Am I overreacting to my wife chatting with dads and coaches?

[thunderkiss77]

At our son's games and practices, my wife is very chatty with the other dads and coaches and it's starting to get on my nerves but I want to be sure I'm not overreacting or being jealous. She'll walk off from me to go talk to another dad or one of the coaches and I think that's sort of rude. She will occasionally send me to go ask something for her, but a lot of times, its something I don't think is worth asking in the moment and if don't budge, she'll go. Last week she left our spot in the bleachers to go chat with one of the other dads who was spectating by himself (granted we all know each other of course). She was there for about 15 mins until some other parents showed up whom she doesn't care for. I'd understand chatting in passing, but leaving your seat in the middle of the game to go visit? I don't know.

I don't think it's her flirting and she's very social and an involved mom and it's related to our son and the game mostly. I do think the optics are bad, especially while I'm sitting around while she's in the face of some other dad. Last season, she was talking to one of the assistant coaches for 45 mins on the phone (regarding the team- our son was around but not me for most of it) and it was a call I thought was unnecessary and went too long. Now, I do think she has a bit of a liking for this guy. He's married and we saw him with family at a game last week (his kid is on the same team) and she led the charge to go speak to him, and his wife interjected with a big "hi" looking right at my wife, almost as if sending her a message- at least that's what I read into it.

Another season, there was a quiet dad she seemed to happy to talk with (seemingly more than him even) who I never had an exchange with. She may have known his son prior through teaching if I recall. She was always engaging this guy and even once left me in the middle of a game to "get a better spot" but wound up right next to him, grinning and chatting away. I was fuming. He was married but the wife didn't show that often. I actually looked up his phone number in the team directory and checked our call log to make sure I didn't see any calls between the two.

Sorry for being so verbose. Do I need to tell her to chill out or am I just being jealous? If we had a girl in sports and I ran around chatting with all the moms and female coaches with and without her, I'm sure she'd have something to say.
I feel like it's borderline disrespectful and she's doing more than necessary.

My wife calls me "babe" from time to time. "Baby" does come off performative.
I need to talk to her about my feelings, yes.

I'm almost erased from the decision making process and thats my son out there, not theirs. Do you call that being egotistical? Last night me and her were both talking to one of the dad's and shes telling him the plans she has for our son and I'm listening to some of it thinking "when did WE decide this?"

I have visited America several times and regularly worked with several Americans. I've not seen the cultural difference you are citing.

I very much doubt your wife is deliberately flirting in front of you at your son's sports club. I've been to many sports clubs for the DC with and without my DH. Parents always chat with each other at these things and often circulate separately. Its the norm. These are parents of DC's friends. There's arrangements to be made for future fixtures, travelling, training etc.

The point you did not address is why aren't you also socialising with the other parents, but sitting on the sidelines looking for problems in your wife's behaviour.

Quite a few posters have given their opinion that you are over reacting to your wife's behaviour. If you are annoyed that she's speaking to other parents, that's probably why she moved away to speak to other people.

Perhaps it would help if you consider marriage guidance counselling to discuss this in real life

Honestly, as a sociable friendly married woman myself, the way you've described your wife "in the face" of others, you checking through call logs etc feels like YOU are being disrespectful and honestly you sound unhinged, maybe even a bit threatening- I'd leave my husband if he felt like this about me being a normal friendly human

Yes you sound really jealous and controlling. You need to stop this asap.

Are you actually connecting with your wife at all? It doesn't sound like your concern is about strengthening your relationship or becoming a team. Yes, I think you are too busy thinking about your bruised ego instead of appreciating your wife for the person she is, rather than the one you want her to be and being her complement, not her adversary.

I wholeheartedly reject the notion that I'm "nuts," trying to control her or stop her from talking to men altogether. The replies read like I'm trying to dominate her and thats just not the case at all.

Then what are you trying to do?

Because from my perspective, your stance absolutely comes across as controlling.

I do think your wife sounds a bit over involved in your son’s hobbies. We get parents like this in the UK too. The telltale signs are, wanting to have chats with the coaches straight after the game about their child’s performance, complaining when other kids they deem not as talented get more game time, imposing on coach chats, shouting (un)helpful strategies from the sideline during games.
chances are you DW has found a couple of parents who also do this and indulge her talking at length about your son and their hobby. They just happen to be male. But it’s all innocent, not done to embarrass you or to behave inappropriately. It shouldn’t look to anyone to be more than it is.

also if you think she’s forgotten you previously made a good suggestion then remind her. It’s ok to say, I’m glad you think that, it’s something I suggested a while ago.

Having read your updates OP, it sounds to me as if your wife finds you a bit boring, sorry. She's not really interested in your opinions, maybe because you are so free with them and you come across as quite heavy and serious. She married Mr Right, just didn't realise his first name was Always.

I suppose it boils down to whether you trust her or not, if you don't then that would explain the way your feeling, has she ever given you a reason not to trust her?

