Am I overreacting to my wife chatting with dads and coaches?

[thunderkiss77]

At our son's games and practices, my wife is very chatty with the other dads and coaches and it's starting to get on my nerves but I want to be sure I'm not overreacting or being jealous. She'll walk off from me to go talk to another dad or one of the coaches and I think that's sort of rude. She will occasionally send me to go ask something for her, but a lot of times, its something I don't think is worth asking in the moment and if don't budge, she'll go. Last week she left our spot in the bleachers to go chat with one of the other dads who was spectating by himself (granted we all know each other of course). She was there for about 15 mins until some other parents showed up whom she doesn't care for. I'd understand chatting in passing, but leaving your seat in the middle of the game to go visit? I don't know.

I don't think it's her flirting and she's very social and an involved mom and it's related to our son and the game mostly. I do think the optics are bad, especially while I'm sitting around while she's in the face of some other dad. Last season, she was talking to one of the assistant coaches for 45 mins on the phone (regarding the team- our son was around but not me for most of it) and it was a call I thought was unnecessary and went too long. Now, I do think she has a bit of a liking for this guy. He's married and we saw him with family at a game last week (his kid is on the same team) and she led the charge to go speak to him, and his wife interjected with a big "hi" looking right at my wife, almost as if sending her a message- at least that's what I read into it.

Another season, there was a quiet dad she seemed to happy to talk with (seemingly more than him even) who I never had an exchange with. She may have known his son prior through teaching if I recall. She was always engaging this guy and even once left me in the middle of a game to "get a better spot" but wound up right next to him, grinning and chatting away. I was fuming. He was married but the wife didn't show that often. I actually looked up his phone number in the team directory and checked our call log to make sure I didn't see any calls between the two.

Sorry for being so verbose. Do I need to tell her to chill out or am I just being jealous? If we had a girl in sports and I ran around chatting with all the moms and female coaches with and without her, I'm sure she'd have something to say.
I feel like it's borderline disrespectful and she's doing more than necessary.

You cannot be serious with that question? Everything you’ve said to this poster has been aggressive.

My goodness. What an utterly exhausting man.

You used darvo on me and you tried to gaslight me. Made out i was an emotional triggered woman rather than there being anything wrong with your behaviour.
i feel sorry for your wife, i really do. These are all the tactics of a coercive controller.

I think he genuinely is. He has been so misogynistic about this board, his wife, and now me.
men like this genuinely think they are the good guy, you can’t reason with them.

I have let it bubble and I take responsibility for that. I tend to overthink things in the moment and it's more so a pattern over time that's given me pause and reflection. I've met and also talk to 99.9% of these parents as well, but usually it's just more so that in a setting where groups of families and friends have found where and with whom they want to sit with in the bleachers, it would be awkward to follow her around mid-game and we do have younger ones in our care to keep an eye on. Most of the mingling occurs before, half time, and after- aside from a trip for snacks or restroom and catching someone in passing (totally cool). I really don't see other wives leaving their husband's side's to go visit other dads mid game, even if it is to talk football, or vice versa. Now, it's everyone talking with everyone if we're all sitting together. None of this is set in stone of course, guys may run over to other guys to complain about the coaching or ppl will jog over to stand to get a better look.

As another user articulated better than I initially did, in these instances, it's not really a lover's jealousy but a question of tact, and also the fact that she's leaning on the insights from the other dads, and mine? Not so much.

Now, the incident that did spill over into more of jealousy thing was her running off from where we were seating to get a better view, but winding up next to the same dad whom she often sought out to converse with during practices. She knew of him through his kid somehow, if I recall. I had never interacted with him other than a head nod in passing and his wife was seldom around. This was a different sport that she's much more knowledgeable on so it wasn't that and he didn't come off very talkative nor super involved for that matter. What she had to talk to him about constantly, til this day, I don't know and it's been a while so I'll likely have to let this one go unless we run into him somewhere (this is a smaller sized town) and I have a good excuse to have an "oh, by the way" talk. I did a call log skim and was wrong for that but that was my only "wtf" situation because it was a little out of norm, even for a sociable person like her.

