Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

[NorthSouthUK]

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

I do think you're a bad step parent if you try to cut short the time your stepchild has on Christmas day with their parent to suit you. Kids come first at Christmas.

Having separate Christmas lunches does seem to be the solution.

I’m sure nobody is quite getting their ideal Christmas but some years that’s just how it is and that’s nobody’s fault.

How about you see your mum on Boxing Day?

I think it would be a terrible idea to get your mum to come to yours this year. It’s a ‘first’ without her husband; the very last thing she’s going to want to do is stick a paper hat on and make merry so a perfectly innocent 10yr old still has a lovely day. All that will happen is your mum will be upset, DH will be upset with her, and you’ll be upset with him. And in the middle will be a little girl who won’t really understand why all the adults are miserable and resentful of each other.

Stay at home Christmas Eve, open presents with DSD and set off for your mums with some nice food that doesn’t need much preparation. Then maybe bring her back to yours either Christmas night or early Boxing Day morning, and have a low key Boxing Day together with your DH, before taking her home again.

I don’t think your DH should have to cut his time with his DD on Xmas day. Why can’t you go to your mum’s at 4? If you really have to be there earlier, just go on your own and DH can join you a few hours later.

Oh, and if you live close by maybe make it clear to her that you can pick her up and bring her to yours if she changes her mind which she could do. Believe me, one of the hardest things about being in a state of grief is making decisions as your mood can swing dramatically from moment to moment.

It's one day
Yourbmums an adult see ger boxing day

I'm sorry about the loss of your father.

in your shoes? I would spend the time with my mum - your DH can do what he wants but your priority is your mum.

Id personally say its fine, keep her to 4 but that you are going over your mum with your kids from 12. He can stay at home.

The mum, bio.mum, it sounds like you dont like your stepdaughters mum much. And making a 7year old wear a nappy because of 1 accident is disgusting and Id be keeping my child away from you too.
On the Christmas thing, my stepdad died 12 days before Christmas and my mum and brother came over to us for the day. Yes it was a sad day but we could be there for each other. The first Christmas is always going to be hard wherever you are :(

This is what I would do too.

So he is a dick then! Who has cut his own mother off and can’t make an exception for yours just after she’s lost her husband!

YABU. Handover is 4pm. See your mum after 4pm or invite your mum over from 2pm.

I would spend the day separately @NorthSouthUK . It is one year, go be with your Mum to support her.
Prioritise yourself for a change, it sounds like you've done a lot for your husband. Your needs matter too and if he won't take them into account then look after yourself.

Goodness, he sounds like a charmer??!!!

and you paying for Court - why? That’s something he should be paying for himself.

It’s a long time til Christmas Day, your DM may well feel very different by then. I’m with your DH in this one I’m afraid.

This one incident gives zero ‘clues’ as to their relationship overall.

The problem with the sentiment that anyone blanketly ‘comes first’ is it’s just lazy, smultzy sentiment. Kids can learn that they are important but other people exist in the world and everyone should be considered. That includes them of course, but not to the exclusivity of everyone else.

I think you should leave it for now. Your Mum may feel different in a couple of weeks. I would say to your DH you hope she will come to you but if she still refuses, you may need to go to her for a bit, but leave things as arranged for his DD/your SD @NorthSouthUK

Honestly, if your stepdaughter is with you for the 4 days before Christmas I really can’t see an issue with her going home to her mums a few hours early!

If not, how far away does your mother live? Do you have 2 cars? Could you possibly go to your mums earlier in the day then your husband joins later?

first Christmas is always tough - for you after losing your father and for your mum of course. My grandmother hasn’t really celebrated Christmas at all since my grandad died 6 years ago, no tree up, but she will get out the angel tree topper they bought together when they first got married over 60 years ago!

It isn't his needs he is prioritising: it is the child's.

I agree with him that he needs to do his DD's Christmas "properly", but I think, Op, you are not going to be in the mood for it if you are feeling you ought to be with your mum, so I'd advise you go to your mum and he spends the full time till 4pm with DD.

Christmas is hugely important to children, and feeling you are being muscled out on Christmas day as a child is something that will stay with them. It just isn't worth that. Help him pre-prep some dishes, and leave them to it. The day might end up unconventional (I'm thinking sprouts may not make it to the table etc) but they will probably have the time of their lives!

You two can have a lovely grown-up meal out together this year a few days later maybe? Adults are better at overlooking that it isn't The Actual Magic Day of Christmas than children are.

Yes but there are times to teach that they don't always come first and Christmas Day in a split family isn't it.

Just go to your mums alone in the afternoon. My partner and I for years went to our parents alone as one set in London, the other Cornwall. It worked for us.

OP is also grieving. She is allowed to have own thoughts or feelings, rather than defaulting to what her mum or husband wants

I mean, I wouldn’t aim for it, no. And of course in an ideal world Christmas should be about having fun and family and all that merry jazz. But if other, important, circumstances arise then that sort of changes things - being Christmas or from a ‘split family’ doesn't really change that - decisions still need to be made, there should be no blanket ‘trumping’. What a horrible sentiment to have in a family, everyone should be considered.

I don't understand why people are saying op's DH is being selfish about this? He only wants to spend Christmas with his child as agreed. Children who live with both biological parents don't get shipped away from them at Christmas because one of them is grieving, so why should she? Thousands of people presumably have to put a brave face on Christmas for their kids and grandkids every year. Of course they should be able to take themselves off for some quiet or not be overly merry, but they normally have to deal with the fact that the kids are there and Christmas is happening.

Fair enough for OP not to want to leave her mum alone, but suggesting dsd leave early is unreasonable. It may come to having to spend Christmas separately, but deciding that her mum won't feel like coming to them over 2 1/2 months ahead of time doesn't seem healthy either. Grief is allowed to change. Why can't you see how she feels nearer the time?

My mil was widowed one month before Christmas. She still came and spent the day with us and tried to make the best of it, albeit it was a strange, quieter than usual day. But I remember it fondly and I hope she does too. I know DH does. Whenever we offered to cancel things / change plans she was adamant that it was important to enjoy life while we could and fil would want us to. She would have been horrified if she found someone wasn't spending Christmas with their child or spouse for her. She appreciated us all being together. I do get that the step relationship makes things a bit more complex though.