Am I overreacting to my wife chatting with dads and coaches?

[thunderkiss77]

At our son's games and practices, my wife is very chatty with the other dads and coaches and it's starting to get on my nerves but I want to be sure I'm not overreacting or being jealous. She'll walk off from me to go talk to another dad or one of the coaches and I think that's sort of rude. She will occasionally send me to go ask something for her, but a lot of times, its something I don't think is worth asking in the moment and if don't budge, she'll go. Last week she left our spot in the bleachers to go chat with one of the other dads who was spectating by himself (granted we all know each other of course). She was there for about 15 mins until some other parents showed up whom she doesn't care for. I'd understand chatting in passing, but leaving your seat in the middle of the game to go visit? I don't know.

I don't think it's her flirting and she's very social and an involved mom and it's related to our son and the game mostly. I do think the optics are bad, especially while I'm sitting around while she's in the face of some other dad. Last season, she was talking to one of the assistant coaches for 45 mins on the phone (regarding the team- our son was around but not me for most of it) and it was a call I thought was unnecessary and went too long. Now, I do think she has a bit of a liking for this guy. He's married and we saw him with family at a game last week (his kid is on the same team) and she led the charge to go speak to him, and his wife interjected with a big "hi" looking right at my wife, almost as if sending her a message- at least that's what I read into it.

Another season, there was a quiet dad she seemed to happy to talk with (seemingly more than him even) who I never had an exchange with. She may have known his son prior through teaching if I recall. She was always engaging this guy and even once left me in the middle of a game to "get a better spot" but wound up right next to him, grinning and chatting away. I was fuming. He was married but the wife didn't show that often. I actually looked up his phone number in the team directory and checked our call log to make sure I didn't see any calls between the two.

Sorry for being so verbose. Do I need to tell her to chill out or am I just being jealous? If we had a girl in sports and I ran around chatting with all the moms and female coaches with and without her, I'm sure she'd have something to say.
I feel like it's borderline disrespectful and she's doing more than necessary.

This. I seriously doubt anyone else is aware of any "optics". If they think about it all (doubtful) it's probably, "Oh, look, there's Joan! She's always here to cheer her son on. Friendly, too. not stuck up like some mums."
You said that she's a teacher, OP? If that's so, she's used to talking to all kinds of people and comfortable being social. Once in awhile, join her in walking to talk to a coach or another dad. Or, another mum. You can also chat, you know.

I can promise you I do not see mums chatting to dads of other kids at their football matches and think oooh something is going on there. There are no optics. Except the part where it makes me happy to see our community all get on. And if you just sit there and glower I’d think thank goodness that poor woman gets a friendly conversation or two in her day when she has to live with that.

I understand the point you're making and while that's valid in my scenario, I can definitely see it occurring in reverse through an arena that is normally female- like ballet, cheer, competitive dance or volleyball even. I would not have the same freedom without being challenged. "Do you need to get up to ask her something RIGHT NOW?"
Just last week, I was telling her about a lady FB friend from college whom had just passed away relatively young, i could barely make 3 sentences without her cutting off with "wow did you used to have a liking for her!?" I was simply describing her to my wife in case wanted to put a face with a name.

Yet some of you guys say I'm the crazy and oppressive one for dumping my question here to decide if I'm wrong for feeling this way lol...

Even if I'm wrong about every other instance, that one was different. It was his basketball season also, not football, which she understands much easier compared to football. I have no clue what they had to talk about. At least in other cases, she'll usually say that "Mike's" dad said "xyz" regarding the team. She came back and sat down next to me a short while later and didn't mention anything, as if he wasn't over there and they weren't chatting.

That's not to say I believe they had something going on, and we're all human so if she took a subtle fancy to the guy, hey, I wouldn't like it but we're human. Just don't run off to get in his face with me right there.

Every parent I know chats to other parents and coaches at their children's practices/competitions. Totally normal behaviour whether it's women talking to other women, men talking to men or, shock horror, people talking to the opposite sex!

Right, but then we come home and my ideas for our son are competing with the other dad's ideas whom she seems to deem as more authoritative.

Things I've been saying for 2 seasons now, she's just now coming around to saying herself, but only after hearing the other dads say it.

I'm not a know it all nor do I claim to always be right and she needs to "get in line," but jeez, some acknowledgement would be nice instead of coming off like she came to these conclusions after her own thinking and consulting with everyone else's dad.

Because they’re at a kids sporting event with lots of other parents, not sneaking off to some secret rendezvous. You are overreacting.

I still don’t understand. My boys play basketball and football (different code) and I am often at their sports 7 days a week, literally. I don’t really understand the football that well so am much more likely to have an in depth conversation on basketball. At football I tend to chat to the dads about more general things, unless it’s like ‘did you see who took that mark?’

