Reducing contact with parents when one denies years of harmful behaviour

[bpddaughterhelp]

Hi everyone,

Wondering if I can ask about your experiences with a parent with BPD (specifically a BPD mum and enabling dad). I’m increasingly sure that my mum has undiagnosed BPD or another Cluster B disorder (she certainly has many strong traits despite no formal diagnosis that I’m aware of).

My dad is absolutely resistant to recognising how her behaviour has affected us over decades. He minimises it, conveniently forgets it, pressures me to ‘leave the past in the past’, ‘build bridges’, ‘you’re too sensitive’, ‘you know what she’s like’ etc etc etc.

His most recent bout of ‘I don’t understand, have we done something to upset you?’ is because I’m trying to reduce contact with them - from every other week, for 10+ hours, in my home, which was just assumed by them and deeply uncomfortable for me, to once every three weeks, for a shorter time, either in a neutral location or at their house so that I can leave.

I just… don’t know what to do with this any more. In 2018, he actually said to me that he was worried that my mum’s behaviour would lead to me not wanting them to see my (then imagined, future) children, so why is he now claiming he doesn’t know why I’m reducing contact?

Where do I go from here? I am absolutely exhausted by trying to battle and manage this relationship. There is no actual relationship, there is only the constant struggle of trying to keep mum on an even keel and trying to convince my dad that yes it was that bad and yes he should have protected us, and of trying to protect my child from the same dynamics that were so damaging to me.

I’ve had therapy on and off for the best part of 10 years. It’s helped me to see so much more clearly the dysfunctional family dynamics at play here. But whenever I try to reduce contact, this is what happens.

I actually would be deeply deeply relieved to never see or hear from them again. I am so so done.

What do I do now? My dad said yesterday that there is ‘nothing recent that [he is] aware of’ that warrants me reducing contact. It’s like he has this wilful misunderstanding or amnesia. I have had this conversation with him repeatedly over the years. I explained (again) my experience and point of view and he’s left me on read.

Wtf do i do?

I’m sure someone a lot more eloquent than me will be along to offer wise words but speaking from my own experience your feelings about the NC are only because you have been conditioned by them that you have to pander to them.

Take this as the break that you needed to step away from them for you and your family.
They are of no emotional or practical value to you at all and even in their absence they are messing with your head.

Embrace the quiet and see the long term benefits of the boundary you have made 💐

I am little bit confused by this as you clearly saw them just a few days ago - you posted on the 16th that you saw them and exchanged cards. Can you maybe sit in silence for a bit and figure out what your motivation was for reducing contact? In the beginning it sounded as though you were overwhelmed and needed space from them but now it sounds more like boundaries were put in place just to elicit some kind of a reaction. Which are two very very different goals.
You won't change them which is why you made a decision to step back, now you are upset that they haven't changed. It's understandable but completely irrational.

I saw them on 11th and exchanged cards, when my dad barely spoke to me following a message I’d sent him on 27th Sept. I appreciate it’s confusing. The family is so enmeshed that even this length of time not speaking does feel like a long time. I know that’s weird in itself.

I really don’t mean to imply that I’m doing this for some sort of reaction, but I am feeling conflicted about not hearing from my dad. I absolutely needed the space from the relentless demands from them for contact, and from the actual contact itself, but now having been left with no kind of repair (not that they’ve ever done repair) does feel a lot to deal with.

I was expecting their usual huge overreaction, so this silence has unsettled me quite a lot, I think. Kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop?

@Catza and being overwhelmed by them not being able to change, then being upset they haven’t changed is totally irrational, you’re right. But it’s still hard to deal with, in reality. I think I can know and understand on one level that they are this way and they won’t change, but it really hitting home is still hurtful, IYSWIM?

I’m hoping to hear back from my therapist soon, I emailed her earlier in the week.

Could they be being silent to punish you?

At some level your Dad certainly knows that the way your mum behaves is deeply destructive, but he chose long ago to put her first and not protect you and your sister when you were children. That choice remains - she will come first.

With someone like this, if you don't bow to their will you are OUT - a terrible person. Because your mum is boss, your dad is going along with that.

It may be that they get back in touch. It may be that they wait for you to make the first contact (and I bet they punish you one way or another for making a bid for freedom).

It's a very hard thing to face, but you may end up being without parents.

How will you handle that? (don't write it here, but start to think about it. Planning how to handle emotionally impossible situations does actually help make them slightly more possible to survive).

Also - remember always that your son is your priority, not your mother. You tried to get distance in order to protect him, as well as yourself. Although you were entirely entitled to protect just yourself, you do have him as well, and he is so vulnerable.

Yes, it does hurt. It keeps on hurting too, I'm sorry to tell you.

If you have poisonous parents, there is pain if you're in touch or if you aren't, because you do miss them even if you know you can't go back for your own safety.

The only thing I can say is that after many years you do reach some sort of peace with it. You lost the good-parent lottery, but you can still build a constructive life with love and friendship without.

DH thinks I should initiate contact and smooth things over, but that’s what I’ve always done.

sounds like he believes all families are essentially okay and work okay and everything can be sorted. I would find it hard to stomach hearing someone say that to you given what you have told us here. (didn’t your mother say something psychopathic after you lost a much wanted pregnancy?)

now you are upset that they haven't changed. It's understandable but completely irrational

and a place many humans find themselves for years as they do the long, long, LONG work of coming to terms with unloving and cruel parents. It’s a paradox of an order that confuses any self aware human up for a long time. What helped me, the only thing that helps any of us was learning to get in touch with my compassion for myself and the little me because your self protective element was systematically removed from your vocabulary when you were very small and didn’t understand.

patience op with lots of self kindness and self acceptance.

Do not chase it. Your husband is wrong.

Do not initiate contact. He likely comes from
an emotionally healthy family of origin whereas you clearly do not. He means well in his head but he’s given you poor advice here which you should not act on. Your family of origin are not like his.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships at sll
and need a willing enabler to help them, step forward your dad. Such weak male bystanders act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He had and will
continue to throw you under the bus because he is also her secondary abuser.