Weirdly enough i much prefer female friends to male ones, i just find the conversations more interesting but i know my wife wouldn't like it so i don't do it. Each to their own.

Savage but probably true 😂😂

Genuinely don’t see an issue with a situation like this, very different if she was sending messages and keeping it from OP or meeting up outside of the venue. Jealously is one thing and sometimes understandable,controlling is another

I only read the opening post (will catch up).

I’d be worried your wife is regarded as desperate/unhinged/extremely annoying by other parents and coaches.

She seems to just make the assumption these dads want to chat to her whilst they are watching their son’s play. She seems to assume coach is happy to spend forever on the phone with her (her, aka one of the many parents with kids attending club).

She sounds a little, well… unhinged and desperate. All these guys might actually cringe as soon as they see her heading their way…

The way you describe assistant coach’s wife greeting her with big exaggerated ‘hi’ suggests that he mentioned the call to his wife, and not in good terms.

Does she generally lack social awareness? She seems to be not reading social clues and signals, does that happen only in football setting?

I agree that it’s not very good optics and she might be earning a bit of a reputation for herself among all these people.

But so what? Are you actually operating on some kind of tit for tat basis? That’s no way to run a relationship. And to be brutally honest, if you’re as paranoid, insecure, touchy, controlling and concerned with ‘optics’ as you come across on here, then I wouldn’t be sitting next to you for the duration of a football match either.

I can’t believe you looked up some man’s phone number so you could check whether your wife had ever phoned him. That’s well into emerging psychopath territory.

And what is all this stuff about her talking to the coaches about something you don’t think is warranted? She gets to decide whether or not it is. Or are you expecting her to say ‘Yes dear, you know best’ just because you don’t ’feel like budging’?

It sounds as if you’d like her to spend football matches glued to your side, looking raptly engaged by your conversation, nodding deferentially about your opinions about the game, because it makes you look powerful. That’s just not how the works works, OP, in the US or elsewhere. People are free to roam around and talk to whoever they like on the sidelines.

I don't expect "always." I'm barely getting "sometimes."
I've been very egalitarian but I'm just wondering if I'm now getting the short end of the stick now, especially considering that I know she would not give me the same autonomy that I give her. And she'd be angry, as a teacher, if I consulted with every other teacher aside from her for advice on our son.

It’s completely pointless you jumping in with a comment without reading all of the OP’s. Especially when it’s feeding his delusions.

I have now caught up. I agree he is displaying some insecurities etc and perhaps his wife is just a social butterfly who loves to chat to other people (but why dads and not their wives?..). I don’t know her so might be completely off the mark.

Still, to me, it seems excessive and lacking social awareness, especially the lenghty call with assistant coach. It strikes me as a little too much. But then, i am not American and come from a much more reserved cultural background.

I used to do what your wife is doing. My reason is that the men/dads/coaches I was chatting to made me feel good about myself and appreciated what I had to say. I felt heard. My (ex) husband never gave me this.

She definitely sounds like she wears the trousers, maybe stop focusing on what she's doing and start having conversations with some of the mum's/female teacher instead rather than sitting around like a spare part, then deal with any response that gets from your wife accordingly.

That situation was a one-off and felt odd. I was never included in the conversations and to this day, I have no clue what she had to talk about with him so much. I felt a little misled when she said she wanted to move to get a better view. If it was a case of, "hey, so an so's dad has been trying to do so-so, I'm going to talk and I'll be right back," I'd be a little more understanding.

That's the precedent she set, not something I demand because I need control.

Most of everything else is just an annoyance and also being considerate of the other dads who may or may not be excited to see her coming, ready to talk about our kid.

Yeah, that’s a really mature bit of ‘advice’.

You talk of 'giving' her autonomy and 'allowing' her freedom. She has those rights anyway, they are not yours to bestow. I don't think you realise how you come across.

You want people to tell you that you're right and she's wrong. Well, so what even if they do? What is that actually going to change.

You want to change your wife's behaviour. Well you can't. You can only change your own. What are you going to say to her, sit at my heel or the marriage is over?

What are you actually trying to achieve here?

When we're sitting together, we're both focused on our son and the game and conversing just fine (as far as I can tell). She will ask a question about a rule or a play from time to time and I'll answer or just tell her, "I'm not sure on that one."
Every now and then, something may happen on the field and she'll get in an excited mood and run off to go share her thoughts with another dad. I'm not ignorant to noticing when things aren't flowing well with me and her, and I usually don't detect that during the games.

But the other dads’ attitudes to your wife chatting to them isn’t your concern. They’re adult men. If they don’t want to engage in conversation, they have ample options to politely say so. No one has them at gunpoint.

Deal with your own feelings. You just sound like you’d prefer them all to be secretly annoyed and regard her as a terrible bore so you could say to her ‘Look, Angela, everyone’s calling you the sideline chatterbox and trying to avoid you.’ Whereas in fact there’s no evidence anyone has an issue but you.