, you each do your own.

Tell me he isn't the sort of twat that will be put out by that because he expects you to cook Xmas Dinner?

I think what is important to your mum is marking the day with a small ceremony eg light a candle / say a prayer. let her know you are thinking of dad.

All Saints Day 1/11 is cathartic for that.Are you going to mark that day?

But she has to be here / in the world of the living - maybe a bereavement support group as well?

She can do all that with you ( light a candle etc( but you can still give your SD a lovely calm day. All kids can wet the bed especially if stressed and pull ups are not the answer. Your SD needs a calm cohesive unit. One day if she comes to love you you will realise how lovely that is to have someone loving you unconditionally as kids do.

I am sorry for your loss, and as an only adult DC myself I agree it sucks when you’re the one looking after a DP. However you are an adult and your DSD is a child, of course it’s right that DH would prioritise her and he wouldn’t be a good DF or person if he didn’t.

I would suggest you both do what you need to do on CD with you focused on your DM and DH on what’s right for DSD, and then have Boxing Day as a special day for just the two of you and do something special together.

While I agree the DH needs to prioritize his daughter, surely the "need to create as lovely a day for her as possible" doesn't trump the need to create a lovely and loving day for a bereaved and lonely widow. This attitude - that making things nice for the kids must come first, whatever the emotional or financial cost to any adult - is how we are creating selfish little monsters with no interest in or empathy for others. Any day can be made a special day. Sometimes for reasons beyond people's control, a Christmas is kind of shit, and that's okay. We'll get over it. Life isn't a performance.

I think that people now have much more insight into how trauma and challenging relationships play on children’s minds. Most kids don’t grow up into little monsters. The little monsters are the ones traumatised when young who might developed personality disorders / narcissism.

We are only just into Autumn and levels of grief pass through stages. Mum might be completely different by December and then SD has lost a decent Christmas with dad. She would most likely ne stressed to know that her SM and D are split on the day/ at lunch.

Sorry but an adult even if in their 70s or 80s does not have the same response to Christmas. Mum could just as easily celebrate on the French / German way on Christmas Eve with daughter

How far away is your Mum. I can understand your DH wanting to keep to the original plan with his daughter.
Id leave the plan open with you Mum and see how she fells closer to the time. It seems early to be squabbling about this. Your Mum really might be happy to spend most of the day on her own.

Is it selfish not to want to laugh and make merry when you're grieving? What exactly is making the OPs mum selfish?

In your situation @NorthSouthUK I would go to your mother after lunch on Christmas Day and spend the evening/night with her.

DH and ex swap years so SD is with mum this year and your DH can support you and your mum

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I lost my Mum last April and it turned out that my Dad spent his first Christmas without her in hospital. I left my children for the afternoon, I felt terrible as it was my youngests first Christmas, and went to spend it with him.
I'm eternally grateful that I made that choice though as I lost him this April, so this year is my first without any of my parents. I would make the same choice again and again and encourage you to go and see your Mum for as long as you both need.