Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

[NorthSouthUK]

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

Hi Op. I'm very much in your mum's position. My husband of 40 years passed away a few days before Christmas last year.
If in your position I would want you to prioritise your family as they are your future.
Christmas really doesn't mean as much to her as a 10 year old.
Maybe visit her Christmas Eve and of course you can phone her in the morning and assure her you will be over later.

I was wondering if this is part of the dynamic too…

It sounds like you were proposing to spend the morning at yours with DH and DD until midday anyway, then going to your mums. So stick with that plan, the only difference is that they dont come with you. You will spend part of the day with each and DH spends the whole day until 4pm with his DD.

Are there other sexist stereotypes factors in play though? For example you "can't drive" or he "can't cook"?

The emoji 😬 is not grinning, it mean cringing with secondhand embarrassment in this context.

I think both your mum and husband need to compromise. There is a mid ground and are either of them thinking about you in this?

Christmas apart this year. We lost my mum two years ago and my parents were married for over 50 years and there was no way I was leaving him on his own over Christmas.
I do understand your DSD will be DHs priority though so being apart is the only real solution as your mum doesn't feel up to visiting you.

Why are you the one always out of pocket? Why are you the one paying for holidays for him and DSD and paying for his court fees to get access to his daughter?

Let me guess he also moved into your house right?

Go to your mum. Husband needs.to be more supportive. Kids will have many more xmases. Your mum.might not. And you dont want to be left with the memory that in her hour of need you left your mum on her own. It will haunt you and you'll resent your husband. He needs to grow up a bit and develop some compassion.

im so sorry for your loss.
I know from experience that first Christmas can be tough for everyone.
If your mum is feeling too low to come to you for Christmas day i dont think wether you go to see her at 12 or 4 pm will make much difference to her. Have you discussed things with your mum and what she would like to happen?
I can understand your DH wanting christmas lunch with his DD too.
If this were me and my mum didnt want to join us but did want to see us at some point ,id either go myself for lunch and DH join later or have lunch with DH and DSD and go for tea/supper and the evening with your mum.

You are expecting a recently widowed elderly woman to put her adult DDs feelings above her own comfort?
I would have thought the year of loss she would at least be allowed to stay at home if she wanted. Do we know if she actually wants or expects OP to spend the day with her ? Maybe she would prefer to be alone.

It would be very useful if we knew the distances involved here, am half expecting some sort of game changer like the DM lives an hour away and OP can’t drive.

I'd have DSD round as normal, and you leave and go to your mum's for lunch onwards then. Fair to support your mum, not have grieving people (having been one) around an otherwise happy celebratory occasion with a child involved, and DH still gets his Christmas with his daughter.

Why are you out of pocket every time?

Has he moved into your house?
Is he expecting you to cook Christmas lunch for him and his daughter?
Would he be able to cook lunch for them both and then drive to your mum’s to meet you?

If he has no money, house, cooking or driving capability, then I’d start to wonder what he is actually good for.

Putting an 8 year old in pull ups because the my wet the bed once is a very poor choice as well.

You need to be with your mum. Talk to her about what would work. However your husband needs to be with his daughter. So if mum won't come to you, you go to her and spend it separate from your husband. However I would also explain that this is a one off, as bereavement is so recent. When the next time rolls around that you have SD until 4, you will expect your mum to come to you.

Weaponised incompetence ...

I agree with this. Totally understand your mum will be feeling in the depths of grief after losing your dad but if they were married 60 years he must have been very late 70s or early 80s at least - it’s not a huge shock when someone goes at that age and I don’t think it merits everyone else’s Christmas being organised around the grieving person, to the detriment of a child who only gets to see her dad every other Christmas Day.

Idk I think grief can affect everyone differently. When my DGD died, my DGM basically went to ground for months, refused to see anyone or speak on the phone even. He was 91 and she started blaming his heart failure on the COVID jab.

It is also worth asking your DM if she even wants company on the day and saying you're happy to come over at XX time this year but also will respect it if she'd rather spend the day in peace and quiet.

This. Also you are grieving too. Your dh should be supporting you as well at least emotionally.

I would bet if you are not there to host Christmas for dsd and cook Christmas dinner he ships her back pronto.

But I think you should just go and spend as much time with your mother as you can. Don’t even bring him. He sounds selfish and would just spoil the time with your mother.

What does your Mum want? You’ve not actually said. I lost my dad a month before Christmas and my Mum really struggled with Christmas and in the end spent most of it by her choice by herself. We offered, but she was adamant and did the right thing for her. No one likes the idea of someone being alone on Christmas Day, but it is the right thing for some people.

At the moment, I would leave it open, neither of you can predict how you’re going to feel. I found grief comes in waves, and there were periods when I felt okay, then to be hit again by another wave any time later, Your DH quite rightly needs to prioritise his DD so just make those arrangements and stick to them and then if you need to see your Mum, you make it work. Christmas dinner can easily come ready made and just stick in the oven to save lots of prep.

Take care of yourself, leave DH’s ex for him to sort out and if she starts mucking him around, that’s his issue to deal with, you don’t need that on your plate.

In the circumstances your mum is your top priority. Your DH is perfectly capable of enjoying Christmas with his DD without you for once. You need to make it clear now that this is what will happen this year so that he can plan.

You have a lot of responses, and I’ve not read them all, but what you’ve suggested really seems to put others first. You sound very kind in your suggestions.
You’ve factored in young children, them getting enough time with you over the holiday season, and then your mum’s needs.
I hope your husband sees the bigger picture.

Initially I was very "dsd isn't an issue, take her with you all or bring mum to you" but reading your responses I can see this would be awful for your mum and make you uncomfortable too.
I'd do the separate thing, wake up together, have a lovely morning and then take food to your mum, see if you can get her out for a walk and to eat something and grieve together.
I can see your dh point, you get so few Christmases with children if you're divorced, I'd not want to give up my time with my child either, but you have different priorities and that's ok. Also your mum will probably prefer just you without dh, so she can fully be herself.

I would for this year spend it either my mum and my partner would understand

Wow, I don’t think it matters that it’s not a shock, she was with him for 60 years and is absolutely devastated and grieving. I hate this view that death isn’t painful for people if you’re older

This. I wanted to spend Christmas day alone after the death of my husband. Both of us often used to work at Christmas anyway. Family had different ideas and in the end it was OK but maybe ask your Mum what she wants to do.

Agree - I thought I was fairly callous - comes with the territory with two extremely elderly DPs with dementia- but even I wouldn’t dream to assume the depth of someone’s grieving.

It would be different if it were a couple of years down the line and the DM was insisting that the OP come to hers, but honestly her DH has only just died, cut the poor lady a break, we don’t even know if she expects OP to spend the day with her.