With all of this said, I'm better about all of this compared with the doing the OP but I can't help not responding to some things. I promise I'm winding this down 😄

You came in very hot a few hours ago, as if you're fed up with me replying on my own thread! I feel gaslit 😂

And I went back and looked and no, you weren't the most aggressive but I remember noticing your name and it was because you were co-signing the others who were indeed more "savage."

I might be a lot of things but no way am I trying to control her, and that's something I've never been accused of from anybody. I've kept my mouth shut and feelings in check for a long time and finally came to you all for your thoughts. I'm a very laid back person irl and even online would prefer to reach an understanding than hurl insults.

This relationship sounds toxic and you or she should end is asap. It will only get worse, particularly given that you seem incapable of accepting what the bast majority of posters have explained to you: this behaviour and attitude between spouses/ monitoring of/ attempt to control to whom they speak is dysfunctional in the extreme.

Sigh. You really aren’t listening. You just can’t get beyond the idea that ‘wives’ belong ‘at their husband’s side’ , and shouldn’t ’go and visit other dads’ during football matches, because it somehow makes you look bad. And you’re annoyed that she places more weight on other men’s opinions about the game/ coaching when you think she should be prioritising your theories. And you still don’t think this is about your own insecurity?

I am open to admitting that some of this possibly could be an insecurity on my part. However...Where you are perceiving that this is an issue of me not listening, I see it as you all getting hung up on phrases like "wives at husband's sides" and running with that as if I want to regulate her interactions with other males. I knew someone could zero in on that when I typed it out. All I'm saying is that visiting with others, for extended periods, deviates from the observed etiquette. The guys don't wander too far from their wives for extended periods, for that matter. Families attend to support their children, and while we all talk with one another and even form connections in some instances, this isn't a networking event or cocktail party where mingling and socializing is the goal.

Having a chat on the way back from getting a snack happens. "Hey, the coach is making changes to the practice schedule, let me get some clarification from Mike's dad- I'll be right back" would be a reasonable scenario. "Sit here and support our son, by yourself, while I go pick Billy's dads brain on some things (for 10-15 mins) and I may or may not fill you in" enters into the realms of inconsideratation. She may not say this verbatim, but this is the impact.

And in the past, I've been the offender of leaving my s/o feeling isolated and sidelined in social settings, so I know this is a thing

OP, given your comments and other’s reactions, why exactly are you posting on here? What precisely do you hope to achieve?

Genuine questions.

There is a level of consideration and mindfulness I'd have to show for one of my guys, if we show up to a social event to hang out. I really don't know what's so toxic about the statement I made. Not every situation is a hostile interrogation, but just being inclusive, transparent and courteous.

And there you go again.

I mean, I get that a certain kind of American is deeply socially conservative, from my own experience of living in the US, but you seem unusually obsessed with 'deviations from the observed etiquette' and 'optics' -- I mean, this is a child's football match, not a delicate diplomatic moment during the Cold War or the seating plan at the Treaty of Versailles!

Why would it matter if everyone else sat in couples and went to the loo in pairs, if your wife didn't want to obey this 'observed etiquette' you seem so obsessed with?

She wants to go and chat to other people, about topics of her choosing, at the time she wants to talk about them. You don't, so it makes sense for you to stay with the children while she goes and talks to whoever.

She's also perfectly entitled not to share your opinion of whether your in-depth insights into children's football are superior to Billy's dad's. And if you don't agree on the validity of his input, why would she need to fill you in on whatever it is Billy's dad has been talking about?

And why would you feel 'isolated and sidelined' at a children's football match, when you're sitting, with your other, non-playing children, watching the game? It's not a party where you don't know anyone and feel shy!

Still banging on.

So if your friend Mo attended the same children's football game with you, you would feel 'isolated and sidelined' if Mo went off to chat to Billy's dad for ten minutes mid-match? And would you feel butt-hurt that this implied Mo thought Billy's dad's opinion on the game was more important than yours? And that Mo then owed you an account of exactly what he'd been talking about with Billy's dad?

I suppose I'm a bit taken back by the replies and sort of wondering if I'm explaining myself clearly. I've never been called "controlling" (for thoughts I've kept to myself) before and I can't help defending myself. I was perfectly fine to make it through the day with no new notifications. Maybe I should just turn it off at this point.

