Am I overreacting to my wife chatting with dads and coaches?

[thunderkiss77]

At our son's games and practices, my wife is very chatty with the other dads and coaches and it's starting to get on my nerves but I want to be sure I'm not overreacting or being jealous. She'll walk off from me to go talk to another dad or one of the coaches and I think that's sort of rude. She will occasionally send me to go ask something for her, but a lot of times, its something I don't think is worth asking in the moment and if don't budge, she'll go. Last week she left our spot in the bleachers to go chat with one of the other dads who was spectating by himself (granted we all know each other of course). She was there for about 15 mins until some other parents showed up whom she doesn't care for. I'd understand chatting in passing, but leaving your seat in the middle of the game to go visit? I don't know.

I don't think it's her flirting and she's very social and an involved mom and it's related to our son and the game mostly. I do think the optics are bad, especially while I'm sitting around while she's in the face of some other dad. Last season, she was talking to one of the assistant coaches for 45 mins on the phone (regarding the team- our son was around but not me for most of it) and it was a call I thought was unnecessary and went too long. Now, I do think she has a bit of a liking for this guy. He's married and we saw him with family at a game last week (his kid is on the same team) and she led the charge to go speak to him, and his wife interjected with a big "hi" looking right at my wife, almost as if sending her a message- at least that's what I read into it.

Another season, there was a quiet dad she seemed to happy to talk with (seemingly more than him even) who I never had an exchange with. She may have known his son prior through teaching if I recall. She was always engaging this guy and even once left me in the middle of a game to "get a better spot" but wound up right next to him, grinning and chatting away. I was fuming. He was married but the wife didn't show that often. I actually looked up his phone number in the team directory and checked our call log to make sure I didn't see any calls between the two.

Sorry for being so verbose. Do I need to tell her to chill out or am I just being jealous? If we had a girl in sports and I ran around chatting with all the moms and female coaches with and without her, I'm sure she'd have something to say.
I feel like it's borderline disrespectful and she's doing more than necessary.

@thunderkiss77

Can't you see the contradiction in your own words you take umbridge with people commenting about you being controlling;
"as if I want to regulate her interactions with other males."?

At the end of the same post you say"

"Having a chat on the way back from getting a snack happens. "Hey, the coach is making changes to the practice schedule, let me get some clarification from Mike's dad- I'll be right back" would be a reasonable scenario.
"Sit here and support our son, by yourself, while I go pick Billy's dads brain on some things (for 10-15 mins) and I may or may not fill you in"
enters into the realms of inconsideratation. "

How is that not regulating?
You yourself have set out the rules you have in your own head, that she's allowed to have a chat on the way back to you, provided its about the practice schedule. But she's inconsiderate to talk to Billy's day or others for 10-15 minutes.

And I would argue that school age sports absolutely are a networking scenario, where you make friends and communicate with the parents of children the same age, with the same interests. It's why a lot of people do it. I'm still in contact with quite a few Rugby parents we met on the sidelines of matches. It's completely normal.
Im not sure what questions you want answered in this thread. A lot of people have pointed out that they think your wife's behaviour at matches is completely normal, but you are unwilling to accept that.

As for your AI research.. by all means take AI's word for it, what do parents who regularly attend sports events for their children in real life know about it. Completely disproves your assertion that you are not regulating her behaviour since you've called on AI to help you do it. Maybe ask Gemini to draw a graph to illustrate your findings so it will make more of an impression on her.

This is pointless.

as if I want to regulate her interactions with other males

This is exactly what you want. You don't have a problem with her talking to other women, this is specifically about men and you do want to regulate her actions. Her actions are annoying you and you want it to stop.

"Sit here and support our son, by yourself, while I go pick Billy's dads brain on some things (for 10-15 mins) and I may or may not fill you in" enters into the realms of inconsideratation

No it doesn't. It's perfectly normal and I'm sure you're fine sitting on your own for 15 minutes.

AI tells you what you want to hear. If you put your own bias into it the way you do here, you will get a bias in your favour.

What it does show, however, is that is what you want. You want people to agree with you that you are right and your wife is wrong. If you want that, stick with AI. If you want honesty, then read back over what posters have said.

It's your life, it makes no difference to anyone else, you are the one sitting there feeling emasculated because your wife has the audacity to value opinions from men other than you. You should focus on your low self esteem and why you might feel that way instead of just taking it in your stride like most people would.

Find me a relationship book or thought leader in relationships that says that a man has low self esteem for having the audacity to want his opinion valued by his wife. Maybe I am being obstinate, but comments like this communicate to me that you're going to ridiculous, unrealistic, and unfair levels dismiss anything I express as rubbish.

And the only thing I'm trying to communicate in "regulate" is agreed upon and shared norms that both partners are comfortable with. Maybe I'm using the wrong words but I swear the more I try to explain that I'm NOT trying to control her, the more I get doubled down on.

You are using exactly the right words for how you feel about your wife's interactions with other men. Your views are very clear. You have not expressed any objection to your wife talking with other women.

