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Original poster

Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

364 replies

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:40

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 04/10/2026 10:14

LethargeMarg · 04/10/2026 08:44

i agree with this. Invite your mum , offer to collect her etc, drive her back etc but i wouldn’t miss xmas lunch with partner and ds. I wonder if the lunch aspect is a lot for your mum and she may not want a typical xmas anyway? you could always have xmas tea with her?
i think a 10 yo still gets very excited for christmas and would likely be sad if it was just her and dad…amd does lunch take till 4 just the 3 of you? could you have lunch then drive over to your mum after?

Show quote history

Alternatively she might be thrilled to have Christmas with just her Dad. My favourite childhood Christmases post parents divorce were when my Dad was single.

We don't have info about the stepdaughter and OPs relationship, but the fact she wants to get rid of her early is a clue.

Aiming4Optimistic · 04/10/2026 10:15

I think your husband is being a bit of a dick tbh. He has his dd for 4 days - it wouldn't kill him to do the big meal on Christmas Eve, or to give up a few hours with his dd, to support his grieving wife and mil. It's the first Christmas after an unexpected loss and she's your mum - I wonder what he would expect from you, if this was his mum!
Id actually be really disappointed in him and wouldn't want to do the whole big dinner thing while my mum was alone. I totally understand her not wanting to travel this year.

Rainbow1961 · 04/10/2026 10:17

Dandeloosha · 04/10/2026 07:23

Does your mum actually want to spend Christmas Day with you? There is always this assumption that people have to spend Christmas together and sometimes they just want to be left alone. Check with her first and be guided by what she wants. She may prefer a quiet day and then a visit on Boxing Day.

^ This sums up exactly what I thought. ^

Be receptive to what your mum wants - Christmas may be the last thing she wants to think about and could very well yet another day that she needs to get through without her DH. She is grieving as is OP but for some people life has to go on regardless whether it is Christmas or not. I hope you can find a solution OP and I'm sorry for your loss.

malefields · 04/10/2026 10:20

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/10/2026 09:56

I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

He's prioritising his daughter over his wife who wants to be with her grieving mother alone at Christmas. Bloody right he's selfish. His wife's a daughter as well, isn't she? and her mother might well want to see her on Christmas Day. Funny how that doesn't appear to have occurred to him.

Edited
Show quote history

His daughter is still a child, it’s hardly a bad thing that he’s prioritising her.

rainbowstardrops · 04/10/2026 10:22

I agree with a pp. Does your mum even want to mark the day at all? Does she definitely want to see you on the actual day?
Your husband should definitely stay with his daughter because he only gets this time every other year.
I know your mum is struggling right now but it’s not very fair to put you in this position (if she’s putting pressure on you that is).
Having said that, I don’t think I could enjoy myself at home knowing that she’s sat there all by herself. I think you’re just going to have to have separate Christmas Days this year.

harriethoyle · 04/10/2026 10:25

Your DH is not being “rigid” about his time with his daughter. There can be very little flexibility in a co-parenting relationship and if he shortens this Christmas, that’s it for two years. I’m surprised you don’t recognise that - and I speak as someone who lost her DF a few weeks ago, and would never compromise my DHs Christmas time with my DSC.

Splitting the day is far fairer to both you, your DM and your DSC. She doesn’t become a lesser priority because of your bereavement.

DearCritic · 04/10/2026 10:25

Why don’t you leave at 12 and then DH can join you a few hours later? She might like some 1-to-1 time with her bio dad anyway. And your bio mum might like time with just you too.

I have no idea why you’ve used bio mum in your OP, but carrying on the theme. 🤷‍♀️

LivingDeadGirlUK · 04/10/2026 10:27

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:45

She doesn't want to. She's withdrawn at the moment and not in the mood to be around people. I think forcing it will reinforce the sadness into the day at our house.

Show quote history

I think that is understandable and yes you should do Christmas apart this year. If your DH gets annoyed about it then he is a selfish arse. We had the first Christmas without Dad 4 years ago and it was a very difficult day, there was no way it wouldn't be, but we got through it and I'm glad we spent it with mum.

Schoolchoicesucks · 04/10/2026 10:27

I think your suggestion was good. How long is the journey to your mums? Do you have other DC or is Christmas lunch you, DHand DSD?

If he won't change the timing, how do you feel about seeing your mum on Boxing Day (or on Christmas Eve either with/without DSD and DH?). Christmas Day doesn't sound as though your DM will be one that your DM will enjoy whether you are there or not to be honest.

Thisisnotmyid · 04/10/2026 10:28

It’s only October, she may change her mind closer to the day and come to you. Watching a child open presents at Christmas (especially if they still believe!) can often be a great boost and take her mind off things even for a minute

PurpleThistle7 · 04/10/2026 10:28

Would you send your own child away at Christmas? Can absolutely understand why your husband doesn’t love that idea. No reason not to meet in the middle though - you head out whenever you want, he meets you later if you want him to.