Not an even comparison because me and Mo aren't equal stakeholders and decision makers in my son's life. If Mo wanders away to chat with a member of the opposite sex, I may tease him or cheer for him, depending on the circumstances. The same general rules apply though, albeit more loosely. Introductions and a heads up before leaving are just good manners. At a lower level, Mo, as my guest, becoming someone else's guest, would register on the inconsideratation meter, but again, Mo doesn't buy his cleats nor share a bed with me.

But, again, you're the one who made the comparison with friend behaviour.

You said there was a 'level of consideration and mindfulness I'd have to show for one of my guys, if we show up to a social event to hang out'. Now you're saying it's completely different because he's not raising a child with you, though it's far from clear what the relevance of buying cleats and sharing a bed is when it comes to going to talk to another parent during a game. Neither Mo nor your wife are obliged to spend the game by your side or to conceal their desire to talk to other people too.

The same general rules apply though, albeit more loosely. Introductions and a heads up before leaving are just good manners. At a lower level, Mo, as my guest, becoming someone else's guest, would register on the inconsideratation meter, but again, Mo doesn't buy his cleats nor share a bed with me.

But your wife has presumably never left the football match, leaving you and the children stranded? That would certainly be 'inconsiderate'. Talking to other parents as and when she sees fit, isn't.

Are you very young, OP? It all sounds terribly teenage, like you're sulking and panicking because the only person you knew at a party also knows lots of other people and is off chatting to them leaving you by yourself in the corner.

I think its rude for her to get up from sitting with her husband to go chat to other men and leave him sitting there on his own - she doesn't seem to have these long conversations with other women. I'm sure that coach couldn't wait to get off the phone if she kept him talking for 45 minutes. I think she needs to get some hobbies of her own as she's over involved with her kids' games. She sounds rather 'intense'!

He's sitting there with the kids, at a football match they are all (presumably) watching, not standing on the edge of a party, desperate for someone to talk to!

I brought the friend angle up to the other person to argue that on the human level of basic social awareness, there's a general etiquette when you show up with somebody. For two people in a committed relationship, the importance would be higher... Surely you agree with that. Do we not have some level of accountability to each other? You sound as if I should only exist to affirm her autonomy at events like this, regardless of the social norms of this environment or my feelings.

Honestly, what is it you are hoping for?
I think your wife is fine, you think she’s being rude, inconsiderate, and everyone is going to assume she’s shagging old Bill, or trying to. Because apparently women can’t have conversations.

We are not going to agree, and that’s fine. What it comes down to is what are you going to do? Ignore it? Try to explain that you understand you sound like an idiot but you don’t like it? Have a blazing row and issue an ultimatum?
DH does not tell me what to do, and he knows what would happen if he did. Be careful what you wish for.

For the sake of debate and my sanity in this exchange, I prompted Gemini with some unbiased (as possible) questions about general family etiquette at a kid sporting event, and the result was 2-5 mins is fair for a spouse to visit with another (without introduction or invitation to include the other party), 5-10 is questionable, and anything over 10 is rude. While it acknowledge the person likely being a social butterfly, again, extended, one on one, conversations without invitation to include the other half or no intro, falls on the range of lacking social cues to being dismissive.

I actually looked up his phone number in the team directory and checked our call log to make sure I didn't see any calls between the two

That crosses the line.

Attending children's football matches en famille where you know everyone and have your children to look after is a completely different matter to going to a party as a shy or socially-awkward person not knowing anyone other than the person you arrived with. Do you realise how whiny and juvenile it sounds to equate the two?

I'm not sure what you mean that you 'exist only to affirm her autonomy at events like this', but it's a relief to hear you acknowledge that she has autonomy. Because for most of this thread you've behaved as if it's her job to assuage your hurt feelings that she's gone to talk to Billy's dad!

The same AI whose generation of a range of entirely imaginary secondary sources, including a journal that doesn't exist, for one of my undergraduates' essays, put her on academic probation and almost got her thrown off the degree? Yes, I'm taking Gemini's opinion on the etiquette of talking to other parents at sports events terribly seriously. 😀