Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

[NorthSouthUK]

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

I think go to your mum and have Christmas apart

but like you I think what you suggest is fine and your dh is being a bit unreasonable unless he doesn’t want to negotiate with DSD’s mum which presumably could be awkward

Am I understanding that it has been your job to finance and facilitate a significant proportion of you DH’s access to his kid, and putting in effort to make Christmas enjoyable? And now you are asking for some consideration to yours and your Mum’s grief he’s unwilling to show consideration for you?

You have no power over anyone else’s behaviour, only your own. Ignore yours and your Mum’s needs and that’ll simply confirm to him that him and his wishes are more important.

I would suggest being very clear that if he wishes to do not accommodate your needs, he is responsible for his Christmas with his DD, and you will see to your responsible for yours with your Mum. Don’t nursemaid him.

Id either have DM at mine or id go to hers at 4pm. Or if she cant travel id go with DSD and DH to mums for dinner and let DH take his daughter home and come back after. DSD is 10 and id priorise her happiness with DH until 4pm

Kindly, wanting to spend the day just being withdrawn and miserable isnt a great idea. At her age it could be bad for her physical health to slip into such a depression. She deserves to be able to grieve but also remember woth happiness

And your DDad wouldnt want this for her.

Its a long way away.. I think being with you and an excited 10 year old might be good for her.

Have you asked your mum what she would like? Only asking as the first year after my dh passed i really wanted to be left alone.
Obviously it would be nice to spend time with your mum too but maybe not necessarily the whole day unless she wants that.
I hope you find a solution which you and your mum are happy with.

This!! No wonder her mum was furious, what possessed you?!

OP I'm sorry for your loss.

The year my Mum died we invited my father to come and stay. He didn't want to. He wanted to be at home and didn't want people to stay with him. So on Christmas day I drove (4 hours) to his, cooked lunch, had presents, watched the Queens Speech (very important to him), had tea and cake before I made him some sandwiches with leftovers and drove the 4 hours home. (Oh and the fastest I ever do that journey is on Christmas day as there's barely any traffic!) We had our Christmas at home on boxing day. For the next 4 years we did the same until he moved into a nursing home and now has Christmas surrounded by other people but is able to retreat to his room when he's had enough of being social.

Don't pressure your Mum to be somewhere she doesn't want to be. I'd go to her so she's not alone and have Christmas on Christmas Eve with your husband and step child. (We often do Christmas on the wrong day so that it fits work etc.) I hope you find a solution.

Why is "can't drive" in inverted commas?

I think your mother should come to you, you will feel guilty in the morning if you are not with her and she probably won't be happy if you only turn up in the afternoon. She really shouldn't be alone on Christmas day and getting out of the house is important, and even though she doesn't think so she may enjoy seeing you all at Christmas. You can talk about happy Christmas's when your Dad was there it doesn't all have to be depressing. I would invite her to stay over Christmas eve spend the day and take her home when DC goes home or stay over to Boxing day. She really shouldn't just be holed up at home alone for most of Christmas.

Definitely ok to spend the day apart! Christmas is only another day after all so you could make Christmas Eve with your step daughter really special and fun (as a good distraction for you as well) and on Christmas, when you need to grieve as well...go to your mum's and explain openly to your DSD why. I'm not sure you said her age but even my 3.5 year old who hates me leaving her is very sweet and understanding when I explain why I have to go! She just needs to know the reason why.

OP, are you happily married? Your husband isn't coming across well here, you know. You don't have children together so you do have a choice whether to stay with him or not.

Go to your Mum. He can come or not come. That's up to him. Graciously accept his decision either way. It's one day. It's not the end of the world.

Quite and one incident of bedwetting does not indicate "trauma" any more than one bad decision as a parent makes people unsuitable parents. "Trauma" is becoming as overdiagnosed as "narcissist" here.

DH isn't coming across very well so no surprise he and his ex do not have a decent coparenting relationship. Going to court over one night in pull ups seems odd, but we don't know what else was involved.

@NorthSouthUK go to your DM (if she would like that) mid morning after Christmas breakfast and present opening. DH sorts out lunch for him and DSD, you sort out you and your DM. DH can join you in the evening or, if she feels like it, she may wish to come back with you for the evening and boxing day.

Suggest this to your DM but make it clear that at any point she is free to switch to visiting you or having you just join for a couple of hours if she wishes. I'm gobsmacked at the PP's description of someone who just lost a spouse as "selfish" - its a time when its hard to know what to do but its also a time when the widow(er)'s views should be primary.

Your dh is being totally unreasonable given the circumstances

I really disagree. You wouldn't ship off your own child on Christmas Day

Is your issue with your husband that he won't come with you to your mom's to support you?

Lots of posters seem to think he has a problem with you going by yourself but I didn't see you say that?

I was envisaging the OP and her husband speaking the words aloud, hence speech marks.

There appears to be a sizeable chunk of posters on this thread that do not understand the highly individual nature of grief & grieving. In your position, I would absolutely go & spend Christmas with my recently bereaved Mother OP. Your husband & your step-daughter will be absolutely fine. I completely understand your comment regarding “putting on a show”. It’s exhausting & unnecessary given the circumstances. Be kind to yourself, you’re allowed to grieve for as long as it takes. As is your Mum, & I understand completely why she wouldn’t feel up to a regular Christmas so to speak. I like Christmas but it’s all about perspective; Christmas is a period lasting more than one day, so there is plenty of time to see everybody.

I am in a similar situation this year, my mil is terminally ill & recently bereaved, while my step dad is terminally ill & my mum is really struggling. Consequently, my partner will go to his mum’s & I will go to mine. It was a no brainer & we aren’t precious about Christmas Day itself. I used to work on Christmas Day, as did both of my parent’s before me & now my partner too. From very early on I realised that there are multiple opportunities to spend time together over the Christmas period aside from Christmas Day itself. Much of the pressure & expectation around Christmas is self-imposed & unnecessary.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I hope you & your Mum are able to find comfort in each other over the Christmas period.

Has his ex worked her Christmas Day plans around not having your DSD back until 4pm ? Could you not go to your mum’s and then your DH join you once he has dropped DSD back with her mum ? Not ideal but equally might give you and your mum time together to remember your dad and there are no major dramas with DH ex.

Well, she’s not her own child so that solves that little confusion.

If she were her own child OP would presumably be taking DSD to her mothers and there’d be no problem. But as it is she can’t do that. OP is allowed to prioritise herself and her mum in this situation - and DH can have DSD.

"Little confusion"? How is not clear from my posts that I'm aware the child is OPs stepdaughter? That's my entire point!

And i said that the SD would probably be happy to have Christmas with just her dad, so your second paragraph is just agreeing with me

FGS.
How is this even an issue.
There must be some way your mum could come and stay with you for a few days.
These non problems make me despair of people !!!

FGS.
How is this even an issue.
There must be some way your mum could come and stay with you for a few days.
These non problems make me despair of people !!!

You were trying to shoehorn in that OP and DSD do not have a good relationship and that ‘packing her off early’ was a clue to back that up. When challenged you stated that OP wouldn’t pack her ‘own’ child off early as if the two situations were comparable. Which of course they aren’t. There’s lots of things I would do differently with someone else’s kid than my own - it doesn’t tell you lickety squat about my relationship with them.

You wanted a dig at OP having a bad relationship with DSD, but of course you’ll say that you weren’t.

I DO agree with you that DH and DSD should spend the day alone. That’s why I said what I said.

This! Bio mum is awful. It’s Mum.