If you were cool about it you wouldn’t be posting here in the hopes that random strangers will agree with you.

You don’t get to decide what is necessary for other adults to talk about or how long for, and “other adults “ includes your wife. You are clearly incredibly insecure and for that you have my sympathy. But that’s your problem to deal with, probably with some professional help.

It sounds like she is just being sociable.
If it was one guy, you might have reason to worry.

So it is all about your ego then?

Does she talk to women OP? You say she's always been a social butterfly so I imagine she also talks to mums? You don't mention those....

Yes, her moving to a better seat and leaving you behind isn't considerate, however you didn't stop there. You talked about her being in some people's, sorry, men's faces, mentioning other people she talked to, you talked about your wife in a derogatory way and the update on your annoyance that she doesn't take your word for everything. (You're not god).

But I don't think this is an issue of her being considerate only. I think you are insecure, jealous and on the cusp of thinking about your wife on a controlling way.

Please talk to her. If this is getting you down so much then talk to her - but for goodness sake, please don't go on the attack, just let her know how her getting up and leaving you makes you feel. To be honest, she is doing little wrong and perhaps she needs the chance to explain it to you and put your mind to rest.

I agree with you and i’m a very chilled out person.She sounds really annoying the other dads want to watch their kids playing sports,instead they got your wife plonking herself down next to them rabbiting in their ears.

You sounds very jealous and controlling.
Your wife has tried to include you, asking you to ask things for her to get you talking to them also - you have made it clear you don't want to.
She sounds nice, being friendly to people who are on their own.

I think you need to look at this a different way so even if everyone said yes you are totally right what are you going to do?

Tell your wife she can't speak to anyone so basically impose your will on her and treat her like less of a human being? What is she doesn't listen will you handcuff her to you?

The better thing would be to love and celebrate her for who she is.

In the UK it's quite common for parents of both sexes to chat to each other, my husband recently met his female friend for coffee who he knows from toddler group.

I take my DD to Rugby and it's mostly men I chat to them all and they sometimes come over to chat because we are human beings and thrive on social connections.

Unfortunately from my observations of American culture it is much more conservative and misogynistic than the UK and you seem to have absorbed some of that.

This is starting to sound like an American trope from a tv show, when the villain is a very religious (and I don’t mean that as having a religion and being kind etc, more in that their religion is the only word and the sinners will all burn in hell kind of way).

So many red flags here. From you, not your wife.

We don’t do any performative nonsense like ‘hey baby’ but we are British not American.

If my husband said something he would indicate whether it was opinion or fact, if it were opinion I would potentially ask someone else.

The problem is in your first paragraph there…I’ve kept things to myself with her. How is that healthy, your wife isn’t doing anything wrong, because she doesn’t know you have an issue with her behaviour. If I had an issue with my husbands behaviour I would talk to him about it, and then either he would change his behavior (if I was being reasonable) so as to make me happier, OR (if I was not being reasonable) would explain to him why he was doing what he was doing.

No condescension from me, but I’m guessing that you’re not used to a woman giving her opinion, and even less used to considering it logical.

The issue isn’t your wife talking to other people, the issue is you not being open with her about how you feel (at best), or being controlling (at worst).

I would have done this when I was married. My exh was always buried in his phone and was pretty boring. He would also try to make so called clever remarks about whatever was happening. It was annoying and I was bored and I just wanted someone to talk to. I was lonely in my marriage but there was no intention of flirting or anything else. I’m also naturally more outgoing than exh.
Would any of that resonate with you OP?

You are jealous and controlling and she has a right to form her own opinions taking on board any information she may choose, from any source.

You've come to ask if you're overreacting. You've been told you're overreacting. And you've denied you are.

Why did you bother asking?

Yes, overreacting.

When we are at a match, ill go and say hi to some of the parents I get on with (both male and female) and end up sitting or standing chatting for half the game. Im more sociable than my husband so he is quite happy to sit on his own and watch.

On first reading I would say you are over-reacting.
But she's the jealous type too and wouldn't like it if you were doing the same.
And I can see how if she always does it, rather than sit with you it would become an issue, and more than just being sociable.

Maybe you should stop at home.

Some years ago, I was out of town for work and mentioned to her that I had a female friend that moved there and if she had a problem with me meeting up with her to grab bite just for a friendly catching up. It turned into an argument as if I asked a stupid question.

I wont speak for all Americans, but for our marriage, I can say pretty confidently that she's holding me to parameters that she doesn't hold herself to. It's not about me wishing ro control her, stopping her from talking to the male sex, being an iron-fisted misogynist, or anything of the sort. I could not wander around as she does without being questioned, especially leaving her behind to go sit with another woman.