Frostynoman · 04/10/2026 10:29

I’m so sorry for your loss. I would go to my Mums and tell your DSD why. From your DH pov, the next Christmas he will spend with her is when she is 12, she will be growing rapidly and he’s waited 2 years to spend Christmas with her. I don’t think either you or your husband are being unreasonable

McSpoot · 04/10/2026 10:29

Incoghooper · 04/10/2026 10:14

I agree. I think it’s understandable he doesn’t want to take DD back to her mums early, but if he’s relying on OP to cook and generally make Christmas ‘special’ then he’s out of order. It’s his job to do all of that, it’s his job to make Christmas special for DD, not OP.

Absolutely, have her til 4 as planned. Don’t make out OP has ruined anything if she chooses her mum.

Show quote history

There is no suggestion in the OP that he is making out that she is ruining anything by choosing her mum. He was upset at the idea that he send his daughter home at noon (which, I think, is a reasonable thing to be upset by) - the OP doesn't say that he's said anything about the OP going (from the post, the OP is the one upset by the thought of doing separate things).

blythet · 04/10/2026 10:30

Can you have the morning with your DH and SD, until 12pm as you’ve suggested to him? Then you travel to see your mum and he joins you both at 4pm?
I suspect your DH might not be happy making Christmas dinner for him and his dc but tough!!

Original poster
NorthSouthUK · 04/10/2026 10:33

Anxioustealady · 04/10/2026 10:14

Alternatively she might be thrilled to have Christmas with just her Dad. My favourite childhood Christmases post parents divorce were when my Dad was single.

We don't have info about the stepdaughter and OPs relationship, but the fact she wants to get rid of her early is a clue.

Show quote history

The question about what to do has come up as the Mum has emailed three times requesting DH confirms his expected dates and times to see his DD.

Christmas has been messed up by the Mum multiple times in the past years, with me being the one out of pocket each time, so I try to put on an enjoyable Christmas each time. I booked a week away for Christmas three years ago and because we put DD in night time pull ups one weekend in the run up to Christmas, as she wet the bed, the Mum banned DD coming to see us again. There was no holiday and no money returned, and I had to pay for DH to take court action to get access back.

Yes, I'm probably being selfish expecting DH to look after me too at Christmas. I don't have anyone else to rely on either, just like my Mum. I probably also have anxiety that Christmas this year will also get messed up by the DDs Mum.

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 04/10/2026 10:34

Why can't you nip out to see your mum in the morning? That way you get to see her, she gets her wish for solitude, your dp gets his wish for dinner and eveine is happy. Your Dp may need to start the dinner but small price to pay

Sunshine1500 · 04/10/2026 10:34

You can’t expect a parent to give up Christmas dinner with his child for another adult. Ideally you’d invite your mum of course she’ll not feel like celebrating.
But I don’t see why you can’t do both.
have Christmas morning with partner and his daughter, cook an early Christmas lunch then you leave and take a portion of lunch over to you mum and spend the rest of afternoon and evening with her.

Original poster
NorthSouthUK · 04/10/2026 10:36

Aiming4Optimistic · 04/10/2026 10:15

I think your husband is being a bit of a dick tbh. He has his dd for 4 days - it wouldn't kill him to do the big meal on Christmas Eve, or to give up a few hours with his dd, to support his grieving wife and mil. It's the first Christmas after an unexpected loss and she's your mum - I wonder what he would expect from you, if this was his mum!
Id actually be really disappointed in him and wouldn't want to do the whole big dinner thing while my mum was alone. I totally understand her not wanting to travel this year.

He doesn't speak to his Mum at all. He chose to cut her off a few years ago when she sided with the DDs Mum in a silly argument about who should be spending time with DD.

OP posts:
Sunshine1500 · 04/10/2026 10:38

Why did you pay for him to go to court?
wouls he not do it himself?

Noras · 04/10/2026 10:39

We eat Christmas dinner at 6.00 ok in our house so it would not be a challenge. Think of the vicar of dibley -
you do Christmas twice.
9 to 2 with H and SD turkey and trimmings with kids presents

3 to 8 with mum - more of a tea - maybe salmon nice bits and non alcoholic fizz - bring over a lovely basket of presents for mum

9 to midnight you and H alone with a drink and mince pie

Many families do stuff like this - it’s not difficult

sueelleker · 04/10/2026 10:39

Gcn · 03/10/2026 23:42

Could your mum come to you?

I agree. We lost my Dad a week before Christmas, and Mum came to stay with us all over the holiday.

Notonthestairs · 04/10/2026 10:40

As you already know you cant control what DD's mum does.
If you want to head over to your Mum's earlier in the day then you should be able to do that.
Your husband and DD can have lunch together and he can join you later if that suits you all.

Aiming4Optimistic · 04/10/2026 10:40

Ahh, so he's a dick generally then.

Honestly lovely, it's not unreasonable to expect some support from your husband in these circumstances. But it seems all the support in your household only goes one way. Maybe it's time to stop bankrolling his court cases or holidays or Christmas, because there's no give here, only take.

harriethoyle · 04/10/2026 10:41

Bearing in mind you KNOW DSDs mum is high conflict, you are really being unreasonable in asking him to shorten his time with DSD. That’s not on at all.

sparrowhawkhere · 04/10/2026 10:42

The child’s arrangements takes priority here.