This is how it shows that you have low self esteem. You do want to control her actions, you do have a problem with her autonomy and you clearly do feel inferior to other men.

You can deny it as much as you want but that isn't actually going to help you. You should probably get some therapy to talk it all through and work out where this low self esteem comes from. Only by acknowledging it can you tackle it and bring yourself to a better, more accepting place. Otherwise you'll just continue being bitter and nothing will change for you.

Our kid has been in sports for years now. This isn't my first rodeo in the realm of youth sports and sitting around with parents. My casual observations, over time, is that deliberate visits are brief during games when the man or woman is seated with their spouse. Before game and after game is different because we're all on the move. I'm not saying that networking doesn't occur among the parents, we can certainly attest to that, but that within this particular setting, to walk off while the action is happening, leaving the company of your s/o to sit/stand around with someone of the opposite sex in an extended, one on one conversation, is outside of my observed norm. Do I at least deserve a "hey I'm going to talk to Mr. Smith about xyz" or, "Mr. Smith told me we should try a b and c?" Or are we free range and owe nothing to each other and I just need to get with the program?

Why are you both going to all these practices? That’s so weird.

Do I at least deserve a "hey I'm going to talk to Mr. Smith about xyz" or, "Mr. Smith told me we should try a b and c?" Or are we free range and owe nothing to each other and I just need to get with the program?

Oh absolutely, You deserve to be able to stick like glue to each other for the entire two hours... devoting the majority of your time to each other, asking permission before talking to others (sparingly) before returning, despite the fact that you live together and see each other every single day. Anything else is "free range"
(not)

Or are we free range and owe nothing to each other and I just need to get with the program?

What does that even mean 'owe nothing to each other'? Why the dramatics?

Are you always this black and white. Can't you just open your mind a tiny bit to the idea that she is actually not doing anything wrong 😕

Common courtesies that we both used to extend to each other that have became optional. That's all.

We both enjoyed watching his development, and I've assisted the coaches in basketball practices at times. This football season, I don't make too many practices.

Of course, results may vary depending on the couple, but I'm wondering for those of you whom are in committed relationships what the dynamics of my scenario would look like, and at what point would it cross over into being inconsiderate. Again, she's starting to color outside of the lines what used to be the agreed on norms between the two of us, and her level of activity can make her the outlier with respect to activity other married parents in attendance. As I touched on earlier, if I'm hanging out with one of the fellas, in most settings, I'm not going to wander off without a heads up of why I'm walking away, just out of good manners, so I don't see how asking for that in my marriage, especially when it used to exist, is seen as controlling.

It is not unusual, for example, if I happen to be chatting with a mother about our boys meeting up, that she will offer her husband's number, as opposed to hers, for transparency in their household. I wonder if you (all) think that is over the top.

Among the wives and moms, extended visits are rare unless she runs into a familiar friendly face who is not a regular. There's one mom whom she is close to and may leave to chat with if she's prompted to and one of us didn't relocate the crew to sit near, but our kids hang out and we all have each other's numbers. They're probably the VIP of our parental interactions- BUT!!! Ha ha, I just remembered, as I type this, she called me after it took me too long (maybe 5 mins) talking to the husband after we walked past him (mom missed that game) and I hung back to chat.

Is this how Americans behave? As it sounds insane.

It does. It also in no way corresponds to the places I’ve lived in the US, or to the lives of my American friends. It appears that the OP has time-travelled from 1950s suburbia.

‘Colouring outside the lines’? ‘The outlier ‘’? Transparency in the household’? A mother arranging a play date giving out her husband’s phone number as a contact?

Gosh, OP, you should move to Europe. We have opposite-sex friends, and spend a lot less time wondering about ‘the optics’ of parents moving around to talk to people at a child’s football match. Doesn’t it get exhausting being that paranoid and insecure? If my DH were that insecure, I’d be suggesting therapy.

I'm wondering for those of you whom are in committed relationships what the dynamics of my scenario would look like

People have been commenting on how it looks.

In response, You have repeated, reworded and re-analysed your detailed observations of your wife's choice to talk to other people at various sporting events, to her detriment. It is exhausting.

Perhaps this is why she does talk to other people about lighter subjects at these events?

Indeed. Can you imagine being married to this?

Nvm

Whatever I may be, this is definitely a hive. I'm out. Great exercise in interneting, peeps. Thx.

Awww! The winning were mean, so he’s flounced. 😂

I think you’ll find that we’re (famously) a nest of vipers, dear.

Tfft

In my opinion, I would be fuming too. It is disrespectful. Never in a million years would I leave my husband sitting like an arse on the bleachers to go chat to other men. You are not paranoid or controlling like other wants you to believe. Your feelings matter. Have a chat with your wife and tell her this is not on.

Hi OP

You are being unreasonable in as much as she suggested you go instead of her and you didn’t. She may just feel it is rude not to include people who attend an event on their own?

👍